I don't know where to put this.............How do I handle this?

[LoveMyGirls]

Dd1 is 10years old and is upset at the moment because she wants to know more about where she comes from.

How can I find out what she wants to know (if he has had any more children in the past 10 years) without opening a huge can of worms?

I think if he wanted contact he would have contacted me as he knows where we are and also it wouldn't suprise me if he has had any more children that he doesn't have contact with them either.

Dd1 thinks she is really missing out.

How do I handle this?

Good points.

I was thinking maybe we could set up an email/ new face book account so that we could access him that way she could find things out from him but he wouldn't see her or know which school she goes to or where we live etc? But then I thought it would be a chance for him to try and show his good side and then what if she wants to meet him because she thinks he is a nice person?

Please don't tell her he's dead. I grew up without my father and many times between 10yo and 14yo I asked my mum about him and all she would say is that she'd tell me more when I was older and that I could meet him then if I wished.

I lived through my teens wondering, my twenties wondering and eventually without mums help I tracked him down. The need to know where you come from and who that person is never goes away, at least it didn't for me. It was always hugely important to me to know who I was. I got my closure age 30. I met him, he wasn't all I had imagined him to be but in finding him I found myself. I had nothing more missing.

I would stick to your guns. Tell her some, easily digestable for her age, truths and tell her that when she's old enough to understand more you will help her.

I had an uncle who was so involved in my life (long story) and was a father figure to me in every sense that I called him dad. To this day, despite my bio father now wanting me to call him dad, I still call my uncle dad. It's difficult for children to understand but trust me when you get older you appreciate the 'dad' who wiped your tears, played with you, laughed with you, even set the rules for you so much more than you do the sperm donor who years later thinks he can muscle in.

Hope things work out for you.

Thank you, it's great to hear from someone who has been there (not great that you have had to go through it though)

How old do you think she should be before I should help her to find him?

Also did you have siblings you didn't know about? What happened if so?

I had siblings when my dad died - I was 17

It was wierd - they knew about me, I didnt know about them

1 of them wanted to know for a while, 1 didnt want anything to do with me

But they had been shit on by him as well so we had a common bond

I've got to go now, thanks for talking to me about this. I will be back at some point.

TBH LMG I don't know but try not to stress too much about it because you will know how to deal with it when the time comes. You'll know your own dd's level of maturity and at what age she'll be capable of understanding more and be able to make an informed decision herself.

Don't ever lie to her because then she'll doubt any truth you tell her and she may very well hold it against you. For now just be as honest as you can without frightening her (if she found out he broke in she could start to fear that happening again which leads to a whole other world of s**t) and tell her when the time comes you'll do all you can to help her.

You seem like a wonderful Mum. Just trust yourself and be honest but put the questions to bed for another few years. She will understand eventually it's just the fantasy of what she may be missing in her childs mind that's driving all the questions now.

Thanks, it is hard not to worry about it, I worry what I do now will affect our relationship in the future and obviously that is very important to me, I offered dd1 the chance to chat with me about it but she said she didn't want to so I'll leave it until she brings it up again.

I think sometimes her behaviour can be a bit bad because she is worrying about it and wants attention but instead of just saying can I ask you questions etc she will do things she knows she isn't supposed to so that she gets told off and then she cries and then brings it up, I wish she would just ask in the first place as it can seem a bit like she brings it up to get out of trouble but it's like a catch 22 iyswim? Also sometimes I think she can be mean to her sister (I know sisters argue etc) out of a kind of resentment that her sister has both her parents together and she hasn't even though as I said DH is the most amazing dad I could ever have chosen for dd1, does that make sense?

LMG This is quiiite spooky! I have almost exactly the same past as you - had dd1 at 17, she's now 10, met my lovely dh when she was 3, now have dd2 who is 2.5 and got married 2 years ago. My exdp was not as bad as yours but pretty awful, and also has no contact. His sister also contacted me by facebook and i closed my account and reopened it in married name with settings on it that mean nobody can even click on my name unless i invite them I also had pnd, it was horrible. i look back on those days as dark dark times and i really totally understand why you would not want to go anywhere near him again. However, I think you have to support her with this cos otherwise it will build resentment between you and she needs you to be cool so she can have this wobbler and then recover.

Telling her he's dead is a bad idea. Sorry to other posters, I can see why it seems simpler but if she ever found out you'd lied it would harm her trust in you in such a massive way that it could never be worth it.

Regarding other children he may or may not have had, I suggest that you sit with her with some sort of family tree chart, fill in the bits you know, and show her how many other people you'd have to know to add on her half brothers or sisters. Put question marks there and explain that you have no way of knowing everyone he may have had children with, and that that aspect of it would be better and much easier to do when they are older and have their own facebook accounts etc and may also be trying to find out stuff about their heritage. You can't really go around asking people so she needs to know what is realistic. So you're not saying 'no' to her, you're saying it will take a long time to find out.

i'm waiting for the time when dd1 turns around and tells me that she wants to find him/relatives. She's not been fussed so far but I'm sure she will... So I'm really interested in your story....

I think that:
a) you should not open a facebook account cos he can hide behind it and she might build him up into something he's not. she would need to see him face to face to get it out of her system.
b) it would be really good to get counselling of some kind, for both of you even? because you went through some horrible stuff and this will be dragging it up for you, and you need to be in a strong place to help her through this phase. what about relate? don't they do this sort of thing as well? you might have to pay though, depending on your hubby's income...
c) she's old enough to see those pictures and hear it verified that he can be fine, but has also been aggressive and violent. that way you can explain to her why it will take a while, and why you need to be very careful how you get in touch with him. you can also tell her that there are certain rules to stick to to keep you both safe, and make a deal with her that if at any point you think either of you (or your dh and dd2) are in any danger you can back out and not look any further or have any further contact.

don't ever let him or anyone who knows him get hold of your address or phone number or anything. don't ever let him anywhere near you house, and if you intend to meet with him i think you should get some legal advice first and get a third party or meediator or something like that. take her with you to see the whole process cos it's important for her to know you're working on it but that it's complicated.

sorry this was so long... ii've had all this stuff in my head for years!!

I come at this from an adoption perspective too.

I wouldn't want my DS to have contact with his birth family until 18 at the earliest, when he is mature enough to handle the issues involved. But we do write to birth relatives via a 'letterbox' system ie we send the letter to social services and they send it on.

If his background is as you describe, is there any chance SS are involved with him, or any possible children? Might they be willing to mediate contact, or to find out some info for your DD?

I'd support her need to know about her birth father in an age appropriate way, but agree with you that it doesn't sound like a relationship she is ready to handle face to face.

It does make sense. My dd sees her dad every other weekend and sometimes when she misbehaves the end result is her crying saying she misses her Dad. I never know if the behaviour is to eventually lead to discussing her feelings about missing him or if it's a tactic to get out of trouble. I usually try to deal with the misbehaviour then ask her if she wants to talk about her dad. This has helped because she knows there'll always be consequences to misbehaving but if she just wants to talk about how she's feeling, I'll listen without the need for a big lead-up to it.

She has a half sister who also doesn't live with him but lives closer and gets to see him midweek which makes dd upset and resentful and she'll take it out on her sister. I have no idea how to solve it except to stick to the rules about how we should treat other people and again just be available for a chat if she wants to.

I wish I had something positive to offer you but if I'm honest, I wing it most of the time. She's my only child so I just take it a day at a time and hope I do right by her. I think that's all any of us can hope for.

Some good advice on here. Hope things work out.

Best of luck to you and your family and Happy Christmas

my DH is adopted and had questions when about 14 which his adopted parents handled really badly - didn't give him the opportunity to ask etc - it became a no go area. He eventually contacted his birth father when he was 30 - just after we had DS - becoming a parent can often be a trigger. He could not trace his birth mother. His birth father turned out to be very very dull, no connection between them at all, they stick to the odd phone call but even that is a chore. Given the background I would wait until she is older and can understand more. I would suggest counselling - you can't trace anyone via adoption without counselling and she needs to be prepared for the risk of rejection etc he might not want to know. Even adults who trace birth parents find this hard. There is a lot that can go wrong and you need to be talked through this by experts. In adoption cases they handle any contact eg letters for you so it goes through a third party and you don't have to give away your details. Speaking from a friends experience of a violent partner - he did go on and have another family - but was violent again - and probably moved onto another family by now and more violence etc. I would get some proper advice but for now would probably just answer her questions but not arrange any contact without an intermediary.

I think its important to be honest about him but give information which she can handle at her age. Don't let her build up a fantasy father. My DH does not regret finding his birth father - but he grew up always feeling there was this missing piece and actually when he met him he realised there hadn't been anything missing at all, it did not add anything to who he was.

Can I just add something that you may need to think about pretty soon?

You DD is getting to the age where she will want to be involved in networking sites e.g. facebook.

Its something to bear in mind as your ex was so violent and abusive.

It is very easy for absent parents to track down children and for children to do the same. My DS's birth mother contacted me though facebook and it was a right pain in the arse. Wouldve been much worse if he had been old enough to have his own page.

I only say this because your dd is expressing interest in finding her father. Kids are so computor literate these days.

Hi Lovemygirls, FWIW, I think that 10 is too young for her to be making decisions about contacting him. By the time she is 16 she'll be a different person and then she can make that decision for herself (with your guidance), but I'm sure you are doing the right thing in keeping your lovely family well away. She's bound to be curious, but at 10 she's still very much a child and your the adult. Stick to what your instincts are clearly telling you is the best course of action. But you can tell her some of the truth about her biological father.