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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Can I opt out of kids parties for ever?? or how to vaguely look in control in public??? Bit long sorry!

33 replies

fordywastaylor · 14/12/2009 19:19

Yesterday me, DH and DS (2.7) were at a 3yr old's party. Mostly girls but not a problem as DS knew most from nursery..little angels quite literally! Then in came us...where my DS gets his confidence is a mystery, he was up there grooving his stuff, charging about using the balloons as weapons etc etc. It all got out of hand during the candle blowing and my DS felt the need to bully his way to the front - tears from the birthday girl at not blowing out her candles... and so on. Me and DH just watched in amazement at his antics, and were quite surprised, almost as though he has been let out of a cage and was just on one! This went on for a while, him and us under the tables and dragging him out of some scrape or another - to me I just wonder if we looked like a couple of numpties just not managing a situation that well. I did try a minutes time out in the corridor, but no real impact. In then end we left a little early I had had enough and didn't want to cope with whatever pass the parcel would bring. The long and short is....How do I cope in public with a disruptive boy who is totally strong willed and quite happy to tell both his parents to go away! Am I wimping out/being unfair cos I feel like never going to a party again till at least till the age of 5, is it ok to opt out? Why do I feel useless in public??

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piscesmoon · 14/12/2009 19:23

I would just tell him that it was unacceptable and next time he does it you will take him straight home-and then do it.

Original poster

fordywastaylor · 14/12/2009 19:27

Yeah that's what we ended up doing, ofcourse he was screaming he wanted to go back but we came home and then he went upstairs to cry a bit. After about half hour he came down and said sorry to both of us - but he is getting good at that and learns that things thus return to normal. DH went a bit further and told him his advent calendar was gone and no more chocolate...we have never removed anything of his in punishment, but he has not asked for the chocolate today which is a surprise.

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piscesmoon · 14/12/2009 19:33

You may have to remove him from several parties before he gets the message, but it will be worth it in the long run. Make it plain before you go in and then don't argue or bargain-just remove. I wouldn't argue or discuss afterwards either-just calmly sound like a broken record 'we came home because you were spoiling the party'.

piscesmoon · 14/12/2009 19:36

Actually, reading it properly I see that he is very little. I expect that he just got over excited. Ignore my last post-perhaps you could just take him out and walk him around the block to calm down and try again. Be prepared to hold on to him at a party. I wouldn't worry-he will probably be fine when older.

Francagoestohollywood · 14/12/2009 19:38

I agree that the best way to deal with this is to remove from the party, with no negotiations etc.
I can't help but thinking though that he is extremely young. Quite a predictable behaviour for a child your ds's age, so don't get too stressed out about this

And as for using balloons as weapons... well , that goes on and on and on and on

Original poster

fordywastaylor · 14/12/2009 19:39

I am just wondering if we will ever get an invite again. I did wonder if we had over reacted when we came home, DH and I analized it all last night during X factor. But it seems we were right to remove him! It seems so much worse cos the party we went to was our next door neighbours girl, we only moved here recently and were glad to get an invite! In general in public is it best to ignore bad behaviour - unless its dangerous or something the like?

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piscesmoon · 14/12/2009 19:43

I think that with the age that he is you just pick him up and hold on to him tightly. If you can't contain him, take him out-with the view to taking him back when calm. In public you have to stop him upsetting others.
I wouldn't punish him afterwards-he is very much a baby still. Removal is the punishment.

Original poster

fordywastaylor · 14/12/2009 19:45

Would you remove toys and stuff at home, or is that not worth it?

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Francagoestohollywood · 14/12/2009 19:47

I am not very good at ignoring bad behaviour in my dc to be honest !
Your son is very little. To be honest, had I been the mother of the birthday girl, I wouldn't have even registered your son's behaviour or been shocked by it. It is totally in line with what children his age can do.
Don't worry !!!

piscesmoon · 14/12/2009 19:51

I wouldn't do anything at home-he won't connect the two things. He is a small DC, the party was exciting and he got over excited! Next time he goes to one just explain to the host that parties tend to send him hyper and you will take him out if that happens. I would keep tight control of him and take him out if he becomes a problem to others, explain to him that it is xxx birthday and xxx blows the candles etc and tell him that if he is too rough he will go home. I wouldn't make a big thing about it-as he gets older he will learn about playing with others, sharing and cooperating-he just hasn't reached that stage yet.

Original poster

fordywastaylor · 14/12/2009 19:52

I find it really hard to ignore his behaviour sometimes, he hates being in the pushchair, but still runs off if we let him walk as a sort of treat. Just these last few days we decided it was safer to have him in the pushchair rather than risk an accident, but that means him kicking and shouting whilst in the pushchair. My SIL said last night that the party incident was partly due to him being an only child and getting his own way at home I assume), but there were other only kids at the party and they weren't so disruptive. I ain't having another baby so I need to calm down and handle stuff better.

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Original poster

fordywastaylor · 14/12/2009 19:58

Pisces - I think that when I am on my own I seem to deal with stuff better, when DH is about I tend to leave him in charge (I am at home every day with DS, and think why not!) yesterday I noticed he was useless! Taking him out of a situation is a good one for me, I did that yesterday but probably not for long enough to get the message across his behaviour was not wanted. I am sure we will have more opportunities like this one!

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RacingSnake · 14/12/2009 20:23

Don't fall into the trap of allowing every problem to be blamed on DS being an only child - onlies shoe the whole range of character traits, as do children with siblings.

Sadly, you are probably the better judge of how to manage his behaviour, if you are with him day in day out.

If you think his behaviour really was out of order, how about a card to say sorry, or some biscuits 'made' by ds? I agree he is far too young to be held responsible, but you do want to be invited again!

Original poster

fordywastaylor · 14/12/2009 20:30

I don't believe the onlie theory from SIL, usually its a line to try to make us think about having another child (she has 3) I think that he prob was just being a little boy hyper with excitement. I must admit tho, his confidence astounded both of us!

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MrsBadger · 14/12/2009 20:32

dd (2.4) has some tendencies in this direction

personally I am constantly prepared to hold onto her at critical moments and/or remove her physically from the situation in order to have a serious talk and/or some quiet winding-down time in a handy corridor.

like piscesmoon I say a lot 'we came out because yuou were spoiling the party. Are you ready to go back in and behave nicely?'

CMOTdibbler · 14/12/2009 20:32

TBH, he sounds pretty typical for a not yet 3 year old at an exciting party. My advice is to try and get a good amount of energy off him before hand - a run in the park is good, and then if you see his energy levels coming up at the party, have a chase around with him.

If it then gets inappropriate, sit him on your lap and hold him till he can calm down a bit. Anything you do has to be in the immediate at his age

SIL is being silly with the only child comment imo.

Original poster

fordywastaylor · 14/12/2009 20:35

What age do they start to connect about sharing co playing/cooperating and stuff like that?

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Original poster

fordywastaylor · 14/12/2009 20:38

Yeah on hindsight we should of had a blast at the park...weather and all that! Will bear that in mind for the next one tho.....if I can get hold of enough valium for the duration. SIL also thinks he doesn't go to enough parties to get the practice...Her kids are hard core party goers and go to the opening of an envelope! what do I do, place an ad in the paper???

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wonderingwondering · 14/12/2009 20:39

I used to take the buggy in to the party, with the threat that if he misbehaved he'd have to sit in it until he could behave. The threat seemed to work, as he did understand, at age 3, that there'd be consequences if he didn't listen when I asked him to calm down a bit.

I think a few mins in the buggy to calm down is more appropriate for over-exuberance (fighting with balloons!) than leaving, esp for such a young child.

I think with an older child and really unacceptable behaviour (biting etc), then leaving immediately is the answer.

Rosebud05 · 14/12/2009 21:12

His behaviour does sounds pretty normal for his age, tbh. I find that I'm hyper aware of my 2.8 year old dcs behaviour, but that other people don't miss a beat about it.
If there's a particular behaviour that you can anticipate might be a problem beforehand, then what I've tried with my dd is brief discussion and practice beforehand eg practicing saying 'can I have a go please?' rather than pushing etc. Not 100% guarantee, but reminding them of it is more likely to encourage them to shape up in times of high spirits than abstract principles like 'share' IME.
Your son sounds lovely by the way.

Tortington · 14/12/2009 21:14

i rarely went to shit like this

its fucking torture

i am not into torturing myself when i have shit on my plate

GrumpyWhenWoken · 14/12/2009 21:48

I think it sounds pretty normal for a child that age, my ds1 is 8 this year and whilst he seems sensible compared to ds2 who's 4, he still has his moemnts.

Boys do seem to be more erratic and excitable from what I've seen, so don't worry, I'm now of the opinion that I'd rather that than a child who clings to my leg and doesn't join in.

I did read somewhere that children don't understand actions and consequences till they're about 5 - not sure how true that is, but my experience would confirm that.

cory · 15/12/2009 08:20

I agree with Pisces: pick him up the moment he starts misbehaving, take him straight home if he won't calm down, keep doing it- as long as the other mums see that you are on top of the situation, you will get the invites.

Same with pushchair, he either walks sensibly or goes straight in, ignore any screaming and kicking.

You don't need to punish him at home, just make it clear that you will react instantly when he kicks off.

Don't agree it's only boys- had far more trouble with dd than with ds.

AvrilH · 15/12/2009 10:59

I'd be annoyed if you ignored your ds' bad behaviour in my home. I'd expect you to grab him if he was disrupting the party and preventing the birthday girl from blowing out her candles, rather than just "watch in amazement at his antics". I think he is very young to be punished afterwards, but needs to be contained.

but I agree with Custy, you could just avoid torturing yourself by going to such things

KTNoo · 15/12/2009 11:48

Don't think I had much success with either reasoning or punishments when my ds was that age. As someone said, you just need to contain him. In the blowing candles situation, you would just have to be always ready to physically move him.

I would not be surprised by a 2 year old shoving their way to the front, but I would be annoyed if the parent didn't move the child away. In fact I would move them myself if necessary.

But like someone said, much easier to have a confident child, even if it's extremely tiring at times and you might have many more battles. Whenever I go to the soft play with my friend my dcs shoot off never to be seen again while hers stick to her side like glue and she spends the whole time trying to persuade them to take advantage of the hefty entrance fee she's just paid.

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