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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I wouldn't go so far as to call the playdate a complete disaster, but....

54 replies

Earlybird · 12/09/2009 18:28

...would like some impartial feedback and advice please.

DD and I were invited to join a group of my friends at a ticketed evening festival held in an enclosed section of a park. So that dd would have someone to play with, we invited one of her good school friends to come along. So far, so good....

Shortly after we arrived, we happened to see three families whose children are in dd (and her friend's) year at the same school. DD and her pal (call her E) were thrilled to see these other children, and before we knew it, they were all running around and larking about. So far, so good......

About an hour in, dd came to say that she couldn't find E, and had been looking for quite a while. I came to look and after a good half hour of searching with torches in the dark, we discovered E in a far away grove of trees 'having a talk' with one of the boys from school. I said to E that it wasn't right to disappear in that way because we had been concerned, and that now found, she needed to come out and play with dd and the group. The children all ran off, until.....

10 minutes later, dd came to me in tears saying E and the boy were running away from her, and once again, she couldn't find them. When they hadn't appeared within another 10 minutes (or so), dd and I began searching once again for E and the boy. The boy's father joined in. We searched for over an hour, until finally the boy's father found them 'hiding and talking' around the back of a building.

I was furious at E's behaviour, and concerned for dd. Neither of us had a nice evening, as most of it was spent looking for E.

How would you have handled it in the moment? Would you have said anything to E? Should I say something to her Mum (who is a fairly good friend of mine)? I'm still fuming at E's treatment of dd and quite frankly, me. I certainly hadn't intended to spend the evening comforting dd and searching for E.

BTW, dd, E and friends are 8 and 9 years old.

OP posts:

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Original poster

Earlybird · 12/09/2009 19:21

TBH, it had never occured to me that E's mum would be unhappy with me. It was her daughter who behaved badly - toward me, and poor dd who was ignored and left behind the entire night.

OP posts:

waitingforbedtime · 12/09/2009 19:22

You really need to tell her mum and apologise to her imho.

Merrylegs · 12/09/2009 19:24

Hmm. Well, first. You invited E as a playmate for your DD. BUT that was your agenda, not E's. When she found someone she would rather play with, she did. It wasn't her job to look after your DD.

Were you perhaps a little bit 'fuming' because she was hiding with a boy and that when you dropped her home her mum was out and only teenagers were in to take delivery of her?

Are you perhaps judging a teensy bit?

Kids in a park at night are going to run around madly screaming, hiding and generally being excited. Sure she should have come when you called her, but equally you should have kept a closer eye on the situation.

I would put it down to experience and be thankful she turned up safe.

abra1d · 12/09/2009 19:25

I think it's a little harsh to blame the OP for the girl running off. The child was naughty. Full stop. The mother would have not reason to be angry with the OP.

Goblinchild · 12/09/2009 19:26

Earlybird, the only way you'll know the answer to your question is to go and complain to your friend about her daughter's behaviour.
Then listen to her reaction.
Then ask other friends what she's saying about you next week, and your DD what E is saying about the party and getting lost/hiding at school.

ingles2 · 12/09/2009 19:26

Agree with the majority. If you are responsible for someone else's chid you should have kept them close by at all times and not given them the opportunity to wander off.
I'd mention it to the mum but don't place the blame anywhere as you might find it comes back and bites you on the arse.

RumourOfAHurricane · 12/09/2009 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Earlybird · 12/09/2009 19:27

Perhaps also worth adding that we live in a fairly rural area, and this enclosed field is also rural. Hence, my feeling (and that of the other parents) that it is 'safe'.

Obviously, this sort of 'freedom to roam' would never be OK in a city setting.

Maybe we were foolish to allow them out of our sight at all.

OP posts:

waitingforbedtime · 12/09/2009 19:27

PS Also, the mum should make her apologise to you but she may or may not...

limonchik · 12/09/2009 19:29

"You invited E as a playmate for your DD. BUT that was your agenda, not E's. When she found someone she would rather play with, she did. It wasn't her job to look after your DD."

I think this might be the reason you're so angry. E was naughty in running off but not outrageously so - you invited her to keep your DD occupied so you could enjoy the evening, and she failed to do that. Maybe you feel a bit that E didn't hold up her end of the bargain with you getting her a ticket?

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 12/09/2009 19:29

I think that when you are in charge of someone else's child you have to be more careful than you might be with your own.

Goblinchild · 12/09/2009 19:31

Would you still feel the same way if she'd been hurt or gone properly missing?

abra1d · 12/09/2009 19:32

'Maybe you feel a bit that E didn't hold up her end of the bargain with you getting her a ticket? '

I'd be hacked off too and think that she was a rude little monkey. And not invite her again.

Original poster

Earlybird · 12/09/2009 19:52

First - not judging the other Mum at being out/not home when E was dropped off. I was disappointed at not being able to speak to her about what transpired when it was 'fresh' , but she is allowed a social life, and certainly is not accountable to me!

As far as my 'agenda' for inviting E to accompany us - it was intended to be a time for E and dd to spend time together outside school doing something fun. I think when you are invited somewhere (and you accept) you are the guest, and that comes with certain obligations. It is basic good manners to spend time with your host! Absolutely E would not be expected to play with dd if we had simply bumped into her at a playground. But when you are invited somewhere, it is rude (and a bit mean) to run off and ignore the person who has invited you. If E didn't want to spend time with dd (which is fine), the invitation should not have been accepted.

I still like E, but think that last night was a lesson for dd about how she does/doesn't want to be treated. Friendships flourish or die based on how people treat each other, and how you allow others to treat you. I know E is only 9, but her behaviour toward dd was unkind.

OP posts:

FimbleHobbs · 12/09/2009 19:58

I'd have been hacked off with E.

Bit surprised at all the people saying the children shouldn't have been allowed out of your sight - blimey I have let my 4 year old out of site playing with new friends on a campsite - its how children grow up isn't it, giving them bits of freedom at a time?

Don't see how E's mum can blame you for her daughter ignoring your instructions and deliberately going off to hide behind a building.

As you are fairly good friends, I would mention it. Purely because I hope that if my child acted up when someone else was looking after them, that person would tell me.

Original poster

Earlybird · 12/09/2009 20:01

abra1d - I gladly paid for E's entrance ticket, her drinks, and her souvenirs. I invited her, so that is part of being host. But it did cost me 15 pounds to bring her along!

Ultimately there was very little enjoyable about the evening for dd or me, so it was a wasted evening for all involved.

OP posts:

Original poster

Earlybird · 12/09/2009 20:06

FimbleHobbs - yes, it is very tricky to know when you are being irresponsible letting children out of your sight because their safely is potentially at risk, and when/how you begin to allow them a bit of independence.

I also want to say that I think it is unfair of those who are critical because I 'lost' E - she was hiding, and doing a good job of it too!

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 12/09/2009 20:16

FimbleHobbs. I too have let my son wander in the dark with a torch and out of my sight. He's mine, I know him and what he can handle. But I wouldn't do it with him and a friend without keeping tabs on them.

Original poster

Earlybird · 12/09/2009 21:58

If it matters, both dd and E had torches.....

OP posts:

Merrylegs · 12/09/2009 22:11

I think you are investing a maturity in E that she doesn't yet have.

She wasn't at your home, or at DD's birthday party.

She was at an open event in a park, and whilst you may have realised the significance of inviting her along as a friend for your DD, and indeed you may have said to DD 'let's invite E to keep you company,' E obviously didn't.

Perhaps that should have been explained to her on condition of accepting the ticket?

You say the other children you met there were in your DD's class. So why did your DD feel the need to insist that E stuck with her? Surely there were others she could have played with?

You are right to be annoyed with E for hiding from you, especially if you had said to her "I am responsible for you this evening so please answer when I call you,", but I think what rankles most is that your plan for E's role in the evening didn't turn out as expected.

abra1d · 12/09/2009 22:30

'abra1d - I gladly paid for E's entrance ticket, her drinks, and her souvenirs. I invited her, so that is part of being host. But it did cost me 15 pounds to bring her along!'

I was agreeing with you--wasn't that clear in my two posts!

ravenAK · 12/09/2009 22:40

I think the OP's getting a bit of a hard time here.

If it was a fenced area of a local park, I'd expect 9 year olds with torches to be safe & just 'checking in' with me every half hour.

& if a child who was my guest legged it & hid, causing an hour's worth of unnecessary upset, I'd think they'd been a thorough going PITA.

I wouldn't bother speaking to the mum, because I'd not particularly want to have that argument AND I'd not especially want to drop E in it - I'd've told her myself I was cross & left it there - but I might not be keen to be responsible for E again.

famishedass · 12/09/2009 22:50

Were the adults drinking? Are you annoyed because you had to get up and look for kids instead of socialising with the other adults.

Original poster

Earlybird · 12/09/2009 22:56

Adults not drinking.

I didn't mind keeping an eye on E, or even going to look for her. What I minded was having to look/worry for a long time (especially when she admitted she had been hiding), and I minded that she 'dumped' dd for almost the entire evening.

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 12/09/2009 23:09

if i was E's mum id be quite upset.
maybe after 'losing' her the first time you should have realised that she needed a bit more watching than your dd.to lose her twice is a bit shocking but then to blame her is .

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