Others losing pateince with my daughters hitting

[karyncake]

My little girl is 18 months old, very busy, active and entertaining yet for the past 10 months also aggressive. I have been very consistant with telling her no, giving her less attention and more attention to her victim and I trust that eventually she will grow out of it. However, I feel my friends with babies her age are losing patience. For example the other night we had some friends round for dinner and she was in the hallway with her little buddy and having bopped him on the head at least 30 times that day she went up to him and pushed him over from behind. His dad came over picked up his son, declared loudly that she is a bully and stormed off. I felt awful and told her no again but know she will do it again as soon as she gets the chance. I have read up on it a lot and know there are so many reasons for this behaviour and I can also see it comes in waves where it gets excessive along with her being extra clingy, whingey and finally getting those back teeth to boot. Why does it seem that out of all the mums I meet up with my girl is the only one with this issue?
Does anyone know a rough age when this behaviour is outgrown?

IME, and my friends with aggressive dcs, they get much better around 2 1/2. I don't think it's anything to do with your parenting - it's just the luck of the draw. It could be worse - I had a biter. How you deal with it though, is a test of your parenting. I found that it was best to view it as damage control until ds outgrew the behaviour. So, as everyone says, don't let dd out of your reach when she is around other children. If she does hit someone, make sure the other parent knows that you are upset about it and trying to do something about it. Avoid situations where it is harder to control her. I always found that having people over to our place was the hardest. Your attention is distracted, because you are trying to entertain the parents, your dd may be territorial and, even if she isn't, she won't be distracted by her familiar toys like she may be out. It is much easier to meet in a neutral space or go to other people's houses. If we did have people at our house, and ds started hitting the other child a lot we would do our best to separate them. We would either put ds in front of tv or dh or I would take him off. Not much fun for anyone, really.

It might be easier to take her to group activities where the other children are older. She might be more careful with them, and even if she does hit them the parents probably won't be as concerned. You can't stop socialising, but you may want to avoid situations where you feel that other parents are overly critical or unsupportive even when you are doing your best. I stopped taking ds to tumbletots when I realised we were both having a miserable time but we kept doing other group activities.

The only thing that has worked for us is telling DD that if she hits / pushes we will leave and then following through. After a few instances of having to leave peoples houses / the playground / soft play etc after 5 minutes she does get the message that it's unacceptable. It's a pain for you as a parent but actually I find it pretty awful sticking around somewhere when DD is behaving badly so leaving can be better for everyone! We obviously tell her off and do time out as well but the leaving thing seems to be the only thing that works (I guess because she cares about that and she doesn't really care about being told off).

Sorry you are having a hard time at the moment. (And apologies in advance for my rusty English).

I very much believe in the "Alfie Kohn" approach of considering how to make our children considerate and caring.

I.e. (and I think you dd is old enough for this - my dd´s are 3y and 19m) she should understand that she must stop hitting because it hurts the other child, NOT because otherwise something bad will happen to HERSELF such as being yelled at, put on naughty etc. So when she hits another child, I would tell her no and explain in short words that it hurts such as OUCH pointing at the other child. Then I would show her how to interact with the other child such as offering another toy if it was the child's toy she was going after or stroking hair making soothing noises etc.

Likewise when she does something nice to other children, I would not say "what a clever girl you are", but "that's really nice of you, look how happy you made the other child", so the "reward" in being caring and considerate is that she makes other people happy rather than getting something good for HERSELF such as stickers or praise.

Hope it makes sense and hope it gets better for you soon!

I dont think your dd is old enough for time out or other such approaches - I agree that you will just have to hover over her.

Dont take what your friends partner said to heart either - often dads react worse because they are just not used to seeing their darling dcs being hit - unlike mums who see it all the time.

Kate's right - your dd isn't a bully.

It sounds as if you are committed to sorting this out, and as the parent of a child who's been on the recieving end, that's what mattered to me.

My best friend's dd used to push over or hit my ds3, or pull his hair - and yes, I was not happy about this, but I could see that her mum was taking action to deal with the issue - for example, giving her dd time out in a high chair. Of course, when ds3 then went and stood right by the high chair so the girl could reach his hair, I did feel he was being a bit of a numpty!!

I do think that the fact that it was my ds3 and her dd2 did mean that we both understood a bit more that some children do go through this stage, and it doesn't make them a monster (or a bully).

I'm sure you will sort this out, with the help of the advice on this thread.

Thanks for your your tips. We went to play group this morning and I kept my eye on her every moment and 8 times out of 10 I think I managed to stop her hitting just about every child in the room. She is definately at her peak with this at the moment, its unbelievable! Towards the end though she was much better. My friend and her little boy came round this afternoon too and just before they arrived I thought I would try and tell her to be nice thinking she would not understand anyway. I told her he is her friend and she can give him a kiss but no hitting as it hurts. She said "yes!, no" (and demonstated her hitting) and then went "ouch" and pretended to be in pain. I thought it was amazing and as we looked out the window to see him toddling up the road she went "ouch" and pointed at him. I thought we had finally got it but 2 seconds after they walked in she walked up to him said "ouch" and attempted to smack him on the head... Oh well.
Anyway, thanks for all the constructive advice I have received. I am now my daughters official shadow.

I had a hitter. He is now 4 yrs old and lovely, but from about 16 mths until well after his third birthday he was (by turns) a hitter/biter/pusher/shover. It made things very hard for us socially. Thank God we had a few understanding, kind friends!

I think the thing is to try to get in there before she hits, and deal with it firmly and swiftly when she does. If she goes on a frenzy, leave wherever you are. Just up and leave and tell her 'we are going home now because you hit that little boy' or whatever.

I do sympathise. Children of this age can have very poor impulse control and it may be that she simply cannot control herself. Just keep hammering home the message that hitting is unacceptable and eventually - maybe a while down the road yet, if I'm honest - she will get it.

Good luck.

karyncake - Another suggestion (I have a 15-month-old DS who hits now and then... He seems to have started early!)... If you catch her raising her arm to hit, I would hold her hand firmly, tell her 'gently' and then using your hand to control hers, make her 'stroke' the other person instead. Keep repeating 'gently, gently' as you do this repeatedly. I have done this for the last few months (though my DS doesn't sound as 'hit-happy' as yours is!) and it really does work. My DS doesn't hit any more but can be a bit 'heavy-handed' but if I tell him 'gently gently', he will remember and be very gentle.

tryingtoleave's post is absolutely spot on

I would really not use time outs with a child this small. I actually doubt she wants to hurt her friend, she probably doesn't understand that hitting will hurt, small kids are suprisingly rubbish at this.

I have had one child who hit and so far, two who haven't, its the luck of the draw, they do grow out of it, in the meantime you can both learn some useful techniques around dealing with unwanted behaviour.

good luck

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