I saw a girl kick my daughter!

[Positron]

I was at a soft play area a few weeks ago, with my daughter who will be 3 in december.

She was at the higher level of one of these soft toy play areas, and from where i was standing, I could see she was interacting with a girl who was about aged 6. At first it all looked playful, but then the older girl kicked her in the stomach.

There was not alot I could do standing much further below, but I did make gestures to the girl not to do it again. I then had a polite word with the girl's mother who hadn't spotted what had gone on - she acknowledged me, but didnt really apologise, but I did see her give out to her daughter afterwards.

Another time, again in another soft play area, my daughter kept coming up to me from time to time because some boy (a bit older than her) was hitting her (maybe playing rough), but on this occasion, I hadn't seen what had gone on, and so didn't want to approach the parents because I hadn't seen it for myself.

What would you have done in these situations? Or what similar experiences have you had? Is it right to discipline someone else's child, and what if the parents get defensive/aggressive?

sorry if i'm being a bit sensitive - lack of sleep nursing my DS through the night, but I did feel judged nonetheless.

Most of you have replied by talking about your loathe for soft play,and I feel the conversation has gone off a tangent- but my major point was about how you approach a child/parent when their child is attacking your own child - (if you should approach them at all?) It could happen anywhere - soft play, or not (park, shops, etc) ......any kind suggestions please?

Thanks Nightshoe - hadn't seen your message when I posted my last one.

I suppose some of us are not as assertive, though I do try....

Positron - I don't think you could have handled it any other way. And agree with others that softplay can be a jungle where 'survival of the fittest' (and biggest) often rules. There is accidental 'rough and tumble' from excited children, and unfortunately there is also intentional aggression - which your dd experienced.

I took dd, her friend and a younger sibling to soft play this summer. DD was running around excitedly from place to place and accidentally bumped into/knocked over a much younger child (dd is 8). She stopped to see if the child was OK, helped the child up and apologised - only to be treated to a torrent of over-the-top abuse by the child's mother (called dd a 'horrible child' etc). DD came to me in floods of tears, and kept saying 'mum, it was an accident'.

I think you have to expect that some 'accidents' can/will happen when children are running about, but the intentional mean stuff is awful.

Sorry to hear of your experience, Earlybird...seems like that mother was not good at accepting your child's apology, or just used it as an excuse to be nasty. At least your DD tried to do the right thing...all credit to you for raising her well!

I do accept that these play areas can be rough and tumble. It's when things get more intentional and ugly - as I said, it could happen anywhere, and for me, it's about how to deal with it as sensitively as possible.

I think Earlybird's post shows why its so much better for soft play staff to resolve conflicts between children of different families rather than mothers.

If the child is truely horrid and the soft play staff agree then the the punishment and humilation to the family of being asked to leave a soft playcentre is fairer than a torrent of abuse. Staff are neutral and in a far better position to see whether an incident is an accident or unacceptable behavior.

For example if a tot goes into the the over 8s area and gets knocked over then its different to an over eight knocking over a tot in the under fives area.

I absolutely agree, Reallytired.

Can I steer the conversation away from soft play for a moment? (please forgive me).

What would you do if you saw a child (who is with their parent/guardian) attacking your own child, in say a place like the park - where there are no neutral staff on standby?

its happened to us in the park before. with my 7 year old. i went up to the other child,made eye contact and said 'i just saw you push him down. is that acceptable?'....i would always put the onus on the other kid to justify his/hers behaviour.

If a child kicked mine in the stomach right in front of me I would tell them that I'd seen them, and I'd take my child away, and tell the staff and point out the child. I don't think there's anything wrong with that whatsoever. You do it assertively, as an adult to a child. It would be more wrong to meekly and quietly say nothing, or just go and find the parents, IMO. A child needs an adult to firmly but politely guide them, when they are acting violently.

In a park, I would still tell the child and I would look out for their parent as well.

Some parents may not respond well, however that doesn't mean you're doing the wrong thing, it just means they are crap defensive!

The problem with expecting soft play staff to intervene is:
they are often teenagers (with exception of management)
softplay don't seem to have much staff - not sure if costcutting - other than at the entrance, cafe, etc. So, by the time you've tracked down a staff member, the 'culprit' is long gone (unless it is a fairly small place).

To your other point Positron - when dd was about 3, we were at the park. It was getting late and there weren't many children in the playground. DD walked up to the swings, and stood looking at a boy who was maybe 6. I watched to see if they would start to play together, might chat a bit, etc. With no warning, the boy shoved the swing forward and knocked dd to the ground. Of course, she immediately started shrieking. I was torn between wanting to comfort her, and wanting to 'flatten' the little boy!

I picked dd up, and walked to various adults sitting on benches and finally located the person responsible for the boy (engaged in conversation, and hadn't seen the boy's actions ). I told her what happened, and she responded immediately by shouting at the boy and yanking/tugging his ear lobe several times very hard. So, the incident was 'dealt with', but I felt very uneasy with the outcome.

And fwiw, dd was wary of other children in the playground for quite awhile after that.

I'd rather pour hot fat onto my eye balls then go to one of those godforsaken places .... luckily my kids are too old for them

I take it nobody likes soft play then!

Such a contoversial subject, isn't it? I still don't know that I've found the optimal solution - very much depends on circumstance, keeping your cool and holding your nerve!

I took ds 3 years and also his friend (also 3 ) to a soft play centre - there was a party at the centre at the time with THE wildest bunch of 6-7 year olds - kciking, punching - one of them was so scared he was cowering in a corner - one girl was kicked hard in the face. Parents did ZERO - me and friend climbed in to ensure our little ones were OK - my ds was punched in the stomach and my friend was kicked! She went bonkers. Parents still did nothing and management had to get in involved - ie stop the party - the parents then got angry. We left - couldn't tackle 30 odd uninterested parents.

Kids do stuff though - I've seen my one push over a little one by accident - he jnows to be careful but when overexcited it can sometimes happen.

I think it is absolutely OK to approach other peoples children, but with the proviso that you are maybe a bit gentler than you might be with your own.

If you are sure in your own mind that a child was being deliberately aggressive, then tell them off. If it's more a sense of an older child hooning around being thoughtless, then say "Can you watch out for the little ones please".

Likewise, I'd want someone else to correct my child in the same situation.

I also strongly feel that it is this idea that you can't tell other peoples children off, that contributes to some of them (who perhaps don't have strong boundaries at home) feeling pretty powerful when they get older....

I do ask teenagers to pick up litter, or to tone down their language. Mostly it's OK, and they were just being thoughtless. I have two boys of my own so I'm fairly confident about how to speack to them without showing them up too much. I have also intervened in a fight. The only time I've had trouble (a mouthful of abuse) was with teenage girls.

i began hating soft play (i do not use that word lightly) when most other local mums still loved it and were effectively blinding ts to its (many) shortcomings. lack of hygiene & temperature control, migraine inducing colours and deep-fat-fried meal options which take an hour to arrive - surely these places were designed for bad childminders (charge the extortionate entry price plus a dozen cappucinos to the parents and stay until closing time working your way through your stack of mags while the little tearways terrorise all the toddlers of the community).

Best day of all is saturday - you get the working parents flashing their cash and forking out for McParties whilst eyeing up each others spouses and their rides.

Recently it was chucking down with rain and i had run out of inspiration for the day. i though to myself 'shall i?' then promptly checked myself 'nah...no way - i would have to be insane not just weary'. ds never really went for it in a big way - he would mainly go at aged 2 because of the bribery stash of snacks spilling out of my rucksack. even that was shhhh beacuse you are only allowed to eat their delicious, healthy McSnacks

Soft play is a day trip I reserve for only my strongest moments as I spend the whole time on edge and stuck in the area designed for tots as the big kids can be mean and rough. They seem to love the anonimity of pinching and pushing hidden in the corners.

And.... I know this is controversial and also a wild generalisation..... The worst kids seem to be the most well dressed/ well spoken whose nannies are on their mobiles totally disinterested in child, safety or dispute!

I take DS(2) a lot and I rarely take my eyes off him cos the other kids are so mean. Seen so many incidents. The other week I caught a 3/4 year old hitting him and dragging him off a fire engine, by the time i got there he had bitten him!! i asked him not to do that, quite calmly and then asked him where his mother was... he didnt understand, wasn't English. I told the staff and when we turned round the kid was doing it to someone else and the mother was telling him off.
went to a different one last week with my mum and she told off 2 kids, she is a schoolteacher, so knows how to do it!!

I think you can tell them off

Ha, serves me right for posting that last message.. just come back from soft play and my DS(!) just hit a little girl.
Horrified.
I was stood right there, but he was in a house, so I didn't exactly see it and he hit this girl when she tried to come in. the girl's dad, said no no. I asked what he did...he said he hit her a couple of times, he was angry, as you would be.
Well I scooped him up, told him off, made him apologise, explained that you do not do that, and said we had to go home.
I was also fighting back tears. I do not know where this has come from.
I went back to the daddy and apologised again, he was lovely.

If I hadn't have been there, I would have had no problem with someone else telling him off.

I posted up a little while ago about this.

A boy of about 4/5/6 picked up my 2 year old, walked with him (I got up and walked over to check was nicely intentioned) and as I was nearly there, the lad literally just threw my ds on the floor. At which point, my ds started crying, out of shock more than anything (it was a soft floor thankfully).

I said to him sternly "why did you do that, you've hurt him?" and I then went and found his mother and explained what had happened. I was fuming. I said it was probably the boy getting carried away with the excitement, but that I wanted her to know.

The mum was great - she made her son apologise to both my ds and me, took him out of soft play, telling him to sit on the outside and wouldn't let him in again. She came over to me again 10 mins later and asked how my son was.

When I got back home, I was thinking, god was I being a bit pfb? Should I have told his mother? But if it was me, I would want to know. I'd rather that tbh.

Horrible though. It's put me off going, but my ds does love it there, the physical freedom.

Softplay truly is the work of the devil but the little blighters still keep going back in for more!

Not at soft play this, but a weekly group for mums and toddlers. They're all the same age, and most of us know each other well as the group hasn't long started. It's a very interactive group, the idea being that the children play, and the parents sit around the edge for a bit, but often interact with the children as well. It's was lovely, because being there at the start means we all got to know each other and each others children.

However, I missed a week while visiting the in-laws, and when I came back there were four 'new' mums there, all content to chat and text the entire session. One of them has a little boy who I would describe as...determined? He seems to perpetually have a grim expression on his face, and runs around saying 'no!' to the other children a lot. In that first week I saw him snatching toy cars off of my son and some of the other children, including the inevitable under-one that joined the group. (He's quite adorable actually.) As he took them and placed them on a table, he snapped 'no!' at each child playing with them, and was really quite rough. Meanwhile, mother dearest sits, blissfully ignorant of her son's bullying as she gossips with the other newcomers. As they're all under two, I obviously couldn't tell the boy off in the strictest sense, as he probably wouldn't understand, and nor did i fancy getting into a feud with someone I'm likely to see every week. So I just intervened with a general 'Oh, no, that little boy was laying with this toy.Why not play with that one there?'

This week, a little girl dared to try and play with a car he has commandeered. He shouted 'No!' and made a shockingly hostile face, and she more or less shrugged and went to play elsewhere, with one of those long tunnels which was rolling around. He chased after her and tried to take that away, but he picked the wrong girl - she has a twin brother who she's more than used to competing with. Her father was close at hand, so I didn't intervene that time as neither child was mine, but I did note that she hadn't observed any of her son's loud and brash behaviour as her mobile phone was the focus of her attention.

I feel horribly judgemental for saying that, but they do seem to view it as an excuse not to have to notice their children for two hours. I was also amused to see that they leave before the one deliberately interactive part of the session - singing nursery rhymes before we go home.

Also....how does one politely ask another child not to snatch toys of our own children......all I seem to do is encourage my daughter not to be so possessive and to share.....(even though some child has come along and snatched a toy out oher hand)....but I would like my daughter to stand up for herself...(maybe thats the answer......)

Positron depends on the age of the child, but I'd say "X is playing with that - you can play with this (offer something else)/ you can play with it later". If the other child has succeeded in getting the toy I'd ask them to give it back - if you say it calmly but firmly with a smile and determination, many times the child will comply. If they don't, in a mother-and-toddler group situation I wouldn't push it too much, but distract your own child. Be pleasant - we are talking about little kids who are just learning social skills. You are right, though - your child needs you to stand up for her so that she can begin to learn to stand up for herself. Some children aare naturally assertive, but many are not.

I work with 2 and 3 year olds in a playgroup, and in this situation I would not allow a child to keep hold of a toy he or she had snatched.

Finally, to answer your last question, don't confuse sharing and taking turns. It is not being possessive of your child to want to keep hold of a toy she is playing with. Yes, you don't want her to hog a toy, but she is entitled not to have someone snatched from her.

last line should read : "she is entitled not to have something snatched from her" ......

Another tip :

A trick I use to get a child to give something back is to say : "I'm going to count to three and I want you to give it back ... ONE, TWO, THREE " (hold your hand out with big smile).

This often works with 3, and even 2 year olds.