I need crisis tips on how to STOP my 3yo behaving like a very unpleasant person I do not want to be around nor does anyone else

[poorfrancesbean]

I dont need a flaming for this either I need practical advice. I am an extremely loving and patient mother who has been pushed to the very end of her patience.

My 3.6 yo DS is behaving atrociously. He is so incredibally unpleasant to be around at the moment it is just killing all happiness around him.

Very quick background I have serious health problems and DS is no doubt acting out because of that. DS also has some sort of extra emotional issues, he is seen by CAHMS, undergoing diagnosis etc nothing has come up, been suggested and we havent seen them since Oct due to annual leave etc. No help on that front. What I have, ultimately, is an extremely bright, volatile, insecure, hyperactive DS who is normally a hell of a lot of work but on the whole exceptionally lovable and great fun to be around.

He goes through stages where his behaviour is much worse and my god are we in one now. He complains from the moment he wakes til he sleeps. And he is still awake. He is in bed, singing to himself. It is 11pm. We have NO LIFE beyond caring for him. He's rarely napping anymore these days. He cant do anything for himself i.e. put shoes on but as he's in such a foul mood all the time he just screams at you that you are doing it the wrong way when you do it. He doesnt cooperate or help. When he's given little presents by visiting father christmas at preschool or advent calender he says it isnt what he wanted and throws a fit. He demands dinner then refuses to eat it even though its always been his favourite food. He hits, spits, kicks us. He isnt sleeping day or night. He's bossy and rude and I am actually sometimes ashamed of his behaviour because he seems so spoilt and unkind.

BUT I know him and I know he is lovely and I know he is hurting. He is only 3 as well! He is very worried about me and often holds on to me and says he wont let go, starts meowing and licking me saying he is my baby kitten. He asks me every day how my body is today. He has nightmares. He says I dont want him. I just cannot make him feel loved and secure enough. It is gone 11pm and he is still awake. He just came out of his room and DH walked him back in. I just dont know how to reach him he is like this 3 yr old ball of fury, rudeness and hurt at the moment and I cant get through.

How can I help him feel better and how can I get him to stop behaving so badly?

I'm late coming to this but I wanted to sympathise as I too have a 3.6 DS and also have a rather large health issue which has been exacerbated by my (nearly finished) pregnancy. DS as times has frankly been a nightmare - and because we have been very stressed and worried we often haven't dealt with it appropriately and it's spiralled horribly down . But, certain things have helped.

I ALWAYS, even when it involves a lot of pain and the last ounce of energy I have, do his bedtime story and have a little chat at that time. Even on days I'm in bed, he knows that is always his sacred time. Even when other people have had to take over everything else, just that 5 minutes means a lot to him (and me!).

We try our best to a) minimise and b) explain, as basically as possible what Mummy's illness means. It's long term and chronic and flares but we explain that most people don't have illness like this, most people don't have to go to hospital so often, that the doctors try to make mummy better and take away the pain but sometimes the medicine makes mummy very tired. We actively ask him "are you worried?" when his behaviour is awful and quite often that will lead to floods of tears and an outpouring of his worries, which we couldn't predict but are normally easy enough to explain to him once he's vocalised them. e.g. we had one the other day when he said "I'm worried you will go to the hospital in the night" - it hadn't occured to us he would think that, but we could explain that if we did we would wake him and take him to a friends on the way etc.

We are firm and stick to the 'rule sheet' - ie we stick to the same boundaries that we always do - he gets more worried if he thinks he can 'get away with stuff'.

We also have tried to have him come to some of the hospital appts so that he sees what happens and realises that they aren't scary etc.

And down time - when we've all just had enough we all just stay in bed and watch CBeebies - ok it's not a great long term strategy - but a) if he's tired enough he'll fall asleep and b) it takes v little effort on my part

It's hard because they are old enough to understand there's a problem, and that it's different to other mums etc but not old enough to place things in context, explain how they feel etc etc. And a lot of my friends keep reassuring me that 3 year olds without the issues of a parent's ill health are difficult, so some it is just age

hello
you've had lots of positive and helpful advice already. He sounds like a bright child who is atune to your not being 100% well.
This is going to sound simplistic given the things people have already said but as I have a 3.3 yr old who sometimes acts in similar ways, I will say that what I have found to help most is making sure he is FED on time and given enough food. Sometimes he will reject food he doesn't like and I have to work and cajole him to eat properly sometimes (and make something different, if I must) but its the difference between Jekell and Hyde.
Good luck, keep well, don't lose heart.