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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I can't stand my sons at the moment, i have no control over them ...

39 replies

Disenchantegg3 · 03/04/2009 15:40

they have no respect for me,

they do the opposite of what I say, they laugh at me, hit me spit (?!?!) at me.

DS just came over and sneezed on my dinner i said 'DS2 thats so rude, thats my dinner' he laughed and tried to spit in it.

I have no idea where the spitting comes from

When DH isn't here they just take the piss out of me and i end up spending the day crying.

the boys are 4 and 2 and i have a 3 month old girl.

Ive tried naughty spots, charts, frigging everything.

Ive even lost my rag, shouted and smacked, they LAUGHED at me.

Im at the end of my tether, Im depressed anyway, my whole life is EXACTLY hopw I wanted it to be... so why do I hate it so much??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PlumBumMum · 03/04/2009 15:47

for you, thats very young for spitting, you need to be in control infront of them don't let them see you crying, and please don't be afraid of your own children

When my dd started getting abit too big for her boots, I got a bin bag and threw her toys out, ok so I didn't actually throw them out but she thought I did and she was shocked into starting to behave then a combination of timeouts, praise and a wee bit of special time with each one

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 03/04/2009 15:50

How does their father treat you? Because sometimes boys pick up contemptuous attitudes towards their mothers from their fathers.

Original poster

Disenchantegg3 · 03/04/2009 15:50

I've taken all their toys away before, it had no affect. They just fought more because they had nothing to do.

They act like toddler yobbos and it makes me so where are my little boys?

I am scared of them, because they push me and push me and I don't want to snap at them.

I feel so incompetant, like I shouldn't have these kids, I'm no kind of mother

OP posts:

PlumBumMum · 03/04/2009 15:50

How were they before dd came along, they are probably pushing you because they are not used to sharing you with the baby

Original poster

Disenchantegg3 · 03/04/2009 15:52

solidgold

He is not abusive per se, but I would not say he is always fully respectful towards me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Disenchantegg3 · 03/04/2009 15:53

No they have been like this for a while, perhaps it started more when I was pregnant though because I had SPD and could not run after them or disaplin them very well at that point. Now I just feel emotionally weak.

OP posts:

LIZS · 03/04/2009 15:54

Have they been outside today - they sounds frustrated and need to burn off energy. Might help ease the tension. Does your dh take them out without you to give you a break (he's not workign iirc)

PlumBumMum · 03/04/2009 15:54

solidgold is right, if dad isn't treating you with respect they won't, have to go but will check back later, hope your ok

Original poster

Disenchantegg3 · 03/04/2009 15:57

Yes, they wanted to go outside so I got their shoes, coats on, set up DDs buggy outside got her ready, we went out (they have a £350 play house with slide! out there so not boring) they played for 5 mins then ran into the kitchen started pulling everything off the sides.

they said they wanted to go in the house again, so i got everything in the house and they started screaming to go out again everythings a battle.

DH looks after them 90% of the time and I sort DD out. I think thats the problem really.

OP posts:

daftpunk · 03/04/2009 15:57

i would talk to my HV..the dc are very young to be behaving like that...you really have to get this behaviour sorted PDQ...

good luck!

Original poster

Disenchantegg3 · 03/04/2009 15:58

They go to playgroups, singalong groups, the park etc most days so its not like they are trapped inside.

OP posts:

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 03/04/2009 15:58

are you on ADs?

3 under 5 is really, really hard, even with angelic children

are you consistent?

are the punishments immediate and relevant?

they see you cry and lose control and that you are scared by them, you need to get back in control with DHs back up, and that means he treats you with respect

have you considered parenting classes or courses?

the attention they get when naughty is still attention.

hitting and spitting is a normal part of toddlerhood, but it has to be dealt with and nipped in the bud.

homestart might be good for you too

Original poster

Disenchantegg3 · 03/04/2009 15:59

I know,

they are just shits, theres no other word.

Its so embaressing.

My uncle came this moning, hes ill and has chrones so looks a bit drawn, they were sreaming 'ewww evil man, evil man'

I just wanted to die.

The 4 yr old is very very intelligent, he honestly is and he leads the younger one on so much.

OP posts:

LIZS · 03/04/2009 16:00

Can't you just let them outside and watch from the house ?

Original poster

Disenchantegg3 · 03/04/2009 16:01

I'm not on ADs, DH is.

Some days I feel fine, I skip to the park lol... some days I can't even brush my teeth im so sad.

OP posts:

swanriver · 03/04/2009 16:01

Get them back on your side. Make them your "team". It's easy to see them as enemy to be defeated.
After all 4 and 2 are really quite little,not much of a match for you in terms of strength and cunning.
They laugh because they don't know what will happen next. It's a nervous reaction not mockery. Mine used to dance around on dinnertable at that age, laughing at me.
I only changed this terrible Nurse Ratchet with lunatics setup when I sat down at table ignored all the awful things they were doing and started having a nice time with them, chatting, laughing telling jokes about the food and the house, drawing them in. Then I started to regain authority (positive reinforcement of their good side) and was able to tell them what boundaries were again.
So advice is MAKE FRIENDS WITH THEM, before you tell them what to do.

Original poster

Disenchantegg3 · 03/04/2009 16:02

Id have to stand in the kitchen Liz.

I feel like such a failure.

The only thing I ever wanted was to be a mum, the only thing I ever thought I would be good at, and Im not.

OP posts:

LIZS · 03/04/2009 16:07

Could he not have taken one with him ? Sounds like you need to take a step back and focus on one thing at a time to nip in the bud ratehr than being too general . So you do a chart per child for one aspect , such as spitting, and enforce that for a week then review. Only make a fuss over good behaviour, especially if spontaneous.

LIZS · 03/04/2009 16:07

And do you need to watch constantly - they can't play alone in the garden ?

swanriver · 03/04/2009 16:09

X posts, remember that awful thing of putting them in garden, unable to play for a minute without supervision, coming back in trashing everything with muddy feet AS WELL.
Again it is attention seeking, you have to go out and sort of be there so that they can remember that they like playing with each other, but can do without you as referee.
It's tremendously difficult at first, but you sort of show them you are valuing the way they play by making little comments on how they are playing, that was a big jump, oh are you going to fall off, and after a bit they feel more relaxed and can do without your input. Then they will play together without you.

It feels odd at first, and false, but does work.

Have to go now, Dcs having bustup

Original poster

Disenchantegg3 · 03/04/2009 16:10

I wouldn't leave them in the garden alone.

He is helping clear my grandads flat who died recently so not really appropriate for him to take one.

But I feel like I should be able to have all 3 by myself.

Millions of other women do it whilst their husbands work 40,45, 50 hours a week, why can't I cope for one day?

OP posts:

Madmentalbint · 03/04/2009 16:11

Excellent post Swanriver

Hope things get better soon Disenchantegg3

Original poster

Disenchantegg3 · 03/04/2009 16:13

Thanks madmental bit

love your name

it all seems simple when its written down when you all write such obvious things, but when they are screaming at you and all you want to do is walk away its hard.

Im really grate fulm for MN sometimes, lol. Thanks,

Ill be back later x

OP posts:

CoteDAzur · 03/04/2009 16:19

What you need is a slap.

SLAP

Get hold of yourself, woman. You are the parent. They are the children. Small children at that.

If you don't like how they behave, tell them off and punish them. Stick them in separate rooms. No desert for a week. No park. No toys. No TV. Or whatever they enjoy.

You have to establish your authority. If you are the doormat when they are 2 and 4, can you imagine what it will be like when they are teenagers?

midnightexpress · 03/04/2009 16:31

If you feel like they are ganging up on you, is there any way you can get them to spend more time apart? Are they perhaps feeling in need of a bit more individual attention since your DD came along? We have two DSs of 2 and 3, and they spend a lot of time together and although they are pretty good most of the time, they do wind each other up sometimes. I think ds1 sometimes gets frustrated that ds2 'messes up' his games and ds2 gets frustrated when he can't do things as well as ds1 so spending time apart concentrating on what they want to do, as individuals, can help dissipate the frustration and calm things down a bit.

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