11 week old in our bed - how to get our evenings back?

[Belgrano]

PLEASE help I am at wits end here!
11 week old breastfed DS has been in our room till now. He feeds to sleep in our bed at my bedtime, then we sneakily move him into his basket and usually he manages to go until 6 am but recently has started waking again around 2 am. We have no real routine with him, he does what he likes when he likes and is a really happy chilled little thing who hardly cries EXCEPT in the evenings.

He is not colicky, just wants to go to bed around 8 pm, DD goes to bed at 7 and you can see the problem with DS only falling asleep by feeding in my bed. Yes I have to go to bed at 8 pm too instead of having any dinner, or else I keep him up and prepare something one handed while jiggling him, and he gets overtired, fusses all through dinner and then I go to bed with him around 9.30. We then creep around in our room so as not to wake him as then I'll have to feed again but he's a light sleeper so ends the night in my bed when I've had him in there around 3 am and fallen asleep. So he is sort of a co-sleeping baby who is in his basket occasionally when he doesn't realise it!

I desperately need our evenings back to speak to DH and we could do with a bit of time just for us to rekindle a sex life too...

I am thinking of tackling it head-on tonight and shoving him in his own room in his cot (never sleeps there yet) at 7 pm and doing some form of controlled crying but am absolutely dreading it and not sure I will be able to handle it.

Sorry to ramble but I am SO TIRED. I adore having him there in my bed to cuddle but it's limiting that he will only fall asleep a) there, b)feeding, c)at my bedtime.

Can anyone help with experience or advice? I've read so many books I am completely confused. And before you suggest it, there is no space for me to sleep in his room alongside the cot as it's microscopically small.

P.S. DD was in her own room at 10 days but it was next door and this baby's room is downstairs and at the opposite side of the house. It feels so far away to me, let alone him!!!

I might not have grasped all the issues here but instead of going straight from co-sleeping to his own cot in his own room you could try other ways of getting him to sleep in his basket in your room... Ds2 has an Amby hammock in our room, goes in it around 7pm and I give it a bit of a bounce and immediately switch on an untuned radio (white noise) quite loud at first till he's asleep, then I turn it down just loud enough to cover the noise we make bustling about in the room. Once we're in bed I switch it off completely. At the moment it works like magic.

Sorry to sound harsh but he's only 11 weeks old, he needs comfort from his mother. Controlled crying at this age seems horrendously cruel. Can't you feed him in bed at 8pm, move him into his basket and then go downstairs to enjoy the rest of your evening?

Can you feed him to sleep on your bed, then move him into the basket once he is asleep? (This is what we do with DS and he is 13 months!). Possibly with a CC element here if you feel you need to, although I wouldn't myself at that age. It is better for him to stay in your room for a while yet than in his own room.

Also, could you have some light dinner with DD so that if you do end up getting stuck with DS at 8.00 you're not going to bed on an empty stomach?

How would you then get him out of your bedroom then? Am I not setting myself up for a hideous bout of 'persuasion' now in getting him into the cot and then ANOTHER one later on when I need to move him into his own room? At a point when he is sort of old enough to really mind?

Also I am conscious there is very little space in the moses basket so do need to get him into cot soon. although I suppose cot could be moved into our room. It might just fit in there. He still won't want to be in it though!

Poison Toadstool please be nice. I am extremely sleep deprived, bit confused by conflicting advice from books and asking for help!

11 weeks old is so little you must be feeling sleep deprived to feel so desperate to oust the little chap to a room on his own.

Moses baskets are usually ok until the baby learns to sit up unaided - my lo was in hers till 5 months!!!! - in our room. I would settle her in our bed then put her in the basket shes happy, i'm happy, = Lots of sleep all round.

oh and could dh help by doing the dinner while you feed and settle the baby - so its ready for you when you come back down?

or any chance of making something earlier in the day that just needs reheating at bedtime?

thanks everyone. Ugh, DH up with him right now. Been up there feeding and sucking finger for hour and half and now we're eating in turns, exactly what I want to eliminate!

Poisonous - Jo Tantum's Baby secrets, Gina Ford, and Birth and beyond all talk about crying with returning to reassure from this age or call it by another name, such as 'spaced soothing'!

Can't do it though - am lame and can't bear to hear him cry. Also don't want negative sleep associations, in that 'I cry and cry and no-one comes and that's how I go to sleep'

Dummy?

Our DD2 is like this, DD1 wouldn't take one, DD2 did and it helps.

As long as your DS isn't hungry/needs nappy changed etc etc then might be worth a try.

spits it out. I've tried so many times!

Sounds like he is doing well for an 11 week old, although now is the time to move the baby from your bed as otherwise you are creating a rod for your own back later on. I would not expect him to settle though without some adjustment to his cot. Start by getting him used to the cot during the day, put him in there for short amounts of time. Put the basket in the cot for a couple of nights before making the big decision to put him in their permanently. Would certainly not do cc at this young age.

How about eating all together with DC1, then doing bedtimes for DC1 then DC2, then retiring to the lounge for a lovely pudding and take it from there? Or if DH gets in from work, you eat with DC1 and him while you put them to bed... I'm a great beiever in puddings

TBH I don't think you can really force things at this age - they're still not aware of what's going on. Personally I will leave DD2 to cry for a couple of mins but only if I'm sure that nothing needs doing and she's tired. It's very much a personal choice though and if you can't stand to do it, then you def shouldn't IMO.

11 weeks is so small, things will get better, it's a short term thing. I do sypathise though

I mean if DH only gets in from work later then he eats while you do bedtime

7 years ago (aaaghh where did the time go, how come DS is 7 already) received wisdom was that DC slept in your room (note I never mentioned parents bed - DS remained in cot at all costs!) until 6 months old. I fed DS, put him down in carry cot/cot then DH & I had dinner together. Can you not feed him and then leave the room...or have I missed something?

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. 11 weeks is still just a newborn and the baby's routine will be always changing as they go through groth spurts/teething, etc. All you can do is be adaptable to that in the first year at least.

Is this really how you feel or is there some pressure from your OH in this making you feel like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place?

Just saying as looking after and 11 week old with another child too is hard enough without your OH putting presure on you.

Have you spoken to your health visitor?

I think you need to chill tbh. Your baby sounds very happy with the current routine and I think for the short time that he is so little you should really put his needs first.

If you really are so tired I'm not sure I understand why you object to going to bed at 8pm. Surely this is what makes the whole newborn thing doable.

Your baby probably cries in the evenings, not because he is tired but because he wants to cluster feed. If he DOES want to sleep, he should really be where you are. It goes against current guidelines to put babies in a seperate room from their parents. Keep a moses basket or cot downstairs for this purpose or just let him sleep on a playmat/carpet wherever.

I swaddled tightly, fed to sleep and then put into moses basket downstairs. Carried baby in moses basket up when we went to bed.
We did put the moses basket into the cot when we got upstairs but I suppose their would be no reason to just put at the side of the bed.

One of mine stayed in the moses basket until 6m. She loved it.
Otherwise I'd consider a small cot in your room if possible.

Sounds amazing that he's been going to sleep 8pm - 6am until recently. Brilliant. Waking the once at 2am sounds brilliant, too for an 11w old.

" but I suppose their would be no reason to just put at the side of the bed."?

but I suppose there would be no reason not to just put at the side of the bed."?[

you poor thing; it's exhausting at this stage and I can understand your need to get some sort of order back into your life, and i think you know that the crying thing isn't the answer!

Could you eat at teatime with DD and then your DH can eat when he gets home on his own? Then he can do bedtime routine with your older DD while you try and settle the baby into a routine at around sevenish? and are you getting naps in the day when the baby sleeps? makes life a LOT easier.

Also, it's worth persevering with the dummy; my DS would gag if we tried to give him a dummy but he wanted to be sucking ALL the time and would suck on a finger all evening until the finger wasn't enough and he wanted feeding instead. DH and I used to pass him back and forwards all night. He'd be awake from 5ish until 12ish as well. Anyway, I used to try the dummy occasionally and he would always spit it back at me, so one night when he was around 12 weeks I was fed up with it all and kept popping it back in (and helping him to keep it there ) until he got the hang of it. He never looked back after that, started sleeping better in the evenings and was able to be put down on his own. I also got a sodecar cot pretty quickly, so he was next to me but not actually in the bed beside me and he took comfort from this and would be happy to settle again a foot away from me after a feed as I was still close enough and he could wriggle over if he wanted me.

He was still waking three/four times a night for a feed until he was 10 months old though, and for two months after he was moved to his own room at 8 months, so it might not solve all your issues straight away, but might help.

you have my empathy though; DS is our third baby and I'm certain that if the older two had been this high maintenance there wouldn't have been another two!

I hope you get some respite soon

and as an aside to mummyandbaby, loads of people cosleep until their DC are MUCH older than this and don't have problems moving them into their own bed/room when the baby is ready. I don't think having an 11 week old baby in bed with you is making a rod for your own back at all where sleep is concerned; some babies are just more high maintenance and need more comfort and reassurance than others. DS2 is a very different child to his older two siblings who both slept through by 8 weeks old without any sort of soother where he has two blankies and a soft toy and looks for them every night before settling!

oh, and swaddling good as well.

Sorry to hijack but a couple of posts have got me a bit concerned about what we do with 6 week old DS.

Are we really supposed to have him in the room with us at all times? We have been feeding him to sleep in our bedroom, popping him into his cot and then coming downstairs for the evening. Should he be down here with us? Obviously we have a monitor on.

Belgrano - we also feed DS to sleep at the moment, on our bed, then slip him into his cot, very low light when feeding, would this work for you?