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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Am I such a heartless mother???????

32 replies

joburg · 04/05/2009 09:35

I have been reading many of the posts here and frankly speaking many times i didn't dare to reply to some of them because i was afraid i would be called a heartless mother ... which i might be, so please give me some help.

I started teaching DD at 4.5yo how to help mammy brooming around, at 5 she had to start washing her lunch box and even sometimes asked her to clean her own toilet when she would forget she is still peeing while getting up and spreading all the pee on the floor. Sitting with her and teaching her and asking her to follow me and little by little doing it on her own.

Then she went through her 5 year old rebelion time when she would refuse to eat absolutely everything. I insisted she needs to eat her lunch/dinner or she can have banans instead. After less than a month she started eating again. Anything. But then, my friends blamed me for having a heart of stone. Same with juices/ fizzy drinks. I told her she can have them for desert and only water during the meals. She still gets a sprite as a treat from time to time but she is happily drinking water with her meals.

I could probably find more examples like this, but don't want to bore you. I am probably tough on her but am i such a heartless mama after all?

OP posts:

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BeehiveBaby · 04/05/2009 09:43

I think that you know you are not.

WinkyWinkola · 04/05/2009 09:45

Right. You are not.

You're probably one of those mums that has the don't-take-any-nonsense approach.

To some it might seem brisk and to others, it might seem normal.

MayorNaze · 04/05/2009 09:48

i am the same actually.

if every one else is taking the softly softly approach on a thread and my oinion is different tbh i tend not to post as i would be flamed.

but you are not heartless - i would do and have done all of the things you posted. and more/worse i am sure

pearlsbeforeswine · 04/05/2009 09:52

No you are not heartless, little self satisfied perhaps though

mrsjammi · 04/05/2009 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WinkyWinkola · 04/05/2009 09:57

A little self satisfied? Eh? I love the character assassinations on MN based on nothing.

MayorNaze · 04/05/2009 10:00

self satisfied? dear god. i shy away very firmly from all this "is mn getting bitchy" business but that was just unnecessary.

Original poster

joburg · 04/05/2009 10:07

Girls, you are too kind, but i do think that sometimes i am a bad mother.

More examples: DD goes to the pool outside our block and she is told not to screem and shout disturbing the adults who try to get a rest, while most of the other kids run around freely, DD gets a time out for 5 min. She is unhappy, the other kids still screaming and playing.

I do cut short the cartoons time if she didn't wash the 2 plastic lunchboxes, for the day! She is 6. Is it too early?

I do tell her she can't have her favourite dress today because she already has 3 other dresses in the chair, that she used the previous day (worn once, not more) .... trying to teach her she needs to wear things until i can wash them. and even asking her once or twice to wash her own tshirt when being too lazy to take it off while brushing teeth so she dropped plenty of toothpaste on it. Fact is that next time she went to the bathroom, she remebered to take it off immediately.

Do you think she will become a complete rebel as a result of my strict education? Should i try to loosen up and let her be a 'naughty' child more often? How naughty?

OP posts:

Disenchanted3 · 04/05/2009 10:11

You sound very harsh IMO, she is only 5. Let her be a CHILD, clean her bloody lunch box for her, get her to start doing these bits at about 8.

rubyslippers · 04/05/2009 10:12

there is absolutely nothing wrong with boundaries

cause and effect is fine - you aren't banishing her to a dark cupboard under the stairs

at 6 years old it is fine to have cartoons cut short if you didn't do a chore (which is hardly onerous)

i do think - IMO - it may be better to let the shouting at the pool go - she is there to have lots of fun - she is right to be considerate of adults but she also needs to let off steam

MayorNaze · 04/05/2009 10:17

i don't think you are harsh, presumably she gets lots of love, cuddles and attention, there is nothing wrong IMHO for imposing clear boundaries at an early age. If YOU are unhappy with what you are doing, perhaps consider where you might be able to ease up or something, but don't let others guilt trip you into it if your methods work for you and your dd

Original poster

joburg · 04/05/2009 10:19

My english is not so subtle (i am Romanian), so if i felt a bit of an irony in some of your posts, i do want to assure you i was really worried about my motherhood skills (plus that my daughter was adopted, so i did not 'grow up' together with my baby, i have so little experience in this motherhood business that i get hell scared myself). Even my husband is sometimes blaming me for beeing too hard on our daughter. So please bare with me and help.

OP posts:

Podrick · 04/05/2009 10:21

Heartless - no
Lacking in confidence - yes!
Get in there on mumsnet discussions and put your side of the coin!
Have more confidence in your own unique parenting style!

MayorNaze · 04/05/2009 10:23

we all learn as we go along! you sound like you are doing a fine job. relax and try not to give yourself such a hard time

make sure you and your dd have lots of fun together, lots of love cuddles etc, as i said before make everything seem better

TheProfiteroleThief · 04/05/2009 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pearlsbeforeswine · 04/05/2009 10:34

You sounded self satisfied because of the rather abrupt tone of hour post. I would never start a thread listing everything I do right where others fail, knowing that I was doing the right thing and then asking people to back me up. Maybe that says more about me than the OP to be honest

I suspect howvever that that tone may be down to language so I apologise.

I am a no nonsense mother but you do sound as if you are very regulated and that may be hard for a child. But I am sure that there is more to your parenting than what you type on here.

TheButterflyEffect · 04/05/2009 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pearlsbeforeswine · 04/05/2009 10:41

growing up to young is wearing heeled sandals and not having a bed tinme not putting your clothes away.

My dd also likes chores, - most of the time.

Original poster

joburg · 04/05/2009 10:45

Pearlsbeforeswine thank you for pointing this out, and i do realise i'm going to have a huge problem with teaching my daughter, not only the basic education but also english! Again i must appologize if my tone was not the right one, i speak as well as i can. The worries are still there.

Listing everything I do right where others fail, knowing that I was doing the right thing? No, i am still not sure i do the right thing!

OP posts:

Pitchounette · 04/05/2009 10:47

Message withdrawn

pearlsbeforeswine · 04/05/2009 10:47

Please do not apologise it was me, I am off out for my walk before I upset anyone else.

Pitchounette · 04/05/2009 10:50

Message withdrawn

Original poster

joburg · 04/05/2009 11:06

Pearlsbeforeswine, come back and be as straight forward as you can. I like that.
As for the pool example, sorry if i didn't explain it right. I'm trying to teach DD that certain places are ok for her to jump and scream around, play, shout, but there are other places where she would need to behave differently. In my oppinion children should not be allowed to get as wild as they wish allover the place. There are certain places where children can get wild and there are places where children need to behave. Is it too much to ask from a 6 yo child? And i think of consideration issues here, where the child needs to think about the other ppl around. Is it too early to teach this?

OP posts:

bigted · 04/05/2009 11:15

I wish there were more parents like you.
You sound fab!

Original poster

joburg · 04/05/2009 11:21

Bigted, i feel bad and a monster after my DD was crying sometimes and after friends were criticising me ..... i really don't know where i stand, if i am on the right road or not

OP posts:

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