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Original poster

I have to nip this in the bud

29 replies

FabulousBakerGirl · 11/05/2009 08:19

DS2 is nearly 4 and has just started back chatting/being cheeky. I know he is copying his older brother. I can let a certain abou go but not when it is going too far. What do I do? Have done everything wrong with DS1 so need to get this one right.

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bubblagirl · 11/05/2009 08:31

make sure you correct both so if anyhting he can see that its not right you cant have older ds doing it as well as ds2 will think its ok it'll be mix messages

so you need to stop them both pay no attention where possible and find a consequence that can be used for both

maybe sit them down and tell them new rules maybe draw up some together you could do marbles in a jar or toys taken away and earnt back by good behaviour and then see if they both respond to this

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 11/05/2009 10:08

My 8 year old has cheeked me everytime he has spoken to me today and as I feel crap I just can't deal with it.

I just get so angry with him. Will try the ignoring 100%.

Thanks.

OP posts:
WowOoo · 11/05/2009 10:13

Sure you have not done everything wrong with DS1. 8 year olds are often very very cheeky. Especially to their mums!!

Don't beat yourself up about it and make it your fault. Not too late to do something about it anyway.

I choose to ignore rude requests and let the child in Q know that I won't listen to demands, rudeness etc. Nor will I tolerate name calling etc.

I only have one so far, but often look after my sisters boys with my DS and my BIL children with my ds and it's put me off having another (am pregnant though!!)

Patience, consistency, more patience, wine, deep breaths, screaming in a corner, more wine....Hope it gets bit better soon!!!

WowOoo · 11/05/2009 10:16

Screaming in a corner can refer to you or your children. I'd keep all the wine for yourself!

I do actually get ds to take deep breaths or count to 10 (usually while I work out how the heck I'm gonna discipline him/handle it this time...!)

smee · 11/05/2009 10:51

Don't shout, don't raise your voice even. Have a very simple consequence, which has to be something they'll mind a lot, and put that into into place after a clear warning. eg: if you speak to me like that again, you won't have the tv on at all today. Stick to whatever the threat is like glue. But always, always reward the good, especially if it's all new to them.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 11/05/2009 11:07

He wants a new toy and I have told him he isn't having it today because of how he spoke to me this morning. He came back with you said I couldn't have it last week so that is done. The toy hasn't actually arrived yet so as far as I am concerned it is still there to be refused. Have no idea when it will arrive.

OP posts:
smee · 11/05/2009 11:16

D'you know if he's eight, you could sit him down and agree rules with him - ie what's acceptable and what's not - what the consequences of breaking that is. Then the lo would follow too. Do a reward chart, or a weekend treat - something if they don't reach they don't get. Praise a good day, etc, etc. So hard all this parenting stuff, isn't it?!

thisisyesterday · 11/05/2009 11:28

FBG, he might not JUST be copying. I only say this as ds1 who is also 4 has started doing the same to me. only, he is the eldest so has no-one to copy. so might be just an age thing too.

I just say to him "ds1, until you can speak to me nicely I am not listening to you" and then ignore him.

WowOoo · 11/05/2009 12:30

You could agree with him that as he's been especially cheeky recently you want to see a big improvement in his attitude before you hand over the toy.

Then tell him if you 're happy after a week or however long, he can have it. Any lip, it gets taken away pronto.

Really think a lot of screaming, moaning etc is worth it in short term .

My ds still learning to realise that if he's not well behaved he gets no favours/ treats from me. it's slowly having very positive effects...

InternationalFlight · 11/05/2009 12:41

I believe your title says a lot about what is wrong.

You need to change your attitude so that you are able to take it in your stride, as otherwise they will keep on doing it.

Not easy when you feel low and depressed and vulnerable, they can press your buttons as it were

But the more you ignore it and present a firmly kind and beneficent outlook, the less they will do it. They only do it becuause they know it scares you/winds you up iyswim.

You don't have to #nip it in the bud' as it isn't going to make them grow up to be delinquents. They're just showing you they feel worried about you.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 11/05/2009 12:42

That has given me something to think about. Thank you.

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smee · 11/05/2009 12:47

FBG 4 year olds can be horrendous. I know mine can be - he's lovely mostly, but can be dead stroppy, lippy and confrontational. Am hoping it's a phase to be got through, but wanted to let you know that you're not alone

letswiggle · 11/05/2009 12:55

My 3yo is really lippy. He also slaps me across the face when he doesn't get what he wants. I make him stand in the corner.

With the older ones I tell them I won't do anything for them if they annoy me, so they have more to gain from being polite. Seems to work. I also try to teach them that to get what they want from someone they have to make that person want to give it - important negotiating lesson. I'd say they start to get the hang of this at around 6yo.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 12/05/2009 18:50

Well, DS1 has been full of lip today and I have failed dismally in ignoring him.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 12/05/2009 18:54

Can you think of a consequence that would matter to him. It needs to be something small and easy to enforce. Time on TV, computer etc? Does he get the value of money yet etc?

plimple · 12/05/2009 18:58

FBG, what does he say, I'd agree with it e.g. "you're a rubbish Mum" - yes, I am aren't I? I've even managed to make tea for everyone but you!/I've even managed to lose the plug for the tv/computer! - then walk off while he complains.

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 12/05/2009 19:01

He would never say I was a rubbish mum, he just answers me back.

Tonight I sent him to his room and told him to come down when he had finished with the attitude. My plan was to feed the other 2 and make him wait and then eat on his own.

Didn't go to plan as he came down crying saying his leg hurt again, he fell badly last week, so he stayed down and had his tea.

Just told him I didn't want to see him atm and he said Good.

Went up to put them to bed and told him to stop back chatting me, I actually think he
doesn't realise what he is doing.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 12/05/2009 19:06

I think that is a valid point. We frequently tell dd2 that is anwering back stop now, then if it doesn't stop then she goes in time out (which works for her/us - she doesn't like it!)

Yes they have to learn how to get their point of view across in appropriate way without it being back chat and as adults we somehow need to teach that - not easy.

thisisyesterday · 12/05/2009 19:36

fbg, i think you've sort of hit the nail on the head when you say

"I actually think he
doesn't realise what he is doing."

I do think he knows in some way what he is doing. but what he is doing is not necessarily what you think he is doing iyswim?>
what he is doing is being a 4 yr old. he is learning to voice his opinion. he is learning that when YOU say "ds, you must do this" he has to do it and so he is trying it out on you, to see if you do what he says
He is making sense of the world, and trying things out on someone he knows can and will take it (ie you)

you know I think that 3-5 can be a really tough age for kids. they aren't babies any more (esp if they have younger siblings I think), but they aren't grown up enough to be abe to do the things older kids do.
They're stuck in this in-between place of wanting to be grown up, but also wanting you to mother them a lot.

You need to have a chat with him perhaps, when you're both calm, and just say that it's hard for people to listen to him or do what he is asking if he is asking rudely or if he isn't being polite.
Perhaps you and he could practice together nice ways of talking to people and asking for things, just to get him thinking about it?

I've done this with ds1, and despite seeming like he wasn't listening he does keep coming out with things like "saying please is a nice way to ask for something isn't it mummy?" and stuff li ke that, so it IS going in, even if it seems like it isn't.

just keep saying to him "i can't listen to you until you speak to me nicely" or "please ask me again in nicer way" or soemthing like that and he WILL get it eventually

Original poster
FabulousBakerGirl · 12/05/2009 20:03

I am talking about my 8 year old now.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 12/05/2009 20:51

I was talking about your 8 year old BTW they answer back/have the last word with their friends so it's hard to learn to resist the urge with parents IME!

dylsmum1998 · 12/05/2009 21:14

agree with cargirl, at 8 boys (haven't got there with dd yet to see if its girls too!) have to have the last word. when i have spoken to my ds. now 10, about this he says he isn't meaning to be cheeky, he just does not agree with my opinion or want to do what i want him to do, depending on the situation
so we have had lots of discussions about how we can get round this and things are improving. i sat him down and explained why sometimes when i ask him to do things its for a reason.
when i find him being cheeky etc i just say to him "ds your arguing with me again, go away" as i walk off. and generally he stops and comes back 5 mins later putting his point across in a more pleasant way.doesnt work everytime but thats when he doesn't get his computer time............

CarGirl · 12/05/2009 21:19

My eldest dd (12) still has her moments but is getting better at thinking before engaging mouth to "discuss" rather than back chat.

dylsmum1998 · 12/05/2009 21:24

ar no cargirl, didnt read very clearly before and notice that yours is DD, does that mean i need to restart all this in a few years with dd??

CarGirl · 12/05/2009 21:30

All 4 of mine try it on perhaps they get it from me though