DD1 says preschool teacher smacked her. What do I do? Long, sorry.

[suiledonn]

DD1 is 3.4. She started pre-school on 1st of September, 3 days per week. She went the first week and although she cried when I left she got on OK. Unfortunately she became ill (asthma, chest infection) and so missed the full second week. I took her in on the Friday to talk to her teacher and she seemed excited about going back.

She went in with a bit of resistance on the Monday but didn't really want to go on Tuesday. I took her in and she was fine when I left. When I collected her she was really upset. I could only speak to the teacher briefly but she said dd had been crying on and off, refused to sit for her lunch and wouldn't do anything they asked her. She reassured me that this is common and said I should try to help her be more independent at home.

On Tuesday evening she was playing when DH and when he tickled her she started crying and said 'that's my sore arm that the teacher smacked'. She was really upset so I just comforted her and let it go.

Later on I sat down and asked her about it. She said the teacher wanted them to make a line and she wouldn't do it so the teacher smacked her. I thought maybe the teacher caught her by the arm to put her in the line but she demonstrated to me and it was clearly a smack.

DD couldn't go in on Wednesday because of an appointment so she is due to go back tomorrow. I have been worrying about it all week. It is the pre-school in the local primary school. We know loads of families who send their children there and have never heard a bad report. On the other hand it is not like dd ran out saying 'teacher smacked me'. She had a sore arm and was very clear in what she told me.

I know I need to speak to the teacher but what do I say? I can't walk in there accusing her on smacking but I believe dd that something happened. I am stressed out. I put off posting about this all week as I was trying to decide what is for the best.

DD clearly needs pre-school. She is very nervous around other children and very resistant to following rules etc so I think if she can settle in it would be very good for her.

Help. I am going round in circles.

Did the teacher pick her up by her arm?

My DD had her arm pulled out of the socket that way and was in a lot of pain.

Lots to think about here. Thanks for all your thoughts and advice.

I really want dd to be happy where ever we send her but as some posters pointed out sometimes our expectations are not met. I'm sure that most places are fine but I know sometimes smacking etc. can happen and that is why I will investigate before sending her in again.

lola Sorry to hear about your ds' experience. Hope he is having a better time now.

goblin Hope you ds is doing well now too.

Could I say to the teacher 'dd came home with a sore arm. She said she got a smack' and see how the teacher reacts?

She may say 'oh, childA smacked her in the line and we dealt with it' or she might immediately get defensive if she did smack dd

OR

Is it just better to be straight forward?

CybilLiberty '
Teachers do not behave like that with preschool children no matter how 'naughty' the child is'

I have to say I would have previously agreed with you but when ds1 was 3 and in nursery he came home and told me he never wanted to go back again, he was sobbing the reason behind this was the classroom assistant had smacked him and locked him in "a cupboard". I went to straight back to talk to her about it and she admitted she had put him in the library which was actually a cupboard, and shut the door but had not locked it. The reason he had thought it was locked was because the handle was at my shoulder height and so he couldn't get out, he was left there for 30 minutes.

So do go and talk to the teacher.

I hope it all goes well. I just wanted to make a point that sometimes it it the teacher who is in the wrong. In my experience though both as a parent and a teaher) they will do anything they can to cover their own backs. My Ds is fine now, but not at school, we turned to home ed after a couple more incidents at different schools.

suiledonn can you not talk to head of pre school? If you follow through with a complaint or anything along those lines, if the teacher did infact do anything wrong, she will have the opportunity to go to the head first to defend herself. That is what happened with us, the teaher ran crying to the head saying I had shouted at her (I hadn't, and had two other witnesses who overheard to say I hadn't) and it all got turned round on us so the school could avoid scandal. Be very afeful how you word things if you do talk to the teacher.

Its a hard call

If there is no smacking anywhere else she may be unsure, unused to rough and tumble.

Btw my 3yr old can lie quite well, so i dont fall for that line at all, but i know her and that she does, you know your child and if she does

Dd told me the other dxay someone hit her at preschool but the details were vague, i asked who and she said "the boy with the 'preschool logo' t-shirt" i asked if she told the teacher and she said yes, i asked what teacher did and she said nothing, i know that this wouldnt be true that they would talk to said child but dd may have forgotten/become distracted and not seen or whatever

Do you need her in preschool? My dd started at 2.11 with two weekly sessions, currently has 3 sessions but has managed to persuade me to have one full day a week soon, could you build up sessions more gradually

hi , yes she loves it , she only goes mon , tues , wed atm but i am thinking of sending her full time after Christmas as she loves it so much , see how it goes , she has a new "best friend" every day lol .
i agree with you taking a light approach with the teacher to start off with , but don't disregard your lo either as unfortunately i used to be a Montessori teacher myself before i had the dc's & i also left a couple of jobs because i did not like the way the staff treated the children , therefore i am a firm believer in listening to what children are telling you ,you know your dd better than anyone else so go with your gut instinct ,

I would agree with the advice to go in gently. My MIL still cringes with embarrassment at the memory of how she went steaming into dh's primary school to tell them off for giving her son wrestling lessons; of course, they hadn't been doing anything of the kind. That one was straight fantasy- nothing had happened at all at school to give rise to the idea.

littleducks At the moment she is booked in for 3 3-hours sessions per week. I don't 'need' her in pre school as such as I am SAHM but to be honest it was getting to the stage that we both need a break from each other. I have a 10 month old dd also and would love some time to focus just on her as dd1 can be very demanding (my fault completely ).

Also I think dd1 needs the social aspect of it. It is difficult to explain - she seems quite bright and very verbal - her speech, understanding, imagination and converation is very advanced although she is quite babyish is other ways. She already seems to be drawn towards slightly older children as she can communicate better with them so I feel she would get very frustrated if I put pre school off for a year and then school until the year after.

My daughter was smacked twice, aged 3 at her nursery.
It never occurred to me not to believe her.
I spoke to the (temp) teacher, and the head of the nursery, who denied it.
But it never happened again, strangely.....
(and I saw with my own eyes the same teacher slapping a child on the hands for not eating his lunch "properly".)
As pps have said, for your own piece of mind, you have to say something- not go in all guns ablazing- just, as someone has said, say "dd has worried me slightly by saying....." and see what their reaction is.

Good luck, it's a horrible situation to be in.

I am a bit embarrassed to say I don't really know the situation re: set up in the school. I'm not sure if it is supervised by the primary school or if the teacher just rents a room in the school. If it is totally independent the the teacher in question would be the 'head' IYKWIM so if I wish to take it further I'm not sure where I would turn.

On the other hand she has been in the school for years so if there was a history of problems I can't see the school allowing her to continue to have her pre-school under their roof. I will have to check it out.

Also, my friend's son goes there too. I can't decide whether to ask her to talk to him and see if he saw anything or just keep it private. I wouldn't want a 'suiledonn said the teacher smacks' story getting around our small rural community without all the facts.

I think you need to mention it to the teacher. It is bothering you, so I dont think you should ignore it, but I dont think you know enough to be sure its true either, IYSWIM.

One of my DDs used to say things like that at that age, that I knew werent true (ie saying things about other people, when those people hadnt been there, and I had been with her).

'small rural community'

God, we live in one of those, tread carefully with it all.

Is the pre school attached to a school? If so, go to the school head. If it is not, then one of the teachers will be the pre school leader, go to them.

Are the teachers from the community themselves? This was mainly the problem with my ds' school. They thought they were above everything. And I am afraid she was allowed to continue, while it has been my family who have been ostrasized and and gossiped about for the past three years, and are having to move from our dream home because of it.

I'd keep it private for now, especially in a small village. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how fast gossip spreads in these places.

lola The teacher is local - lives on our road actually although I don't know her socially. It is where my dh grew up.

I really need to go carefully. I don't feel I can discuss it with anyone around here as worried it will get out if I do and don't ant to ruin someone's reputation unnecessarily.

What a minefield. I am in a knot about it for days.

By the way neither my mother or my DH are taking it very seriously.

I would speak to the teacher directly, in the open-question kind of way you suggested: "dd came home upset the other day with a sore arm and said she'd been smacked", and just see what the teacher's response is.

I used to work in nurseries, and while I will say it's a very serious thing to hit a child in your care, and quite unlikely imo, it is of course possible. It's more possible that the teacher grabbed dd a bit roughly by her arm and pushed/pulled her. It's equally possible that dd's arm was hurt in an entirely different way not involving the teacher and in the general noise/busyness/newness of the situation dd got things a bit muddled in her head.

The teacher living local makes it so much harder. The one who dragged my ds across the playground lives across the road from us...and is also a school govenor (and alpha mum gossip ringleader).

My DH didn't take it seriously at first either, but he didn't want to rock the boat.

Believe me, if your area is anything like mine and various other rural places I have lived, it won't be the teachers reputation you would ruin, so don't worry about that.

You do need to get to the bottom of things though if it is making you feel so bad. You know your dd, and you need to go with your gut insinct on this one.

Has you dd only mentioned it the once? Have you tried asking her about it gently when she is haapy and relaxed, like after a story or after messing about with her? I don't mean push and question her, but I found with ds, that if he was happy, relaxed and a bit distracted, if I asked him things in a head on but friendly way, he would usually just answer off the bat. I still do it now, give him a big bowl of ice cream, share a few jokes and then ask him whats up.

Also, something stuck out in your OP "she said dd had been crying on and off, refused to sit for her lunch and wouldn't do anything they asked her". My ds was just like this, over and over. We were told how naughty and defiant he was etc, he was just extremily unhappy at pre school and this was how he was showing it (it is how he explains his behavouir at pre school/reception to us now at 7 years old, he still remembers how he felt). It was a vicious cycle, he would act out because he was unhappy, the staff would 'punish' him, which would make him more unhappy and dislike them more and the cycle continued. The difference with my ds was though, he didn't act like that at home.

Minefield is certainly the right way to decribe it! Did you get a handbook when she started pre school? Does that tell you who the point of contact would be for complaints etc?

i think the best thing to do would be to speak to the teacher tomorrow morning , see what she says , is your dd nervous about going back in there tomorrow ?

elmo I haven't mentioned school to her at all the last few days. We were at a wedding so we were away for a few days and I wanted her to enjoy the holiday.

I don't think I will send her tomorrow. I am going to go and see the teacher first. She can go Tues, Wed, Thur this week if everything is ok.

You need to speak to someone higher than the teacher, they will have a child protection policy. It may be that you DD has the wrong story, or it may not. At the moment she has given you no reason to disbelieve her (especially as you have stated she is always very honest), the only thing that seems to be stopping you is the fact that the persn is a teacher and therefore good, caring, responsible. Yes in the majority of cases, but there are always exceptions. Imagine the story but replace teacher with scary looking man in the park...is it your stereotype of teachers thats preventing you from immedietely taking this further? What your DD has said is very serious. Whether it is true or not needs to be investigated.

just a thought but maybe it might be good to send her in tomorrow just to keep in with her routine ... also it would give you a perfect chance to ask her teacher for a quick word while your dropping dd off , it would look like more of a casual query that way , iykwim

Just asked MIL who is local and she said the teacher in question rents the room from the school so she is independent from them.

There is no policy regarding complaints etc. stated in the handbook so not sure what I will do if not satisfied when I speak to her.

I'm going to try to forget about it for now and speak to her tomorrow.

Thanks again everyone.

If you know a child you don't have to mention smacking. Just say your child has a sore arm and ask if anyone saw what happened. If the teacher hit them the child will probably say that - and also say if your child was being naughty.

You may find everyone else in the village already knows exactly what happened.

Getting young children to draw pictures of school or play school with their dolls can also be very informative as they copy what they see. You may have to ask what the pictures are though.