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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Will I ever get good at being a mum?

47 replies

LittleMumSmall · 29/12/2009 13:13

Hi Mumsnetters,

I'm a first-time poster and first-time mum to an 8 week old boy and feeling completely at sea - as the weeks go by this all just seems to get harder rather than easier!

Had a truly horrible time with bf-ing attempts for the first month which was a huge shock as I'd never expected it to be so hard, ds now on formula and clearly not happy - lots of trapped wind and screams while feeding (think it is reflux?) and I'm constantly worried I'm not feeding him properly/too much/not enough...not a clue what his cries mean and can't tell any difference between cries of discomfort/hunger/tiredness...

He doesn't cry constantly by all means, but when he does it feels like it will never end - I seem to have no ability to look into the future (probably sleep deprivation linked) and just despair at the present situation. He cries when fed, when windy, when being dressed/undressed and when having his nappy changed - which are all things he needs doing for him and so basically I feel like I just annoy him permanently! I know there are no 'thank-yous' at this stage but I didn't expect to find it so hard looking after someone who is so familiar and yet a complete stranger all at the same time.

I really want to start feeling like I'm 'good' at being a mum, but is it just a question of accepting that all babies cry? I can't shake the feeling that my baby isn't happy enough and that I might be missing some magic ingredient to make him permanently sunny, and neither can I seem to get over wanting to give myself a mark out of ten for this - but is that just stupid? Thanks for any answers/advice!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

overmydeadbody · 29/12/2009 13:16

yes you will

this is a phase and it will pass. Remember that and hold on to it when you are sinking into sleep deprived dispair!!!

overmydeadbody · 29/12/2009 13:20

It is largely just about accepting that babies cry, that parenting is bloody difficult, and that you may not be thanked short term but you are still doing the best you can for your child.

It is also about lowering your expectations, stop trying to be a perfect parent and aim to be a good enough parent. Make sure your baby's needs are met and he is secure and gets lots of love and conistancy, but never expect parenting to be easy or feel hard-done by when it isn't. It is hard, but as soon as you accept that is becomes much less hard, if that makes snese.

pigletmania · 29/12/2009 13:25

AWWW bless i have been there, my dd had severe colic and would just cry and cry, felt so low, i ended up wishing her life away to a better time when she would not be crying all the time non stop. I also had PND and could not bf as i had problems like you with that. It does get better trust me, i am so enjoying being a mummy to my dd 2.9 now, i just was not good with babies, i preferred the toddler years and beyond tbh. You are not alone.

CeeUnit · 29/12/2009 13:27

If you are managing to feed him, wind him, dress him and change his nappy then you are doing a brilliant job!

This bit is hard because you get nothing back, but he will grow out of it and start smiling and the older he gets the more obvious it will be that he is delighted with you.

This is all a big adjustment for him too, you are not 'making him cry' IYSWIM, it's just the only thing he can really do at the moment.

Chin up - this will pass you are doing great 10/10

claraquack · 29/12/2009 13:27

It's all just about survival at this stage, especially with the first when you are still learning. Don't expect it to be fun or for you to enjoy it. That will come, I promise you, but this bit is just getting through the days and nights and waiting for things to get easier. Some babies are more work than others, my dd1 was very difficult at this stage but by 5/6 months she was a really happy little thing, sleeping through the night (mostly!) and into a nice routine. The thing that helped me most was meeting up with other mothers at the same stage and realising I wasn't the only one going through this. Do you go to any groups? I had an antenatal group which kept me going and I also started going to a weekly baby group - I am still friends with people from those days and dd1 has a little group of friends all born within a few weeks of her.

Original poster

LittleMumSmall · 29/12/2009 13:29

Thank you overmydeadbody and piglet - it is so good to know it will improve and I'm not on my own

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleMumSmall · 29/12/2009 13:33

Thanks CeeUnit for the rating! Clara, yes I do have an NCT group but couldn't get one in our part of town as overbooked so it's a bit of a tough journey (and we have no car) if I want to meet the other mums. Have decided Jan will be a good time to start baby massage classes so hopefully will meet more mums that way - and ds will get some colic relief!

OP posts:

LouLouH · 29/12/2009 13:35

If we were all perfect mothers and knew what our little bundles of joy wanted and knew exactly how to do it where would mumsnet be!

I didn't have a bloody clue what each cry meant as far as i was concerned mothers that claimed to know the difference must have dogs hearing! But it all kicks in and you both get used to each other eventually (took me 4 months to know the cries).

Dont worry, as for the wind, i found playtex bottles to be a god send (i changed to formula at 6 months) but DD was windy with bottles.

Hope this will work as a link www.playtexbaby.com/images/hero_bottle_di_landing.jpg

LouLouH · 29/12/2009 13:36

www.playtexbaby.com on this site go to drop in bottles. Less air in take for baby.

Original poster

LittleMumSmall · 29/12/2009 13:39

Thanks LouLou! Have not seen this brand before, will give it a go

OP posts:

LouLouH · 29/12/2009 13:44

I know thats what got me. No one has ever known about it. It was on the off chance that i was moaning to my chemist about my DD's wind and he told me to try it.

Don't worry about what you listed. Your a great mum already.

Montifer · 29/12/2009 13:46

It's all a bit of a shock in the beginning, they don't come with the comprehensive instruction manual that's needed.

As all the wise ones say "It's a phase and will pass".

DS was a colicky baby and I found it exhausting in the first few months.
He always seemed much more comfortable lying on his front although we were too scared to let him sleep like that.
The Tiger in a tree hold was a lifesaver for us and if I'd known about this would certainly have given it a try.

Good luck, sounds like you are doing a great job and it will get better soon

LouLouH · 29/12/2009 13:48

www.infantcaredirect.co.uk/acatalog/Disposable_Nursers_&_Starter_Sets.html found a UK supplier of the playtex bottles.

SnotChristmasYetBaby · 29/12/2009 13:48

I was just the same as you. When my first baby cried, I used to hear not "waa," but "I can't stop crying because you are crap at looking after me!" You are not alone and you're doing just fine.

It helped me to remember that my baby could be crying for a thousand reasons as she accustomed herself to simply being a human on planet earth. Adults know that a cold foot, a hot blanket, an itchy earlobe or a fart brewing are barely worth attention, but for a baby, these are major "OH HELP, WTF IS THIS?" events!

As has been said, keep on meeting your baby's needs, give yourself credit for your marathon efforts, and try to retain a sense of humour if at all possible. It does pass!

makkapakkamoo · 29/12/2009 13:50

The sleep deprivation will definitely make things seem a whole lot worse than they are. Look after yourself too, and sleep when the baby sleeps, day or night. Forget about keeping the house completely spotless and just do what you need to (bottles & washing).

Try to take a break from lo, soak in the bath if you have no one to take him for an hour. Play some different types of music, you may find one that soothes lo.

Now, this is the tip someone in here gave me when dd was 6 weeks and windy/had reflux. Buy a swinging/rocking crib that is 'powered'. The motion helps lo with the wind and leaves you free to carry on doing said bottles etc whilst lo is still awake. here's the one I bought And it was worth it's weight in gold. It lies back for younger babies too. Ebay is also a good place to look for these.

Think about trying something like infacol to ease some of the wind, and try another type of bottle too. Dr Brown's are brilliant but ££££. When you can, wrap lo up and take him for a walk around the block in his buggy. you will both feel better just for 5 mins fresh air.

As others have said, this will pass!! Crying is really lo's only way of communicating with you atm. He is not necessarily saying anything is wrong, just 'talking' to you in the only way he can. Soon enough he will be forming other sounds and coos, and these will take the place of some of the crying.

Sorry for sounding like a lecture, Op xox

OrmIrian · 29/12/2009 13:51

Sorry you're feeling bad.

Babies cry. That is what they do. All you can do is do your best and offer what you can to make him better. Don't give yourself marks out of ten - he won't be/

BTW no you won't ever be a good mum, you will be the only mum for your child. And that's better.

LouLouH · 29/12/2009 13:58

Yeah that is so true OrmIrian, no one else will do for LO other than their mummy. My daughter moans at me at the best of times and always prefers my Other half (her step dad, probably coz im the strict one!) but at the end of the day if she hurt/upset/wants a snuggle cuddle its always mum! So dont beat yourself up, no one will ever compare to you.

tethersjinglebellend · 29/12/2009 14:03

I still don't know what my DD's cries mean and she's 13 months old.

But she is still alive (and happy)!

You literally only have to keep you DS alive for 6 months, when it all starts getting a lot more fun

Oblomov · 29/12/2009 14:04

Don't feel bad. You are doing a fab job, in difficult circumstances. I know becasue I was the same, this time last year. My first son was so much easier than 2nd. "nd cried and cried most of the night. It gets better. It did for me at 3 months.
Let us help get you there. Ask away.

Original poster

LittleMumSmall · 29/12/2009 14:07

Thanks again to all! It's done me the world of good to read these posts and let myself have a good cry (in fact today I'm definitely crying more than ds

It's great to know there are techniques and products that will help ds. My own mum is lovely but whenever I ask for help she just tells me it's all instinct - well, maybe it was for her, but not for me!!

OP posts:

Oblomov · 29/12/2009 14:07

What support do you have ? You MUST have a break. It is essential. I have no support network. Do you ?
Then, Cargirl came and saved me. Mn is at its best for this. Where are you ? Can we help you ?

tethersjinglebellend · 29/12/2009 14:14

It's not all instinct. It's accident.

Well it was for me, anyway. It was very much a case of "Shit, what did you do? Do it again, it worked!"

Accidental parenting. Works a treat.

LouLouH · 29/12/2009 14:15

Haha! No cuff to tough! We all just meander along and get there eventually!

makkapakkamoo · 29/12/2009 14:20

I think most of the time it simply helps knowing you're not the only one feeling this way. Honestly hun, it does get easier and more fun! In a few months you'll be on here posting your advice to another mum, you'll see

SnotChristmasYetBaby · 29/12/2009 14:28

Oh and for a quick fix, have you tried sounds of the hoover, hairdrier or washing machine?

I never failed to be amazed at how a quick blast of the hairdrier took my babies from "aargh help me I am furious" to "Dum de dum, hmm, let's have a nice little relax!"

You don't actually point the thing at the baby, of course just turn it on nearby so the baby can hear the sound.

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