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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help! My 3yr old screams, shouts and hits me

36 replies

beki · 29/04/2005 17:33

My eldest son has recently started full time school and since then it seems that my 3yr old son has pressed a switch and changed to a very aggresive child.
It is really starting to get me down as i don't know how to deal with it anymore.
He is constantly screaming and shouting at me and threatens to break things and hits me.
I have tryed several things, like ignoring him and putting him in his room when he gets out of hand, but have really just run out of ideas.
He can be the most sweetiest liitle boy and it breaks my heart to see him being like this.
Please, if anyone has any suggestions i would be very grateful to hear them. Thanks.

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Original poster

beki · 02/05/2005 12:56

Hi again, i would really appreciate any suggestions.
ds seems to get worse by the day!
Thanks

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Frizbe · 02/05/2005 13:02

Hi not sure any use, but....
If its started since the eldest is going to full time school, does the youngest know why he's going to school? or does he think you get rid of his brother every day?
Does the youngest go to nursery?
Sorry just a few q's to give us all a better picture!

almost40 · 02/05/2005 13:29

Hi Beki, I'm approaching this stage also with my DD1 who is 3yo also. I think that the advice is to be firm and consistent and threaten a time out, and follow through with it? There must be others who actually have gone through this who have advice?? I think it's hard because you may not see immediate results, but you should decide on an approach and stick with it? I'm just repeating what's been told to me. Good luck! I'll be following this thread too.

Original poster

beki · 02/05/2005 15:49

Hi thanks for your help, i'm very grateful.
ds is at nursey twice a week and i take him to playgroup once a week too, so i think he is getting on ok socially.
His behaviour does seem to be more toward direct family and friends.
I've been trying very hard to stay firm and follow the same course of action each time he hits or shouts out, which at the moment has been to not acknowledge the bad behaviour and take him straight up to his room.
The only trouble is whenever i put him in his room now he'll be upset about it for about two mins and then start singing and looking at his books and doesn't seem too bothered about being in there.
So that makes me wonder if it really is going to make a difference???

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almost40 · 02/05/2005 15:53

I think that's actually what you want - is for him to calm down. So the fact that he doesn't seem to be bothered after a minute or so means you're doing the right thing. Hope this helps. Still hoping some more experienced mums chime in here.

Original poster

beki · 02/05/2005 15:53

ds does understand why his brother goes to school as he gets upset that he can't stay there with him.
It's quite impossable to explain to a 3 yr old that he has to wait another five months before he even starts monday school.
I know that he misses his brother in the day, but i thought he would love having my full attention all to himself all day.

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Original poster

beki · 02/05/2005 15:56

I will def stick at it, it's just so frustrating when it doesn't feel like i'm getting any where with him and not seeing any kind of improvment.
I'm determined to not let him win, but i do feel like curling up in a ball and crying sometimes, it's very hard to deal with when it's soooo constant.

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almost40 · 02/05/2005 16:08

I know what you mean. I just sit there sometimes and say what happened to my nice sweet DD?? My friend says this is an inevitable stage that lasts (sadly) until they are four. . .

Original poster

beki · 02/05/2005 16:13

I could cope with it if it was just the tantrums thats children go through but it feels soo much worse then that.
ds1 didn't go through this at all, yes he had his fair share of wobblies but nothing like ds2.
I never thought a child could become so aggresive-he threatens to break things if i don't let him have his own way.

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march29 · 02/05/2005 16:19

hi...have been following this thread and was thinking if you put him in his room as a form of time out when he is being aggresive(sp?) then it might be an idea to change the place of time out like a stool or a chair or a stair because when u put him in his room he starts playing with his toys and books etc...but the idea is to make him realize that he has done something wrong and that he should not do it again... so if he has no toys etc he might realize it.... justa suggestion...

Original poster

beki · 02/05/2005 16:29

Thats a good idea thank you, i must say i have been very tempted to get the old travel cot out!!!!!
but think that wouldn't be right.
The only trouble i have is my house is small and i'm very limited as to where i can put him.
As he is shouting and screaming the easiest thing to do is put him in his room, but then like you say it's not long and he's enjoying himself which clearly isn't why i put him there!
The only other thing i can think of is to put a little chair in the kitchen, where he will be away from any attention.?

OP posts:

almost40 · 02/05/2005 17:00

I think the little chair - or travel cot - sounds like a good idea. I sometimes put DD on the countertop-sit her there and count to 10.

Original poster

beki · 02/05/2005 17:09

Maybe the travel cot would be a good idea then as he wouldn't be able to go anywhere!
The only trouble with the chair thing is i would spend most of the time trying to keep him on it and we both would only end up getting more upset and wound up.
It's really nice to have other mum's suggestions, i think i would have gone up the walls if it weren't for you!

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Frizbe · 02/05/2005 18:59

Hi Beki, I agree with March29 re the chair, we currently sit dd on the bottom step of the stairs, but then she's only 18mths! so stays put at the mo, we used to put ss on a chair, but have recently graduated to the pasta jar, much to his disgust!

Original poster

beki · 02/05/2005 20:21

I think that as from tomorrow i will try the chair, i don't want to confuse him too much by changing what i do with him when he's naughty, but it's just a matter of finding the right thing that works for him.
I hope it won't be too long before i see some kind of improvment in his behaviour, he is such a fun loving little boy and i hate to feel like this about him.
Tomorrow might be a better day as he has nursery in the morning.

OP posts:

Frizbe · 03/05/2005 23:01

Hi Beki, any luck with the chair?

Original poster

beki · 04/05/2005 15:49

Hi frizbe, the chair is proving to be quite a mission!
I seem to fight more with him trying to keep him on it and he just gets more and more worked up.
It's really hard as i know he needs to learn, but he has bad asthma and if he gets himself too worked up he ends up in a mess and needing his inhalers.
I really don't know whether to stick with the chair or the bedroom??
I took him to play group today and he really showed his true colours to all my friends as he started hitting me and shouting, they were all shocked to see him like it.
I think they all thought i was exagerating the whole thing, but now they have seen him in full action!
It's driving me nuts!!!!

OP posts:

march29 · 04/05/2005 18:02

i know its difficult but just stick with it. you'd be surprised but he knows exactly that when he gets like that he is pulling at your heart strings and will egt his way thats why he throws a bigger tantrum!! they are very smart bless them!!! just hang in there he needs to know that you mean business and as long as you keep an eye on his asthma i am sure he will be fine! just make sure that when you finally do get through to him and he calms down you explain to him calmly that what he has done is wrong and it upsets you make him say sorry and when he does give him a kiss and a cuddle. i promise it will work.

Frizbe · 04/05/2005 19:18

Hi all, good advice from march29, I shall be using it myself! Beki did you take ds home from playgroup? or stick with it there? I know the books advise taking the kids home after 1 warning when they get like that, I've not had to do it yet, but I feel we may be getting there....dd been on naughty step 3 times today for hitting her friend....(ARGH!)

Original poster

beki · 04/05/2005 20:04

Hi all, thanks for the support, so comforting for me.
When ds threw his tantrum at playgroup it was nearly finished so we went and he went screaming all the way.
He has been awful today and has even gone to bed without a story, which i knew would make him think twice.
Dh is great and sticks to the same thing i do so ds doesn't get confused.
He has started to get more nasty towards his friends too, pushing them etc..
I feel soo relieved when he's in bed and dread the thought of the next day to come and i hate feeling like that.

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Original poster

beki · 04/05/2005 20:05

How old are your children and do you ever feel the same as i do?
Feeling very guilty about feeling this way.

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elastamum · 04/05/2005 20:38

Hi Beki,

Dont get disheartend, it sounds like fairly normal togddler behavior. We went through similar with ours and we used the naughty step at the bottom of the stairs when behaviour was unacceptable, basically withdrawing attention and letting them (and us) cool down. 1 minute for every year old. then lots of cuddles and attention when they were being good or had said sorry. It can be challenging to stick with it but it did work. We also found that there were regular self destruct times, usually when our youngest was hungry and blood sugar starting to dip so we made sure meals and healthy snacks were regular and this helped. I found toddler taming by christopher green was really helpful and also helped me keep a perspective on it all.
Suspect your ds2 is just pushing the boundries and hopefully if you hang in there it will pass.

almost40 · 04/05/2005 20:48

Elastamum - very good point that I often forget about blood sugar level. DD1 was throwing tantrums early on, every day when I got home from work. Someone here suggested I give her a snack or a drink or an early tea. I did that, and she stopped with the tantrums. Now, of course, she's throwing them again at 3 yrs old, but I think it's for different reasons - a different stage. Good luck Beki.

Original poster

beki · 04/05/2005 21:39

Elastamum-thanks for the suggestions it had never crossed my mind it could be anything to do with blood sugar levels.
He eats very well during the morning, but we don't really have any kind of routine set for a afternoon snack, i think that would be a good idea to do and see if it makes any kind of difference to his behaviour. I mainly put afternoon tantrums down to being tired and having to share me with his brother again once he is home from school.
I will look up the toddler taming book online and buy it. I do have quite a few books, but most of them don't give you straight forward answers you have to read most the book before you start to get anywhere and i don't always have much time to do that.
I will kepp you posted on how it's going-you're fab mum's and friends and i am very grateful for all your help.

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BEKsmum · 05/05/2005 09:01

Beki, thanks for posting this thread, I am going through excatly the same thing with my 3 year old ds and the advice on here has been really useful.

I really sympathise with how you feel towards your son as I feel the same and this is made worse by the fact that I'm three months pregnant.

I can't believe how similar our story is, as my ds only kicks off indoors towards his dad and I and everyone else thinks he's a little angel as he very rarely does it when we are out. I cried and cried yesterday and was at my wits end, so at least I know now that I'm not the only one.

I watched the House of Tiny Tearaways last night and Tanya Byron the pyschologist on the programme tried a trick with a little boy slightly younger than ours where she got the mum to pick the child up from behind so there was no eye contact and sat with him facing a the wall, away from any distraction and then told the child to stop the tantrum, she gave it a few moments and then turned the child around when it was still tantruming and very firmly told it face to face to stop the bad behaviour and then turned the child back to the wall. I thought this might help you a little with stopping your son becoming to agitated and irritating his asthma. I'm going to try it with my ds and see what happens. If the child doesn't stop you then get up and tell them that you are going to sit down with a drink and that they are to stay where they are until they have calmed down and are ready to apologise.

If you want to rant and get any of this off your chest or to compare notes just cat me perhaps we can work through this period together. Do you think it's something to do with the similar mumsnet names!

Take care of yourself and here's to a better day today.

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