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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Best way to handle a tantrum at toddler group.

35 replies

NoseyNooNoo · 04/11/2009 22:48

I took DD (3yrs) and DS (1yr) to toddler group today We had a lovely time until towards the end when we start to clear away. DD started to sulk and I ignored her. The group then sat in a group for music time. DD sat in the middle and had the mother of all tantrums - screaming, rolling around the floor, tears falling down her face - not helped by another child stealing her chair. Every time I got up to comfort her she notched up the volume so I ignored her.

I could have removed her and DS(who was being an angel) and gone home. Should I have done this? I'm aware that her tantrum ruined everyone else's enjoyment but I ignored her because I feel that if I pander to such behaviour she'll do it again. However, this meant that no one could hear the music.

So - ignore her, console her, remove her and DS or another alternative?

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CristinaTheAstonishing · 04/11/2009 22:56

I think I'd have taken her out and comforted her. Your DS being only 1 wouldn't have minded the change of scene all that much, your DD would have got more out of it (attention from mummy and immediate comfort), also the others. I think you tried to prove a principle but she might have been too emotional at the time to take it in.

Original poster

NoseyNooNoo · 05/11/2009 15:40

Thanks for your thoughts.

Does anyone else think the same or differently?

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 05/11/2009 15:43

I would have picked her up and taken her outside (and probably gone home)

In fact, I have done this - I love it when they pick the BEST moments to kick-off, don't you?!

Original poster

NoseyNooNoo · 05/11/2009 15:48

I think I was afraid of the logistics. It would be difficult to move a kicking and screaming child to the door whilst holding DS too. Then the 'buggy park' has no space whatsover so I'd have had to take everyone else's pushchair outside to get to mine whislt still holding on to 2 children.

She did the same today at the library rhyme time - it's becoming her forte.

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 05/11/2009 15:49

I have asked someone to keep an eye on dd2 (when she was a baby) in order to deal with dd1

sazzerbear · 05/11/2009 15:53

Probably best to just go home if she's like it regularly - i'm sure none of the other parents were that bothered, we all experience tantrums from time to time! Pretty stressful for you though!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 05/11/2009 16:33

I know that, theoretically, ignoring is best in these situations, because removing her might be rewarding her with what she wants - to leave, but actually I think that I'd leave.

Presumably by the end she's tired/hungry and has had enough, so I might be inclined to leave early, before the singing if this is a regular occurrence.

As an aside, is there a fire exit or are the buggies blocking it ?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 05/11/2009 16:36

BTW, I don't think all tantrums are conscious attempts to get us to do what they want, mostly they are just emotional meltdowns.

elkiedee · 05/11/2009 16:40

I would ask someone to keep an eye on baby and take the older child away from the group for a few minutes.

If you have to take them both out with you, do that, but don't worry about rushing to leave and struggling with all the other buggies etc. Just find somewhere quiet to talk/cuddle/wait and then go home when everyone else does.

But yes, ds1 has tantrums sometimes too and it's really hard to know what best to do.

colditz · 05/11/2009 16:42

Remove her.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 05/11/2009 16:45

DS1 was spectacularly tantrummy and I often had to make a quick getaway. Once or twice after he'd started banging his head on the floor or similar .

colditz · 05/11/2009 16:46

Personally with a 3 year old I'd have removed her and NOT comforted her, because I expect a three year old to start learning about appropriate behavior, and lying on the floor screaming isn't appropriate behavior.

I wouldn't have done a big long p[ointless lecture, I'd have picked her up like a roll of carpet and told her firmly "We are leaving because you are being naughty. Say goodbye to everyone!"

Original poster

NoseyNooNoo · 05/11/2009 21:18

Thanks for your comments. It's interesting that no one has said that I was right to leave her to it. I think I also don't want to look like I'm losing it with her if I do anything other than ignore it. It is a new thing for us (this tantrum business) and I don't want to restrict outings if she's going to have a tantrum.

She does often say at the end of these tantrums that she is tired. She hasn't done day-time naps since around her 1st birthday, except on long car journeys. She won't go to her room for a nap and she won't lie down on the sofa for a nap so not sure if she really is tired or how to help her not be tired. She does get about 11 hrs sleep a night.

OP posts:

elkiedee · 06/11/2009 02:06

I'd hate to have to abandon an outing every time my ds1 has a tantrum though, I've more sympathy with op than most of the suggestions of going home immediately.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 06/11/2009 05:30

I think it depends when the tantrum happens. At the end of a tiring session - I'd go home. In the middle of the street - wait it out and ignore.

cory · 06/11/2009 08:11

I would have done what colditz says: removed and ignored.

I wouldn't necessarily end a whole outing over a tantrum, but I did use to make sure dd was removed to a place where she wasn't spoiling things for everybody else.

colditz · 06/11/2009 08:30

The thing is, removing would be a bit pointless for an 18month old baby, as they probably wouldn't make the link between screaming and leaving the fun.

For a 3 year old, it would cut down DRASTICALLY on the number of tantrums they had, as they make the link between behaving badly and the end of the fun.

piscesmoon · 06/11/2009 08:41

I agree with colditz. I wouldn't comfort-just kept calm-removed and taken home and ignored. When she had calmed down just told her calmly that she spoilt it for the rest and so the only choice was to go home. I would only tell her that once, and move on. She is more likely to get the message if you are very matter of fact and calm.

LilRedWG · 06/11/2009 08:56

At home I do agree with the ignoring, but if we are out and about and DD has a tantrum (which thankfully she hasn;t yet) I would calmly remove her and let everyone else keep having fun. If we were somewhere like the park where she wouldn't impact other people's enjoyment I would treat as at home.

LilRedWG · 06/11/2009 08:57

DD is three and a half btw and I agree with Colditz that at that age they are old enough to know what is appropriate and not.

nicnacinoonoo · 06/11/2009 09:09

i agree that comfort is not the solution to a tantrum at 3 years old. they know they are being naughty and comfort is like rewarding them for it.

i would have removed her from the immediate group to a corner or just outside of the room and had quiet words with her, explaining that she is being naughty and if she doesnt calm down she will have to go home and a threat of not taking her again.

if she then calmed down i would re join the group, if not i would take her home. then when it comes to next week going again i would say to her before hand that she has to be on her best behaviour if she wants to go and not have a trantrum again like the week before, and keep going over it a few times so that she thoroughly understands that she has to behave.

piscesmoon · 06/11/2009 09:10

I agree LilRedWG- I am all for ignoring when you can, but if it spoils other people's enjoyment they have to be removed.

teatank · 06/11/2009 09:27

noseynoonoo i agree with your comments. i would of left her cos if you would of took her out she would of picked up on the fact she could control you in certain situiations. people understand tantrums and wouldnt of been bothered by it.

saintmaybe · 06/11/2009 10:08

I might have left her too, as least for a while, depending how well I knew the group, if there was plenty of time for singing or just one song etc. How long did she last?

CristinaTheAstonishing · 06/11/2009 19:20

A 3 y.o. can understand what is appropriate and what isn't but when she's tired and having a tantrum she probably doesn't think things through. Also when she's having a tantrum she's no longer having fun so I doubt they'd see removal as end of fun and judge it like this for next time. I still think they are unhappy in such situations and what they need is comfort. Talking and analysing can come later.

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