Am I the ONLY person looking after their toddler full time?

[sushistar]

Hi all
I've barely been on MN for months - I got a lot of encouragement from here when DS was tiny, and then sort of drifted away, because things were going fine. I'm finding things hard again now though, and wondered if anyone could give me some advice?
DS is just 17 months old. We co-sleep most nights, he's still breastfed on demand, and DH and I feel it's imposrtnat to be very responsive to his needs (he's never left to cry etc). This approach to parenting works well for our family, and we have made considerable sacrifices so I can stay at home with DS and not use childcare - I work from home every evening so I can stay with him during the day.

At first I made lots of other mummy friends with babies the same age, but now most - all - of my friends with babies the same age have gone back to work at least part time. I'm the only one still breastfeeding, the only one who's baby doesn't sleep through, the only one cosleeping, and the only one who doesn't have their child in nursery. They all think I'm mad, and I feel like I'm all on my own here. I don't know anyone with a similar approach to parenting as me, and it's really getting me down - especially as most of my frineds thing putting DS in nursery would be 'good for him'. How can I meet some people who do things in a similar way to how DH and I have chosen to do them? I don't mind my frineds having a different approach, but I'd really value hanging out with likeminded people now and again.

Do you live near me?

I have three dc's but I did/do things similar to you, and I also very much missed having likeminded parents around, esp with my first. It is hard. Have you tried contacting the La Leche League? They run groups around the country. Also you could post on (dare I say it) Netmums to see if there are likeminded mums there. good luck

I'm in east london - you?

Have you tried any of the AP sites? Some of those seem to have forums with a community aspect.

I've struggled to find anyone with a similar parenting style in my area, but they can be easy to find on the internet!

I think the problem is not that your friends have a different approach to you - we all do things differently, but raher that they are not respecting your choices and you feel worn down by that.

Do you go to toddler groups, nct coffee mornings? If not - try them and see who you meet. Tbh - the fact that you are still breast feeding (as am I and i've been back at work for a year and dd3 is 2 now), co-sleeping, he doesn't sleep through - that's all just your business. You don't have to share that if you don't want to - and maybe what you need is not friends who are co-sleeping or whatever - but rather friends who can empathise with you on a wide range of issues - people you have an affinity with and they may not be parents. I know you work in the evenings - but could you have 'time off' for a book club, gym class, bible study - whatever would work for YOU as YOU not just you as the lovely mother I'm sure you are.

HTH

sorry, I'm not really in the same position but wanted to answer you anyway- hopefully some others will come along, I know there are a lot on here who share your approach to parenting.

I am a SAHM but with 3 under 4 I'm not exactly on the same track as you (i.e. mine often get left to cry if I am already dealing with one issue and I can't be in 2 places at once). I also would never co-sleep for my own sanity

However, you are not mad, and most parenting styles have pros and cons so people should just respect your choices. I am glad I gave up work cos I love being at home with my LO's even if they do drive me mad some days!

I hope you meet some nice mums who understand your perspective even if they do differently.

Well, I srill look after my DS full time (he's 25 months), but he does sleep in his cot, I'm not breastfeeding (because I couldn't), and he sleeps twelve and a half hours straight through.

However, I always respond when he cries, and have pretty much followed an AP route.

I don't want him to start nursery until he's three.

I don't think you're mad, although I dropped night feeds as soon as I felt he could manage without them because I was so dog-gone tired I could barely see.

As for meeting like-minded people, I meet other Mums in the park. Generally speaking, it's only SAHMs who are in the park with their toddlers on rsiny days.

Good luck! It's tough out there...

(Off to bed, so sorry if you reply and it looks like I'm ignoring you).

Unfortunately I'm in the provinces but I'm sure in London you will be able to find parents who do things similar to you!

I don't really know much about attachment parenting - (that's AP, right?) - I haven't read any books or anything. I know it advocates baby wearing, which we did (DH still does, but he's too heavy for me now!) but presumably it goes beyond that?

We've never followed a set of rules or anything, we just sort of ended up doing what seemed like the right thing - but we've ended up in a very different place from most people we know!

There are plenty of us on here:
www.naturalmamas.co.uk and here:
www.slingmeet.co.uk.
And I'd say your parenting choices are none of your friends' business, frankly.

For the record, I found the same at first, but once I joined a toddler group in our area, I came across lots of mothers who didn't send their little ones to nursery till they were three or thereabouts. Could there be a playgroup/ toddler drop in in your area which fits the bill?
There are lots of us out there, sometimes older mums who've decided to take a break, or people with more than one child.
The strange thing is you will often find yourself friends with people who do do things differently, it is a breath of fresh air and you all learn from each other. So just do things your way and enjoy the freedom it gives you. I find now my kids are older my friends all did things differently from each other, but all were caring in their own way.

sushistar - sorry you're feeling like this. I was the same when DD was six months, but that was because I didn't know anyone else who was going back to work like I had to. Don't dismiss people when you don't know the full story (apart from being at work outside the home, I was exactly the same as you at that stage - BFing, co-sleeping etc).

Hope that makes sense.

I got round feeling different from others by seeking out other mums through nursery. Can you do the same with toddler groups, park visits etc?

Yes AP is attachment parenting

Don't worry too much about the ins and outs of AP, my reason for suggesting looking for the type of person that identifies as AP is that a lot of APers will be doing similar things to you.

The co-sleeping, extended bf, responding to demands with no CIO/CC, SAHP rather than nursery etc are all quite typical of APers (though this obviously doesn't define them).

I go to lots of coffee mornings, and meet lots of lovely people there - but they ask me when he started sleeping through (um... he doesn't, and that's fine by me) and many - most - work part time, so I carefully map our sicial lives around when this or that friend is off work. I'm not socially isolated, I'd just love to find just one other person who sort of thinks the same way, y'know? Because I seem to have ended up in a circle of lovely mummies who I like very much, but who are very very different, and when they all chat about how good nursery has been for their 1 yr old, and how they've 'got their life back' I just feel a bit like an oddball.

Which maybe I am. But if there were more than one of us then I would feel a bit stronger in my choices and not like I had to defend my decisions.

SOCIAL lives - what's a sicial life?!? :0)

sushi - mine are older now (4 and 6), but I was at home with them and worked in the evenings (or late into the night) in order to be at home with them until they went to school (I now work at home while they're at school). I didn't do the co-sleeping, but that was just because I was desperate for sleep, and DH did the night-time childcare! Loads of people thought I was crazy for being at home; one even told me I was damaging DS's development by not putting him in nursery. However, what matters is that you're doing what you feel is right for you and your DS.

I found NCT coffee mornings very helpful. I avoided them for two years until DD was born, as I feared they'd be full of dogmatic types who'd make me feel inadequate. In fact, they were nice, normal, chatty mums, some of whom I am very good friends with now, others of whom I could have a pleasant chat to, and others of whom I would not seek out again. Pretty much like any kind of real life! I found that, while nobody did things exactly the same way that I did, we did all have in common the same thing that everyone has on MN: a desire to do what we felt was best for our children. It was an NCT mummy who said DS was going to be developmentally damaged, but I didn't let that put me off; I just thought that was her opinion, and it wasn't something that I would lose any sleep over.

I would also second Boo's comment about SAHMs and wet parks. We were always the ones with a towel to dry the slide...

In short: you are not alone!

I have DS2 19 months at home with me all bar one hour a week when my mum looks after him while I take DS1 to a swimming class.

I had DS1 at home with me until he was 3yr 5months and enrolled him in a local nursery 2 mornings a week in readiness for school in

September, when he will be 4yr 1mth.

There can be immense pressure to get your DC into Early Years education but you can resist. I'd put out feelers to local Home Ed groups and

you may well find more likeminded people to yourself.

TheOldestCat, it sounds similar in that you didn't know anyone going back to work. There are specific challenges to going back to work and it's nice to have someone going through the same thing - and likewise I'm finding there are definate challenges to looking after a tioddler day in day out and it'd be nice to have someone to compare notes with!

Thanks for the pointers. I'll check out those forums Moomin.
NCT round here is very much for little babies not toddlers - we stopped going when DS at 13 months (entirely accidentally) sat on a very little 2 month old is was a bit embarressing. Because I live in London most people live in little flats or houses and there's not much room for hulking great toddlers!
I wonder if the higher cost of living here makes people mosre likely to go back to work? Or maybe it's the same anywhere.

Thanks for the encouragement Emma - that does feel what it's like, having to resist this well meaning pressure all the time to put him in childcare! I don't think nurserys are wrong or evil, they're just not for us thank you.

Dottoressa, I'm very interested to meet someone else who worked evenings - do you mind me asking what you did / do?
It is HARD doing a 4 or 5 hr stint at the computer working after 8 hrs solid with a toddler who's not keen on napping!

I know what you mean about the conversations and feeling different to other people. I too have made choices that are not always what the majority have followed and have had to learn to see why other people have made their choices and see the positive in their choices, talk about that and then talk about mine.

It's better if there is a good mix within the group, but if you get a group who are all doing very similar things and you are out there on your own, you feel like the 'odd one out' and less able to defend talk about your own way of parenting.

I would say be a little bit more confident in the choices you have made and don't feel that you need to justify your choices in relation to theirs and feel able to talk about your choices in a positive way. If they are really 'lovely mummies' they will respect and understand what you do too.

I have one group of friends and we all do things so differently, but what i like is that we can talk about, joke and respect each others different styles.

Perhaps there should be a lonely hearts for likeminded mums

Hi sushistar

you could be me - or I could be you! My DD is 17 months and I too am looking after her myself full time. We too believe in being very responsive to her needs and want her to be looked after by one of us until playgroup/preschool age. We are still breastfeeding on demand, she is only just beginning to sleep through, not consistent though, and with no pushing/training from us. We don't co-sleep though as she has always been happy in her cot. I work evenings from home too and apart from that we manage on DH's modest salary. We live in a very high-cost area just north of London and most mummies I knew at the start have also gone back to work. I'm the only one in my NCT antenatal group still at home, the only one still feeding, apparently the only one still having broken nights (not sure whether I believe this or not) and when we meet up I am beginning to feel really like the odd one out. I regularly come home when I meet them and say to DH I want to meet more SAHM friends but there just aren't many round here! I second the ideas about daytime toddler activities/parks/coffee mornings etc. and love MIAonline's lonely hearts idea! Got to go now but will check back later!

Sushi - hard isn't the word! I found it excruciating, having to go up to the computer after a 13-hour day with two very young children. However, I still think it was worth it, and I would do it again like a shot (though I'm glad they're at school now, so I can work during the day!)

I'm a freelance features writer, so I am lucky in that I was (am) able to do it all at home. During the school holidays, it's back to evenings and nights - but, again, I personally prefer that for all of us than putting them into holiday clubs/camps. I feel that I chose to have them, and they deserve to have a mother who's available for them (even though I am now largely redundant for anything other than sorting out squabbles, as they play together most of the time!)

As I say, most of my friends thought I was crazy when the children were little. However, I was totally confident that I was doing the right thing for us. DS did do two mornings a week at a lovely little nursery school when he was getting on for four; I deliberately kept him out of school until he was turning five (which meant that he missed most of Reception, as his birthday is in May!) I was told repeatedly that he'd suffer academically; in fact, he's still astronomically ahead of his classmates (though that's a whole other story).

He was undoubtedly less well socialised than his nursery-'educated' peers when he started school, and struggled at first with the whole separation thing. However, I asked the school to concentrate on helping him to bond with his classmates; it took a year or so, but now there's no difference between them.

Things were a bit different with DD. I wanted to have her at home instead of sending her to Reception (not least as she's a June birthday, so still isn't five yet); however, she objected (I think she wanted to copy Big Brother), and so I sent her part-time until after Christmas, and now she's full time. I'd gladly have her at home instead, though - despite the work issue!

I am now waffling terribly. I think if you're confident that you're doing the right thing, everyone else is entitled to think you're as crazy as they like. A nice group of people will always respect your choices, even if they don't agree with them.

Hi Sushistar. I haven't read the whole thread, but I did see that someone pointed you in the direction of slingmeet. I can heartily recommend going along to a meet if you can as if it's anything like the one here (in Manchester) you will find plenty of like-minded people!

I totally sympathize - I'm in a similar situation too. My DD is 18 months and pretty much all the mums that I met at the beginning are now back at work. I work in the evenings too. It made me laugh about being in the park when it is raining - that is ME! I think that you are doing the right thing - stick with it!