Others losing pateince with my daughters hitting

[karyncake]

My little girl is 18 months old, very busy, active and entertaining yet for the past 10 months also aggressive. I have been very consistant with telling her no, giving her less attention and more attention to her victim and I trust that eventually she will grow out of it. However, I feel my friends with babies her age are losing patience. For example the other night we had some friends round for dinner and she was in the hallway with her little buddy and having bopped him on the head at least 30 times that day she went up to him and pushed him over from behind. His dad came over picked up his son, declared loudly that she is a bully and stormed off. I felt awful and told her no again but know she will do it again as soon as she gets the chance. I have read up on it a lot and know there are so many reasons for this behaviour and I can also see it comes in waves where it gets excessive along with her being extra clingy, whingey and finally getting those back teeth to boot. Why does it seem that out of all the mums I meet up with my girl is the only one with this issue?
Does anyone know a rough age when this behaviour is outgrown?

Your dd is not the only one! I have met plenty of toddlers who do this kind of thing. Think it's a bit harsh that other parents are being so non-understanding tbh - I mean, are their children always perfect angels? )

I would keep doing what you're doing - saying "no" in very firm voice, praising her when she plays nicely, etc. I would also start actually removing her from the room when she hits/pushes and explain why you're doing it.

Good luck, it won't last forever!

Just to add one thing - sorry if this sounds blunt, but actually I do think letting her "bop him on the head at least 30 times" is pretty lax on your part - did you see this happening without intervening? Tbh I'd be a bit if someone did this to my child and the parent just sat there.

But maybe you did try and intervene?

30 times in one day ! I'd lose patience too. Who exactly is supervising to allow it to happen that much.

I agree that it is quite normal for children to do this -although I know that doesn't make us mums of hitters feel any better.

Ds used to do this and it was so tiring following him around trying to jump in before he made contact.

It will pass as she matures. Ime most children go through some sort of anti-social stage so those who frowned on your dd will have the experience of this at some point too.

I found this. Not sure if it will give you any new ideas. {I do remember reading the article before and having a slight smile about it!}

When other children hit or pushed my 2 when they were little, it was not a problem as far as I was concerned as long as the parents were there being apologetic on their child's behalf and looking as though they were attempting to deal with it. The worst situations were when parents just ignored it.

Thanks for your replies. Of course I intervene as soon as I see that look in her eyes and most of the time I can stop her before she actually hits anyone but she is quick! One minute she is playing nicely and the next she looks up and just slaps on the top of their heads. I always tell her no pick her up and move her away and direct my attention to him/her. But I find that she knows she gets a reaction and she seems to like it. I never just sit there "allowing" it to happen.
I was sort of hoping this is normal but from reading some of your reactions I am starting to worry that I am raising a psychopath!

i would shadow her more closely if at all possible
you say she likes the reaction - preventing her from doing it will prevent the reaction
grab her and distract every time she is about to do it
or if you find it too difficult / wearing to be right with her when you have company, then i would avoid having friends round for a while

How would you like your little girl being hit on the head 30 times in a day? I am amazed that you don't realize that this is unacceptable.

"Told her no" is obviously not working. You need to come up with something better.

Do you have any like minded friends in a similar situation who understand? I have a very close friend who has a dd 6 months younger than my ds and they were teriible at your dd's age, really aggressive with each other.

We made a concious decision to supervise them well and deal with the behaviour consistantly without us falling out. We intervened if behaviour was violent but we also decided (after a while!) to give them the chance to disagree without us poking our noses in and sorting things for them. I admitt this was only after they were both fully verbal so older than your dd is now. It worked a treat in the end although it was a rocky road at times. We thought they were destined to hate each other but they both name each other as best friends now.

We even involved HV at one point who agreed we were dong the right thing and said the worst possible thing you could do was stop the child from socialising and I'm inclined to agree. They have both had their moments with other children as well but at 3 are no longer like it at all. They can even be trusted to play alone upstairs! It's hard you just have to be on the ball to intervene.

There isn't always much you can do. My DS1 was hitting for about 6 months from age 2 and it was a horrible experience for everyone. We tried

1. Saying NO
2. Telling off
3. Warning that we would leave if there was any hitting (and carrying through)
4. Taking out of the room to calm down

Nothing made a difference. He just grew out of it one day. I don't think he had much impulse control before then. TBH the only acceptable thing to do is hover over them 100% of the time and stop the hitting before it happens.

Another thing to remember is that sometimes hitting is another way of telling you they are unhappy in some way - hungry, thisty, tired or just overwhelmed with the number of people around etc. We left playgroup loads of times because I could tell he had just had enough.

My ds was exactly like that at 18 months. He's two and a half now and is fine, but it felt like that stage went on forever.

Feedthegoat's advice is very good. Tbh I used to avoid situations where there would be lots of other toddlers because it was just too stressful. We went through a particularly trying phase where he would make a big song and dance about hitting children and then saying sorry and cuddling them (forcefully ). I would downplay it with her as much as possible, and try to pre-empt it when you can. Easier said than done I know.

It will pass, I promise.

"the worst possible thing you could do was stop the child from socialising and I'm inclined to agree."

if the child is hitting over 30 times a day i would suggest she may be feeling overwhelmed by the situation
it won't hurt to have a break from seeing other children - would be less stressful for the OP as well

My dd is 19 months old and I'm not saying she is an angel but I have never seen her hurt another child. Most of her little friends are very affectionate too. I'm not sure if it's luck. We rarely have any trouble at the very big and hectic toddler group we go to.

A very close friend of mine has a 2 year old who has been battering my dd for many, many months and I find we are now avoiding each other which is very sad. My dd looks so confused and upset when she gets hit and I can't bear it. I can actually see the other parents point of view here.

If my dd did start being rough I would remove her from the room/situation each time until she got the message. I'm sure your little girl will grow out of it soon.

Allegrogirl, having been in the position of that parent, I am pretty sure she feels awful. I found it really upsetting that my DS hit other children, and would hate seeing the reaction of other parents. Why don't you talk to her about it?

Bloody hard situation.

None of mine have been hitters so can't relate but I would been mighty pissed off if mine had been hit loads of times ,let alone 30x.

I agree with the poster that said you need to catch her before she does it.

I had a friend with a little girl exactly like this at about 18 months. She was obviously very bright and hit the testing boundaries stage way before most of her peers- which made some of said peers' parents very judgemental as they did not yet have the experience of their child being similarly challenging. It was very difficult for her parents as she absolutely did not have the emotional intelligence and impulse control to go with her super brain power and things like time out/explaining rules/etc were useless as she was too young to understand. Constant, tiring vigilance was the only effective response really. And avoiding crowded, overwhelming situations with lots of kids, especially at times when she was tired. The good news is that a year or so later she had entirely come through the hitting phase, just as many other people's kids were starting to experiment with it.

Tattycoram the friend in question has been avoiding me. I got cross when first her dd then her friends dd flattened mine in the space of 5 minutes leaving her hysterical. I have tried talking to her but she was heavily pregnant and not wanting to deal with discussing it.

She's just had the baby and still not talking to me. I hope we can resolve it somehow. Who knew that playground politics would start so young.

that's a shame. I hope you can work it out.

I hope I didn't sound judgemental, it was a "I know she'd really appreciate it if you said something supportive" rather than a "just make the effort to talk to her" suggestion, iyswim.

I'd like to be supportive but we've never really talked about it. How do you bring it up without sounding critical of her parenting skills?

I agree totally with Franny.

Unfortunately for you the only thing you can do that will stop this is to shadow her all the time. She simply can't be left unsupervised or out of your arm's reach. Yes that's very wearing indeed for you but this phase simply won't last forever.

In our group we had a mum who had a similar difficulty with her boy and while I admired her saint-like patience and I applauded her with all my might for never smacking this child, she WAS annoyingly ineffectual because she persisted in thinking she could be like many other mums who could sit and drink coffee while the toddlers played

It simply isn't the case with some

She needs you to police her.

I also agree with what Franny said about seeing people less. Again, very hard on you in some ways but easier in that you can avoid the problem!

Also might be worth thinking about meeting friends swimming; swimming is a brilliant activity for toddlers, they love it, get tired, and are too distracted to thump eachother!

my dd is a hitter. It is awful. However i rarely let her hit, shipping her away as she raises her hand, but if she does get there i shout LOUDLY a very firm NO. I then remove her from the other child and make a HUGE fuss of the other child, kissing, cuddling, saying sorry. I then ask dd to come and say sorry whcih she does, she often chooses to give the other child a cuddle too.

It IS reducing. she is now 20 months old. Very often she will go to hit, i will yell like a banshee whilst running full speed towards her, and she will cuddle the other child instead.

It is a nightmare, but for my dd it is not about being overwhelmed, it is her need to control, and frustration that she can't explain what she wants.

I need to get out of the house, and to other todler groups, for me isolation would be extreme punishment

yes on the socialising thing I think it is much over-rated for pre-schoolers!

They would have enough socialising just from the general family activities of the week - shopping, library, bill paying, whatever; and maybe one activity like swimming

Its a very tricksy situation.

I understand how the other parent feels but feel the use of the word 'bully' was over the top for an 18 month old.

But as others have said you need to shadow her constantly until she's out of this phase. I'd do lots of praise when she is good, demonstrate using 'gentle hands' but firmly tell her no when she does hit. I'd also remove her from a place, eg, toddlers if she did hit.

I cope with aggressive children as long as the parents are trying but like others have said you can't just leave her to play - you've got to be there by her side anticipating what she's about to do. I know its hard work but 'this too shall pass'.

There is obviously a difference of opinion on the socialising thing which is fair enough. I just personally feel that my ds used to hit out of frustration and to get his own way. He is an only child and I honestly think if I hadn't persisited with the whole thing and actually taught him that it is not the way to do things he would probably be like it now (which he definately isn't!). I agree you can't just allow a child to hit but personally believe it's worth persisiting with the methods of distraction, removal and time out and actually teaching them it is wrong.

I dont think I could handle it if we didnt socialise. I need it as much as anyone would. We do go swimming and I take her out for long walks on her own everyday but like someone else said it is definately a control thing. Having spoke to my husband tonight he remembers it as only (??) 10 times she hit her friend rather than my 30 and I am including the times that I have caught her arm just before she did it so please dont think I am just sat there with a clipboard keeping count. My friend and I are very close and comfortable dealing with this together as we have been meeting up since our babies were just a few weeks old and my daughter sees her as family. It just made me feel like I have really messed up somewhere to hear my daughter being called a bully already by my friends other half. my daughter always asks to see her little friend and when she is in a good mood she can be very affectionate to him, maybe a bit too much even!
This night in particular though was not her best and I would like to add that all this went on over the course of 8 hours not just a play date which might not be the best thing for a toddler I know but it was a treat to have both families together (or so we thought). My daughter has been hit and pushed at playgroups too and I know it is upsetting to see. I have always felt confident in my parenting but its suprising how a few comments and judgements can leave you wondering what your doing wrong.