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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Normality check please: toddlers kissing adults on mouth

35 replies

NameChangeForThisThread · 30/12/2009 13:19

Some background/context: I was abused by my uncle as a child, and am aware this has affected my perceptions of "normal" with regard to several things; in particular I am hyper-aware of sexualisation of children, and am not clear on what normal adult-child intimacy boundaries should be.

ds is nearly 2yo, and stays with his dad (not my dp) every other weekend. When he wakes upset in the night, I sometimes cuddle up to him in bed till he calms down. This week, on two nights, he gave me very affectionate cuddles, and kissed me repeatedly on the mouth (I never kiss him on the mouth, only face/forehead/hair etc). I felt very uncomfortable with this level of intimacy (which sounds awful - he's my ds FFS - but it is how I felt), and now have a cold fear in the pit of my stomach that someone has behaved inappropriately with him.

This is the first time since he was born I've reacted like this, so I'm not quite as paranoid as I may sound! Rationally, probably this is just a new game of his, and nothing to worry about. But I would appreciate some reassurance from other mums: does your 2yo kiss repeatedly on the mouth? Do you think it's appropriate for an adult to kiss a child on the mouth? Thanks.

OP posts:

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MrsMorgan · 30/12/2009 13:26

I kiss all of my 3 dc on the mouth, cheek, head etc. I don't think it is innapropriate at all.

needtomoveon · 30/12/2009 13:26

Sorry to hear about your past - have you had any professional help coming to terms with what was done to you?

I am no child behaviour expert but my DD does this (similar age). I think it is just normal behaviour really. I wouldn't encourage or discourage and tend to kiss her on the cheek or hair. I honestly do just think it is a lovely sign of affection. I have known adults in families where they kiss on closed mouths (not mine) and there has been no sexual intent at all - just something very intimate for loved family. It is so hard to separate out what is normal and what is not after abuse.

winnybella · 30/12/2009 13:30

I don't recall my DS doing that, but I never encouraged it because if I had a cold coming on wouldn't want to pass it to him. But when I was a child,IIRC it was quite normal to get kissed on the mouth by parents, grandparents etc.
You can ask his dad if he's doing that, but even if he is , there's no reason to assume right away there's something wrong going on.

pigletmania · 30/12/2009 13:31

Sorry to hear about your past, and yes this might have affected the way you feel about what you describe. For me, i do kiss my dd 2.9 on the mouth, she is so yummy and cute and her lovely little rose bud lips i cant help myself. When she is a little older i will not do this anymore and she probably will nt want to be kissed by mummy, it is normal behaviour its fine. I know that my intentions are innocent and done out of love for my dd and the way i show her that i love her

extremelychocolateymilkroll · 30/12/2009 13:32

We always kiss dd on the cheek - more a question of not wanting to pass any bugs on really. Expected that everyone did the same and was surprised when a friend of mine kissed dd on the lips.

Original poster

NameChangeForThisThread · 30/12/2009 13:35

Thank you all. Good to hear this is common in some other families. I will now use this to remind myself to stop worrying!

needtomoveon I did have some help many years ago, as a teenager, but some things remain warped I think, and I'm only learning the extent to which I lack normal reference points now I have a child of my own, iykwim.

OP posts:

SleighBelleDameSansMerci · 30/12/2009 13:36

I felt exactly the same as you for very similar reasons. It was only when I saw many other toddlers behaving this way that I realised this is normal and our responses (yours and mine) are probably not.

It's completely understandable that you feel as you do. Like you, I am hyper alert to any suggestion of impropriety etc but I doubt anything untoward has happened.

I had a whole "incident" that worried me when my DD told me something and it turned out to be completely innocent and just my fears causing an exaggerated fear and subsequent conversation at DD's nursery. I am glad that I brought it up though.

LastOfTheMulledWine · 30/12/2009 13:37

My dd always kisses on the lips. Even if you go for her cheek. She's 2.7 and will do it repeatedly or for a long time making kissy noises and laughing. She's with me at all times, has never been left. It's just a normal behaviour, she learnt it from nowhere in particular. Although I suppose DH and I kiss on the lips to say hello, goodbye, or as we pass each other, in jest etc so it's just a normal gesture to her.

I think in isolation it means nothing. My dh's family kiss on the lips and I find it very odd in adults that aren't in a relationship but can see it's normal for them.

I'm so sorry for your past. I don't think you need to worry.

Rindercella · 30/12/2009 13:38

My DD (2.4) regularly tries to give massive kisses on the mouth (or any other part of the face she has access to). I think it's really sweet - I do tend to turn my face slightly, so she doesn't kiss me full on the lips but on my cheek instead.

I have wondered if she has seen people kissing when we're out & about/on TV, etc and sees this as a way to show affection.

NotQuiteCockney · 30/12/2009 13:39

It might be worth seeking out some help with your history now. Having children often makes past problems more 'real', iyswim.

And yes, kissing on the mouth is normal. I'm not that keen on it, and generally aim for nose/eyes/cheeks/forehead/whatever but yeah, I end up with mouths a lot.

I did sometimes borrow someone else's kid who would ask for a kiss 'on the tongue'. No abuse there, I don't think, just a toddler being a toddler and enjoying making me go .

Hulababy · 30/12/2009 13:40

I still kiss my 7y DD on the lips, as does DH. My 3y niece kissed us on the lips too.

It is very normal IMO and definitely not a sign of anything untoward going on IME.

timelordvictorious · 30/12/2009 13:41

Sorry to hear about your past.

My DD is nearly 2 and in the last month or so has taken to giving EVERYONE big wet mouth kisses. Me, Bloke, all family over Christmas, her toys, the dogs...
I think it's lovely - but we're a very tactile family and she has always been kissed on the mouth. Does he see other adults kissing on the mouth a lot? I know that my daughter copies everything at the moment.

HuwEdwards · 30/12/2009 13:42

I kiss both my DDs on the lips, in fact if I don't (say if I have a cold) they ask why. They're 9 and 7. When they were toddlers, I would kiss them all over, tums, bum cheeks, feet!

moaningminniewhingesagain · 30/12/2009 13:45

Kissing on mouth normal IMO. I come from a family that doesn't touch or hug, let alone kiss, so it is a bit out of my comfort zone too.

FIL also tries to kiss me goodbye with a kiss on the lips with I have to dodge every time.

TheCrackFox · 30/12/2009 13:46

Kissing on the mouth is totally normal. TBh if they have a cold you are going to get it anyway.

Original poster

NameChangeForThisThread · 30/12/2009 13:46

Thanks again everyone.

SleighBelle, I'm learning there is a world of difference between knowing I don't know normal, and deciding whether something is normal. If that makes sense. Glad (and sad) to know I'm not the only one walking this tightrope.

NQC yes - that's something I may need to do. I tend to be quite analytical myself though, and I sometimes think what I need is just a big reference book, of things that are "ok" and "not ok", that I can refer to!

OP posts:

PixieOnaChristmasTree · 30/12/2009 13:46

I still kiss all of mine on the lips - DD1 and 2 are 15 and 11 and DS is 8.

If they started turning their heads away or obviously didn't want it, then I'd stop, but it's just what we've always done.

confuddledDOTcom · 30/12/2009 13:46

My LO kisses on the mouth, even holds my head for a long kiss, rocking her head and making kissing noises (we don't kiss like that in front of her!) it's just part of being a loving toddler without the boundaries that we create as adults.

missismac · 30/12/2009 13:48

We kiss all ours on the lips, cheek, nose, chin, elbow, leg anywhere we can really. They grow up so fast. Our eldest two (13 & 12) have just stopped kissing us on the lips, but still do it occasionally at bedtime if they forget how 'uncool' it is (or we are) !

your lovely DS sounds like a normal affectionate boy to me, but I can see how it would be a worry to you given your experience.

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/12/2009 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PavlovtheChristmasCat · 30/12/2009 16:58

My DD kisses on the mouth, and has done since she was able to kiss.

I kiss her on the mouth, and am happy for her dad to do the same, and for those close to her (relatives, close friends of ours etc) to do the same. I would not feel comfortable with people she does not know very well kissing her on the mouth, however, they do not always have a choice themselves as DD herself sometimes will kiss them on the mouth as she is used it it, if that happens, I am ok with it.

DollyMessiter · 30/12/2009 17:00

yy, toddlers can be very snoggy, particularly little boys, ime.
Worry not

LeninExcelsis · 30/12/2009 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longtalljosie · 01/01/2010 22:06

On other threads on this, I've observed pretty much a 50:50 split between family mouth-kissers and those who don't.

I'm so sorry your past makes you question this, but I really truly promise this alone is nothing at all to worry about. Your DS may be doing it because he likes it. Do you think you could get used to it? He may not understand if a gesture of affection is rejected - although I totally understand why you feel the way you do

Georgimama · 01/01/2010 22:12

My Ds doesn't seem to be aware that kisses are on the cheek. He kisses on the mouth or gets really upset. Both DH and I kiss him on the mouth.

I promise you no one has behaved inappropriately with your child. As far as I can tell from my (fairly limited) exposure to toddlers and young children, they all kiss on the mouth (I mean kiss their parents on the mouth, they don't all kiss every tom, dick and harry on the mouth).

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