Will I ever get good at being a mum?

[LittleMumSmall]

Hi Mumsnetters,

I'm a first-time poster and first-time mum to an 8 week old boy and feeling completely at sea - as the weeks go by this all just seems to get harder rather than easier!

Had a truly horrible time with bf-ing attempts for the first month which was a huge shock as I'd never expected it to be so hard, ds now on formula and clearly not happy - lots of trapped wind and screams while feeding (think it is reflux?) and I'm constantly worried I'm not feeding him properly/too much/not enough...not a clue what his cries mean and can't tell any difference between cries of discomfort/hunger/tiredness...

He doesn't cry constantly by all means, but when he does it feels like it will never end - I seem to have no ability to look into the future (probably sleep deprivation linked) and just despair at the present situation. He cries when fed, when windy, when being dressed/undressed and when having his nappy changed - which are all things he needs doing for him and so basically I feel like I just annoy him permanently! I know there are no 'thank-yous' at this stage but I didn't expect to find it so hard looking after someone who is so familiar and yet a complete stranger all at the same time.

I really want to start feeling like I'm 'good' at being a mum, but is it just a question of accepting that all babies cry? I can't shake the feeling that my baby isn't happy enough and that I might be missing some magic ingredient to make him permanently sunny, and neither can I seem to get over wanting to give myself a mark out of ten for this - but is that just stupid? Thanks for any answers/advice!

Thanks again - I am so glad to read these posts. Oblomov, I do have fantastic support from DH but of course he works Mon-Fri and family either a long way off in UK or abroad, so I guess not that much support really. I'm in S London and am starting two 'mum and baby' classes in Jan so hopefully it will help extend my network. I am usually quite a party girl but had no idea how much having a baby would change me - I sometimes feel quite anxious about social situations now.

I have to say just this one post on MN has felt like getting a great big hug - will do it more often!

Littlemum, both my dcs cried loads too as babies. It is exhausting and demoralising, especially when it is your first. Everyone else's baby seemed so easy in comparison. I was walking on eggshells most of the time. Like you say, they don't cry all the time, but it sure took a lot of work to keep them on an even keel, because once they got started, they did not know how to stop. It was very difficult to take them out.

I think now your boy is 8 weeks, he is well out of the sleepy baby phase and is now more alert. This is when it gets interesting ...

Hopefully, it is just colic and will pass after a month or two. With my dcs, it was their personality so no reprieve for me.

Just in case, you might want to compare your boy against these traits and see whether he is a high need baby.

When I found this link, it helped to explain a bit more about my dcs' personalities and allowed me to be gentler on myself when parenting them.

Friends with babies have recommended I buy What Mothers Do: Especially When It Looks Like Nothing by Naomi Stadlen when I have my first baby. It's been a life saver for them, helping them to realise all the amazing things they are doing, but don't realise, and get through the hard times.

I really wish I had known about MN when I had my first. It's only now I can look back and laugh at how stupidly high I set my own standards and then was so upset when I couldn't reach them.

I truly thought if I could just buy the right book and work through it (rather like an exam) it would make me a perfect mum.

Six years and another Ds later, I could break my heart for that naive person and wish I could help her - I had bad undiagnosed PND and no outside support, but you get through it all and come out the other side, and then you can't remember the bad things so much, just the nice things.

Take lots of photos (of the nice things). They are the memories you will want to remember and share with your new son when he is older.

Enjoy your baby as much as you can, they are only tiny for such a short time.

And ask, ask, ask for help and advice from this fantastic group of people.

Thanks blueshoes and muser - and sorry, notwaving, that you didn't have MN earlier on. I am so glad I posted today. Will try to chill and enjoy my baby - he is great so much and the issues i have are probably more to do with me being worried all the time!

Everyone has said all this already, but it's absolutely right that 'it's a phase, it will pass' is a brilliant thing to remember! With babies, a few weeks is a long time, so thesehad phases pass very quickly! I know completely what it feels like to be all at sea with no idea what to do and how to ever feel normal, let alone happy again. I had it with DS1 to the extent of severe PND and anxiety and I'm having it again at the moment with DS2 (14 weeks) though much better than last time. What's helping me through is knowing what brilliant fun it turns into - DS1 is the light of my life and has been for years now, and your baby will be too. As an earlier poster said, once you're at 6 months things will feel so much better! Mum and baby groups are great and have really helped me; and Mumsnet is utterly fab and full of very wise people too!

Glad that you're feeling better

IMO the first one was the hardest by far, it was a complete shock to the system.

Have 3 DC's now so I promise you it gets easier

There is a really good book by Dr B Brazelton on crying and another on sleep that you can buy from Amazon. My tip for you is to rock your baby up and down in a vertical plane, not too gently, but obviously not too vigorously either. At a pace which mimics you climbing upstairs. This I find is an 'off switch' for many crying babies. They also like being swaddled, but unwrap baby when he goes down to sleep. A still hand on the head works for some babies, but be careful not to stroke then at the same time. Gently remove your hand when they are settled. This still hand will give them the feeling of being back in the womb and is very reassuring. What you are developing is confidence, I needed extra lessons in how to bath my baby, I thought I would never be able to master the technique of washing such a wriggly, slippery baby.
Your thank you from your baby will come very soon when he gives you a smile.

Thanks again mumsnetters! Just managed to have a bit of a sleep and feeling more positive. So happy there is tons of good advice for me

If you are worrying about your baby enough to ask whether you will be a good mum, then you probably are already a really good mum. Your baby just can't tell you yet!

Colic/reflux or wind are all really draining, and when they have bouts of crying it really does take it out of you. I used to swaddle my DS and walk up and down with him for hours. I used to find the evenings and nights were the worst. Rubbing his tummy sometimes helped as well. It got better, and you will find this as well.

Everyone else seemed to be coping better than me, but as time went on I realised that they all found it hard as me.

Don't be afraid to tell people that you are finding things difficult. I didn't tell anyone as I felt it would show I was a bad mother. I wish I had, because I wasn't being a bad mother - I just had a baby who wouldn't stop crying.

Good luck.

Forgot to mention another trick that sometimes work was to switch the hoover on. For some reason this stopped his crying, and got some housework done as well. So amongst all the chaos I had clean floors!

It won't be long before you get the first proper smile and when you do all this will pale into Insignificance. Keep going you are doing great, my DD is 15 weeks and I still can't tell the different cries, I just try boob, nappy or cuddles, one usually works.

NickeeS is right, the first smile is fabuloso... and many Mums & babies really bond when the smiles start flowing... however...

I do remember my Mum saying to me after my 1st "When they smile, it's all worth it!" and me thinking "It'll take a f* of a lot more than a gummy smile to restore my equlibrium!"

I felt AWFUL for ages because I greeted those first smiles with exhaustion and desperate gratitude, rather than genuine pleasure - so if this happens to you, don't feel isolated! Looking after a wee one is physically very tiring - don't be hard on yourself if the first smiles are rather more "Thank FF that" rather than "Ooh, I feel so fulfilled!"

oh and NickeeS I really don't mean to wee on your lovely lovely bonfire! Congrats on your DD, it sounds like you & she are doing really well together! First proper smiles are truly fab, but sometimes a Mum can be feeling less than fab enough to receive them.

hi littlemum!

first off, the fact that you worry so much proves to me that you're already a brilliant mum

in the most non critical way possible i will disagree slightly with a few of the posts on here.

it might not just be a phase, not the crying i mean, but the way you've decribed feeling is nigh on identical to how i felt with my post-natal depression, especially the part about not being able to see past the present moment. im not saying you definately have it but consider the possibility

the thing is with PND is one day you might feel fantastic and others like its the end of the world.

my HV advised me to stop breast feeding at 6 weeks because my DD would feed for anything up to 4 hours non stop and she'd still be hungry. and i felt like the worst mother in the world and found bonding very difficult because if it.

i used to believe that my baby didnt love me and that i just got on her nerves! now i see that of course she loved me and that she just didnt like getting dressed but it doesnt always seem that way. someone (dunno who or where i heard this lol) once said "in the eyes of a child, mother is god"

trust me you're doing an amazing job

and if you really are feeling very low, talk to your doctor or HV, they really really can help even if u don't want to take drugs (which i didnt).

i hope very very much that it isn't PND for you

xxxx

pmsl Snot2010YetBaby I fully understand we are all different. There was many a night I had to leave DD to scream as I just didn't know what to do, but that first smile was fantastic as is each one I get each morning when I go into the nursery.

Thanks again for all these responses - I had a much better day today CleosMam, I have suspected pnd on occasions and will watch out for signs recurring. Thanks to mumsnet I know now that help is out there if I need it!! Happy New Year to everyone, and many thanks again for all the reassuring posts x

Little Mum Small you are a good mum. I have four children aged 14,11,8 and 5. I am also a childminder of five more kids. I am still learning myself.

Babies cry for so many reasons. Just try to ensure that you rest whenever possible as its not easy with a little one who you yourself feel tired.

Do your best and dont be afraid ask family members or friends for help.

As my kids are getting older I am now needed in other ways.

If you speak to a lot of parents you will find that we all have challenges.

STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!!!

May 2010 be a peaceful one as you learn with your baby.

Best wishes

LittleMumSmall - Whereabouts are you in South London? If you are anywhere near Shooters Hill (or has a car and willing to travel), I have a swing you can have. My DS1 was a real PITA challenging baby. He cried all the time. I also failed to BF, I struggled on for 6 weeks as I was so torned about giving up! He was just really, really unhappy as a baby. I couldn't tell why he was crying. He fed very little, we tried every single solution marketing at stopping colic. The good news is that he is now 22 months old and such a cheeky and happy boy. Things really started getting better for us when he got more mobile.

A swing really did help us. My friend gave it to us and DS1 would take long naps in it! It was my only bit of peace in the day. I kept it for DS2 but DS2 (who is now 8 weeks old) is an absolute angel compared to his brother. He actually doesn't like the swing, preferring to be put down on a mattress (shock shock horror horror). Some babies do cry a lot but it's not your parenting. I am proof of that. I think someone up there obviously took pity on me and thought I had an awful time with DS1 and I am now blessed with a really happy and contented baby in DS2. Contact me on eangie at hotmail dot com if you are keen on the swing. Good luck! Things will get better!

LittleMumSmall you are a wonderful mum, stop beating up on yourself. I am a mum of four and a childminder of five. I am still learning myself.

Just ensure you rest when baby is resting as you need to have the energy to bring up little ones.

Best wishes for 2010 with your baby as you learn together. Dont be afraid to ask family and friends for help whenever you need it.

MJ

Sorry did not realise there was a page two to this. Repeated myself!

MJ