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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I don't know where to put this.............How do I handle this?

39 replies

LoveMyGirls · 15/12/2009 16:59

Dd1 is 10years old and is upset at the moment because she wants to know more about where she comes from.

How can I find out what she wants to know (if he has had any more children in the past 10 years) without opening a huge can of worms?

I think if he wanted contact he would have contacted me as he knows where we are and also it wouldn't suprise me if he has had any more children that he doesn't have contact with them either.

Dd1 thinks she is really missing out.

How do I handle this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

biggirlsdontcry · 15/12/2009 18:41

bumping this for you , for your dd ,

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 15/12/2009 19:16

Sorry I was rushing writing this earlier as didn't want dd to see it.

I really don't know how I can find out if she has any half brothers/ sisters. We have dd2 so she has a sister and my dh has been a fabulous dad to dd since she was 2yrs old, to me our family is complete, to her there are parts missing and questions she wants answering. Dd has asked me a few times over the past few days if I have found anything out yet, even if I could find out what would I do about it? I can hardly go knocking on people's doors saying my dd wants to meet her half brother/ sister even though they probably haven't seen him either and what if they have and she hasn't? Then what?

Dd1 said earlier you see your dad, you don't know what it feels like, she's right I don't. I know him and I know she is better off living her life without him in it but obviously this doesn't help her.

In the past she has asked to meet him and I explained she was very young and it would be best to wait until she is mature enough to handle it and to be grown up enough to not be influenced by him. As I said if he wanted to find us he would have by now, I gave him the choice of taking me to court many years ago and he never bothered.

I always knew this would be hard. I was 16 when I got pregnant.

OP posts:

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 16/12/2009 08:34

bump

OP posts:

Stigaloid · 16/12/2009 08:46

Have you spoken to your previous partner? Do you know how to make contact with either him or his family?

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 16/12/2009 11:53

I haven't spoken to him in over 10 years, I got an injuction against him because he was voilent, abusive, destructive. He refused to work or contribute anything at all, even refused to visit dd because it was raining one day. He had drink and drugs problems and a lot of criminal convictions and has spent a lot of time in prison. You can see the type of person he is and why I don't want either dd or myself having contact with him.

I have no idea where he is but I know that looking for him would bring nothing good.

OP posts:

OhChristmasTEEOhChristmasTEE · 16/12/2009 12:07

Does she know all of that? If not, it might be time to explain why you know nothing about him or possible other children.

FimbleHobbs · 16/12/2009 12:08

I am sure you are right that you are better off without your ex in your life, BUT your DD needs to know this for herself. And she may have a grandparent/auntie/sibling/cousin/whatever that could be good in her life. So I think you should do some investigating and see who you can contact.

I grew up without a mum (different, as she had died) but being in contact with her family has been so important to me. I have the world's best stepmum but she still can't tell me about my family history like my aunty can.

You sound like a great mum and totally capable of protecting your DD whilst she meets/learns about the other members of her family. Good luck.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 16/12/2009 12:13

Do you think that telling your dd how horrible her dad was would put her off wanting contact? If it were me, I'd probably say he was dead. I daresay I'll get a flaming for that but, I would.

MmeLindt · 16/12/2009 12:16

Does your DD know what kind of man her biological father is?

Can you talk to her about him, telling her the facts about him and trying not to let your personal feelings about him cloud the way you talk.

Is there anyone who knew/knows him who could tell her about him, someone she trusts?

I would be honest with her, tell her that you were happy for her not to have contact with him because you wanted to protect her from him. But that if she wants to meet him and see for herself what he is like, then you will not stop her.

I am assuming that he is still the same wanker as he was back then, she will see through him.

If you don't allow contact then she will idolise the image she has of him, and imagine him to be something he is not.

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 16/12/2009 12:23

His dad was an alcoholic, his mum left them when they were young for their dad to bring up, she used to belt them with a frying pan, I've been there when his dad has been drunk and beat him up as well, his life wasn't perfect and he was who and what he was largely down to his upbringing. His gran refused to not smoke infront of dd and hated me for some unknown reason. His sister helped him break into my house and trashed it using knives and paint splashed everywhere. I asked his dad for help at the time, I rang him and said ex had threated to come and smash our (mine and dd's) home up, he said he won't and if he does I can't stop him.

I have explained to dd that he wasn't very nice and didn't want to help me look after her, my mum, sister and close friends have supported me and said that when it all happened we were all in agreement it would be best all round if he didn't have contact.

I think contacting him would be a trigger for him to come back into our lives and destroy the happy life we have, I have worked so hard to make a stable life for dd and I would not want to encourage him to come and detroy it again.

Things he has done in the past include things like dragging me by my hair down the street whilst I was pushing dd in her pushchair.
Breaking into my home several times (to either trash it or steal things)
Watching me and sending threatening texts

I would be terrified if he came back into our lives.

Kreecherlivesupstairs - I wish he was dead, it would save a lot of pain, dd1 wouldn't feel so upset that he just doesn't want to be her dad and I wouldn't live in fear of him ever coming near us again.

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 16/12/2009 12:26

I think that you have to tell her what you have written here.

Don't let him back into your life, but explain to your DD why you don't want any contact with him.

I know she is young but she will understand your fear.

Does your DD get on particularly well with one of your family? Could you have that person there, someone that she trust to back up your story?

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 16/12/2009 12:36

Just read my last post back and thought what kind of man would do that to the mother of his child, a mum who was 17yrs old and finding it hard enough to cope, I had very PND and was broke and lonely, why did he have to add to that, why couldn't he have made life easier? By helping look after her so I could have a rest, getting a job so he could give us money.

I wasn't with him when I found out I was pregnant, I'd slept with him once in a drunken state, thought getting pregnant wouldn't happen to me. I had got rid of him a week after we slept together and thought good riddance, then I foudn out I was pregnant he rang from prison and I told him, he wrote to me promising me the world, I believed him and thought no-one else would want a pregnant 16yr old for a girlfriend anyway, I tried to make it work, hoping he would support us. I never loved him. When he became voilent, abusive and wouldn't help with dd I told him it was over, he was evil to me for a year until I got together with another bloke (who was even more abusive, I didn't realise that until 6 months down the line)

I left him after 18mths of an on off relationship and found my lovely husband who is a wonderful caring bloke so we're very happy now and I never want to go back to how my life was back then. We got married a few months ago I feel like life has finally settled down. Dd1 does bring it up every few years but I guess the time when I have to let her find out for herself is coming. I want it to be done in the least disruptive way possible. I know at the moment she is wondering and possibly thinking him to be better than he is, I have told her he isn't a saint on a white horse coming to whisk her off to his millionaires pad and buy her everything that is pink he wouldn't even buy her a greggs sausage roll and that the dad she has got would lay down his life for her in a second if he needed to.

What else can I do? (rambling, sorry, feels better to get it off my chest)

OP posts:

racmac · 16/12/2009 12:46

I grew up without a dad - he didnt want contact with me and he was an alcoholic. I think all you can do is be completely honest with her and explain why he is not welcome in your life.

She is bound to ask questions and be curious - thats human nature.

My mum was always honest and I appreciated that.

I would be telling her that he was violent to you and he had a problem with drink and drugs - you dont need to go into huge details with her but give her the basics.

You have done brilliantly with your life - well done

MmeLindt · 16/12/2009 12:50

Lovemygirls,
I would tell her a bit about that, maybe not too much details but be honest about him hurting you, and breaking into your home. Show her that you got away from him to protect her.

And that you were so lucky to meet your DH who loves her as a Dad should.

Her biological father was never a father to her.

Well done for sorting out your life, and making a wonderful home for your girls.

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 16/12/2009 12:53

Thanks, I am trying to be honest but don't want her to think I'm poisoning her against him so I'm trying to keep it to a minimum and will explain when she is older, I've got letters, photos (of damage he did) somewhere in the attic and close people in our life who can verify I didn't push him out of our life without very good reasons, no doubt his side of it would be it was my fault but I know his behaviour was definitly not my fault and not something I wanted dd1 to witness so it was his own doing.

What do I do about dd wanting to find brothers/ sisters? I think this is the bit she is most concerned about at the moment, we've been through her wanting to know about my ex a few times but this is the first time she's mentioned wanting to find siblings, I think she thinks they will be like her as our dd2 is. I don't think she understands they will have been brought up completely differently and I have no way of finding out if they exist, he may not even know they exist and their mums might notwant my dd to meet their dd/ds.

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 16/12/2009 12:54

Unless there is a chance that he has changed and I find that possibilty incredibly unlikely. I would say that he died. I would do what others said much better than I did, let her know about the violence, drinking, drugging etc, obviously not in great detail then finish the tale off with 'of course his way of life killed/had him killed in the end'. The man is clearly a waste of blood cells and won't enhance her life in any way shape or form. She sis lucky to have you as a mum and your dh as a dad.

MmeLindt · 16/12/2009 12:58

Hmm, the sibling thing is more difficult.

You have come so far to get out of that environment, it would be awful to get sucked back in.

Have you googled him recently? Or do you have anyone pc savvy who could stalk find out where he is and what he is up to? Via Facebook?

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 16/12/2009 13:04

His sister did contact me once via facebook about a year ago but I ignored it and changed my settings because I couldn't trust her either as she attacked me in the street while I was with dd1. I could look on there I guess but I would need to do it without them knowing I had been looking.

OP posts:

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 16/12/2009 13:08

I've just looked but without adding him or his sister as a friend on there I can't see any info. Just seeing his name makes me feel stressed!

Just thought I have an old school friend who might be able to find some info out but I'd have to trust her not to tell him anything. I changed a lot of my friends because I couldn't trust them not to tell him things (like my new phone number or address)

OP posts:

TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 16/12/2009 13:14

I speak from an adoption perspective and can tell you that (on the whole) some children want to know who their biological parents are regardless of how shitty they are. He is 50% of her DNA and she obviously really needs to know more about him in order to process who she is.

I think you can be completely honest with her and say that you will support her trying to contact him PROVIDED you can do it in such a way as to protect the family (including her) from him. Perhaps he could be contacted by a third party.

She obviously needs to see him if possible and if you refuse she wil;l hold it against you and wait until she is old enough to search on her own. I think she is old enough for you to respect her wishes to know him but equally she is old enough to respect your wishes to keep him well away from the family unit.

FimbleHobbs · 16/12/2009 13:17

Reading your updates I take back most of what I said before - and congratulate you on doing so well in your life.

I agree with those who suggest telling your DD some of what has happened in a factual type of way.

There might still though be some information that you/DD would want in the future - really just medical/genetic type things - though this is probably less important for a girl to know from her father (than boy/dad or girl/mum). I am not sure how you would go about that really and I suppose its no different for adopted children, it might be better to focus on 'growing up without knowing background' than 'finding out background' - does that make sense?

Re her comment about what its like not seeing her dad - is there someone like a counsellor or someone she could talk to about her feelings - ie someone who isn't involved or that she would see as biased against her dad?

I think you are totally right to keep him out of your life and I think your DDs feelings are valid too.

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 16/12/2009 13:37

Is it unreasonable for me to want her to wait until she is at least 18 before she contacts him?

I just think 10 is still so young, I think her meeting him would damage her emotionally and also at the moment she might be putting him on a pedstal at times but our chats do bring her expectations down a bit, I remind her he knows where other family members are and if he wanted to have contact he would find a way and if I can keep doing that for the next 8 yrs at least then it will avoid the trauma that it will create when she realises I was right all the time and that he isn't this amazing person. At the moment I don't know what would happen if she realised that at the age she is now? I feel I need more time to instill morals and what is right and wrong before she is in contact with him so that he cannot influence her, so she will be strong enough to walk away if she wants to like I did.

As for siblings, I can understand this as I grew up with lots (not all bio but siblings non the less) would it be better for her to try to find them when she is old enough to find out on her own with my support, rather than me doing it for her?

OP posts:

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 16/12/2009 13:40

How would I access counselling? I know adults can get it through their gp, is it the same for children? Would I be able to stay with her?

OP posts:

FimbleHobbs · 16/12/2009 13:47

Well, you were 16 when you fell pregnant, so I suspect she'd find it unfair that she can't make important decisions until 18 when you made them at 16. (I know it is not as simple as that - but do you think she might see it like that? And could then be resentful?)

10 is very young and I understand your fears. But on the other hand when she is 18 you won't be able to protect her/limit her exposure in the same way that you can when she is a child. And its 8 more years of potential pedestal-ising the idiot.

What happened to you is NOT going to happen to her, you know. All the strength you have built up and the strong family you have now, are all going to protect her.

FimbleHobbs · 16/12/2009 13:49

I don't know re. counselling - I have no experience at all of anything like this - I just really feel for you. Maybe worth contacting a domestic violence helpline, surely they would have experience/advice on this sort of thing.

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