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Behaviour/development

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Original poster

Guns ... what do we think?

31 replies

Smilewearingthin · 01/05/2009 20:42

I am seeking advice here from any mumsnetter with older boys. My four and a half year old is (and has been for sometime) obsessed with pretend guns -- sticks, lego, old plastic bottles ... you name it, it's a gun. He 'shoots' complete strangers in the street, his sister, friends, aliens hiding in the bushes, anyone. All with wild yells of delight. Sticks are another passion of his. He collects them, carries them around with him, stores them. Loves them. And he also quite enjoys kicking his sister, and hitting out at 'annoying' other children, or me. (Sometimes he seems genuinely angry when he does this. At other times I feel he is just acting.) Are there two things going on here: a natural tendency to pretend-weapon play on the one hand and normal childhood frustration/aggression that he needs to learn how to handle on the other? Or does one feed into the other? He has an older sister (6; who doesn't fight back often) and a younger brother (6 months; to whom he is, incidentally, never anything but perfectly gentle and kind). With my DD, we had the aggression but not the weapon play and so we dealt with the anger and all is (mostly) well. But I'm not sure how to handle this male impulse towards play fighting. I find myself getting embarrassed in public when he gives full vent to his imagination ... but should I just relax and let him play out his natural tendencies while preventing him from actually fighting when he gets cross? (My mother thinks I should snatch any weapon from him and dash it to the ground with a lecture about wars and killing people. But then she had two girls ...) Views please.

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Hassled · 01/05/2009 20:49

I banned all guns when DS1 was small. He just built them out of Duplo. By the time DS3 was 5, we had a whole arsenal of weapons - at nearly 7, he's mostly lost interest. So it is a phase, quite a short-lived phase, and something that most boys go through regardless of whether you enable the weapon obsession or ban all guns etc.

A teacher friend told me that she'd seen some research which indicated schools were wrong to ban all playfighting and war-type interests - it was felt that while girls were actively encouraged in their interests (playing house, dressing up), boys were constantly being thwarted in theirs, which led to them being turned off school (yes, I'm well aware of all the gender stereotyping in this para).

What I'm trying to say is all 3 of my boys have run around shooting each other for a while, with or without actual toy guns. They've all now outgrown it, and none of them are violent, aggressive children/young adults. So don't fret.

AMumInScotland · 01/05/2009 20:49

I'd say there's two separate things - rough play isn't necessarily connected with the anger and frustration he's expressing. My ds would play with pretend guns and play the kind of shooting games with other boys, but he was never (still isn't) aggressive in any way. So, I'd say deal with the anger, but don't worry about the guns and sticks, unless he starts using them as an excuse for genuine aggression towards people.

Heated · 01/05/2009 20:59

This is not something I have a problem with at all, in fact I think it's beneficial play. Ds is 5 and he often ropes me in for some star wars/dr who/robin hood adventure that involves pretend shooting. He doesn't have a toy gun simply because they're not easy to buy these days, yet his 'best' toys are a drill (gun), fireman's backpack & hose (gun), cricket stump (gun)...you get the drift. It coincides with him becoming a proper little boy although that doesn't stop him loving MrMaker & playing hairdressers. My brother & I did the same when younger except we had toy guns. It was definitely a primary school phase.

Shylily · 01/05/2009 21:07

Just because I was amused - a friend's DS (same age as mine - 2.5) uses everything he canas a gun or sword. Mine doesn't seem to know what they are (yet).
We were out somewhere the other day where they had a re-enactment of the American civil war (as you do). As there was a huge explosion from a rifle to our left, DS pointed at it and said 'Mummy, boy's got a guitar'. That was one hell of a riff!

Poohbah · 01/05/2009 21:52

My son (3) comes home from Nursery talking about guns so I think this play is quite common, but having worked in really awful deprived areas where I have been shot at by older children with air rifles, I really think it isn't a good thing.

I've had a word with the nursery and they talked to all the children at circle time about not playing with guns.

I would have a good chat with him. I feel it is unacceptable to shoot at people in the street. The problem is that they do something once or twice and get a reaction, then keep on doing it, it is really annoying and hard to deal with isn't it????

Gemtubbs · 01/05/2009 22:01

I hate guns. My son is still just a baby, but I won't let him play with toy weapons when he is older. If he imagines another toy is a gun, then I suppose that's up to him but I wouldn't want to encourage it. My friend's cat got shot and killed by kids with an air rifle. I found this really upsetting as I am an animal lover. Also, I witnessed a bus get several windows shot out by kids with an air rifle. It was fortunate no body was hurt as the bus was full of people. I don't think that guns should be encouraged.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 01/05/2009 22:04

I'd deal with any actual aggression towards other peopoe (ie hitting etc) but woulnd't raise an eyebrow at toy guns: my DS is 4 and has shown no interest yet. But I think that banning toy guns or any kind of 'upsetting' play or literature is completely misguided anyway.

wilkos · 01/05/2009 22:10

watching this thread with interest.

my dd of 20 months has a toy gun in her toy box that was kindly donated by my dss (who is eleven)

i had not even considered that it is not acceptable for her to play with a plastic toy gun

Original poster

Smilewearingthin · 01/05/2009 22:24

Thank you so much for all your views. I was very much cheered by the news that this gun business is likely to be a short-lived phase. And I can see the futility of trying to stop him turning other toys into guns. But I think that I will concentrate on firstly the aggression/frustration/lashing out, of course, and also on the acting out his fantasies in the street part of his play.

Hassled: I was interested in your view about encouraging girls in their gender stereotyped play but not boys. I can see how easily that can be the case, and how this might make boys feel that school is not their sort of place. In fact, I can see how some of my (reflex: I hate guns and am sort of phobic about violence) comments to my poor DS1 might make him feel that home is not his sort of place either ... That's very helpful.

I am so grateful to everyone for helping get a sense of perspective. DS1 is such a loving boy - most of the time - that I can see I should just concentrate on that and not fret too much. Thanks

OP posts:

southeastastra · 01/05/2009 22:26

how about knit this for him

wrinklytum · 01/05/2009 22:32

I have always refused to buy ds a toy gun but he makes them out of Lego and so on anyhow

I am hoping it is a phase.He is generally quite a caring chap and helps his little sister who is disabled,in fact he said to me the other night "When dd is bigger will she always be disabled?" Me: "Yes" ds "Well she can come and live with me and I will look after her" (Cue mummy going a bit choked up and tearful at the wonderful simplicity of children!)

I think it is a boy thing.I am hoping the caring side outweighs the wish to shoot stuff!!!

Gemtubbs · 01/05/2009 22:36

What if (God forbid) a child got hold of a real gun by mistake, still thinking that it's just a toy and a game. They could have a very nasty accident. Sorry, I am aware that I sound like the fun police and health and safety bla bla... I just really do not like guns.

taczilla · 01/05/2009 22:43

I believe Schools and families are now telling Primary Schools to relax about gun role play etc as natural instincts should not really be kept down. I grew up in Northern Ireland in the seventies and although we could only get cowboy guns ( big and silver) I was a tomboy and all the kids on my street spent a lot of time playing with guns even in that environment I don't think it was damaging just fun.

fruitshootsandheaves · 01/05/2009 22:44

My DS has toy guns, he makes guns from everything and nearly all his pictures are of people with guns and war
I gave up trying to persuade him out of them. He doesn't play with them constantly, more in phases. I think that not letting him have toy guns would make him more obsessive about them. He is 7.

piscesmoon · 01/05/2009 23:07

I was absolutely against guns but it was the first thing DS made out of duplo. I never bought him one, but I relaxed about it and he had various ones that other people gave him, space guns etc.
I have 3 DSs and it is a boy thing-they love sword fights and play fights. If bored they wrestle. I realised it was more my problem, they were having fun so I used to leave the room and let them get on with it if I was finding it too irritating. They can make all sorts of shooting noises that girls don't seem to manage!
They grew out of it and they are non aggressive teens-they would remove themselves from any trouble rather than get involved.
Boys are just very physical and it is one way of expressing it.

Heated · 01/05/2009 23:12

So true PiscesMoon about those gun noises only boys seem to make. Ds(5) is very critical of my efforts

skramble · 01/05/2009 23:17

I like my mums theory if you give them a toy gun its always a toy gun, but if they make it out of lego then it could be a cow or a car tomorrow.

piscesmoon · 01/05/2009 23:21

I don't know how they do the gun noise-I couldn't do it to save my life!!!

JeffVadar · 03/05/2009 14:59

Chill about toy guns! You will find that games involving guns are only one of many imaginative, role-playing games children play. DS has had several toy guns and has spent far less time playing with them than he has playing with Lego!

Gemtubs - if a young child accidentally got hold of a real gun I don't think it would make any difference at all whether they had previously played with toy guns or not. Banning a child from playing with guns will not mean that they don't know what they are.

Actually I have just remembered that last summer DS went to a friends party where the host set up a shooting competition with a BB gun. The boy who won was, naturally, the boy who had been forbidden - ever - to play with guns! Even his mum laughed...

FiveGoMadInDorset · 03/05/2009 15:01

DD has plastic toy guns and makes guns out of anything else. I think it is a ntural part of childhood, plus we live nest door to and army camp so tanks and guns are part of her childhood.

applepudding · 03/05/2009 15:17

DS plays with toy guns/weapons and has made weapons out of sticks, my pegs etc since he was quite small. I don't see this as a problem.

However - the aggression is another matter and is more of a cause for concern. I don't see that the weapons play is really linked to the aggression, as neither DS nor his closest friends are at all aggressive, but will play , e.g. star wars fighting games together.

Gemtubs - I can assure you that in 'my world', my DC is not going to come into contact with a real gun!!!

cat64 · 03/05/2009 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pranma · 03/05/2009 16:37

I allowed 'fantasy'guns which looked nothing like any sort of real gun and which shot nthing more than a torch beam or big bright plastic water or bubble guns for outside

TheFallenMadonna · 03/05/2009 16:40

LOL @ pranma. My mum allowed my brother to have a space gun "permanently set to stun"

Never really been an issue with ds, as swords are his lethal weapon of choice...

Lazycow · 03/05/2009 16:56

We have this with ds and on the whole it doesn't boither me too much but I did find myself getting a bit annoyed/worried when ds kept play shooting me.

So after reading this brilliant book Playful Parenting, I introduced the idea of the "love gun". Whenever ds shoots at me, instead of saying "I don't like it" or "stop it", all of which lead to conflict, I say put my hand dramatically on my heart and say "oh no you shot me with the love gun, and now I am so in love with you I have to kiss you" and then I chase him to kiss him.

It always makes ds laugh and we end up connecting (and having to repeat the gam of course) instead of having a stand off. He still plays at guns and shooting etc with his friends. With me though he often says it is a love gun and invites me to chase him and kiss him.

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