Discipline for 20 month old ?

[PoppyField]

Hi,

Our gorgeous 20 mth DD knows very well when she is being naughty.. particular things include bashing the TV, sweeping food onto the floor and making puddles by tipping her beaker upside down around the house.

I think it may be time to have some rules and then some sanction e.g. a naughty step or a 'sin bin' (- we have a playpen which we use as a fireguard at the moment that could be deployed) - but I'm not sure if this is too early or too severe. DD is very verbal and very cheerful most of the time, we have only had a few tantrums...so far.

I am concerned that we don't come down too heavy as she's still young. On the other hand we don't want bad habits established now, especially when she knows exactly what she's doing. I want me and DH to agree what we do and how we do it before embarking on this, so we can at least be consistent.

And is it possible to stay calm and controlled in these situations? Sometimes we do rush around going 'No No No No!!' and doing blue-arsed fly stuff instead, which I know probably gives her the attention she delights in.

Any thoughts and suggestions gratefully received. Thanks,

Poppy

P.s. She's just got a little brother as well, which might be adding spice to the mix. He's 12 weeks old.

i'm not a parent so i can't give you an opninon from that point of view, but i do work in a nursery where i have looked afe 1-2 years and 2-3, which you lovely one fits into. I would say give her a warning, then time her out and ignore her when she is in that time out, obviously don't ignore her if she is running away making it into a game, or getting into a dangerous situation e.t.c but do be firm, she needs to learn the rules and she def knows at that age that she is pushing it.

we have a time out mat, you could use the play pen cause then she can't escape it, but i would suggest a step or a mat that you put on the floor. Although she is still oung and she prob won't remember what she's done wrong ten minutes later, so short and sweet is my suggestion

i hate time out, and i think she is too young as well.

she is doing those things because she is 20 months old, and putting her in time-out isn't going to stop her. she's doing it because she's learning about the world and that's an important thing for her to do.

ateotd you want to teach her not to do them because it isn't a nice thing to do, not because you'll ignore her or put her in isolation if she does them.

I would prevent and distract.
give her less food at a time so she can't sweep it onto the floor.
take the beaker away if she starts tipping it up etc etc

i'm just re-reading a book called unconditional parenting atm, and remembering why I like it so much, so would highly recommend it! lol

cookielove you say

"Although she is still oung and she prob won't remember what she's done wrong ten minutes later"

so how on earth will any kind of love-withdrawal technique work? the child will surely be left thinking "hmm, sometimes mum sticks me in here and ignores me and I have no idea why"

great way to build a good relationship with your kids.

I was just going to post on here with exactly the same question, if I tell DS (19 months) he is naughty it doesn't mean anything to him becuase there are no consequences becuase i don't know how to discipline him. If i shout at him or say no he just laughs at me. He will be getting a baby brother as well soon so it could get worse then. Sorry i can't give an answer but would like to know anything that works. By the way I agree with the time out idea but thought he might be too young.

sorry forgot to say i am trying distraction but it doesn't always work, especially when he's being naughty becuase he has to do something he doesn't want to e.g. changing nappy.

with a wee baby on the scene i would go very veeeeery gently on her. she wants your attention, she wants you to look at what she's doing and put down the baby and she doesn't care how she achieves it.
imo you need to be more proactive in including her, praise her more not less etc. i know it's difficult, especially cos the age gap is pretty small. perhaps you shoudl ask people for advice about dealing with that, rather than discipline?

sorry, on him, not her.

Post on this thread - there are some fab creative ideas coming up on there, thanks to the collective wisdom

but i don't think they're being naughty. they're just doing 19/20m things

what you need to think about is what you want them to learn from the situation.
do you want to teach them that certain things are unacceptable because things will break/it isn't very nice'/they'll hurt themself

or do you want them to learn that if they do certain things then you'll be mean to them?

it's ok for there to be no consequences. it's ok for them to laugh at you.
you're teaching them not to do something, you don't have to punish them as well

My DD is also 20 months and also takes delight in spilling her water and sweeping her food on the floor.

I know only too well from personal experience that if you make a fuss over these things you can create more problems in the long run.

If my DD starts to spill her drink I get the message, I've had enough now, so I remove the drink. If she sweeps her food on the floor, same thing, but in the first place I only put a very small amount of food in front of her, as too much can be overwhelming.

Try not to react, I know it's hard! The worst prob I have with my DD is her climbing antics, I can ignore most things but the risk of her falling and hurting herself by falling over the side of the sofa onto hard wooden floors!!! She makes me a bag of nerves at times!

oh gosh yes TOTALLY agree that it's often a sign that they're finished. and if it isn't, they soon learn that they'll be finished if they do it. likewise agree with the small amount of food.

If she's doing these things on purpose for attention, then I'd go for a multipronged approach. Try and give more positive attention. Try and distract when it looks like she might start playing up, hopefully avoiding the negative behaviour. And finally install some sort of discipline technique, whatever works for you.

Personally we use a time out technique. DD is warned not to do something because of whatever reason, I tell her what I want her to do instead, then I give her to the count of 3. On 3 she is removed calmly to sit in the hall for 1 min. Then I go out and explain that I got cross because she was doing x and didn't stop when I asked her to. Then she says sorry, and we have a cuddle and go and play together. In the beginning she was sat in the hall a couple of times a day as she was testin me out. Now its very rare and I mostly just have to ask if "mummy needs to count to 3?" and thats enough. It means you can tackle unwanted behaviour calmly without shouting and getting everyone stressed. IMO it is important to instill some sort of discipline in the early days over the seemingly little things, then when they start doing more dangerous things like running away in public, the technique is already in place. We started this when she was about 18mo so it should work with your 20mo. Good luck

'instill some sort of discipline in the early days over the seemingly little things'

But then what do you do over the 'big' things??? It really ISN'T worth making a fuss over the small things, you can ultimately create a self fulfilling prophecy........I'm told I'm bad- therefore I must be bad.

Heinz, I quite agree, which is why I don't make a fuss, don't need to. I'd never tell a child they were "bad", who would?

It's not telling your child they're bad, more demonstrating they're bad by giving them time out etc over small things.

I do understand what you're saying adn what you're trying to achieve, but like I said in my earlier post, I know from personal experience with my eldest (now 12) that picking up on the small things ultimately made his behaviour a lot worse.

Listen to Heinz sight she sounds sensible to me!
I do time out for my DD about to turn 2 and have done for a while, but for certain things only e.g. she hits/bites another child. It fits the crime - if you can't play nicely with other children you'll have to sit on your own.
Things like deliberate water and food spilling don't need a time out you just say "I don't want to have to clean that up so if you do it again I'll take it off you" look away so it's not a confrontation or dare competition and the moment it is repeated remove the drink/food and say "I told you that's what I'd do". It's not a big deal so no need to make it one with a time out, but also no need to tolerate things that are annoying and cause you more work.
Bashing the tv is easy too, do it again and I'll have to switch it off, bash, off, do something else. If it causes a tantrum you just say "I did tell you that's what I'd do. Once you've finished crying you can come and draw pictures with me" ignore and the tears will quickly go.
My dd's doll hit her face as she moved it the other day and so she put her on the mat until she said sorry. I tried not to laugh as I squeaked "sorry" on the doll's behalf.

By seemingly small things, I mean damaging property etc ie nothing life threatening.

DS is 20 months and we are going through all the same but I can't imagine putting him in time out tbh, even though we used it with his older DD, who is now 3.9, but we probably didn't use it until she was over 2 - and her language was more developed too, which somehow felt relevant.

I just persist with the eye contact on his level, a stern no, and then remove the think he's misbehaving with (the toys he's thrown, the cup he's pouring from etc).

Good luck - pick your battles. You've enough on your hands with your new LO. Just take it easy over the next couple of months

Best advice I've seen on here is "will it matter when she's 18". Helps put things into perspective. She won't pour juice on the floor when she's 3 - I promise. It won't be interesting - she'll more likely be upset if she spilled her drink, because at that age they are trying so hard to be "grown up". It goes in developmental stages. It doesn't stand that "uncorrected" behaviour now will stick around forever. It's not bad habits, it's just learning...

Hope that helps.

you aren't telling your child they're bad, but it's the message they are receiving.

love-withdrawal methods are flawed. they don't help long-term and they don't create the kind of response most parents hope for.

your child complies because she knows if she doesn't you will forcibly isolate her. she doesn't stop because she knows what she is doing is "wrong"

and the more you try and control their behaviour the more they will find other ways of rebelling.

Oh, I do a count of 3 with my DD too, but again make it fit. e.g. If you don't start brushing your teeth after I count to 3 I'll do it for you. If you don't put your shoes back on you'll have to go inside. If you don't come here and put your coat on I'll have to come and get you so I'll be too cross to do "round the garden" when I do it" Either way the outcome is something that makes us all happy.

Ok, I'll leave you to it, safe in the knowledge that my unloved child who is forcibly isolated at least once a month will turn into a horror anyday now.

no-one is saying that you don't love your child.

but that is the message that your child gets. a 20 month old is incapable of comprehending the fact that you love her despite doing mean things to her.
and forcible isolation, or time-out (cos a nice name does make it ok right??) IS a method of punishment known as "love-withdrawal"

sorry but i don't agree with time-out for this age. and especially not the play pen. what we did with our dcs- and it worked - was trying to demostrate that if they ignore the rules they loose out. i.e. for a 20 mnths who throws the beaker maybe you can give first a warning and say 'if you throw it again i ll not pick it up and give it to you'. then if she does it again you calmly say 'well, its gone now. because you threw it on the floor'. Tbh even this it might be to much for a 20mnth. It depends how much the child understands, and you are the only one who know this.

I disagree Thisisyesterday. If she's not able to comprehend that you love her despite you being mean- and for what it's worth I think I need to be mean at times to stop her being mean to others (my time out is for hitting/biting/pushing/pinching/scratching), then how can you expect her to be in a position that she even questions your love??
I remember being a child, my Mum NEVER said she loved me and occasionally we were sent to our rooms for things but I don't remember EVER thinking "My Mum doesn't love me"