So a toddler won't starve himself but not eating can make him (and me) very miserable - please help!

[nondomesticgoddess]

I'm sure this has been covered over and over but I do not know what to do with ds and I've just had enough.

Dd (3.6) was a terrible eater and I did all the 'wrong' things and basically force fed her. It was hideous for about 2 years but she is now a pretty good eater.

When ds (20 months) started to go off food I was determined not to go the same way. From very early on I have been Mrs Chilled Out and let him lead the way - if he wants to eat, he will, if not, he won't. However, he has just got worse and worse. He sits willingly at the table but then refuses to eat pretty much anything offered unless it's a fruit pot or a yoghurt.

Today he ate - 1 weetabix (a miracle in itself), 1 fruit pot, 1 biscuit, 1 yoghurt, 4 minute rice cakes and 1 fruit pouch.

I wouldn't mind the not eating but he now screams at the table. You get him down and he continues screaming.

He is very clingy at the best of times but he seems to be getting upset more and more easily and I'm sure he must be hungry.

Does a toddler know that hunger pains are helped by eating??

Please help me - this is really getting us down. The crying seems endless, I'm snapping unnecessarily at dd and I don't know what to do.

i´ve had real probs with my dd3.
she seems to be getting better now though fingers crossed but you can still forget any meat or veg!

health visitor said the general "rules" are

if they see they are getting a reaction that is what they want.by making a fuss you are letting them know it is a big deal and they begin to dread the process of eating and mealtimes

you need to give them what they might normally eat and gradually put a tiny tiny bit of something new on the plate.
it can take at least 10 times for them to see it and refuse it before they might even try it.(still not worked for me but oh well!)

if they dont eat it,dont even mention it,just take it away and bin it,never offer anything else..(so hard to do i know i always end up making what i know she WILL eat)

get them involved with the buying of things,the making even the washing up to make it more fun......hv suggested making a "recipe" book with them.obv when theyre old enough

only ever give them stupidly small amounts as its a psychological thing that if their plate looks full they feel under pressure and it makes it seem even more of a task,
they can always have more if they want it (yeah right!

ioh and apparently you should always look at it as what they have eaten over a week not a day and you will be surprised how much they have actually eaten

good luck,its a nightmare i know

ds is 22 months. Today he ate..

breakfast - a weetabix and half a banana
lunch - tiny tuna sandwich (1/8th of a round!), two tiny bits of cheese and three grapes
snack - half a penguin biscuit he pinched from his sister
dinner - nothing

At meal times he either eats or more likely screams until he's removed from his highchair. If he sits anywhere else he messes about with his sister's x3) food and causes grief. This evening he was removed from the kitchen to the hall and we shut the door (he can open it if he likes) to keep the noise down!

He eats when he's hungry and when he doesn't I let him get on with it. I refuse to get cross about this, life's too short for battling with toddlers.

One thought though - have you tried feeding him earlier? he sounds as though he might be tired

Have just spotted the other very similar thread (op PennyBenjamin) on here.

I know it's very common and I could deal with the not eating - I just can't bear the screaming and crying.

All he wants is yoghurts and fruit pots. Do I give him both every meal time (he normally gets one or the other)? Or will he then be even less likely to eat his 'main meal'.

If I knew what he liked I'd happily give that to him all day every day but he flits from one day to the next. In fact, I gave him pasta with tomato sauce today as that is normally a hit but he wouldn't touch a single mouthful.

I think I could also deal with him better if I wasn't trying to simultaneously eat myself and get dd fed.

Oh, the frustration!

Have other mums noticed whether the amount their child eats has an affect on their behaviour/happiness?

going to bed, but marking this so I can reply properly tomorrow with some (hopefully helpful) advice.

Do you think he's holding out for the sweet stuff? I think I'd be tempted to just stop giving pudding at all.

I have a very similar problem with DD (17mths) - I also made the same mistakes as you with DS (3yrs 10mths) and thought that my approach this time would sort it out (BLW) but again - she just hardly eats a thing - she was brilliant until around 6mths ago and is now just awful, and will not sit at the table.
She is still bf and this evening I told her 'no bf until you eat some dinner' and she tantrummed for over an hour on my knee until I gave in.
I'm watching this thread with interest as I'm at the end of my tether with this too.

Today she ate - a quarter slice of toast, a bag of quavers and a corner of a cereal bar. Her breakfast, lunch and dinner were entirely untouched.

Could you try giving him different things in yoghurt pots? So when he's had a yoghurt, wash the pot out and use it at the next meal time putting things in it. 22month old I care for likes Mini Bread Sticks at the moment for some reason. Cucumber Chunks (he sucks them). Bananna. Raw Carrot. Pasta in Cheese sauce. Bread with Marmite. Baked Beans (likes to go shopping for those so he can carry them to the till).

Recently he has started playing a lot with the play kitchen things... have used that to my advantage by laying out the play plates, cups etc on a rug and then having real food - an indoor picnic.

It's a pain when you cook something you know they will eat, they take one spoonful or none at all and just push it away. Tricking age... wish there was an easy solution.

I used to think fussy eating was just parents being over-protective/fussy themselves.....

Then ds2 came along and below all of those opinions away.

He is only 18 months and for days on end will refuse all food. He seems to go into a negative spiral sometimes where the more we "allow" him to refuse, the more he will. We have had several months where he has gained no weight whatsoever and is absolutely tiny for his age (9kg).

I try to be relaxed about it, but on the other hand, when I see how tiny he is in comparison with his peers, it is difficult.

I wish I had the magic answer for you, but unfortunately I don't. I do however sympathise. We have tried everything and the only saving grace is that I know it's not the way we do things as ds1 is a fantastic eater, but ds2 is just not interested.

I did however read something recently which said if they are demanding a certain food, let them have it. If he only wants to eat fruit pots and yoghurt, will it hurt that much in the long run? However, having him not eating at all could be worse.

"blew" not "below" - I really need to improve my typing skills .

Could you try changing the meal time routine a bit? It sounds like he's starting to see just sitting at the table as a cue to get upset. How about doing a picnic-type meal on the living room floor, with a few different things on a rug (including his favourites!) so he can choose what he wants? The novelty might distract hom from being upset, your litle girl would enjoy it too, and he might even try something new! Or get him his own cutlery, or a new cup, or a mat to put his plate on - anything really that he can focus on other than the fact it's time to eat. Has he got a favourite toy that could "eat" with him, or that he could pretend to feed? I think you're right to try and be laid back about his eating, and at the end of the day there are worse diets than fruit and yoghurt!

Some good advice here but one thing worth checking - could he be teething with his molars? It might be that eating is hurting his gums/jaw.

My DS1 was never a great eater but he became even worse (and much more cautious) whenever he was teething and would only eat very smooth stuff (ie yoghurt!)

DS2 is a fab eater so far (BLW - yay!) but also becomes fussy and screamy when teething and again, yoghurt is the only thing he will reliably touch at those times.

I feel your pain

My DS is 2.9 and is an absolute nightmare food-wise, and has been since he turned one.(though he has been diagnosed with ASD which doesnt help)

He goes through fases of eating a little then not eating at all, dependant on his mood, if he is poorly or too tired.

I do find he is much better to deal with when he is not hungry, if he doesnt eat he turns into a whiny nightmare.

My HV has been brilliant and told me that I just need to go with him. I dont sit him down to have his meals (except his tea), I just put it on the coffee table and let him graze at it. Things like Raisins, Rice cakes (he loves the new blackberry organix ones) and grapes are his favourites, and I can sometimes get toast and cheese down him at tea time.

He is so active though which is his main problem, hatever he eats he burns off.He is small for his age, still in 12-18 month trousers and only weighs 11kg.

I think the main thing is to let him eat what he likes within reason, and it sounds like your DS is eating quite good stuff, so Maybe try and increase the amount of what he will eat, or do what I do when DS went through a yoghurt phase and ass double cream to it for extra calories. Please dont beat yourself up about it.

is this a recent thing? Could it be teething or a sore throat? DS2 (18mo) has a gargantuan appetite, but occasionally seems to really struggle for a few days with screaming and throwing food around - but refusing to get down or have his bib taken off! If eating has been painful, the fear/hunger/screaming can persist for a while.

I find that putting calgel on before eating can help (although I have had my fingers bitten a few times!). Also, offering very soft food, such as scrambled egg, yogurt and pouches - with those early weaning soft spoons.

If it's any consolation, DS2 seems to snap out of this phase after a few days.

To be fair, what he's eating is nutritionaly sound compared to lots of children!

I pureed friut and froze it in lolly moulds when DS wouldn't eat much. Now he only likes crudites, so dinner will be celery, carrot and cucumber sticks, and maybe some plain boiled rice.
He'll nibble through the day though on raisins, melon etc.
I lay off the yogarts too for a few days if I think he's holding out for them.

Is he like this at Granny's? Mine become different children around someone elses table.

DD would only eat food in stacks for a while. (Think timbales in fancy restaurants in the 90's.)

Good luck!

My DD 20mths, is behind on her teeth (compared to peers) and she does struggle sometimes when teething. Its also worse when she poorly. Yesterday I had to blend her dinner and she ate it.

I found ds was reluctant to eat and just threw most of his food on the floor.

We noticed that he ate more if we ate our food in the living room off our knees and just offered him some from our plates. He seemed to get the idea of eating more with less pressure on him, and now he is happy to eat at the table and eats a LOT more.

Might be worth a try?

i'd double-check the teeth thing too, dd2 is a fair eater but has been right off her food for the last fortnight i'd say, a combination of loads of snot from a cold and pre-molars coming through. so she's strictly milk and bits and bobs for the moment, poor thing.

DS 20 mo, hated eating at the kitchen table, particularly when in his high chair - even tho we sat and ate with him. I think he felt trapped. I got him a little table and chairs from ikea and he'll eat a meal quite happily at that. He'll often pause in the middle for ten minutes, go off and do something, then come back and finish.
DP or I will still sit and eat or drink something at the - miniscule - table, but I put it right in the middle of the kitchen so DS is sure he's not missing out on a single thing.

Phew - it's so good to hear that he really isn't the only one (not so good for all of you though!).

The teething thing is interesting - he has 4 molars left to come through and I have wondered if that is making him worse. There is no sign of any teeth at the moment but they could be niggling him under the gums.

He's also pretty snotty right now and I don't think that helps.

There are a few suggestions here I'm going to try - pureed food, picnics on the carpet, and just continuing to stay calm, calm, calm.

I also worry about giving him snacks between meals becasue I don't want him to fill up on those but as he doesn't eat anything at meals either way, perhaps I should get it in when I can! At least that way he might not get so hungry.

I'll let you know how I get on...

i don't really care about teh snack/non snack thing. if they're eating cucumber and carrot sticks with hummus for example, what do i care when they're eating it? (and sometimes it's nice to know you can just give them a boiled egg and toast soldiers cos they've had a good lot of veg for a snack, and then order a curry for me and dh.

oh and if he's sniffing and swallowing, then his tummy might be full of snot.

I've made the decision tonight that I'm going to schedule milk feeds as of tomorrow in an attempt to remedy this. One feed on wake-up, one late morning, one after lunch and then NONE until bedtime (to make sure she is hungry at dinner)
Don't mean to hijack but is this too harsh?
(she is 17mo)

sasamaxx, I'd be interested to hear how you get on as ds2 is about the same age. I have started to schedule his meals and if he doesn't eat anything I give him "milk" instead (I say milk in inverted commas as he is allergic to cows milk so he has a special milk substitute). He then has around 12-15 oz of "milk" spread throughout the day, broadly at breakfast, mid-afternoon and bed, but if he e.g. doesn't want his milk at breakfast, I might give it him mid-morning instead.

Do you want a laugh? I took ds to the hv today on the advice of gp (who I took him to on Monday to check there was no underlying medical issue, ie ear infection). He got weighed and is close to the same centile as 6 months ago so all good.

I then described mealtimes to the hv and asked if she could help. She said, 'You just have to work out what works the best for your family'. Thanks. Very helpful! When I said he sometimes sits screaming at the table, refusing his dinner and demanding a biscuit she said, 'Well, you could give him the biscuit. Or not.' Well, thank you again.

On the upside, he did eat all his breakfast and most of his lunch. He has also been a lot happier which fuels my belief that if he doesn't eat he gets hungry and irritable. Wish me luck with tea!

It could just be that you need to look at meal/snack times