I saw a girl kick my daughter!

[Positron]

I was at a soft play area a few weeks ago, with my daughter who will be 3 in december.

She was at the higher level of one of these soft toy play areas, and from where i was standing, I could see she was interacting with a girl who was about aged 6. At first it all looked playful, but then the older girl kicked her in the stomach.

There was not alot I could do standing much further below, but I did make gestures to the girl not to do it again. I then had a polite word with the girl's mother who hadn't spotted what had gone on - she acknowledged me, but didnt really apologise, but I did see her give out to her daughter afterwards.

Another time, again in another soft play area, my daughter kept coming up to me from time to time because some boy (a bit older than her) was hitting her (maybe playing rough), but on this occasion, I hadn't seen what had gone on, and so didn't want to approach the parents because I hadn't seen it for myself.

What would you have done in these situations? Or what similar experiences have you had? Is it right to discipline someone else's child, and what if the parents get defensive/aggressive?

This always happens to my kids. If reason doesn't work, I am then really nasty and loom right up to the offending child and make a very determined, mean looking face that is not what they would expect from someone else's mum. They leave my kids alone after that.

I did playground duty for so many years I know how feral it can get out there.

tottwriter you do sound horribly judgey.

I expect you are one of those mums who follows there PFB round at toddler group saying to any child playing with something that has caught your little darlings eye "you really must share" before announcing loudly "it is little Tarquins turn now" before snatching it away in the interests of "fairness".

Most children are more than capable of resolving sharing/pushing issues in their own way without mummy stepping in to save the day.

Of course in the OP's example she should have intervened - the other child was considerably older and whilst I would always tell off my children if I saw them doing something mean I do not micromanage their play time - they do actually need to learn how to deal with the small stuff themseleves and I would never tell someone elses 1/2/3 year old off unless they were doing something dangerous or being particularly vicious (which most children of that age don't).

Most children are more than capable of resolving sharing/pushing issues in their own way without mummy stepping in to save the day.

I'm not sure I agree with that tinkerbelle, although it is probably worth not hovering too much and just seeing what happens before you intervene.

Hmmm - I have read this post and it seems some people have very little understanding how difficult it is to have a boisterous child. I am ALWAYS near my son who can be boisterous and rough with other kids. I always give the toy back if he has snatched a toy, and he always has to leave if he hurts another child. I never sit and chat with other mums unless my son is within my sight and grabbing distant! This is not fun - really it's so tough. I often feel on my own and I feel as if people don't like me or my son. So, please think how the parents feel.

(By the way, my son is so much than he was 3 months ago. Most children do grow out of it with firm boundaries - it's just a horrible phase. My daughter did not go through this and was often the victim, and although I hated that, I know it's so much harder being a parent of child that it is boisterous.)

i also do the horrible face, boffinista, with added stage whispered threats. this is only to children who have, for example, attempted to throttle my child in the softplay (he had the marks to prove it and apparently this older boy was doing the same to all the younger ones). otoh, I remember some stupid mother going mad at me when ds1 was not even 2 for 'pushing' her child - basically they were both trying to get on the same toy at the same time. her child as much at fault as mine. you'd have thought he was the anti-christ the looks she gave him and me. soft play is indeed hell

I think the difference is obvious between a bit of a scuffle over a toy (even if it includes some light biting and so on) and a bigger kid beating the hell out of your offspring to see if anyone will stop them, or because they have absolutely no idea how to play in a group.

When kids do the latter, that's when they get my evil look, the look that says "My apparently posh looks belie the fact I am mildly deranged, but do come and have a go if you think you are hard enough".

I've only been to soft play once and was so appalled by the lack of discipline I'll NEVER go again.

I wouldn't hesitate to defend my child if he was physically attacked and would certainly tell them off, parent there or not. Threatening and physical behaviour of any kind is completely out of order and there's no way I would just stand by and let it happen without saying something.

It's law of the jungle though, innit? My rascal got bashed in the face by a big boy at soft play last month and I told him off AND told his Mum - felt like a right twat almost straight afterwards as I am sure I dived in all uber-protective at her first skirmish.

The Mum was v nice about it and made him say sorry, but I don't think I dealt with it very well. In future I'm going to attempt to let them sort it out themselves as long as nobody's getting hurt.

Well, there's law of the jungle and there's predator-prey relationships ...

Yersss...although I am under no illusions about the forcefulness of my own little monkey -

Positron,you write like a journalist. I thought so from your first post, but your later posts have convinced me.

As I said, predator-prey relationships ...

Clare - nope - I do understand. DS2 went through a stage of biting/pushing anything in range .....

Re: journalists. I do hope that my very erudite contributions will be properly referenced and possibly renumerated

Have no fear everyone - I am not a journalist! lol! (don't know whether to take that as a complement or not.....lol again).

I work in the NHS actually......I just want to get a balanced view from all who kindly give up their time to contribute to the discussion.

I think there is no right or wrong way here...we and our offspring are of differing personalities, (life's rich tapestry) and we must also be guided by circumstance and the context of the situation....

When my kids were little I preferred to take them to small places where you could keep an eye on them, and/or just go during school hours when bigger kids weren't there...

We do the 'oh, you'd like to play with the now. Well would you like to give something else to swap with it?' Normally they play for fifteen seconds with the swiped toy and then go after the one your child didn't want but has been presented with and are happy to relinquish the toy they were fighting over half a minute ago.

But soft play, for the under fours IMHO should only be done in school hours during term time. Unless you are seriously barmy!

would it not be easiest not to go at all? soft play throws up a host of unpleasant issues which they honestly would NOT have to deal with elsewhere at this age so why bother with it???

I always find that the aggressive children are the ones whose parents are ignoring them. Either mums in a gaggle gossiping or dads on their laptops and the children are desperate for some attention.

As I like to get in and play with my ds I find this attracts other children who will try to hijack my attention and I end up feeling like a bloody babysitter as my poor boy sits there looking perplexed as one minute we were having fun and the next I have some random child climbing over me or trying to push him out the way.

And re telling off other peoples children - I am shocked by the amount of children who just ignore me. I hate to sound like a grandmother but "when I were a wee lass" I wouldn't dream of defying an adult whoever they were I did as I was told. I certainly didn't answer back, ignore or worse.

"I always find that the agressive children are the ones whose parents are ignoring them"

I agree that most children don't play up if their parent is right in front of them but like you I do get sick of feeling like i have to entertain every child when I climb in the soft play with my DC's - drives me mental! And I'm certainly not going to get judgey about mums using soft play as an opportunity to take a break and have a catch up with friends. We all need that.

Claire123 I sympathise with you - boistrous children are hard work and I think you are right some people are appallingly judgey. FWIW my DS1 was terribly boistrous between 2-3 and I would frequently have to put up with derogatory comments on my parenting and his "attitude" it used to break my heart. He is now the most adorable 3.8 year old and I am frequently commended on his behaviour (although I do have to put up with a lot of "hasn't he turned a corner" type comments!)

As much as the negativity surrounding soft play has pervaded these posts, I chanced it again today for my sins.

I have to say, my DD always has a whale of a time there, and I (and my 4 month old DS)get a buzz out of watching her. Therefore, who am I to deny her, especially when she had been good all day and was so looking forward to it.

A little tricky at one point, 'coz my DD wanted to go in one of those little stationary rides that you have to pay an extortionate amount for. Thing is, this other girl kept coming up and tried to get in with my DD - I would have had little problem with it if there was enough room, but there simply wasn't, and besides, her parents were not paying for the ride - I was! So I did have to gently get her to climb off and to find her mummy about using the ride. But she just kept on pestering us to no end! Thankfully, the ride didn't last too long.

Overall though, my DD had a great time and I wouldn't give soft play the bashing it has had from folk. As I said before, boisterous encounters can happen anyhere - soft play or not, and I don't want to wrap up DD in too much cotton wool by trying to avoid it, if she genuinely likes going there. Besides, can't take her to the playground if it is raining mad, like it did today!

Some toddlers understand sharing quicker or more fully than others. If my ds snatches I tend to tell him no snatching and make a bit of a fuss of the snatchee, which is hopefully more appealing than the car or flag or whatever.

I would not be very happy with these 'looming, horrible face' mums if it was for the kind of 'low level' incident that their own child would be just as likely to pull a few minutes later. Obviously violence or malice excluded. Surprising how often the quick to intervene mums are unable to recognise the same behaviour in their own darling children.

BTW the 2 most aggressive tots I know have the most attentive mothers. One fully aware that her ds is a bit of a difficulty and the other totally oblivious to the behaviour of her dd. Everyone is different.

"I don't want to wrap up DD in too much cotton wool "

you summed it up perfectly. Let them go out there and have fun and learn the harder way occasionally.

I personally stay close to help out of uneasy situations if necessary.
But if a child is purposefully violent, yes i would tell off.

Thanks KittyTN.

Slim22 - agreed.