I want to stop my son playing with one of his friends... how would you handle it?

[bergentulip]

Well, when I say 'friend', he's the neighbour, and he's significantly older than my 3.10yr (4 in May) old DS1.

As with a lot of 4yr olds, he's easily led and will play along with anyone that shows an interest. He gets on very well with a 6yr old neighbour, who is a lovely little boy and seems to be very patient with my DS. Very understanding, appreciates his age.

But, there is another neighbour, a little boy, who's 8/9yrs old. He and the 6yr old play together, and sometimes come and ask that my DS comes out too....

All fine. I like to encourage him to go out and play and have fun. I keep an eye on it. BUT, when the 8/9yr old is there, all games seem to revolve around fighting, or guns,.. I'm clearly not happy about.

I have made a decision that 4 is too young to be exposed to this and will try and restrict the time he spends with this neighbour.
But, how do I turn this other boy away without offending him. I know he's only 8, and who am I to say what is appropriate. I don't have any children that old yet, but I just don't want my much younger son getting the impression that it is acceptable to pretend to shoot people, or hit them, or shout 'I'm going to kill you' !!(!)

I don't think I am overreacting. The 8yr old really does seem quite aggressive, and I am led to believe he plays quite a lot of computer games meant for adults (18+ soldier/combat etc....)

How would you handle it? Am I being ridiculous???

There is quite an age gap however dd is 5 and has a 13 year old brother so is exposed to far more stuff than he was at her age with no older sibling. I do think it's sad that you are thinking of turning him away but I still think it's an age gap.

I'd have a chat to the eight year old and explain that your son is too young yet. Just ask him if he can think of some games which are a bit 'nicer' for a little boy - sort of get him on side with the idea and make him part of the decision making process.

IME, 8 year olds are very responsive and can also be very responsible when you talk to them in a "What do you think/suggest?" kind of way.

They can often be very protective of much younger children as well.

I was going to say you are fighting a losing battle (ho ho) by attempting to stop little boys pretending to shoot people - even if you've managed to steer ds away from it to date, he was bound to find out at some point.

BUT I would be worried about the 8yo playing 18+ computer games. No idea what to suggest though, apart from making an excuse every time the 8yo turns up. Which would hurt his feelings.

Oh, I LIKE Doodle's idea, that sounds well worth a go.

I think you are being unreasonable.

If the older child was bullying him or being nasty then yes you would have to step in. But he isn't.

Once your child gets to school you won't be able to control what he is exposed to. Yes he's not school age yet but he will be soon enough.

IMO acting through these types of things - pretending to kill things, blowing stuff up etc is a way for children to work through these concepts and understand them in a non threatening/safe environment.

My ds (4yo) isn't exposed to violent video games or violent tv (ceebeebies only till a couple of weeks ago) but still runs round blowing stuff up, having make belief guns and pretending to 'kill' things. It's how he understands how it all works. The death thing comes up more just after a pet dies usually.

That's the thing. I feel bad about it. He always has this quite miserable look on his face, a bit like he;s been turfed out the house.... and he's often alone.

It's hard not to be judgemental about the parents and their apparent approach to parenting. My assumptions etc.... But I'll refrain.

I would not outright turn the poor boy away, but it seems quite clear to me he's a bad influence on my 4yr old's behaviour.

Would it be possible to just speak to this neighbour-boy as an adult / another humanbeing ?? ie, - "I don't think DS is going to come out today.... I hope [other neighbour] is in... DS is just a bit too little to play the games that you play together at the moment"... ???

It's not my place to tell him what is / is not appropriate.

doodle2u - x-post

Nice to see that you think that approach would work.

Fook - I've had a post acknowledged - does that make me a celebrity mumsnetter like they're talking about on that other thread?

No? - hmmmm, thought not!

I know I can't control what he's exposed to once at school, but at the moment he really does just watch Cbeebies, play with his lego / puzzles / wooden trains etc.... and of course has a lot of time outside playing with the neighbours. This 8yr is actually not around that much.
he's still such a little boy

I don't know if I agree with you though The Armadillo.... maybe we are just an extremely passifist household, but I would be extremely unhappy if he was running around pretending to kill things and blow stuff up.

I am willing to accept that I might be really out of touch, but it would upset me to think so.

doodle2u - not read that other thread. Should I? Don't often see my posts acknowledged either.... always put it down to me not saying anything controversial enough though.

agree with edam that you are fighting a losing battle-most boys like this kind of game! in reception my ds seemed to do nothing other than play some form of war/superhero fighting game in the playground. Its a boy thing-in the same way that if my dd (4) is in the company of other children all she wants to do is play imaginary games with her many dolls!
My ds is nearly 8 and he still likes these sorts of imaginary games-but he would also be sensitive to younger children if he was asked to tone down his play. It would be worth being honest in my view-say that his games are too rough for your ds and see if he responds to that

chipkid, I have once or twice gone out there when he's handed my DS a IMO quite realistic-looking handgun(!), and had the conversation with him- 'Ds too young, you can do what you like, no guns for him, yadee yadee yada', in a nice, approachable, reasonable way, explaining to him why I don't want him to play with them.

I just don't think this 8yr old really takes it in. He certainly does not change his behaviour around my DS. Like I said in my first post, the 6yr old does.

The 8yr is an only child. Would that have anything to do with it?

I really do worry about the fact he plays with 18+ video games- as you said edam. IMO these are influencing the way he plays and interracts with other children.... but maybe that's getting a bit too 'amateur pychologist'.
It's not my place really though, to make any sort of judgement on what his parents allow him to do. It does concern me. There are all these studies that suggest young minds just cannot cope with games like that and they can have a really negative affect on their personalities.

I digress.

It seems many people just think I am delaying the inevitable and should suck it up and accept my lovely sensitive little boy will not remain so for much longer?????!!!!
aaahhhh...... noo........

Sorry- I did not mean that because he's an only child he is aggressive!! That came out all wrong in print.
What I meant was- could the fact that he's an only child impact the way he's able to relate to other children of varying ages and alter his behaviour?

Sorry. That probably sounds all wrong too. Am prepared to be flamed....

surely a 3 year (even if they are 4 in May) is too young to be 'playing out' ?

fair enough if they are all in your garden, but I wouldn't let them play anywhere where there wasn't an adult present at all times

Given the cul-de-sac I live in, and the other children that live here, and the type of child he is, they are, and the fact that I can see to the end of the road from the window,... and keep an eye on him without him realising, I feel that 4yrs old is not too young.

I started a thread about it a while back testing what other people thought, and felt that I was not way off the mark with that one. Dependent on the child, the road, etc etc....

But, my concerns about this one particular influence do not really back this up!!(!) I realise.

do you watch him all the time out of the window?
he isn't 4 though, he's 3! how long has he been playing out for?

Your 'lovely, sensitive little boy' won't change into a monster because he's playing with an older boy who plays games you don't approve of.

And, as someone else said, why is he 'playing out' at this age?

Can you not invite the others to play inside sometimes?
An eight year old is more likely to modify his behaviour for you if he's under your roof.

But, really, I think it would be a bit mean to discourage this lad's company - sometimes you have to accept that people from different families have different ideas from yours.

sorry...but i think he's too young to be out by himself too..so i'd keep him in and invite the boys in too. That way you would have more supervison with their play and could steer it a bit more.

I know- I know.
I did write 'my lovely sensitive little boy' with a slight hint of self-mocking. He's my little baby and I don't like that there are other influences that might make him believe or do things differently to what I feel is right or 'proper'.

That is a fact of life, I know, I accept that. Still, difficult.

They have been into the house and played in my DS's room, but all that happens is they start jumping on the bed and pulling over the furniture- not something that happens when he is not there.

Underneath all the pent-up aggression and (as I see it) seeming focus on violence I see quite a lonely, sad little boy. The last thing I would want to do is upset him, or ostricise him, but simple fact, I don't want my not yet 4yr old playing with him --- yet.

Perhaps I will have to rethink letting him 'out'. I have no issues with the safety element, but he is perhaps too young to be unsupervised with older children.

He does not respond to my requests to play different games when he is with my son. So, it still leaves me not knowing how to handle him. I don't think his parents would be receptive to anything I had to say.
For example, there have been one or two instances where another elderly neighbour has asked the 8yr old not to play on his driveway (fair request I'd think), and the 8yr old father has come storming out a minute later shouting at the elderly neighbour not to 'have a go' at his kid....

You really seem to want it both ways - the peace of your son off playing with other kids, but the control of him behaving exactly as you want.
I'm afraid if you want control over everything he does you won't get it by letting him play unsupervised at such a young age.
Next time they're in your house, have a game of snap - they'll soon get bored and wander off - but then you'll have to entertain your son yourself.

I think the idea of talking to the older boy is great - maybe tell him that you are worried that your boy could get nightmares or something to appeal to his protective side.

I would spend some time with them when they're outside, observing their play and talking to them about it when the play gets violent/setting boundaries where you feel it's no longer appropriate for your son, explaining why and getting their views on it. The older boy might want you to approve of him if he gets little positive attention elsewhere so maybe he will listen.

Seems sad to just tell him to go away. Maybe invite him in like the other poster suggested - that way you can involve them in something that isn't violent and use your own rules. As a wayward teenager I loved spending time at my friend's house where the parents made us pizzas on friday nights and talked to us about stuff we were interested in to stop us roaming the streets looking for boys and booze! Looking back I am so grateful that they recognised that I really needed some friendly adult input instead of just banning me from seeing their daughter. I know it's a completely different age group but it sounds like you care about this little chap on your street and maybe you could have a positive influence on him if you spent some time with them both when they're together.

But - on the other hand I think it's OK to just stop it altogether if that's what feels right. I've just stopped my 4 year old twin boys seeing a little friend who plays really destructively and it's been a real relief. They always end up fighting, shouting and wrecking stuff when they are with him - I'm not saying they are angels but they are very innocent still and they play really well with other kids. This little boy has some very strange macho influences and watches stuff on TV that I'd never allow - superhero stuff etc, and like you I'm of the pasifist sort who would rather postpone the whole bang bang thing for as long as possible.

I'm quite capable of entertaining him myself. I love to do just that and spend my entire weekend playing with him and my DS2. Hours of it. I work during the week and don't get the opportunity. My DH does.

But he wants to play with other children. I want him to have the freedom to do just that. I think it is important. And I think it is a shame to have my child cooped up in the house when the weather is so lovely outside.

Yes- I probably do want it both ways. I don't know. Don't all mothers? I want him to have freedom, but worry about what that might bring.

I don't think it's unsafe where we live to have him outside the front door with some toys or his bike on the lawn.

And for what it's worth, I do think this 8yr old needs watching. I just wanted some advice about how to go about restricting the time he plays with him..... I don't think there will be an easy answer anyway.

Right, I am off for my dinner. WIll be back later,

I have read rest of thread now. I didnt realise you werent there. You cant complain what goes on if you're not there and left him on his own to be watched by the very child you are complaining about.
SOrry, 3 is far too young to be left out to play..

Let him 'play' or keep him in side....simple. 4 is very young to be outside with no adult supervision imo. Sorry, not a flaming, just an observation - correct me if I'm wrong.