I need crisis tips on how to STOP my 3yo behaving like a very unpleasant person I do not want to be around nor does anyone else

[poorfrancesbean]

I dont need a flaming for this either I need practical advice. I am an extremely loving and patient mother who has been pushed to the very end of her patience.

My 3.6 yo DS is behaving atrociously. He is so incredibally unpleasant to be around at the moment it is just killing all happiness around him.

Very quick background I have serious health problems and DS is no doubt acting out because of that. DS also has some sort of extra emotional issues, he is seen by CAHMS, undergoing diagnosis etc nothing has come up, been suggested and we havent seen them since Oct due to annual leave etc. No help on that front. What I have, ultimately, is an extremely bright, volatile, insecure, hyperactive DS who is normally a hell of a lot of work but on the whole exceptionally lovable and great fun to be around.

He goes through stages where his behaviour is much worse and my god are we in one now. He complains from the moment he wakes til he sleeps. And he is still awake. He is in bed, singing to himself. It is 11pm. We have NO LIFE beyond caring for him. He's rarely napping anymore these days. He cant do anything for himself i.e. put shoes on but as he's in such a foul mood all the time he just screams at you that you are doing it the wrong way when you do it. He doesnt cooperate or help. When he's given little presents by visiting father christmas at preschool or advent calender he says it isnt what he wanted and throws a fit. He demands dinner then refuses to eat it even though its always been his favourite food. He hits, spits, kicks us. He isnt sleeping day or night. He's bossy and rude and I am actually sometimes ashamed of his behaviour because he seems so spoilt and unkind.

BUT I know him and I know he is lovely and I know he is hurting. He is only 3 as well! He is very worried about me and often holds on to me and says he wont let go, starts meowing and licking me saying he is my baby kitten. He asks me every day how my body is today. He has nightmares. He says I dont want him. I just cannot make him feel loved and secure enough. It is gone 11pm and he is still awake. He just came out of his room and DH walked him back in. I just dont know how to reach him he is like this 3 yr old ball of fury, rudeness and hurt at the moment and I cant get through.

How can I help him feel better and how can I get him to stop behaving so badly?

No ideas or help unfortunately,but just wanted to offer you a un-MN (((hug)))).

You sound like you are doing the best that you can, and I'm sure no-one is going to come on here and flame you.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Hi, my little boy isn't a saint either - he's 3.5. We frequently get "I want" tantrums and the last couple of days he's been frantically crying over nothing.....But there's a huge amount of oversimulation at this time of year and as you've said they're only 3!!
Does your little one go to nursery? They do need the extra stimulation of nursery at this age and I find that DS1 is more appreciative of me when he has been to nursery.
Most 3.5 year olds don't need their daytime naps any more either. Try dropping it, he is going to be a bit cranky come 5 o'clock but after a couple of weeks he'll be fine.
DS is dreadful about food too, its completely random whether he'll eat the meal put in front of him.
We went to see Charlie and Lola this afternoon, followed by softplay and when I asked DS if he enjoyed it he started crying and saying "I tired" sob....sob.....
Good luck x

the thing is we just can not get anything done. Nothing on our mammoth list of things to do moves. Or if it does, its like one tiny thing a day. Because I'm disabled and he never sleeps. There is just no time. I'm so frustrated that he is still awake. This is ridiculous.

with regard to the sleep issue I don't think that it is unreasonable for you to ask your GP for referral to a sleep clinic

I think that once he is not so tired he will be more amenable

do you have any help at home - I'm sorry, I don't know your history

In the meantime:

If he won't put on his shoes then fine, he can go out without them. Or use wellies, easy for him to put on and off

Ignore the spitting as best you can

The hitting and kicking is horrid for you

hi

my ds used to be a handful at 3. the good news is that although it feels like forever, this stage will pass. don't yell, but stay firm and make sure that you and your dh set down the same ground rules when ds is misbehaving, so he doesn't get confused. keep him busy, involve him in tasks ie 'helping' with cleaning and make him start doing little things for himself and other people, so he feels a bit more grown up i often think boredom plays a big part and as your ds sounds really bright, keep him occupied. whenever he has done something nice, doesn't matter how big or small, let him know that you noticed and make a big fuss. if you have a routine, try and stick to it as closely as possible as feeling secure can also play a big part. i am so sorry that you are not well. at your ds' age children do not understand how to cope with big scary feelings and it sometimes come out in the wrong way as they don't know how to express themselves yet. you sound like a lovely caring mum, so give yourself some credit and try to consentrate on the positives, not the negatives

We do do all of that I mean, keep him really busy, and involved and loads of praise. He is just a tyrant anyway, unless he is in the mood to be nice. I know he's been traumatised by how sick I've been though and he cant cope. I will also ask about the sleep clinic. We dont have any help at all at home. No family around etc. I have another thread talking about my desire to move to a near by city because I live in a small village and am pretty isolated.

I am so sorry your dealing with this right now!! My dd1 is 2 8 months and while she's nowhere near a handful as your boy seems. Once she starts behaving very badly I turn super strict. If she doesn't eat what I give her tantrum etc. I remove it and she gets nothing until next meal time. If she refuses to put her own shoes on or won't let me. We don't go out until she apologises and we can get moving again.

It's hard work and extremely frustrating to be strict while remaining calm and as on they're level. But it get easier as they begin to know what to expect when they behave in an unacceptable way.

i think you need to sort the sleep issue first

if he doesnt sleep much then he is bound to be exhausted, and IMO exhausted toddlers are NOT pleasant to be around!

I don't really have any practical advice although I really feel for you, but you say you're disabled, so wouldn't Social Services help at all? Do you still have contact with your Health Visitor - even in a small village, you and your son must have had a Health Visitor from when he was born, you're still entitled to enlist their help.

Maybe you've already approached both - I know Social Services do really take some bullying pestering to be of any practical use sometimes, but it sounds to me - especially since your DS is under the care of CAHMS (I never had any real success with CAHMS, I have to say ) - that you should be entitled to some help.

Hope you can get some respite soon, for yours and your son's sakes!

Hi

I'm sure this is the last thing you want to do because of course you need a break ... but ... do you think co-sleeping would help? It might give him security at a time when a small child feels most alone (ie at night), he may actually sleep and you might get some too.

Just an idea to think about.

I really really feel for your ds, he sounds so frightened of losing you

Hi,

When i saw the thread for a 3 year old misbehaving I instantly knew what you meant! They're all really difficult at this age, so you are definitely not a lone in this. Some are more difficult than others. From reading your original thread he does sound distressed and frightenend because of your health problems? Perhaps he doesn't understand fully and shows anger toward you as he's scared that you won't be there? I don't mean to sound morbid, just trying to think from his perspective. Could your GP or HV have any advice for these situations or support groups? I wish you well. You know your little boy and if he has all the good in him as you say that will win out in the end as he gets older.

I think ChrisMiss has a point. Tiredness causes bad temper and impatience in adults and is magnified 1000 times in a 3 year old.
Most 3 year olds would be asleep in bed by 7pm at the latest. If you went to bed with him at that time would he drop off? Might help you to get extra rest as well?
You said yourself you know this is an extreme stage.

I agree with others though, this can be a horrid age. I used to call my DS2 the poison dwarf when he was 3 (not to him obv). He was cantakerous and whinging and very hard work.

thanks all for posting. He is definitely worried about me I know. Any mention of anyone's illness now, even our cat being sick, and he gets very upset.

Last night he slept brilliantly, from 9:15 to 8:15 this morning! It was like another child when he woke up. He had a Christmas fun day at his preschool and when he came home at 3 fell fast asleep. He woke at 5:30 so I'm worried he wont be able to sleep tonight but he was so tired from a long day of playing I didnt have the heart to make him stay awake.

I'd be happy to cosleep with him but he struggles to sleep in any place but his own bed. What we find works sometimes is he comes in to my bed for a long quiet cuddle with me then when he is really relaxed goes back to his bed.

a good sleep really does make all the difference. my dd has had an ear infection for the past 10 days and last night was the first half decent sleep either of us got ... what a difference a day makes.

how does you ds feel about a nice warm bath? my dd loves one but loves it even more if I get in with her, sometimes we even have one in the middle of the day if I can sense she's getting "fragile"

Is there any counselling he could have re your health issues. It sounds as though this underpins a lot of his behaviour and potentially the lack of sleep (which then leads to more disruptive behavour). A neutral third party to listen to him may help.

I also think the underlying worry about your health is upsetting your son and he is not able to understand or verbalise in any other way than 'acting out'. this may be hard (and obviously I don't know what your disability is) but can you 'downplay'it in any way? ie; not talk about it in front of him.
my son was very clingy and badly behaved at this age (we think it coincided with me starting work and him starting nursery). He also physically clung to me - he would literally try to constantly crawl into my clothes - I let him 'act out' being a baby again and in fact ended up putting him in a double bed for about a year so we could sleep with him when he needed us and we all got a better sleep. he was much, much better behaved when he wasn't tired. If possible it is worth considering this - it's not regressive in my opinion - he needed reassurance and security and that was our way of providing it. it was a phase which lasted, off and on a year or so. we were also strict with our boundaries, lots of praise for the littlest things and lots of time outside getting physical play.
good luck - we also had no nearby support and found it extremely tough going but now have a lovely four year old (although he has his moments!). I think your move idea is a good one.

hi there,
With a 3.6 year old too - please be reassured that lots of this behaviour is perfectly normal developmental horror. Agree the sleep is important and taking it EASY - don't pressure yourself. I'd actually say be careful you are not trying to DO too much, sometimes just 'being' calms and reassures us all here.

also
make sure he is eating little and often (my 3yo is a nightmare if she is hungry/tired or if she needs a wee )

I work with children with EBD (emotionally behaviour difficulties). They are much older, but IME am finding the same strategies work with my 3 and 1 yo.

So, you asked for 'crisis tips' - am sure you do these already, but no harm to remind:

• expect and project GOOD behaviour (I call this my 'denial technique'). You ignore what they are doing and pretend they are about to do something positive 'oh Julie, you have finished your banana - are you going to put it in the bin now? You are SO helpful'

-sympathy and understanding - 'I KNOW you are tired, we just need to walk a little way then we will be home'

-picking your battles - saying YES if it does not matter,

-care/intimacy/touch - whatever opportunity to use touch, hands on shoulders, hair, cuddles and picking up (well, not with my secondary kids), 'babying'

-clear boundaries and consequences. if you do x, y will happen. y doesn't have to be a big deal, just has to happen (eg if you squash the banana on the table, I will take it away. And do it.)

Good luck, am sure you (we!) will see the other side soon. He will know you love him, really.

poorfrancesbean, do I 'know' you? Sorry to hear your health has declined. WRT your DS, do you still suspect what you did earlier in the year? If so, then you will need to go back to basics. "First, then". "What will happen today", etc. Stability through these things might diminish the variability of your health.

Actually, I've just read your blog, so know it's you. Un-MN

2 nights of good sleep and naps in the day and his behaviour has been much improved. He still doesnt actually go to sleep til 9:30 but he is at least then sleeping so we can do one thing at a time and gradually work on getting him back to a reasonable bedtime like he was before I got really ill.

(hi lou ) DS def is responding best still to things he can predict and understand.

Also I'm really sorry if I dont respond to specific questions and feel free to shout at me I'm not just saying it but I am really tired and ill and so forgetful it takes me ages to reply because I keep forgetting what I'm trying to say. I'm on a lot of medication etc that doesnt help. Plus I am currently covered in gingerbread dough as its construction weekend but I'm only half awake.

icancancan and Adair thanks for the great tips and I am going to be using them all! Thanks to everyone you've all been really helpful.

lou you mentioned my blog. By some miracle its got very good reviews etc but I cant get myself to write anything I'm happy with, I'm so fuzzy minded these days. Its like walking in molasses!

Hi Poorfrancesbean. I feel for you very much,because I have been there too. My ES,now 5,was so hard to manage,I spent the first 3 years of his life crying and feeling trapped and desperate. Thank God for my fabulous DH...who is amazing. Our son has been assessed for Asbergers,which he seems to have in a mild form.He is a completely different boy now,it is unbelieveable!Things that have helped are as follows.We bought a small white board,and coloured pens.We would write out the things we were going to do that day,each task in a different colour,and they would be ticked off by DS as we did them. This way he knew what to expect throughout the day.And we had to include tasks like "getting dressed"etc,as every small task was an issue,as well as going places.We made charts for good behaviour also.He and my DH would make a chart with so many squares,and a picture of the reward at the top.Up a space for good behaviour,down a space for bad.Be imaginative and fun with it.School has made a HUGE difference.He has settled so well,made so many friends.He sleeps so much better,and is so happy.People used to say to me "they all do that,it's normal at that age",and I wanted to scream!!! I have more children,and thay are a challenge,tantrums,phases and fads.But that is not the same as a child that makes you cry or feel so low everyday for months and months on end...where you wake in the morning and think "someone please help me to get through this day...".If you need help,ask for it.My HV and the team who assessed him have been FABULOUS.Always on the end of the phone.Stay positive if you can,get help,and hopefully as he gets older he will settle too.I would call his behaviour "normal"now,and I never ever thought I would be able to say that! Good luck,Woopsidaisy.

There's been some great advice on here. I certainly think that your absolute first port of call is the GP for a referral to sleep clinic. Just sit there in that surgery and tell the GP everything and stress how desperate you are. I do agree that you can't really deal with the behaviour till the sleep is sorted

Also I think you need some hours off. Your nearest city's college may have an NNEB course or similar running, maybe you could advertise there for a student to come some hours a week so that he is not your responsibility. You can't deal with this sort of child without re-charging so don't expect too much of yourself.

thank you The sympathy from you actually means so much because its so nice to not be told to just get on with it. It is actually really bloody hard! Yesterday we had friends up and DS didnt cope well and I was all day being the peace officer and trying to keep his temper in check and translate for him when he couldnt make himself understood etc and it was so exhausting by the end of the day I just wanted to drop. But then I couldnt sleep!

I think that is a lovely positive upbeat honest and very helpful post Woopsidaisy

He sounds like he might benefit from seeing a good homeopath. He is clearly upset by your ill health (my dd was like this last year when I wasn't well, v similar sounding clingy and yet aggressive behaviour). We found someone who "got" her straight away, and I have found the homeopathy to be v helpful.

Before I found the homeopath, I found bachs flower remedies to be v helpful w emotional issues, from nightmares and over excitement, to disruptive behaviour and clinginess.

Sorry about the alternative helath suggestions, am sure you are doing as good a job on the parenting front as possible, so thought I'd throw in my penny's worth, iyswim....

best of luck....