Please or to access all these features

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Please advise on supporting dd cope with aggressive boys

28 replies

whifflegarden · 01/12/2009 23:23

Bear with me as I tend to ramble on these forums....I'm still so upset from earlier and have shed a few tears.

Also, I'm changing some minor details in case I get recognised in RL.

My DD, (yr1) participates in a sporting activity a few nights a week and loves it. I have noticed one particular boy being aggressive towards her. Today on 3 separate occassions he pretended to strike her with his (let's call it cricket bat). He caught her finger on one occassion. He also told her to shut up, out of earshot of coach and parents. Today I lost it a bit (VERY unlike me) and went up to him and sort of growled "what do you think you're doing?" He feigned innocence and I stood around for a bit.

Grateful of any advice.

Thing is, she is sensitive and very much a girls' girl - she is a kind kind soul. Unfortunately (as is the nature with a lot of intensive sport), her squad is mostly boys and on some days (like today) only boys. They tend to be uber competitive and this particular boy pushes her and such like (I also noticed today that the other boys sort of took lead of said aggressive boy and were a little mean to DD, although not particularly more so than children can be iykwim). It seems to be somehow more acceptable in sport for this aggression?

Anyway, DD was very upset and really didn't enjoy herself today. I was very upset too. She loves the sport and over my dead body will I allow the actions of a pathetic little bully to put her off something she enjoys.

The question is...what do I do about this? I've already had a word with the coach...but I just wish DD would tell him to shut up and get lost. It is so hurtful seeing one's precious DC being mistreated On the way back home I told her she's got to retaliate and she said "but mummy I don't want to be mean".

OP posts:
rasputin · 01/12/2009 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whifflegarden · 01/12/2009 23:44

She is sensitive but has natural athleticism?

It's not a team sport but they practice in a squad. On her own she's perfectly fine....just horrible when she has to hold her own when faced with those bloody boys, and it affects her game too. It almost makes me not like little boys . And it's no wonder girls don't like sport (major generalisation I know).

Thanks for the support. I will definitely step in, but I would love for her to be able to push back for example when they push in front of her in line (which to be fair they do to eachother). And for now I've told her not to speak to this particular boy, and if he tries to speak to her..to tell him to go away/he's annoying/he's boring (in a dismissive tone)

Hopefully he'll get the message

OP posts:
defineme · 01/12/2009 23:55

My little boy sounds very much like your dd and it was sad to see him lose a little of his innocence when he realised people could be mean to each other- he just doesn't get why they'd be like that.
I have role played stock responses- like you have with your dd.
We've also talked a lot about why they'd be like that-as in it's nothing to do with how we are and everything to do with how they feel insecure about stuff.
I also, with one little boy who was very very persistent in wittling away with snide comments and pushing him, directly intervened and just told him very very sternly that he would be in big trouble if I saw any of that rubbish again. He then when and cried to his mum who told me off (he's an angel apparently), but then he hasn't been near him since so that's a result as far as I'm concerned.

MadamDeathstare · 02/12/2009 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whifflegarden · 02/12/2009 00:21

Define, you've hit the nail on the head. DD can't begin to understand why someone would behave like that, let alone think about how to respond. The school run is our time to discuss these things and I'll keep at it with the role plays.

MadamD, the pushing is routine and they all do it to eachother . We are just not used to that sort of behaviour(either at home or at school which is a very disciplined environment), which I think is symptomatic of why so many girls drop out ofcompetitive sport. You're right, about her learning to defend herself, although at the moment I'm worried that she'll lose the joy/fun of taking part if she feels that it's too much hassle to argue with them.

When other girls are there it's lovely and they stick together.

Hasn't happened in my group but one often hears about parents ranting/being aggressive during tournaments.

Coach said he'll keep an eye out for dd. SO will I .

Thanks for your replies. I am feeling a lot better. The hormones that come with being 35 wks pregnant aren't helping with rationally working these things through...and at the moment every issue seems bigger than it probably is.

OP posts:
nailonthehead · 02/12/2009 00:56

You do sound oversensitive.You really don't seem to like boys much.

"All the boys just followed the mean boy.

You growled at the mean boy. (This isn't on really - if this is in a school environment the teacher should deal with it )

When all the girls are there it's lovely."

If there is bullying then insist the coach takes immediate action.You say the boy is a pathetic little bully; then surely the coach/you just keeping an eye on things isn't the appropriate response.

My dd thrives on being competitive at sport and can hold her own against any boy of her age and so she should.She finds boys fun.

It really isn't to do with being mean just dealing with normal everyday life at school.

Boys are different but not horrible and you need to educate your dd.Perhaps arrange some play dates with boys?

linglette · 02/12/2009 09:02

What did the coach say?

Why did you tell her to retaliate? Do you really want her to push back? Maybe I have misunderstood you......I'm wondering whether it might be better for her to try just not to flinch and keep her eyes on the coach and if someone makes contact scream "ow!" or "don't push!" (as appropriate)very, very loudly.

It is a pity though - you can see how girls have to start developing alternative strategies......

MadamDeathstare · 02/12/2009 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whifflegarden · 02/12/2009 16:03

Aaahhhh. Nailonthehead. I don't mind boys. Just that I have a child who I guess is very sensitive, overly polite and just doesn't know how to stand up for herself when push comes to shove. Sporting activity is not at school atually, where she is thriving and takes on lots of responsibility. I admit that I do find it hard parenting a "gentle soul" because the world out there isn't always kind and orderly. If anything though,I probably err on the side of being quite hard with her, to get her to toughen up (friends often say I would be good at bringing up boys . She has improved over the years.....

I have noticed this aggressive behaviour over a period of time and rather than speak to coach or take direct action...have focussed my efforts on encouraging dd to stand up for herself and giving her strategies to deal with the situation. My thinking was that encouraging her to deal with it herself and not going in myself would make her a stronger person in the long run. Yesterday's shenanigans pushed me over the edge

Linglette/Madam, what you're saying makes sense 100%. I don't want her to become aggressive, I do want her to be assertive. Sad as it might be, the loud OUCH might work well. And I will continue to reinforce the message that she shoould focus on what she would like to do/achieve and ignore all distractions.....boisterous boys included.

Didn't get chance to chat much with coach as he was rushing off to another session but I'll make sure I do so next week. From the brief convo we had, he was receptive though and promised to look out for dd. I will also keep an eye out.

I've calmed down a lot today. Thanks again for your advice.

OP posts:
reservejudgement · 02/12/2009 16:04

I do think some coaches can be part of the problem. They act as if rough behaviour is just normal and to be expected of boys. I have found this with Gaelic football in Ireland which is why my son plays soccer!

Please don't tar all boys with the same brush. None of my boys are the slightest bit aggressive.

whifflegarden · 02/12/2009 18:49

reservejudgement, I boys are fab too...I better, as I'm having one in a few weeks. I was just and yesterday.

I've had some good advice on here, and will watch closely to see how things develop over the next few weeks. Coach is very good with little ones so we should be able to put a stop to this. I probably left it too long, trying to give DD a chance to sort it out herself but just seems to have made matters worse.

Good luck with the football! I hear from other mums about the joys of standing on a muddy wet pitch on a sunday.

OP posts:
Feelingforty · 03/12/2009 13:32

haven't read all of the replies, but I wouldjust say support your daughter BUT keep a close eye on the boy.

It IS important she stands up for herself, but f course it needs to be on an even footing. If he's taking crafty swipes, sounds like this isn't the case. Are his parents there ? I'd be inclined to eyeball him if he got within striking distance of my DD.

mistlethrush · 03/12/2009 13:55

I've had a similar sort of problem with my (not at all shy and retiring) boy (reception) and another in his class who always seems to want to 'fight'. Rather than fighting back and giving as good as he got (which he would be quite capable of) I've been trying to encourage him to stand back, hand up in a 'stop' in front of him and say, loudly 'No, x, I don't want to fight'. Your girl could similarly say things like 'that's a dangerous thing to do with your 'cricket bat'' 'please don't push me, I was standing in the line first''that's not a nice thing to say''good x players don't do it like that' etc. If you can coach her on a) what to say and b) how to say it (loudly, confidently) it would probably make it easier for her to come out with it and for the coach to pick up on when there is a problem and deal with it - as well as disuading the bully.

whifflegarden · 03/12/2009 19:22

Oookay. I just got back from tennis (no point in changing facts....I don't reaally care if I'm recognised in RL, can always namechange if I need anonimity...can you tell I'm a little new to this?)

So this morning DD tells me that as well as having waved racket in her face, caught her finger and told her to shut up, pushed infront of her etc; this boy also told her that he would smash her head in with his tennis racket. I was so deeply shocked and disgusted. That is pure thuggery

A bit of pushing about is one thing, but no child (no one) should ever feel threatened. I feel in some ways like I've let DD down, and think she hadn't told me this bit because I never get directly involved and generally make her sort out issues herself. Maybe she felt that this was one of those things she had to deal with herself

We did have tennis today and I did have an opportunity to speak with her tennis coach, who I must say was very good about things. The long and short of it is, he'll speak to the boys parents next week, keep a keen eye on things and make it very clear to all the children how he expects them to behave.

Forty, thank you too for your support, I don't feel like the crazy mum with her precious DD. Mistlethrush (nice name ) those are some very wise words there. I will actually practice that with her.

It's such a relief that this looks as if it will be resolved properly.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 03/12/2009 19:30

What's wrong with the name mistlethrush? Seriously? It's a bird.

whifflegarden · 03/12/2009 20:03

Oh nooo! Hanging my head in shame, I thought it was an alternative take on mistletoe, again

Is it possible to edit posts? I've only been on MN for 2/3 months and rarely posted before

OP posts:
Georgimama · 03/12/2009 20:05

Oh, maybe it is but it is also a bird. I really wouldn't worry. No it isn't possible to edit posts - part of the fun!

CarGirl · 03/12/2009 20:12

mistlethrush sounds like some alternative sexually transmitted disease

mistlethrush · 04/12/2009 13:44

Thanks cargirl!!! Have been on MN for a good many years now with no one pointing that one out!

CirrhosisByTheSea · 04/12/2009 14:23

Sounds like a failing on the part of the coach pure and simple. DS has had tennis lessons in groups and behaviour like this would be a)noticed and b)stopped. I think all you can do is carry on as you have started and keep on at the coach. It is good to teach your child assertiveness techniques for sure but basically the responsibility is on the supervising adults to nip this in the bud.

whifflegarden · 08/12/2009 17:50

OK, Just got back from tennis. I'm in tears today
Going to go put dinner on and come back to rant
Said boy actually HIT DD on the head with his racquet today.

OP posts:
whifflegarden · 08/12/2009 19:56

Bloody hormones made me teary earlier. Very embarrassing

So we get to tennis today, DD is in a great mood from school. I don't say much, just tell her to enjoy herself and if she needs me i'll be right there and so will her coach.

Coach gets all of them to sit down at the start and has a talk about not behaving themselves in line etc. Coach has another talk during the lesson about behaving in the line.

They then start lining up behind eachother to hit balls which coach is hitting to them. I notice that the boy is trying to hit at her legs with his racquet from behind her. Coach makes sure they are apart in the line. But obviously there will always be a time when they're next to eachother as it's a small group. At one point, this boy is standing behind DD, and he takes his racquet and hits her on the head with it. Not hard, but bloody hell, don't fucking touch my child. SO I shout across the courts, LEAVE xxxxx alone. JUST leave her alone. And I go over and I tell DD to go and tell the coach. Boy is sort of sniggering...and says "how can she tell her" . He thinks coach can't be interrupted during the lesson. I tell DD, go now.

(sorry this is long)

DD tells coach. Coach is dealing basically single handedly with 6 children so waits until the end of the lesson and tells the boy to apologise to DD. Boy refuses to apologise if he was my child, that would be his death wish there and then.

(meanwhile, coach hasn't seen his parents to have a word with them yet. And his parents weren't there todday until right at the end).

All this time, DD to her credit hasn't gotten flustered and is just focussing on her game. I was so proud of her today, I tell you. She just got on with it and played her tennis.

Anyway, the boys dad comes to pick him up and as we're leaving the boy tells me to shut up. Hello??? . He says it several times. So I walk ahead to his dad (who I don't know at all as it's usually his mum who brings him in) and say to him, excuse me have you heard your son telling me to shut up?

He asks boy, did you say shut up to the lady. Boy denies it. I say, you said it several times. THIS kid has no fear . So he admits it. His dad tells him to apologise and he refuses point blank .

Unbefuckinglievable.

Eventually his dad gets him to apologise but he's rolling his eyes and making faces as he does so . To use a much underrated term, he would have been deadmeat if he was my child. I was mortified for his dad. Who looked very embarrassed (sp?)..

Anyway, dad came over to my car and I told him about all that has been going on. He apologised profusely and was very good about everything. He explained that this boy's older brother is aggressive with him and he is perhaps taking it out on someone else that he can

He said that they'll talk to him and sort it out. Although the way the boy refused to apologise and showed no respect or his dad, my expectations on that front aren't high.

So I said to the dad, all I want is for his son to ignore my DD. Just leave her alone, just stay away from her. That's it. What he does beyond that, I don't care about.

Spoke with coach, who will take it up on Monday with the parents and get back to me. Coach suggested changing the boys group. I said that won't solve the problem for the boy, as he clearly has ishhooz. But that I don't care, as long as my daughter can enjoy her tennis without fear of intimidation or physical aggression.

I also told DD that if he approaches her again she should tell him that her dad will come and get him. And I have told DH he has to make time from work to take her to tennis and let this kid see who DD's dad is, in case he doesn't cease and desist. DH is a big, muscley man who on many occassions has told off teens for dropping litter etc and they listen when he speaks. I hate to resort to this but I just won't have anyone lay a hand on my child and feel helpless.

THE QUESTION IS? Should I put all this in writing to the coach, maybe cc. the club head of tennis so that it's documented? WHat would you do?

Give yourself a pat on the back if you made it this far.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 08/12/2009 20:13

Whiffle. I'm sorry its got to this. Good on your dd for not getting flustered. If they've offered to have the boy moved group I would take them up on that. Yes, its not 'dealing' with his issues, but at least your dd will not be in the firing line. If they are sensible they will pick the group carefully and make sure that he can't pick on anyone in it.

I don't think that it would hurt to put something in writing to the club. However, I don't think that you should write it this evening. It needs to be calm and rational (!!!). In it, I think it would be helpful to confirm that you would like that boy removed from your daughter's group and that the club need to keep a close eye on his general behaviour.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 15/12/2009 06:31

Hi, just catching up.

I don't like labelling children, but the boy concerned is showing bullying behaviour, and needs to be helped to stop, for the sake of other children (and himself). You raising it is a GOOD THING for all concerned. I hope the boy gets some help to change. I would do as mistlethrush advises.

Now to you DD. The bullying is his problem, but unfortunately he has made it your DDs. Your DD is not the problem herself.

I have boys (most boys are lovely !!!), and at the moment am helping my DS1 with a boy in his class who teases/bullies. I know how angry you are feeling. It has made me feel sick over the last week or so, but I am taking action, which helps!

Unfortunately, your DD may encounter bullies in the future (and more subtle ones than him - girls bullies, IME, can be much more subtly dominating - excluding and whispering about their "friends"). So, the best thing you can do is to help her "bully-proof" herself. You do this by listening to her, helping her to maintain a good sense of herself and self-esteem. And there is a good book called

"Bullies, Bigmouths and So-called friends", which I'd recommend.

Good luck

Jamieandhismagictorch · 15/12/2009 06:47

Here's a link to that book :

www.amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bigmouths-So-called-Friends-Alexander/dp/0340911840/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_to p