is this bullying/social problems in Y1

[longingforsleep]

Can anyone give me some advice on this?

DS1 is 5.5, nearly youngest in class and while he loves the academic side of things, I think he struggles in the playground and with friendships. He is, undeniably, young for his age, and is desperate to be a 'good boy', so much so that in class sometimes he gets cross with the other children for not listening to the teacher. Quite often he says things like 'all the other children were naughty, but I was being good'. He hates being told off, and gets very upset even at the prospect.

In reception he flitted from group to group and while there were times when he reported that some children had said he couldn't play with them at playtime, generally he was happy and never made a fuss about going in to school.

I sensed a genuine shift after the summer holidays when he started Y1. Some of the boys I classed as being quite friendly with him seemed to be ignoring him in the morning at lining up time (and their mothers ignoring me too - but I'm a big girl, I can cope with that!). There's one boy in particular, who's very popular but quite rough, and he seems to enjoy teasing DS, letting him join in one moment, and then being nasty the next. DS often seems to be at the receiving end of his jokes, and I think quite often other children follow him (the popular boy).

Again, DS is happy at home and gives very little away about his day. He is not nearly as articulate as this popular boy, and he's very suggestible, and I don't want to hound him with questions the minute he comes home.

I've mentioned my concerns to his teacher (who I'm not keen on, and who ironically thinks the popular boy is the best thing since sliced bread). She maintains that the incidents I've mentioned to her are simply 'boys being boys', and suggested I talk directly to this boy's mother if I think there's a problem (which I thought reading other posts on MN was a big no no).

DS has no close friends and I worry that as time goes on more and more of the boys are pairing off and that he'll be left on his own come Y2. But also he seems fairly disinterested by the idea of play dates (just wants to come home and flop), so I'm really not sure what to do.

Am I overreacting? Quite possible. My mum, who is generally very sensible thinks he will 'find his own way', and that I'm over analysing everything.

Sorry for long ramble. Don't think I've explained myself very well, but would be grateful for any feedback.

This book is brilliant :

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UT F8&s=books&qid=1260700646&sr=8-1 The unwritten Rules of Friendship

You do need to invite people home. I try to make sure I invite someone every other week when they are that age it really does help.

oops try again

www.amazon.co.uk/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=bo oks&qid=1260700646&sr=8-1

Thanks, Ghost. Do I insist on play dates even if he's not keen?

Yes, I would insist on it if he is not keen. I would be well prepared and make it lots of fun - favorite tea and maybe an activity if you think things may be awkward. I would also have a snack ready when they get in and one available if there is a lull in play. Don't worry if they don't actually eat tea properly that day

Tell him the plan and treats involved and help him socially if he needs it the first few times. The book I have mentioned gives you tips. Doing outside activities together also helps.

You may find the others all go to football together or cubs or somthing. It would be worth asking around and going as well. If they do not - find the local cubs and suggest the others join with him. It is hard because they are so tired at the end of the day. However, i find if they are socially relaxed at school they are less tired. It is well worth it in the long run.

thanks ghost. Did you have similar problems with your DC, and are things much better now?

So - just to clarify -

your son is being left out by his peers.

Some of the mums are ignoring you.

The teacher and your mum think you're overreacting.

And you're suggesting play dates?!

I agree with your mum. Boys don't tend to all pair off, ime- it's quite fluid and changeable at this age and it really is quite likely that he'll find his niche with people he likes over the next few years. He sounds like a sweetie- one of those children who's pretty happy in his own skin and can take or leave other kids to a certain extent, for now. I have a son who was like that at his age. Slightly in his own world and also very well behaved in school/eager to please adults/not get in trouble. I always worried about him being targetted by the more street smart but actually he had far more resiliance than I gAve him credit for. He has a v solid friendship group now, aged nearly 11.

Have some playdates at the weekends.

p.s. Can't believe the teacher recommended approaching the other mother! She is wrong- don't do it! Just casually check with ds that all is well between them. He may not see the rough play as being intended negatively (and it may not be), even if he doesn't enjoy it.

thanks skegness. You've made me feel better. I know I'm biased but he is a lovely boy! He would never knowingly be mean or horrible to another child (not in his nature), and think he finds it odd to witness others doing it. Maybe he's a bit of a goody two shoes, but surely there are worse things that that?

I have 2 DS's, 2.5 and 7, with my 7yo I found that they move from person to group, quite a fluid thing, not a 'we are not friends with you anymore' thing. In year 1 what you describe is quite common, they are no longer the babies of the school, having to grow up a bit. Boys seem to just get on with the business of friendship.

He is now and year 3 and they are really at ease with each other, if DH is fed up with someone he does not play with them for a bit and vice versa.

You should also encourage him to let the teachers sort stuff out in the classroom, DS1 was always told to mind his own business by his reception teacher as he was always into what everyone was up to.

I would just keep an eye on it and do have some playdates, the are a really good idea and don't be too quick to judge the other Mum's until you have spoken to them, some of the most stand offish one's are actually nice, some just find the playground hard to deal with.

Thanks, CC. THat's helpful. I must keep things in perspective and just let DS know that he can always tell me if something is wrong.

brandybutterfly - I was only trying to help - This is not AIBU

longingforsleep I did have similar problems for a short while, in my case having people home to play helped.

minty I didn't say YABU (and it was aimed at OP anyway) - I think OP is overreacting and my post was to show her how many people are not in agreement with her over her worries (her mum, teacher, other parents).

I think a playdate is the last thing she should do for a bit, IMO would be better to encourage DS to be a bit more sociable in school. He's got at least 10 years of education left, may as well make it as enjoyable as possible for him.

fair enough brandy.

Do you have a suggestion for helping him to be more sociable in school then ?

genuinely interested in a different approach.

I agree that playdates are certainly not obligatory! If he doesn't want to do them, don't do them. It won't harm him or affect his social skills in any way at all imo. He has many many hours of social time each week, at school. If and when he ASKS for someone to come back, that will be great because that's genuine friendship. Not worth it before then imho.

I think what you're describing sounds very typical for kids this age. Their social skills are awful emerging but there's a LONG way to go, and often they are not nice to eachother! Your ds doesn't sound too fed up with it so I agree, unless he is upset, he will as your mum says find his own way

I have found through my DS that boys are less likely to pair off anyway, they are pack animals!

My ds is now in year 3 and the group seems finally to be starting to pair off a little, my ds speaks of having a best friend; and also, for the first time they seem to be understanding that friends are sometimes NICE to eachother, rather than friends just beat/wind each other up!

So I'd say it's a long path yet and don't expect too much of these boys, it'll take them a good while to mature where friendship is concerned

And yes the teacher's advice to talk to the other mum was crap!

OK, I would:

try and make him understand that saying things like 'all the other children were naughty, but I was being good' is not going to make him popular - especially as it obviously isn't endearing him to his teacher

not let him flop after school - take him to the park and observe (from a distance) his social skills

OP, as you walk into school in the morning smile and say "good morning" to the other mums (maybe they think you're the unsociable one?)

and minty I also agree with your suggestion of trying other clubs.

I particularly agree with your park idea and the saying "good morning" to other mums. All my children are girls so it may be better to do it that way with boys.

Thank you all for your replies. I will chew them over.

For the record, I do smile and say "hello" to the other mothers, and DS is always fine in the park, and loves meeting up with people from school there.

I would try not to go too far down the route of "he is lovely" and all the other children are horrible. He is a small boy who lacks some social skills. The other children are also small boys who lack some social skills. It's normal, they're little.

If it was your son who didn't want to play with the child who kept telling him off in class and thought that "you are naughty and I am good", then I am sure you would be far more understanding of that viewpoint.

I find the trick for getting through the early years, is to think of all the children as little ones. Like when you're dealing with siblings and have to see everybody's point of view.

Not sure I think playdates are the right idea: depends on whether you can find the right child to come on them. If you can find a really easy-going child who actually wants to come and visit, that's fine. But tbh if your son keeps criticising the other children, then you can't force them to play with him. Or would you force him to play with a child who called him naughty?

I would do the book recommended with him and gently try to talk to him about social situations.

I agree with Minty.