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Original poster

Concern over relative's toddler not talking

62 replies

lovechoc · 27/09/2009 19:03

DS's cousin is the same age as DS and has not said any words yet (he is two and a half years old). He has never said 'mama' or 'dada'. I said to the dad that maybe he ought to check with HV/GP to see if there's anything that's wrong, but the chances are he is just a bit slow with development and it's probably nothing to worry over. He said they aren't worrying and that he will get there eventually.

Would you contact a HV if your child was like this??

I personally was concerned when I heard this (haven't seen their DS for over a year now). What's your opinion? Anyone else experience this?

OP posts:
Clary · 29/09/2009 23:45

TBH the solid food or lack of it would concern me almost more than the talking.

Why does he not eat food? What does he eat?

Is the food thing his idea or his parents'?

Not sure where the late walking comes into all this...23mo is late, tho I do know at least one child who didn't walk until that kind of age - and is/was otherwise fine.

TotalChaos · 29/09/2009 23:52

yep, sounds concerning. but given you have a DS the same age, it's better if it's MIL rather than you that addresses this - as any seeming comparison between your DS and theirs could be very painful. hopefully he'll start nursery soon, as a half-decent nursery should pick up on all this, and push for help.

linglette · 30/09/2009 09:31

agree with totalchaos and have personal experience of being in the parents' position.

Say nothing that you would not be comfortable with them overhearing.

Do not allow others to speculate on autism. Focus on the need (language, play skills and other things that can be observed).

Original poster
lovechoc · 30/09/2009 11:00

Fanjo but in this situation, with this little boy, he isn't really getting interacted with. Am afraid MIL has told me they don't really say much as parents, it's so sad for the kids...

I think Norkily may have a point.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovechoc · 30/09/2009 11:04

he eats mashed up food, you know, like banana (weaning foods). He isn't eating solids like pieces of carrot or pork or potato etc. They are trying but he just isn't eating well at all. His diet is limited.

No, I won't say anything else to BIL (never see his wife, she doesn't really leave the house much I don't think).

They don't take the DC swimming or to the library or out anywhere really beside GPs (the other set). MIL can't have them because of 'nap times' so she has to arrange to stop in to see them, but it has to be in the morning because they are upstairs between 1-4pm for their naps.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovechoc · 30/09/2009 11:04

forgot to add,he gags on solid foods and has been doing this for several months now.

MIL will have to broach this topic with them again. she is practically convinced he is autistic.

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piprabbit · 30/09/2009 11:14

There is a connection between the muscles used for eating solid food, and ability to shape mouth to make word sounds. So maybe, if he is struggling to eat solids, then logically he will also be struggling to speak.

However, I would expect him to be making lots of babbling sounds even of not speaking.

There's no way to tell what's happening over the internet, but it does seem clear that this little boy need to see a professional, GP/HV, someone, anyone to start picking apart the strands of what is happening and why.

If the parents aren't willing to take this forward, then I think your MIL should have a chat with someone herself. The earlier he has help the better the outcome is likely to be.

traceybath · 30/09/2009 11:57

Just to add that my HV told me that in my area what happens is at 2 years old if I'm still worried about DS's lack of speech they'll test for hearing.

If I'm then still worried when he's 3 he'll be referred for Speech therapy.

NorkilyChallenged · 30/09/2009 16:07

Fanjo - I really really hope I didn't upset you. I didn't mean to "blame the parents", I was trying really hard to phrase it well but I generally thought that the parents in this particular case sound like they may have a quite limited (for want of a better word) social life and interaction themselves which is all I meant. I honestly don't at all think "blame the parents". I feel in this particular case, there is almost more of an issue with the parents than with the child, if that makes sense?

FWIW, there is a child in my family with suspected developmental delay of this exact kind and in that case I know absolutely and firsthand that it is nothing to do with the parents or their parenting.

I do apologise though if my comments upset you.

ILC - yes, the development of speech can be connected to the same muscles as chewing/eating solids. Maybe he has some kind of physical issue. It's extremely difficult to broach though, even for your MIL who sounds like she is being sidelined.

Hopefully he will start speaking soon and there will be no issue at all. Or at least, by the time he goes to nursery, you know that outside agencies will be able to make an objective assessment of him then.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/09/2009 18:35

I actually believe that developmental delays are really very RARELY the fault of the parents, as you see so many children who don't have ideal parenting, almost being left to bring themselves up, and still manage to interact and communicate perfectly well.

And the reverse.

Seriously, blaming parents for any developmental delays is not a road I would ever go down, and that is speaking from experience.

Maybe parents can HELP the developmental delays but I think they hardly ever cause them.

Just my opinion though, am not offended

Original poster
lovechoc · 30/09/2009 18:53

I'm appreciating everyone's perspective here, and ofcourse I'm only getting snippets of what's been happening and trying to paint as accurate a pictures as I can. I'm not going down the road of 'blame the parents' for him turning out this way (that's just ridiculous) but I am saying that they're just leaving it and don't 'seem' to be getting him checked out (according to MIL). I'm certainly not having a dig at them, after all parenting is hard work for anyone! I can vouch for that, have had my own worries very occasionally with my own DS (have posted on MN for advice in the past), as I'm sure others have with their own DC.

I just hope things work out for this little boy and I will ask MIL if he's had a hearing test done yet. Seems unlikely though.

I won't be telling her I posted on a parenting website about the situation (she may take that the wrong way!) but because we are concerned I didn't know where else to turn. I will just explain that someone else posted about their DC and what advice was given from other posters.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/09/2009 19:18

Not all our friends are aware we are getting DD "checked out" but I am spending half my life with various professionals at the moment, BTW

linglette · 30/09/2009 19:53

"I will just explain that someone else posted about their DC and what advice was given from other posters"

yes, that's probably a good approach. You can back off then if it turns out you've gone further than allowed......

linglette · 30/09/2009 19:53

"I will just explain that someone else posted about their DC and what advice was given from other posters"

yes, that's probably a good approach. You can back off then if it turns out you've gone further than allowed......

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 30/09/2009 20:12

My ds is 2.2 and is only just, just starting to say a couple of words like "hiya" and "uh-oh" - he's babbling but this too is a fairly new development. His hearing is tiptop, we have no concerns about autism at all, he points at things, engages in play very well etc - he even makes up his own little signs for things rather than talk!

When he babbles he makes a whole range of sounds, all the components of words are there and we constantly talk and read to him - he just isn't too bothered about talking, I really think he's taking his sweet time.

We called a SALT after someone at mums and toddlers seemed concerned and gave us the number, haven't had an appointment through yet (very long waiting list) but tbh I'm not concerned, I spend 24 hours a day with him, I hear all his chatter and I can tell he's on his way now.

Maybe they too can see the little signs which show progress and that's why they aren't overly concerned either?

Original poster
lovechoc · 30/09/2009 20:28

yes but your DS is actually saying a few words, it's not like he isn't saying ANY words atall, JamesAndTheGiantBanana

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traceybath · 30/09/2009 20:35

But how do you actually know he doesn't say anything.

He may be shy around your mil and just retreat into himself when she's around. My DS says/babbles very little around other people. It takes him a while to warm to people.

Does your MIL see him a lot?

Original poster
lovechoc · 30/09/2009 20:40

MIL has asked them if he is talking yet and they said 'no', and then when she visits she sees for herself that he is saying no words yet. He babbles yes, but says no words at all. BIL told me only two weeks ago that he just babbles, isn't saying any words yet (DN, that is!).

MIL sees him about once a fortnight but phones to see how they all are about once a week.

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Swedes2Turnips0 · 30/09/2009 20:44

Lovechoc - You sound a bit sneering and disapproving of them to be honest. You haven't see the child for over a year, you clearly aren't close to them. So how on earth would you know whether or not he's making any progress?

Your MIL sounds like a bit of a boot. How charming to convince herself that her grandchild is autistic and relay that information to another daughter-in-law. Yeuch.

Fwiw - my DS3 is 2y3m and doesn't have that many words. But I am not in the least bit worried. He understands absolutely everything and he is extremely bright and sociable. My DD was the same. She is now 3y 10m and her language skills are truly excellent in spite of having virtualyl no words at 2y3m. I didn't ask for a referral as I didn't ever think there was anything wrong.

traceybath · 30/09/2009 20:46

If MIL is close to her son I think she should just ask/suggest that they mention it to the HV.

A speech delay doesn't mean necessarily that the child is slow or not bright - just that they process/develop things in a different way. Was the mother or father a late talker perhaps?

I was an early talker apparently but my DH only started talking at 2.5 years. So with me I've got the opposite problem, I worry about DS whose 21 months and MIL thinks I'm mad as neither of her son's spoke until late. Incidentally one's a GP and the other runs his own company - so pretty bright.

Its always very tricky though to try and raise a concern when you're the MIL.

ib · 30/09/2009 21:00

I can actually add something here because a similar situation led to an irrevocable breakdown in relations between me and previously very close ILs.

They became obsessed with measuring ds. First is was walking, then talking. They hassled that he wasn't doing enough of it/soon enough etc.

Eventually I felt that every time I left ds with them he was getting evaluated, to the point where he was coming back stressed. So I stopped them seeing ds on their own (to make a very long story very short).

They were totally wrong as it happens. Ds started walking at 13 months, talking a little after 2yo. But the fact that I now know that they do not trust me as a parent to monitor my child and intervene when I see fit (which may or may not be when they would do it) means that we will never have much of a relationship again.

Your nephew may well have problems. If so, his parents will have to deal with them. Trust me, any 'well meaning' intervention will not do anyone any favours. They are the parents, they are dealing with their ds as bet they can and they should be left alone to do it as they see fit. If you can't support what they are doing then stay out of it is not a bad way to deal with other people's parenting, imo.

Original poster
lovechoc · 30/09/2009 21:02

BIL doesn't really say much, he's never got much to say. It's all usually one-word responses.

Swedes2Turnips0 Actually I did make an effort with BIL and SIL but they never made an effort with us, to let cousins meet up or whatever. They are the ones alienating themselves, not us! Even MIL says they display some odd behaviours and don't really invite her over much, as well as other family members.

No idea if either was a late talker traceybath.

Yes, I know, she's in an awkward position so I've also asked DH to visit his brother and somehow broach the subject but he's to busy just now with work and study so it will have to wait. MIL has been skirting the issue, ofcourse how can anyone come right out with it??

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GirlsAreLOud · 30/09/2009 21:05

Oh dear, I was waiting for this thread to take this turn when I read it a few days ago.

Lovechoc, he's only 2.5, plus maybe he is saying words but people aren't distinguishing them. I'd just concentrate on your DS if I were you.

Original poster
lovechoc · 30/09/2009 21:06

ib I can see your point of view. and I'm trying to imagine myself in their position. I don't think PIL have ever looked after him on his own, perhaps once or twice in his life if that (only when absolutely essential and no one else to babysit!).

I am staying out of it, I haven't contacted them for the sole reason that they've made it quite clear to all family members that they don't want others to visit their home or they've no intentions of visiting others either. If family do visit it's only occasionally (apart from BIL's PILs).

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traceybath · 30/09/2009 21:10

Swedes - am reassured by your post about your DD and DS's speech.

Am starting to get a little sensitive by people's comments about how quiet DS2 is but I do ultimately think he'll talk in his own time.

Sorry to hijack.

OP - I'd tread very carefully about getting your DH to say anything. As I mentioned earlier - i think the fact you've already told the boy's father he's probably a bit slow in this area has already made them feel very defensive.