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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

i need help...what would you have done...???

86 replies

Heathcliffscathy · 28/06/2005 20:09

i've posted about ds's biting before, so i'll cut the crap and cut straight to it. we were in someone's car today and he wanted to stay in it and pretend to be driving etc. i said he couldnt'. he was standing in passenger seat so i went round to that door to get him out, explaining that we were going in so that he could have his supper. he grabbed my arm and bit me so hard he has drawn blood.

what would you have done at that point?

he has been biting for 5 months now and is 20 months old.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Socci · 28/06/2005 20:57

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Heathcliffscathy · 28/06/2005 20:59

if he goes for another child, i always always give other child loads of attention and model being gentle with them. i've taken him home from playgroup for this too, but i honestly dont think he makes the link as he isn't that bothered if we leave playgroup or not (he is still a baby in his head i think). just looking at my arm and it is really really bad...will be black tomorrow i think...

OP posts:

weesaidie · 28/06/2005 20:59

Apparently toddlers want so much attention that sometimes negative (ie shouting) is good enough! Btw, am sure you give loads of attention to ur ds but it does say in this book they are looking for it almost 100% of the time!

Also I think when he apologise you are supposed to accept it but not go overboard as then he is getting more attention for a negative action...

Sorry to sound like a book but I am reading one and it is all I have!

Original poster

Heathcliffscathy · 28/06/2005 21:00

weesaidie i really appreciate it...thanks all of you, i just feel so f*cking depressed about it...

OP posts:

weesaidie · 28/06/2005 21:00

PS You are right to give injured child attention... thanks Dr Green!

morningpaper · 28/06/2005 21:01

Poor you sophable, I hope things improve.

FairyMum · 28/06/2005 21:02

I would say in a very serious voice "no biting. biting hurts" and then try to move on from the situation. My DS1 was a biter and he probably didn't stop biting until he was about 3. It wasn't a calculated bite. More on impulse and I don't think it was anythng he could really control at that age. I would never bite a child. I am 33 years old. He was 2.......I was secretely quite pleased when he got bitten a few times in his nursery though as I thought it might make him think, but to be honest I think their thinking is very limited at that age.

I never worried about it though. It's just one of those things and they grow out of it like everthing else.

weesaidie · 28/06/2005 21:02

PS Apologising not negative sorry but linked to negative action??

Very confusing.

No worries Sophable, will probably be in a few months!

Socci · 28/06/2005 21:03

Message withdrawn

motherinferior · 28/06/2005 21:03

Soph, sounds a horrible situation. I think you do have to get tough. You poor love.

Original poster

Heathcliffscathy · 28/06/2005 21:03

and you see this is where i unravel...cause there is a bit of me that thinks that fm is right, that he is too young to understand fully what he is doing and that going hardcore might end up being counterproductive in some way...[totally confused emoticon]

OP posts:

michellefromlakeland · 28/06/2005 21:04

soph
do what feels right
if it ahsnt worked so much you have one of two opitons

wait till he grown out of it
up i t a little

weesaidie · 28/06/2005 21:05

Kids are a pain in the a$$e sometimes eh?? Those adorable little angels....

weesaidie · 28/06/2005 21:06

Btw according to Dr Green biting is

'not premeditated, spiteful act, just a symptom of this age of little sense.'

Lonelymum · 28/06/2005 21:08

Sorry, haven't read thread, just responding to original post.

My ds3 has occasionally bitten me or someone else in the family. He is 2.4 now and hasn't done it for some time, but when he did, I used to draw away rapidly (automatic reaction, but it also worked to get ds's attention a bit and make him realise he had done wrong). I used to say very firmly, "No. You do NOT bite people. Bad boy." He got the message I think, though to be fair, I think my ds3 bites for fun whereas your ds seems to be doing it for retaliation. Is that fair?

Original poster

Heathcliffscathy · 28/06/2005 21:11

why does he bite???

it is always impulse in the moment and it is always if he is being physically taken away from something or made to do something he doesn't want or if another child is taking something from him or in his way..

it is worse when he is tired/hungry.

it is frustration i think.

OP posts:

Lonelymum · 28/06/2005 21:12

What are his language skills like? ie is he able to express himself with words? Maybe he is frustrated.

LIZS · 28/06/2005 21:12

dd used to do this - only to family though, especially me or ds. We did as Katemum siuggested, saying no firmly and ignoring her. It eventually worked but took a while.

tigermoth · 28/06/2005 21:15

It's been a while since I had a biting 20 month old to contend with. So this might not be appropriate action and it's really not much to do with the actual biting, more a way of preventing it (hopefully)

How well can he understand what you are saying? Could you tell him he has '5 minutes' to stand in the car, then it's time to go in. I find my sons, even when quite young toddlers, always liked having a warning things were coming to an end. You don't have to time an exact 5 minutes of course.

After a suitable pause, tell him it's time to go after you have counted to 5 - then count 1, 2,3, 4,5 in front of him. If he doesn't go, then carry him away. I find the counting down seems to lessen a toddler's resolve to stay and reduces the tantrums.

PS I feel quite rusty giving advice to a mother of a 20 months old boy - it's been a long time since I was there, but I did have a biter and he did get over it eventually, so can offer some hope

lemonice · 28/06/2005 21:33

Hi Sophable

I know i'm looking for help with the wee manic biter (14 months) but your ds is soundinf like my ds at that age and earlier except he kicked and i had (still have thanks to him) varicose veins on my shin and that was always where he kicked to the point that they were always a big bleeding lump..his big sis also did demented tantrums....try this..

Wherever you are (I feel the nos coming down on me but bear with me)imagine that he has passed his own point of no return

he is angry and frustrated but in a red mist

you are calm and controlled and the adult

take hold of him with him facing away and grip his arms gently but firmly so that he is kind of strait jacketed

and get him on your lap (doesn't matter if it's pavement or wherever)

but he is sitting on your lap facing away and his movement is highly restricted ie he can't bite you

sing to him ot doesn't matter what but use the same tune a nursery rhyme I used rock a Bye Baby

stay like that until he calms down at first this might be 10 or 15 minutes

Nothing to lose...

Original poster

Heathcliffscathy · 28/06/2005 21:41

why does he bite???

it is worse when he is tired/hungry.

it is frustration i think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Heathcliffscathy · 28/06/2005 21:43

sorry, computer glitch there...

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 28/06/2005 21:45

Some good tips here.

One more to add - I use a discipline technique I copied off another mother. It's called the long boring lecture. I'm pretty sure I was using it at 20 months. My DS1 used to laugh if I got angry, which really made the red mist come down, and I suddenly understood how people end up hitting kids ... ahem.

At any rate, punishment is very very boring. And often consists of a long boring lecture, delivered eye to eye, at his height, about what he's done wrong, why it's wrong, yadda yadda yadda. The speech is real, but the point is the boringness. It's not funny, it's not interesting, he can't wander off, he's stuck listening to me go on and on about what he's done wrong.

I still use this technique, and DS1 is over three.

nooka · 28/06/2005 21:58

NotQuiteCockney, just lurking here, but had to say that's a great one . The eye contact and same level thing is supposed to be great, but boring them into submission is a fantastic concept
I had a shoe thrower at that age, and we used to put him in his room and hold the door shut until he stopped screaming. Also all the warning stuff about what was going to happen next. Once their language gets better it does improve. Having said that up to last year (he's now 6!) we still had the throwing himself on the floor and screaming blue murder!

lemonice · 28/06/2005 22:01

Sorry Sophable

Right I my kids are now more or less grown ups (ds is 17) and the advice for the strait jacket technique was what I used in dd1 Inexplicable tantrum biter and also with ds who kicked

but i am now grandma to the manic biter and he seems to do it from excitement, even if generated himself so not naughty just suddenly has a frenzied attack on a toy or a child (so not being knowingly naughty just manic)but i have only just started to get my head round this sort of thing again and the recall is starting but I don't have an answer for his but yours sounded more like what i'm dredging up from memory..if you see what I mean..I guess it is time out but on you..I also used to rock while they were in the "strait jacket". The reason for doing it that way was that there was no way they would stay in one place and dd used to get the strength of the incredible hulk...it does demand patience though and is probably less a punishment than a pause for reflection and calming but it is boring so I think that is the cure potential..however I made it up myself so has no science behind it...

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