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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I can't stand my sons at the moment, i have no control over them ...

39 replies

Disenchantegg3 · 03/04/2009 15:40

they have no respect for me,

they do the opposite of what I say, they laugh at me, hit me spit (?!?!) at me.

DS just came over and sneezed on my dinner i said 'DS2 thats so rude, thats my dinner' he laughed and tried to spit in it.

I have no idea where the spitting comes from

When DH isn't here they just take the piss out of me and i end up spending the day crying.

the boys are 4 and 2 and i have a 3 month old girl.

Ive tried naughty spots, charts, frigging everything.

Ive even lost my rag, shouted and smacked, they LAUGHED at me.

Im at the end of my tether, Im depressed anyway, my whole life is EXACTLY hopw I wanted it to be... so why do I hate it so much??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PinkTulips · 03/04/2009 16:35

why don't you let them outside on their own? dd is 4 and ds1 is 2 and they go outside if the weather is halfway decent to burn off energy... our garden isn't enclosed but they know if they go out of bounds they get brought back in and lose out on treats so they rarely dare it, and i keep the door open so i can hear them constantly... if all goes still i run out and check on them.

we do naughty step and removing of toys and although they still misbehave, they know i'm serious so 50% of the time a warning of 'you'll go on the step' or 'i'll take x and put it in the bin' works, the other 50% i follow through.

you need to figure out what matters to them most... tv, toys, treats.... and hold that to ransom for good behaviour.

and follow through! the second he tried to spit on your food he should have been immedietly hauled off to the step. same for being rude to your uncle, there should have been an immediate consequence for speaking so nastily... where on earth have they learned phrases like 'evil man' anyway

most of all, remember they are trying at these ages, they will test your limits and 'forget' the rules (i currently spend 24/7 shouting 'put the damn cat down' at ds1) but you have to try and not take it personally, i know that sounds mad when it's directed at you like the food incident but honestly they're just testing boundaries and haven't yet learned that just because something is funny doesn't make it acceptable.

it's a horrible one to use but occasionally i resort to 'do you like making mummy sad? because what you did made mummy sad'.... i have had a defiant 'yes!' on occasion but usually even that was said with a wobbly lip

even when they've been little shits try and hug them, cuddle them, tell them you love them,.... as much for your sake as theirs, don't let their behavior make you give up on being a loving parent..... don't get angry at them, get angry at their behaviour. remember even if they've been terrible all day to make a fuss when they do something good... even if you don't feel like it

PlumBumMum · 03/04/2009 17:09

Disenchantegg3, loads of brilliant posts, also you said your dh has them 90% of the time, does he just like to be one of the boys and not tell them off,

sit down with dh and go through a set of rules you are both going to stick too, agree with whoever said make friends with him, don't feel bad just because sometimes you have to make yourself do these things

I had one of those days today nobody was being bold but I just had to keep repeating everything, get shoes on etc, and I thought what the hell am I doing wrong,and it does make you feel like shit, but tomorrow is another day

Nonicknamesleft · 03/04/2009 22:26

I'm not a doctor (seem to start all my mumsnet posts with a disclaimer), but I think you need help, and I do think you may need some antidepressant-type treatment. Your lack of self-esteem is so sad, and I'm sure, not deserved, but may be part of your problem.

I don't have solutions for you, or even advice as I completely recognise the feeling of not being in charge (and that's just with one girl toddler, plus baby girl), and it's devastating. You DO feel such a failure, I know.

Give yourself a break. I think you ought to talk to a professional about PND because you sound to me as though you are struggling and you'll never get on top of the situation while you are feeling so rubbish about yourself. And please try to stop being so hard on yourself because you sound like a very patient and good-hearted woman.

And as for needing a slap - well - if it were that bloody easy we wouldn't all be on this board day and night, would we....

piscesmoon · 03/04/2009 22:39

'DS just came over and sneezed on my dinner i said 'DS2 thats so rude, thats my dinner' he laughed and tried to spit in it.'

This is just too wishy washy-you are the adult and he is the child-you need to get down to his level-look him in the eye and tell him in no uncertain terms that it isn't acceptable and you are not having it. Do not cry in front of them-however much you feel like it.
I think you need to get together with your DH and set boundries and keep to them.
You sound as if you are very depressed and need to get some outside help. I should start with your GP. You need to get it sorted soon or life will be impossible in a few years time.

piscesmoon · 03/04/2009 22:40

'DS just came over and sneezed on my dinner i said 'DS2 thats so rude, thats my dinner' he laughed and tried to spit in it.'

piscesmoon · 03/04/2009 22:41

Sorry-I don't know why it posted twice. Reading it through it seems a bit harsh. Be kind to yourself and get some advice. I would recommend parenting classes-I found them helpful.

applepudding · 03/04/2009 23:06

Agree with Nonicknames - I think that you need help for yourself, you sound as if you are depressed, you need help to raise your self esteem, build your confidence to help you see when you are doing a good job, and I am sure you are doing a good job most of the time, you are just not able to see it at the moment. Do see your GP.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 04/04/2009 08:56

if some days you are so sad you cannot be bothered to brush your teeth, you need some help.

you really sound depressed to me, and i have been there

just becasue you have some 'up' days, does not mean you are clinically depressed.

not taking care of yourself, is part of it

low self esteem, no energy, sad, feeling inadequate and worthless are all signs

please see your doctor

compo · 04/04/2009 09:05

the 2 year old isn't malicious or a little shit
he thinks it's a game to sneeze and spit on your food
you have to tell hm is unacceptable, put him on the naughty step etc
let them out inot the garden, they will be fine as lon as they can't get out of it (but at Pink Tulips letting her 2 yr old out alone into an unenclosed garden, my 2 yr old opened our back gate and ran out into the road )

LIZS · 04/04/2009 11:28

Is you Surestart open over the easter holidays - there may be someone there to give you immediate advice in behaviour management. While your dh isn't working may be a good time to look into parenting groups or even some sort of training to give you skills to enable you to work once your dc are older. Time out of the home without the kids may help you shift focus away from their behaviour, day in day out, and give you more confidence to handle them effectively.

PinkTulips · 04/04/2009 12:00

compo, thanks for the concern but we live in the middle of the countryside... if they escape into the field across the street i can still see them, no one lives in the houses to either side so no cars drive past our house and if the do it's at 10 mile an hour because it's a cul de sac.

i can see them wherever they are from the windows and have the door open to hear them constantly.

they can't come to any harm... well, no worse than the risk of falling over which can happen as easily in our garden.

they never go up the street as they know it's forbidden and they have so much space to run around in there's no need. a bit of freedom tends to make kids more responsible not less.

when i was 4 my mother used let me wander all over our huge housing estate in holland by myself, with canals and roads in every direction.... now that's mad!

Miggsie · 04/04/2009 19:06

Do they do this sort of thing to their dad?

If DD is rude to me, DH says "that's no way to treat mummy" or similar and is very strict.

They need to realise he thinks it's unacceptable too, and that he backs you up.

Have you discussed it with your DH? You need his support to get the boys on your side.

izzymom · 04/04/2009 20:46

Disenchanted - I feel really worried by your posts,I think you need to speak to your HV or GP on Monday, you sound very depressed. Also wonder what is going on with you and your DP for your boys to think it's ok to treat you like this? The best way for children to learn is through modelling (copying) adult's behaviour, but sadly this works both ways,so if they see inappropriate behaviour they will copy this too.

Things will get better, and there is lots of support out there,but you need to make the first move to ask for it. Please keep posting (ignore the unhelpful you need a slap comment), there is support on here for you, but I feel that you need some 'real life' help too.

In the meantime, try to get yourself some time out (even if it's just sitting on the toilet alone reading a magazine!).

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/04/2009 16:00

This reply has been deleted

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