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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Do yours "go all shy" in public so it looks as if they are just being rude... and what do you do?

57 replies

UnquietDad · 28/12/2009 15:46

Took 9yo DD away for the night for a concert and we met up with an old friend of mine (J) who I used to work with. She has only met him once before when she was very little. Had a quick meet-up for coffee and a chat.

DD is a girl who is always around adults and knows how to have an intelligent conversation, but you wouldn't have known it from yesterday. Every time J asked her a question she'd either shrug, or answer in a monosyllable. Whenever she did say anything she addressed me and didn't even look at J. It wasn't as if she was in a bad mood or anything. She just temporarily seemed to have forgotten how to speak to people.

I'm worried he'll have gone away with the idea that she is rude and, even worse, stupid. This is a gay bloke with no kids but he has younger relatives and knows friends' children and so knows the things to ask children to engage them - it wasn't as if we were talking about Grown Up Stuff all the time.

Gah. Sometimes I am so, so proud of her, but some days I am just ashamed...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

notnowbernard · 28/12/2009 15:50

Don't be ashamed

FWIW I remember being that age and feeling all embarassed, shy and awkward around adult men I didn't know really well. I used to DREAD having to give them a kiss goodbye or whatever

Original poster

UnquietDad · 28/12/2009 15:51

Yeah, I know... I don't really mean ashamed... just a bit upset... I hate it when my friends don't go away with a good impression of my children.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 28/12/2009 15:56

Don't worry or draw attention to it. I was a shy DC and you can't make yourself do it, so a parent getting worried or cross about it makes it worse! It comes with confidence and time.

Original poster

UnquietDad · 28/12/2009 15:58

She isn't shy, though, normally. She can be very outgoing...

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 28/12/2009 15:58

But if he's a decent bloke he's not going to be forming an assessment of her based on half an hour spent in her company, is he?

I really wouldn't worry about it

notnowbernard · 28/12/2009 15:59

I would consider myself a confident and fairly outgoing person. Doesn't mean I always feel comfortable/confident/relaxed immediately in the presence of someone I've only just met, though. And I'm 32 not 9

piscesmoon · 28/12/2009 16:02

I wasn't shy all the time! Treat it as normal and don't draw any attention to it.

Booyule · 28/12/2009 16:03

ds(4) does it all the time, i used to cringe but now when he does it i just say. "that's quite rude." and then i ignore him and talk to whoever it is i'm talking to. he either says hello or continues to hide behind me. either way, the other person knows that i havent condoned it.

fartmeistergeneral · 28/12/2009 16:04

People always worry that others will think their children rude if they don't engage in conversation. Is this actually the case?? Over the many years i've been in the company of other people's kids, loads of them have given one word answers, looked at the ground or away etc etc, and I've never once thought RUDE!!!!! I've just assumed they were a little shy. Not a big deal I don't think. In the big scheme of things you may eventually have to worry about with your dd, this is way, way minor.

festivefreakout · 28/12/2009 16:05

I think in the end it's the adult's problem if they don't understand kids have 'off' days and get tongue-tied, preoccupied etc.

You know she's great, in the end doesn't matter what he thinks from just 1 meeting

my 6 year old often won't make eye contact with people when I introduce him! Then he goes into constant interrupt mode, etc. Social skills come later.

brimfull · 28/12/2009 16:08

I know how you feel. DD specialised in doing this when she was younger-drove me mad at the time as I hated feeling embarassed about it.
In hindsight I wish I had just accepted that she was shy and ignored it.The more I nudged her and tried to cajole her into talking the worse it seemed and people end up paying more attention to the shyness than her iykwim.

PirateCatintheXmasHat · 28/12/2009 16:09

well like you said in your op, she went all shy. feeling embarrassed is a bit unfair on her, but mine does this sometimes and it does feel odd. You think, 'huh, where did my child go'
it is def nerves.

piscesmoon · 28/12/2009 16:10

Speaking as a shy child, anyone drawing attention made me want to sink into the floor! There was absolutely no way that anyone could make me speak on command-I simply couldn't do it.

MUTTletoe · 28/12/2009 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMattie · 28/12/2009 16:11

My 4 yr old is like this. Once he warms to you he is fine, but initially he is very shy and also doesn't like group situations, so if we walk into a room full of people he'll hide behind me and won't say hello.

KurriKurri · 28/12/2009 16:55

I think 9 can be a bit of an awkward age, they get a bit more self aware and self conscious.

Most sensible adults understand that children have off days. And it doesn't sound as if she was being deliberately rude.

squilly · 28/12/2009 17:04

My 8 yo, very sensible, very lovely most of the time, turned into monosyllabic girl in front of my family on Boxing night.

I live 70 miles away from my mums, so we don't see family often. I try not to take too much notice of her behaviour.

I just know that by now one or two of my sisters will have labelled her as stuck up as they tend to do. I figure that's their problem, not mine.

Your friend, if he's got ANY sense, won't take any notice. If he does, his opinion isn't worth having.

bloss · 28/12/2009 17:18

Message withdrawn

Laquitar · 28/12/2009 17:29

'I hate it when my friends don't go away with a good impression of my children'

Original poster

UnquietDad · 28/12/2009 23:03

Oh, sod off with your sodding judgey-arsed s, I'm not in the mood.

Others who have been constructive, thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnquietDad · 28/12/2009 23:08

I did make her shake hands and say goodbye and make eye contact. (J offered his hand so she couldn't really refuse that!)... "Where did my child go?" feeling is so right, though. That is just how it feels. I know he probably won't in all honesty have thought that she was rude... I hope.

I think I worry more about childless friends as I tend to think they don't "get" kids' moods the same way we parents do. Any other parent would have understood the "off day" thing.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 28/12/2009 23:11

It depends on the personality of the friend. Even before DCs I wouldn't have thought the DC rude, because I was like it myself.

KurriKurri · 28/12/2009 23:14

I imagine in reality you are so proud of her, you wanted her to wow your friend, and she had an awkward day. Don't worry, if your friend is good with kids, he will understand, and next time you meet up she'll be her usual self.

I speak as a mum of one who would shuffle and look at the ground and one who would never shut up!

Original poster

UnquietDad · 28/12/2009 23:15

Perhaps I am over-analysing...

OP posts:

brimfull · 28/12/2009 23:18

I still get embarassed by my nearly 18yr old.
I introduced her to a friend the other day , fleeting glance and hello then she carried on texting .

She got a piece of my tongue later.

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