Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Has anyone got a gay son?

34 replies

Spidermama · 08/04/2009 21:54

My son is very likely to be gay. Of course it's a bit early to tell but he's very camp, loves Marylin Monroe, plays with dolls all the time, makes cool clothes for his dolls, draws women in fab dresses with handbags and really amazing accessories, has 'jazz hands', hangs out with girls .... I could go on.

I have absolutely no worry whatsoever and would never try to change him. My only concern is I worry for him in his journey through school. In September he'll leave the infants for the juniors and there's a depressing level of homophobia or gender stereotyping/panic goes on there.

Already he has a fair bit of teasing which he shrugs off. He's got lots of really good friends which is helpful, but I worry it's going to get harder and harder for him.

Does anyone have experience of this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Disenchantegg3 · 08/04/2009 21:58

No advice, my eldest is only 4 but your son sounds fabulous and so do you. You are both very lucky

Original poster

Spidermama · 08/04/2009 22:03

Thanks Dis. He is very lovely. He's also really nice to people and makes it his business to 'look after' classmates who're sad. He's such a lovely boy.

I fear for him though. There's still so much wierd anti gay stuff goes on within schools.

OP posts:

MarthaFarquhar · 08/04/2009 22:09

my 10 yo niece's best friend is a very flamboyant, theatrical boy, who loves the company of girls, fashion, and dressing up.

His mother allows him to wear makeup etc at home, but does discourage him from wearing overtly female clothing when out and about. All of his friends, and of course his mother, accept him as he is, but his mother does feel like she has to keep her eyes open for potential bullying. I agree though that with any perceived "difference" it is a hard balance to strike between allowing free expression, and protecting your child from unwanted and upsetting negative attention.

screamingabdab · 08/04/2009 23:19

It makes me sad to hear your lovely son has been teased. There is a little boy in DSs class who sounds just like your DS and I don't believe he has encountered any teasing.

However, I have heard the term "gay" used in the playground as a term of mild abuse, and pointed it out to the headteacher for her to pick up on.

Good luck to you. I will be following this thread with interest, as it has occurred to me to wonder how it is for gay boys

SuziSeis · 08/04/2009 23:31

Spidermama ( regular by the way with house up north)

I have loads of boys and i am domineering so by rights a few of them will be gay

any way

so far i dont know if any of them are but my experience of it is this

my two eldest boys are at a grammar school all boys

ds is in year 12 and not had a girl friend yet butthe feedback from his school is that amongst many of the boys it is 'cool' to be gay

the year below ds ie yr 11 is allegedly well known for having a large cohort of gay and proud young men!

Maybe the tide is turning?

LadyMuck · 08/04/2009 23:40

Ds2 is similar. We have ended up moving schools as his previous school was good for boisterous boys (such as his brother), but wouldn't have been so appreciative of ds2's artistic temperment. We've gone for a smaller school with a strong family atmosphere. As it is smaller it could backfire in that there will be a smaller pool of friends, but i am happier with the values, and also with the fact that it would be much easier to develop friendships outside of the immediate year group.

Just because your ds is "camp" now I would be careful from labelling him as gay just yet - I think that it is too early to assume what his sexual attraction will be, and when I look at my own son it is actually fairly clear that he is fascinated by the female form.

smartiejake · 08/04/2009 23:44

There is an openly gay boy in year 10 at my dds (very small family orientated) independent school. He is very popular and not at all bullied. He has no bones about who or what he is and everyone respects him for his candidness.

As suzi says it doesn't have to mean bullying and discrimination.

serenity · 09/04/2009 01:25

I'm fairly certain DS2 is/will be (not sure how to put it really!) but it's not something I would either discuss with him or about him in RL as I wouldn't want to put pressure on him to be anything atm. Obviously, don't mind talking about it on here I think he's a similar age to your DS, Spidermama, I recall other threads you've done that I've spoken about him on.

DS2 doesn't get teased as such, his eccentricities are generally accepted, but he's lucky enough to have a strong little circle of friends who are very much 'them against the world' I worry more about how he's going to be in secondary school, which is why when choosing one for DS1 I considered DS2 at the same time.

brimfull · 09/04/2009 01:59

I haven't got a gay child ,as far as I know,bbut I can say that my 17 yr old dd has openly gay friends at school.

There does seem to be far more acceptance of homosexuality in teens now .

Junior school age may be different though.

An inner confidence and acceptance of themselves is what seems to have helped the gay freinds of dd.

ninedragons · 09/04/2009 03:01

What are jazz hands?

I don't know that I'd worry too much. IME most parents these days have openly gay friends so it's something that most children will have seen as completely normal from earliest infancy.

JodieO · 09/04/2009 03:40

How old is he? Sounds you're being a little over the top to me tbh; doesn't matter if he's gay or not and if he is then he is, nothing will change that.

JodieO · 09/04/2009 03:41

And yes, what are "jazz hands"?

WowOoo · 09/04/2009 06:05

Think jazz hands is where you gesticulate wildly (think of how v camp actors on TV use their hands)?

Used to work with someone who worried about her son. Luckily for them, he's so bright, sharp, funny and popular that there have not been many major problems so far. (he's almost 11 ish)

But, know that there was a big bust up with one of his best friends who seems to have dropped him. Not sure if this was about him being quite effeminate and his mate a lad's lad or something else entirely!

Think best you can do is jsut strive to make him as confident and loved as you can. (as I'm sure you are !)
Perhaps even prepare yourself for a time in future when he might perhaps be struggling with his sexuality.

Friend is worried he might not speak to her about it. She just has to give him space and time!

savageisfat · 09/04/2009 08:42

Aww spidermama you sound like such a lovely mummy and your boy will be fine with such a supportive and accepting family. My best friend at school was very very camp and has since come out as being gay but to be honest he was never ever bullied. He just hung around with the girls. He didn't have any male friends but they all just left him alone and kind of just thought of him as one of the girls if that makes sense? I really hope your son has the same experience. My brother is gay and was horrendously bullied at school but he wasn't particularly camp or 'obviously' gay. Sadly some people are bullied and some are not.

I think a lot of it comes down to the personality of the boy. My friends who wasnever bullied was an extrovert and didn't care if anyone said anything so no one bothered him as they knew it wouldn't get a reaction. My brother on the other hand was very shy and considered to be a 'swat' for being fairly clever and had no friends. It's very sad but I am sure with a bit of observation from you and the school and problems can be nipped in the bud. He sounds so wondeful that if there is any justice he'll be the most popular kid in school.

CMOTdibbler · 09/04/2009 08:58

One of my nephews could have been described exactly like that at 7 - at 15 he is still very theatrical, adores drama, dance, singing etc. He is very popular, and currently has a girlfriend (for whatever that means) - I don't think he has been particularly bullied, and maybe thats because he has a lot of involvement in am dram and therefore has loads of friends who are the same.

I think that making sure your DS has friends outside school who are similarly artistic would be a great idea

happywomble · 09/04/2009 09:54

Does a boy choosing to play only with girls at 7 mean he is probably gay? There is a boy in DS class who is lovely but only plays with the girls. My DS doesn't play with him as "he plays with the girls". I don't like the idea of this boy being left out in the group of boys, however it appears that it is this boys choice to only play with girls.

madamekoto · 09/04/2009 09:55

My friends son was exactly as you described and now aged 15 he has stated that he is gay. To be honest its about as much an issue as people choose to make off it. He has been bullied, but he now has a lovely group of friends of both sexes and is a happy well adjusted boy.

Anyone who is remotely different will generally have a tougher ride than anyone who is considered normal, whatever that is! (Try being ginger! )

He sounds like a lovely boy, who may or may not be gay. Let him be what he will be and enjoy the journey.

madamekoto · 09/04/2009 10:08

I think the times are a changing and hopefully in a couple of years someones sexuality will be about as relevant as whether they like tea or coffee.

Happy womble is right and a tendency to veer towards female interests does not mean that kid will be gay, anymore than a tomboy would become a lesbian.

bedlambeast · 09/04/2009 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Spidermama · 09/04/2009 12:35

Some encouraging posts here.
Thanks bedlambeast for your lovely post.
Thanks savageisfat too. Sorry to hear about your brother.
SuziSeis Hi. . I hope you've settled in to your lovely home. Your post gives me hope.

jodieO I'm not being 'over the top' but just trying to get experiences of others so I can help my ds as and when. Stonewall have a campaign about homophobia in schools and are producing a dvd so it clearly can be problem.

Those who've said not to label him 'gay' to early .... yes I agree. I'm using shorthand. Others say 'artisitc' or theatrical' which I think is euphemistic and also doesn't go far enough. Lots of boys are artisitc and theatrical but not as, well, camp as my ds.

I'm cheered by stories of secondary school being more accepting. It certainly should be here in Brighton at least. Perhaps it's tougher in junior school. I know some really nice dads who won't hug their sons, only their daughters. Plenty of men do tell their sons off for dressing up or humiliate them if they draw flowers.

My concern has been promtped lately by an incident. A boy came to visit my older son last week and brought his 6 year old brother. My ds was so excited at the possibility of playing with someone new but both visitors went straight up to ds's bedroom and went into some sort of weird homo panic because he has dolls on the bed. They teased him and refused to hang out with him. He ended up crying, locked in the toilet with his dolls. What's more I later discovered my older ds, whilst not exactly joining in with the teasing, DIDN'T stick up for his brother. We had serious words.

I guess I thought, well if DS1 is too easily led and cowardly to stand up for his own brother (DS1 is normally confident) then things could get bad?

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 09/04/2009 12:49

I have my suspicions that my eldest might be. I posted about it a few weeks back. But no concrete evidence. So far I've witnessed no real homophobia in the primary school (althought they all use 'gay' as an insult ). DS is now at secondary and no trouble atm. Mild piss-taking about his long hair but nothing major. He is a lot tougher about things than he used to be and a real 'character' amongst his friends. If he does turn out to be gay I have quiet confidence that he will cope.

Libra · 09/04/2009 13:05

Sorry to be slightly more negative, but my son has had the word 'gay' thrown at him for the last three years at secondary school.

I don't think he is. He doesn't think he is. What he is is short, musical and a high achiever.

It is used entirely as a form of bullying at his school. An ex-friend from primary school (whom I actually suspect may be gay but in denial) arrived at the school with my son and started the rumour that DS1 is gay.

DS1 has spent the last three years having 'gay' shouted at him in corridors by people he has never met, having people refuse to sit by him 'in case', and his friends have been accused of being gay by association. It has been tough for him and his friends although the school has been very supportive.

I believe the whole thing has died down now (coming to end of third year), but he has been in tears about it more than once.

Possibly being a very 'out'there' kind of character would have worked better with such an accusation - true or not - and DS1 unfortunately showed the bully that he was extremely hurt by the taunting, which of course made it worse, but I think that it can be used as a bullying tactic.

OrmIrian · 09/04/2009 13:08

libra - I'm not denying that it can happen. I just hope (beleive) that DS#1 has toughened up enough to cope if it does. No guarantees of course but I can't beleive how he copes with things that a few years ago would have had him in tears. Of course he may not be gay at all.....

Libra · 09/04/2009 13:11

I agree that it is your son's response that is essentially here. I am afraid that DS1 has never dealt well with this sort of bullying, and so it got worse rather than better.

minxofmancunia · 09/04/2009 13:40

Whatever he turns out to be and he sounds fab, he'll be ok because he's got a supportive and understanding Mummy who'll always look out for him .

A woman I know the cornered me the other day about her ds2 (I work in CAMHS) and asked me how young you could tell if your child was "mad" (her words ). She listed some of the things you said in your op, I said it didn't sound like there was a problem at all, her dh then said "oh ....(womans name) encourages him because she doesn't care if we end up with a gay son" cue an argument, it was horrible, I just said there's no "encouraging" about it if he's gay he's gay at which they both looked distinctly uncomfortable, made me v sad for him.

I have a couple of boys on my caseload who're lovely and I think their Mums realise they're gay (they're 10/11) but just won't say it openly as they're terrified of what their husbands might say, such a shame really.

I do think in brighton at secondary school you might be ok tho, in manchester (the northern equivalent of Brighton when it comes to gayness!) I don't think it's a stigma in secondary schools.

Flip

1 2