Urgent help please - son's choice of reading material - what would you do?

[lisalisa]

My ds is 10. He went to the library today with my au pair and I have just seen teh books lying on the cofee table in the lounge.

He has come back with 3 pretty graphic and descritpive upsetting books on the holocaust. When I say graphic I mean that there are descriptions of gassings, of the procedures before and after and in depth accounts of what went on and the antisemitims and burnings alive etc.

2 of the books seems a bit less graphic but overall they are not books I would want a 10 year old to read.

AS some background - we are orthodox jewish and ds has seen a film in the summer - Boy in teh Striped PJs which sparked his interest. He knows scant details about the holocaust - we lost relatives to it and he knows that the Germans hated the Jews and killed millions of them. He does not however know the details and the extent of what went on and the years of persectuion and what actually happened.

He has asked me questions since the summer whihc I have done my best to answer honestly but whilst sparing him the details .

Obviously I have not satsifed his curiosity as he has got books out of hte libraray on it.

ASide from my au pair's appalling lack of judgement ( she is a mother herself so I would expect her to be able to cast her eye over ds' choices to make sure she thought them appropriate and at least call me if she thought they weren't ) I am unsure what to do.

If i tell him I don't want him to read the books this wil only make him more curious and he may try to do this again or get hold of material in secret.

On the oter hand he is a deeply sensitive and intelligent boy and I just know this is far too much too young for him to handle nad the images and pain and stories in those books choked me up never mind a 10 yr old.

What would you do please? I need to know by tomorow morning when ds wakes up as he will probalby reach for the books ( he goes through books like water and always reads before and after school).

I appreciate your concern, but I never censor my dc's reading as I think they can decide for themselves if they can handle it or not. Maybe you need to have some proper conversations with him about it (and again I appreciate this would be painful for you).

lisa he must know what is in the books, he will have flipped through them to choose. can you try to find him something not so full-on but not 'sanitised' either? i read some very upsetting stuff at about 11 and i just didn't understand the most dreadful aspects.

do you think maybe he is seeing your reluctance to go into detail as painful for you rather than sparing him?

sorry, when i say i didn't understand, i meant that it didn't upset me in the way it would now. it was terrible to know that people could do these things, but i didn't have the emotional connection that i have later developed.

Personally I'd let him keep the two that are less 'graphic' and possibly say that you think the third one might be a bit old for him and therefore perhaps best to leave it. Then I'd get him The Boy In The Striped PJs and The Book Thief next time. And, sorry but I think you're being a bit mean about the au pair.

Sounds like the sort of stuff I read at that sort of age. It disturbed me - but not as much as it would do now as I developed a full understanding of the meaning of loss.

I would let him read them - but perhaps give him a 'health warning' about them so he is fully cognisant of the contents.

Janeite's right - keep the least bad books (or at least one of them), hide the others. And tell him he can read them when he's 16 and old enough to leave school/get married. He's obviously curious, and it's driven by his heritage and that's admirable really. But equally, he'll have to accept that 10 year olds don't have access to all books.

tbh, I think I would let him read at least the 2 less graphic ones, and be around to discuss them with him. If he really wants to read the third, perhaps you could read it with him, reading pages aloud to each other.

He may start reading and decide to self censor, and if he chooses to continue reading you can be there for him.

I couldn't even cope with the Boy in the Striped Pyjamas myself - found it so upsetting but it's a kids book and a set text at school. I find things much more upsetting now than I did as a child.

I wouldn't censor his reading. I think it's quite admirable that he picked historic books (and I wouldn't blame the au pair at all).

Things upset me more now than they did at 11 and I think children have a natural interest to find out about things that are quite horrific. They also have an amazing ability to be quite matter of fact about such things.

I would however, take a lot of time to talk to him about the books and discuss the content with him.

lisa, I hope you won't mind me posting on here as I have a similar or totally opposite problem to yours, depending on how you look at it.

I have read a lot about the Third Reich, the Holocaust and Destruction Camps from about the age of 10 onwards. I've also watched a lot of movies as a slightly older child (12-16, maybe?) about the same subjects, some of them shown at school or recommended by teachers. I know I was upset, and yes, sometimes traumatised, but at the same time I had this rather intense need to try and understand. I am now 43 and still don't. How could anybody??

My background is that I am German. I am "lucky" in that my grandparents where too old to be active participants in any atrocities, and my parents were too young.
My eldest is now 6 and is becoming more aware of the world. How on earth am I ever going to explain to him and his brothers part of my heritage??

Sorry, I digress: IMO, follow your DS's lead. It he finds things too upsetting, he can always stop reading and return the books. I think there is a real danger that by not allowing him these books you might pique his interest even more. And sadly that part of history is the culmination of hundreds of years of prosecution which is part of his heritage. I would not deny that learning about how awful the human animal can behave to its fellow human may cause him nightmares (I know I had them), but I do not think that would change if another year or a few passed. Of course you know your son best and want to protect him from hurt, but being there for him if/when he has questions IMO will be more constructive and supportive.

I really hope nothing I've said will cause you offense.

I try to let my 11 year old choose his own reading material - I don't want to discourage his natural progression / learning but he has sometimes chosen books which I consider are a little old for him.
In this case, I ask him what the book is about, casually flick through it and then say something along the lines of 'Wow, there is some pretty horrible stuff in here! I find it quite upsetting to read about the holocaust / war / (for example). If there is anything you come across that upsets you, that you don't understand or that you just want to talk about with me - let me know.'
I then leave him to it - maybe asking him how he's getting on with the book a few days later if he hasn't mentioned it to me.

It will hopefully send him the message that I trust him to choose his own reading material but that I'm here to help if he makes the wrong choice!!

Don't know whether that approach could work in your case OP?

Good post PD.

Thank you all for your valued opinions whic I have considered.

I agree with bits of what various people have said but most strongly that 10 year olds cannot have acccess to all books.

I have no objection to him knowing about hte holocaust and even the numbers that perished and the antisemtism but not to him knowing the details and methods of killing etc. he just would not cope with it. Would any 10 year old?

On balance what I think I will do is to explain to him that it is admirable that he wants to know what happened ( our religion teaches us to remember the holocaust and never to forget)and that I can see he has a strong desire for knowledge and that I will help him acquire this knowlege over the next few years as he gets older but that the type of books he has chosen now are not right for him now as they are made for adults and not all adult books are suitable. ( Even the 2 which I thought are not so graphic are very , very upsetting as I later flicked through ). I will offer to buy him HItler killed my pink rabbit which is a book about the holocaust on the yr 7 reading list ( he is yr 6) and also anne frank which are better intros to the subject and hopefully he will be ok wiht that.

I looked through these books and felt anger, upset and distress - piles of bones, masses of hair and images of people being burned alive. What and how would a child feel especailly one who knows this happened to his relatives?

He asked me today in teh car just before going to the library why the english didn't bomb the concentration camps ( which i answered i hope fairly - I said that it was not really known until after the war what went on and the prioirites were in defeating HItler rather than rescuing his prisoners) and why teh germans hated the jews so much and whether it could happen again.

I think that film he saw in teh summer has really affectred him....

PacificDogwood - nothing in your post upset me - in fact I found it inspired and thoughtful.

And perhaps I was expecting too much of my au pair. It 's just that as one of the books had a pileof human skulls on teh front I would have expctd her to have questioned it. Maybe she just didn't see it as ds did take out 12 books !

All the au pair did was let him take it out - up to you if he gets to read them.

I am all for letting them choose subject matter etc, I think I would make a concentrated effort to educate him in this area. I think knowing about these issues sometimes helps foster compassion.

I think I would go through the books first, and read parts of it together. It is upsetting reading - but I think if he feels compelled to learn about it, this should be encouraged.

lisalisa, just in relation to your comment about the cover - has your DS enjoyed the Horrible History series? Those of course concentrate on 'gory' parts of history as well as the most lurid titbits.

Now I am not for a moment suggesting that the books your DS selected were similar, but could it be that he was expecting them to be similar? Or that your au pair thought so?

by the way, I have reservations about Horrible Histories - whether it is really OK to be so lighthearted about the sometimes dreadful events they cover - but will save those for another thread.

lisalisa - I can understand your point of view, but it does sound like he is trying to explore and learn about what happened. Difficult as it is, in my very humble opinion, this is something that you should try to support him with.

Maybe you could suggest that you read the diary of Anne Frank together first, before he decides whether or not to look at the more graphic material. If you can bear it, it might also be time to look at your family tree and talk about what happened. Perhaps those things would give him a context of the human loss and fear - and he may well decide that he isn't yet ready for more information.

Just a thought.

lisalisa I think you've handled it right. I wouldn't want my 10yo girl reading these books, like your DS she would probably pick them up as she's very interested in history, WW2 etc but I think there must be a balance between letting them choose what they want at hte library and not having them have nightmares about images they see!

I cried buckets at boy in teh striped pjs, btw

Thank you for all your messages.

I spoke to ds this morning armed with my best explanations as to how it was wonderful ( for want of a better word) and worthy of respect that he wants to learn about this and is seeking to educate himself,but that these partiuclar books were suited to an older audience and that I could help him learn by reading age appropriate books. I then suggestd hitler killed my pink rabbit and anne frank.

His reply was that the librarian , on hearing that he wished to take out books on the holocaust suggested the ones he had as age appropriate. He then told me he'd read 2 of them cover to cover already ( he is a very fast and avid reader and returned from the libraray about 6.00pm. I didn't return until 9.00pm that night and he was already asleep - I presumed he hadn't read them or hadn't done more than flicked through.

I gave him my speech that alhtouhg it was all horrific and a very dark period in human history it wasn't all terrible as there were many people who risked their lives to save the Jews and many Germans who refused to fight or take part and many today who examine and wrestle wiht their family histroy during that time. I tried not to paint too black a picture of humankind during that time as I truly believe that would be too much for a 10 yr old also ( how would he then continue believeing in the basic goodness of man seeing that type of destruction?)

He said that he had found it ok and not too shocking and hadn't had any bad dreams. He got very cross when I initimated that i would be taking hte books back and swapping them for somehitng more appropriate and said he'd already read anne frank at school and hitler and the pink rabbit and wanted something more historical and fact based.

I decided to let him keep the books. I felt if I removed them in the face of all that i would be telling them that I don't trust his feelings or his need to explore/grow up/give expression to his feelings and that would have a negative impact. Ds is a very intellingent and curious child and very independant to boot. It is one of those child specific decisions I had to make I usppose.

I did warn him however that , along with the choice of being able to keep them came the responsibility to make sure none of his siblings can find and read them. He has agreed to keep them under his pillow as he was going to bring them down to breakfast and read them at the table with the rest of hte family! Ds has 3 younger siblings aged 8,6 and 4 so I have had to be very careful indeed.

Good for him. He'll go far that boy.

Don't forget to tell him it wasn't just Germans....

Well done for your handling of the situation and your DS being so mature.

Perhaps he would enjoy reading something written by Germans about the war, the struggles that many had when they realised that their parents were Nazis. To show that after the war the Germans did try to understand the Nazi regime and come to terms with their past.

I am off on the school run but will see what I can find when I come back.

What a boy! You can be very proud of him.

I was thinking about your problem last night in bed, particularly about what you had said about some of the covers showing piles of skulls etc. Is it not the oh so well organised mass-destruction that differenciates the Holocaust from some other forms of prosecution the Jewish people suffered over the centuries? Not that I am justifying or playing down other atrocities in history (or in other countries, see Ruanda, for instance), but it is the thoroughness of it all that just beggers belief in my eyes. And not exclusively Jews of course, but all sorts of inconcenient or "other" folk.
Also the rather complex politics behind Hitler being able to rise to power are so important, I think, particularly with current polarisation in Britain as well (BNP and their ilk).

You and your son handled this so well. He is obviously a bit beyond Anne Frank's Diary and looking for hard facts and numbers.
But also well done for making clear he has to keep this particular reading material to himself for the time being.

This might be a good book for him to read

Karin Himmler confronts her the sins of her forefathers.

There was a book a couple of years ago about a young black child in Nazi Germany, will try to find it.

He sounds like an amazing kid
I read a lot about the holocaust at his age, and was fascinated by it. I don't remember being disturbed or having nightmares. I still wish I hadn't looked at the books on Jack the Ripper at around the same age. Those DID give me nightmares, the photos are still stuck in my head to this day. It's strange the things that do and don't affect you when you are a kid.

I think you handled the conversation with him well, he's obviously able to cope with learning about that bit of history.
x

Found it Destined to Witness the story of Hans J. Massaquoi, later editor of Ebony magazine in US. He tells of being upset as a boy in Nazi Germany as he was not allowed to join Hitler Youth.

I have not read it yet, so not sure if it is suitable for your son. Going by the books that he has already read, I suspect not.