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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Nearly lost it with dd1 (3.5). Anyone have some kind words for me or am I just the crap, useless parent I think I might be.

53 replies

suiledonne · 21/10/2009 10:30

DD1 has asthma and eczema. For a long time the eczema was quite bad on her legs and put her off wearing trousers, leggings or tights. It flared up at the start of the summer in June since it was warm I gave up on trousers and got her some nice skirts and dresses.

Now the weather is a lot colder I just cannot get her to put trousers on. Her asthma is awful lately, triggered by colds and she has been in hospital 3 times recently.

I am really trying to keep her dressed. She fights me at every turn. All I hear all day from DH, MIL, my mother, my sister is

'It's too cold. SHe has to be dressed. She'd get ill again. Just dress her'. on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on

And I can't take it anymore. She was ok for the last 2 days but will not put any trousers on today. I have tried and tried and she has fought me til I lost my temper and put her in the travel cot. I want to smack her but I know it won't help. I am fighting the instinct.

What will I do? I am in tears and dd2 is upset with all the carry on.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HuwEdwards · 21/10/2009 11:40

another to agree with Colditz - holding her down doesn't have to be aggressive or threatening - but it must be firm.

Just keep a calm voice and explain what your doing (don't debate it with her) and as soon as she's dressed get out of the house quick.

MrsGravy · 21/10/2009 11:42

I'd let her remain undressed at home - I can't imagine she's going to get cold enough to get ill when she's inside. But I would physically dress her by force if you have to go out. Sounds like you've tried everything else!

pranma · 21/10/2009 11:43

My dgs has eczema and finds that most trousers make his legs sore[he is 3.1].My dd puts soft cotton pj trousers on under his daytime ones and that seems to work.If your dd wears pjs at night she may accept that.

womblemeister · 21/10/2009 11:47

BonsoirAnna made a good suggestion about soft clothing.

I have no experience with eczema but my DD now nearly 6 can be a total nightmare to the extent she refuses to wear any tights with seams in the feet. Even lovely soft woolly ones. So I took her to a shop and let her choose the tights, got the shop assistant to take all the tights out of the boxes so she could see there were no seams. Could you try taking her to a shop and let her feel everything till she finds some trousers she's happy with??

I can remember being exactly the same with itchy clothing when I was little .

colditz · 21/10/2009 11:47

Doesn't have to be forceful, she's three, she's not big enough for you to have to hurt her to control her.

With ds1, I lie him on the sofa and kneel over him, facing his toes, with a knee each side of hit body.

I then grab trousers, and put a foot down each leg.

Then I pull them up, stand him up and whip him up to bed quick.

So for your daughter, I would get EVERTHING ready to go. Then put the trousers AND SHOES on her while she is lying down, then whip her out of the house, gaily trilling "OHHHHH we can go to the park NOW THAT YOU HAVE YOUR TROUSERS ON, you are SUCH a good girl for wearing your trousers, we are going to go down the slide BECAUSE you are wearing trousers.

The physical act doesn't have to be harmful or stressful or upsetting or horrible. Just do it!

HerHonesty · 21/10/2009 11:57

I think you are being very harsh on yourself. it is not easy bringing up a child with severe eczema.

I dont have any answers but I used to run around the house naked until i was caught and pinned down before anyone could put my cream and clothes on me and fwiw I dont remember the trauma of that, just the itching and the pain of the eczema.

Jujubean77 · 21/10/2009 12:26

You can be exposed to a cold virus and not get it or get if (if you are run down or; cold) your sis is correct.

I also have to physically dress DD, you get into a hang of it with distraction and they get used to it.

loupiots · 21/10/2009 12:40

The theory runs that you are less likely to pick up the virus if you run down; you are more at risk if you have a healthy immune system. But there's very little in it - a few studies show that 95% of those exposed to the virus get it anyway, healthy immune or no.

But, it doesn't matter what your sister says, it is what you can do to make both you and your child more comfortable with the current situation. Have you ruled out that the clothes, tights etc. could be irritating her skin even more?

ruddynorah · 21/10/2009 12:41

how severe is the eczema? how are you dealing with it?

fwiw i wouldn't bother trying to make her get dressed in the house. when you go outdoors what does she want to wear? nothing at all on her legs or is a skirt ok for her? i'd honestly just go out with her in the skirt and take soft trousers in a bag for if she asks for them.

the constant battle of it and everyone telling her she must wear trousers is probably quite off putting for her.

dd gets eczema on the backs of her knees. she much prefers soft trousers, and would rather wear a skirt. our compromise is she can wear skirts but has to wear leggings or soft trousers underneath. i talk about it from the point of view of hurting her legs if she falls. thankfully she had a bad fall wearing just a skirt and grazed all up her shins and knees...so she now believes me that it's best to wear something under skirts. in the house she can be as naked as she likes.

loupiots · 21/10/2009 12:42

Why am I missing words out of my post?
are & system would help.

Hullygully · 21/10/2009 12:52

I really don't think bare legs matter if she is warm on her top half and feet. What about all th emillions of kids who have to wear shorts to school all year round? It would only be her knees and the skirts could be longish. It's not worth the fight. My dd had terrible eczema too, it's enough to worry about without the clothes fight.

Original poster

suiledonne · 21/10/2009 12:56

Her eczema is really quite good at the moment. A bit dry but no sore itchy bits right now. I have always been very conscious of the comfort factor and even have had threads in the past looking for soft comfy cotton trousers. I got some on JoJo Maman Bebe which were perfect and she wore them happily up til this summer.

She wore leggings as a baby but won't tolerate them at all now. Never put her in tights when her legs were bad so she never wore them at all.

The only things she wants to wear are short, lightweight cotton skirts and dresses - just not appropriate for a sickly child mid-October.

She wore nothing other than skirts in the summer and a t -shirt in bed so her legs are just unfamiliar with fabric against them - understandable but I need to move on from here.

I feel bad for her with everyone going on about it all the time. If I am fed up I can imagine how she feels.

Her complaints are:

too tight
too high - likes them low - waist somewhere mid thigh if up to her
too loose - hard to get a balance with the loose/tight thing for her
just not working - her words for trousers that are just all wrong

OP posts:

needacupoftea · 21/10/2009 13:02

tricky with the eczema. Knee length socks? Really loose cullotte type trou? My DD (3) does not want shoes on most days - a problem when leaving the house! I swing between holding her down to get the damn things on her and just walking off and leaving her in a squirmy mass on the hall floor until she wonders where I've gone and brings her shoes to me. Sometimes if you act like you don't care maybe she'll stop playing up so much...

Hullygully · 21/10/2009 13:03

Can't understand why she can't just wear loose longish dresses with vests/t shirts and socks? Why the trouser insistence?

colditz · 21/10/2009 13:05

I think she has been out of trousers so long now that anything on her legs feels weird.

I was the same with shoes. I ran around entirly barefoot all summer, with flipflops for walking into town, and every year without fail my mother struggled to get comfortable shoes that I would wear - because they all felt restricting.

there was, in hindsight, nothing wrong with the shoes, and I'm glad my mother forced the issue.

As, I think, you are going to have to do with some sort of leg covering. It is too COLD not to wear anythin g on your legs right now unless you are a pissed 17 year old on the pull.

Honestly, put her trousers on her, then immediately change the subject to the park.

colditz · 21/10/2009 13:05

Hully, it's cold outside.

needacupoftea · 21/10/2009 13:05

also - sounds like a lot of this is just being a 3 yr old. You are not crap! Just as frustrated as all the parents of 3 yr olds I know (incl me!)

colditz · 21/10/2009 13:07

It is just her being a three year old. I battled with ds2 nightly about pyjamas. Until I dropped the subject and just put them on him.

If I told him the sky was up, he would argue with me and that is not even an exaggeration. He's the most argumentative child I have ever ever met.

Original poster

suiledonne · 21/10/2009 13:11

colditz Sounds like you speak from experience. My dd is like that too.

Am going to get a trousers on her no matter what ot takes and distract her long enough to keep it on.

Park idea not workable yet as she is still quite ill and on antibiotics so house bound for the moment.

OP posts:

needacupoftea · 21/10/2009 13:12

colditz - your ds2 and my dd sound like they are one and the same!

ruddynorah · 21/10/2009 13:13

have you given her the option of trousers UNDER the dresses/skirts she likes?

will she wear winter boots with long socks? i mean almost to the knee ugg type things.

Hullygully · 21/10/2009 13:23

I just remembered my three year old trudging through the snow in Poland in her pink party dress, friend's leopard print smock (adult size), wellies and great big frown. Happy days. Hated trousers. Hates skirts now.

ImSoNotTelling · 21/10/2009 13:25

I just got DD some tracksuit bottoms from JL and they have a lovely fleecy soft lining. They make her look a bit like Jordan but she chose them so there we have it!

Maybe something like that?

Otherwise yes I agree she needs to be dressed - like colditz says with holding her down.

At home though she can go without - don't see why not - DD is currently sporting her PJ tops and a nappy as she won't get dressed. No point in arguing indoors. You need to talk to your DH and say that you have decided that it's fine for her to wear what she wants indoors, that it won't make her ill etc (assuming your house isn't v cold). Him checking what she's wearing etc makes it sound like everyone is getting a bit obsessed with this one thing - when it's normal for kids this age to refuse clothes. It is normal, they do drive you up the wall, erm, HTH!

stellamel · 21/10/2009 13:47

What about making sure skirts are long or thicker material like cord and just piling up on the top half? thick jumper/fleece, gloves and hat - maybe that would offset the bare legs?

So sorry you're struggling you sound like a lovely mum

Casserole · 21/10/2009 14:00

A combination of vest, the longest dress she's got and thick warm cardi or jumper under her coat will keep her warm enough to go out. The asthma will be most triggered by her airways being hit by the cold air, so a scarf and hat might help too. Cold legs won't cause her to have an asthma attack.

What about giving her the option:

Don't go to the park (or wherever)
Go, with no trousers but a LOT of layers on top (you could exaggerate it a bit to make it less appealing ;) )
Go, with trousers on.

And I think you should tell your DH to hang around and get her into the trousers tomorrow morning!!

Good luck

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