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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Would you let your toddler behave like this?

98 replies

ghosty · 02/05/2005 09:40

I had an interesting experience at DS's swimming lesson today ...
It was pretty crowded and I found a place next to another mum to sit and watch. This other mum had a toddler with her who was playing with another child but as soon as he saw me sit in what he thought was 'his' place he lost it and threw a wobbly ...
Now, I am no stranger to wobblies ... have had a toddler AND have an 'almost' toddler ...
BUT this woman said to me, "You are sitting in his place" ... I was a bit gobsmacked as I thought 'Um, who is the adult here?'. It was on the tip of my tongue to say, "I am a grown up and he is a child ... " but what I did was squeeze up a bit so that he could sit between his mum and me ... so then he started climbing all over me ...
He got up and went off ... so I moved away from the lady on the other side of me to give her some space. When he came back he lost it again and the mother looked at me expecting me to move.

Had this been DS I would have first of all told him that that lady was now sitting there but he could sit on my lap OR, if he had continued to be awful I would have taken him to a quiet corner to have his tantrum in peace ... I would not have expected an adult to appease him and move ....

What would you have done?

Oh, by the way ... at some point in the proceedings this little boy took a swimming float and bopped him mum on the head with it ... What did she do? She hit him back, quite hard, on the head with the float and said, "See, it hurts doesn't it?" ... which also shocked me ...

Perhaps I am too precious, I dunno ....

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pabla · 04/05/2005 17:05

What I meant was that although girls have tantrums too of course, it is more often boys who are physically stronger and are more obsessive about routines, etc and so harder to deal with on a day to day basis. Believe me, I tried all the classic tips for dealing with tantrums and it DOESN'T always work. I'd be interested to know if any of the posters who disapproved of the mother's actions have got children who are "difficult".

baka · 04/05/2005 17:11

pabla- my eldest son (6) has been classed as having "challenging" behaviour- he is severely autistic. I have 2 other sons- the 3 year old is a fairly typical 3 year old I'd say, but my 6 year old is anything but. The school have recently out in an urgent request (at my request) for input from a clinical psychologist.
I still say the mother was wrong and ghosty was right- sorry!

pabla · 04/05/2005 17:42

BTW, I'm not saying I agree with what she did, just that we shouldn't be so judgemental. I personally would probably have done what Handlemecarefully suggested. I have in the past been guilty of thinking to myself that some child or other has been badly behaved (i.e. done something that not even my ds1 would do!) and found out afterwards that there was a particular issue at home or the child was a lot younger than he looked....So I tend to look benignly at others kids having tantrums and been grateful if mine were reasonably well behaved at that moment!

collision · 04/05/2005 17:50

If the mother could bash the child over the head with a float then I doubt very much that there was anything wrong with him!!

The whole situation was handled badly by the mother and she will rue the day she keeps giving in to her son and his tantrums.

Shazzler · 04/05/2005 18:11

Have not read all the thread but I do think that children need to be taught respect for adults and it has to be taught by the parents.

I was on a crowded train once with my dd in a buggy sleeping and my ds and I were stading. My ds began falling asleep standing up. I picked him up and had to carry him for the rest of the hour long journey. He was 4.5.

The train was full but most of the seats were taken by children. Nobody offered me a seat despite my obvious difficulty.

I would be ashamed to let someone struggle like this and I am trying to teach my children to have respect for their elders. Unfortunately many others do not share this view and so it makes it even harder to teach my children when they see others getting seats etc.

jakeybob · 04/05/2005 18:35

you say children should respect adults but what about respecting the child?

Shazzler · 04/05/2005 18:41

I don't think that I would be respecting a child if I gave into tantrums all the time. Giving them respect surely means that we want what is best for them and giving them what they want when they have a tantrum is not going to help them in the long run. You don't always get what you want in life and children need to learn this.

jakeybob · 04/05/2005 18:44

I agree but wanted to point out that respect is not just a right for adults as people have been writing.

happymerryberries · 04/05/2005 19:22

While it is reasonable to respect everyone, it is not reasonable to treat everyone as equals. I treat my children with respect but not as equals. And I'm sick to death of rude and abusive teenagers spouting crap about 'respect' when what they mean is , 'I've got the right to do what I like, so f off'. We forget that children are not adults at our peril

Shazzler · 04/05/2005 19:23

Well said.

baka · 04/05/2005 19:50

pabla- I don't think anyone is judging the child- all perfectly normal- it's the mother's response that is strange.

WideWebWitch · 04/05/2005 19:53

Cor, is this still going?

handlemecarefully · 04/05/2005 20:34

Ah, www whilst there are holier than thou attitudes espoused here the thread will still live on! (don't mean you!)

I think most of the posters who would take a hard line and risk a tanty in public don't also have an even smaller toddler to supervise (I've also got a 13 month old to keep an eye on and can't afford to have my attention diverted away from him).

Either that or they are lying

handlemecarefully · 04/05/2005 20:36

Or they are perfect

baka · 04/05/2005 20:42

god if i worried about a tantum in a public place i'd never go out of the front door.

happymerryberries · 04/05/2005 21:12

Blimey dd was having at least 5 major tantrums week, sometimes having several in a day from age 1 to 3!

handlemecarefully · 05/05/2005 09:32

baka, hmb:

so did you have two toddlers to look after at once? might not be so sanguine about it if you did...or like I said, maybe you have / are in that situation but are just rather perfect?

There are also tantrums and tantrums. Tbh I have a bit of a laff when friends refer to their kids having tantrums - since all they seem to be doing is upping their volume a bit. Then there are the screaming, kicking, frothing at the mouth meltdowns that my dd has....

Fact remains, I don't believe everybody is being entirely honest here. I'm sure everyone has occasionally taken the line of least resistance with their child and conceded on something minor / given in to avoid a tantrum.

JoolsToo · 05/05/2005 09:39

have only read first post.

would have done the same as ghosty (and the same as the mother with the float!)

baka · 05/05/2005 09:42

HMC- I have a severely autistic 6 year old, a 3 year old and a 3month old. I only go out with the 6 year old alone as I can't handle his behviour with the other 2. The reason I don't give into a tantrum from him is because if I did I would never- never - never have the chance to correct the behaviour without the mother of all tantrums. He tantrumed this morning because he wanted to wee on my bed, well fine - tantrum then. If I had let him wee on my bed because he tantrumed then to stop it would have required an even bigger tantrum to get through.

And as for the 3 year old, yes I do give into his tantrums, but just not if it affects someone else.

I don't mind tantrums in public- I'm used to them any toddler stuff is small fry compared to my 6 year old going into one soo I don't really give a damn if people stare. What I really hate is whingiing when I'm on the phone- and I find that much harder to deal with.

Not perfect, but just in this particular situation I agree strongly with ghosty. I put the comments in from Ros Blackburn because I thought it was interesting to hear it from the perspective of someone who finds behaving approapriately pretty much impossible and certainly difficult. She was practically begging parents in the audience to be very firm with their children. Thjat's not be being smug- that's just me reporting what she said, and mentallly taking note that it is OK to say no- however distressed the child seems.

flashingnose · 05/05/2005 10:14

Have waded through the whole thread and agree with ghosty - it's never a good idea to give in to tantrums, wherever you are. If we're out, I'll remove everyone to a quiet spot or the car until it's over.

collision · 05/05/2005 11:00

So HMC.....what would you have done? The thread has gone off at a tangent and is now about tantrums I think.

Would you have let Ghosty stand up and leave the seat empty for your child who might want to sit on it?

Original poster

ghosty · 05/05/2005 11:44

Remember ... I did budge up for him but he kept jumping all over me and running off to play.

I still stand by me original post in that I believe the mother dealt with it wrongly. The little boy was giving a perfectly wonderful example of normal toddler behaviour. My son would probably have reacted similarly when he was 2 .... but I would not have expected the other adult to move.
I don't believe I was disrespecting the child ... not at all, I compromised and made space for him to sit between his mum and me ...

I think this was more a reflection on the mother's methods rather than the child's reaction.

Thanks for the debate people

OP posts:

Original poster

ghosty · 05/05/2005 11:44

that should read ... 'stand by my original post' ....

OP posts:

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