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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I am seriously considering taking lo out of play group please help advise me

42 replies

IamAlsoADreamer · 23/03/2009 11:42

Right ds has been going since november and goes 3 days a week.
He hates it-well he hates that I leave him.
Every morning [seven days a week] he asks if his school is open.
Everyone around me is telling me that he has to go that it is doing him good in the long term as he starts preschool in september 5 days a week and that he will have to go then etc etc.
We have no family nearby and so whilst I think it si good for him to be amking freinds etc I just worry about him as he gets soo upset about going.
His keyworker suggested taking him in earlier as he settles more quickly if he goes to breakfast club than if he goes in at normal time.
They are all lovely really lovely.
But last week I noticed that on the days he did not go he was so much happier.
On one of the days it was closed [he had asked me agin and I had said no it's closed] he hugged me so tight and said I miss you so much mummy when i go.
what would you do.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mankyscotslass · 23/03/2009 11:46

If he was mine and he did not need to go and he was so unhappy, I would take him out.

Things could change a lot by spetember, and in the meantime I would just go to a lot of toddler groups.

Doodle2U · 23/03/2009 11:46

Whilst this was happening to me with my own DS, I persevered.

In retrospect, I wish I'd taken him out and kept him with me - I was lucky, I had that choice....many families don't and just have to deal with it. If you do have a choice, I'd take him out. September is a whole half a year away and it'll be time enough then.

oopsagain · 23/03/2009 11:46

how old is he?
if you don't need the time then i'd consider taking him out tbh.
maybe he's just not ready yet....

traceybath · 23/03/2009 11:47

I'd keep him out - sounds like its pointlessly upsetting both of you.

TheArmadillo · 23/03/2009 11:50

my ds was like this and in the end I perservered for a year before taking him out. I wish I hadn't waited that long.

It was a lovely preschool - just ds hated being away from me.

He's 4 now na dhaving a year at home before school and is much more settled and happy. And also excited about going to school as I was worried the preschool experience would put him off. He's better at going without me and being part of a group now he's a bit older.

I would vote for pulling him out.

Original poster

IamAlsoADreamer · 23/03/2009 11:53

thankyou for all of your replies so far.
He is 3and a half.
I just want to do the best for him-when he is there they say he is ok a bit shaky but ok and does join in in things.
But i just feel so guilty and I do miss him and I know I am also vv pfb.
I spoke to hv about concerns and she said he was testing me and that I just had to satnd firm
My dh ,mum,freinds, playgroup all agree and so I do wonder if is just me?

OP posts:

choosyfloosy · 23/03/2009 11:55

NO - take him out!!!!!!!

unless you absolutely have to send him for economic reasons, do not force him to do this! listen to your gut!

To declare my stance, my ds was in childcare from 11 months and IMO was/is fine. but the myth that children need to be 'socialised' by going to childcare is absolute poppycock. Take him out - you will look back and be amazed that you even wondered whether to make this decision. Have fun!

OhYouBadBadKitten · 23/03/2009 11:56

I think its really sad that they think he is manipulating you. Hes just 3.5
Some kids are ready to be away from Mums at at that age and some are not. As you have a choice I'd take him out if he is unhappy. Plenty of time in life for forcing them to do things they don't want to do.

oopsagain · 23/03/2009 11:58

if he is at preschool in spet- that menas he doesn't actually have to be at school in reception until the yr after... so he's still pretty little.

if you don't need it for work etc then i'd keep him home for a bit longer- he'll grow up a bit and be happy about the independence later

Gorionine · 23/03/2009 11:58

Do you have to leave him there (working)? or is it just because you want him to get used to it before he starts "proper"(5 days a week) nursery in Septemeber?

I had a similar dilemma with DD1. I was told by so many people that I should get her into play group because it would be so good for her bla bla blah. I gave it a try when she was 2.9yo. she was screamimg her head off every session (once a week). After a month I decided "no more2 as she was clearly not getting any benefit from it. There had been several issues as well with one of the play group teachers:

she was telling me off before every session for speaking to DD1 in French "because she would need to learn english"(DD! was very good with her english anyway as all of my friends and neighbours were only speaking english tyo her)

She wanted DD1 to come more often to get more used to it

She was advising me to live without saying goodby to make things easier (for who?)

All the worst possible advices IMO!

Now for the happy bit, it just happened that when she started nursery, one opf her classmate's grandma was one of her play group leaders (a nice one though!). She was impressed with how independent and self confident DD1 had become im a few months! DD1 was clearly not ready for play group but she was for nursery. Maybe your DS needs a bit more time. If you have actually a choice maybe go along with how he feels.

None of my other 3 children have been to playgroup after that and the two of them that have since started nursery/school have had absolutely no problem adapting at all , I will see how it goes with DD4 next year!!

tiredlady · 23/03/2009 12:05

Keep him home but take him to as many activities as you can where he will have the opportunity to mix with other children.

One size does not fit all. Your son needs more time to adjust. Do not force it.
You will both be happier

Bumbleybee · 23/03/2009 12:08

I agree with the consensus, if he is unhappy take him out.

I tried to send Ds2 too early for him, the nursery was next door and I could hear him screaming from inside the house, I took him out and left it another 6 months, he now genuinely loves going and goes happily every morning.

I think it is also important for him to know that you have noticed he is unhappy and done something about it.

Rachybabes · 23/03/2009 12:09

Juts been reading thread. Need a bit of help really. My Alice goes to playgroup..i stay with her, it is only for two hours. She is sooooo clingy and just doesn't seem to want to leave my side. Shes ok if i play with her but i would love her to be a little bit more confident on her own. She was 2 in January. Do i keep taking her or just leave it ?, xx

Gorionine · 23/03/2009 12:13

She is jut tiny Rachybabes, keep her with you and go to a mother and toddler group so you get to stay with her and will also get a cuppa in the process!

Doodle2U · 23/03/2009 12:24

I read this theory once (may have been Christopher Green but not entirely sure). Anyway, it goes like this:-

Small children who develop a strong attachment to their mother (or father if SAHD), go on to be confident children when it comes time for school because they feel secure with their bond at home.

If you have a child who really does cling like mad pre-school....and you have a choice, keep them close and stregthen that home bond. By 'forcing' them into nursery etc, you're undermining their confidence in their attachment to you.

Blimey, it wasn't that badly written when I read it in a book but hopefully, you get the gist.

As i said earlier, I have the benefit of hindsight and I wish I hadn't persevered.

Afternoon Gorionine

springlamb · 23/03/2009 12:31

I was in exactly the same situation as you two mums, exactly thirteen years ago this week (god, how time flies).
Eventually I plucked up the courage to tell family, friends, playgroup, the whole shebang - "Thank you very much but he will not be returning after the break. He doesn't have to be anywhere until September so I am going to give him a few more months at home with me. Goodbye".
Took 2 days to settle him in at nursery six months later.
Now dd (seven years alter) was a different story. She'd have happily gone off to university at 2. Some children just need a few extra months, and I'm very glad I was able to give ds that.
BTW, anyone want a great hulking smelly know-it-all near-15 year old lad?

Gorionine · 23/03/2009 12:32

Hi Doodle!Did you do it differently with DD? I cannot for the life of myself remember. If you did, were both there first experence of 5 days a week nursery different?

BCNS · 23/03/2009 12:34

Had this with DD(5), she would cry to the point of being sick at playschool. I took her out and kept her out. She just wasn't ready.
She started school no problem whatsoever, and loved it. She still loves it, and is now very confident, doing really well socially and academically. She just wasn't ready for play school.

Again I was a mum with a choice of doing this for her.

ThingOne · 23/03/2009 12:34

My DS1 didn't go to pre-school until he was 3.9. He had a full year there before school. By the time he went he was ready and he loved it. I didn't send him five days, either. I won't be sending my DS2 five days either, even though he thrives in a nursery environment.

They don't need to be at play group, or even at pre-school. If it suits them that's great, they can have fun with other children. If not, keep them at home (if you can).

Gorionine · 23/03/2009 12:36

their not there !

Guadalupe · 23/03/2009 12:37

I will always feel guilty for not listening to ds1 being unhappy at nursery when he was three. He didn't have to go but MIL and dh were quite insistent and I didn't trust my instincts and I thought it must be good for him.

DD went from two and she loved it. Really depends on the child but if you have a choice, and he's obviously not enjoying it then let him enjoy his time with you. School comes soon enough.

Sycamoretree · 23/03/2009 12:37

I would pull him out. DD is 3.5 but already in pre-school and an August birthday - presume your DS is September birthday?

I was lucky that DD was itching to get to pre-school and didn't really look back, but I, on the other hand, was completely terrified. So many of the other kids had birthdays before Xmas and are a year older then her.

I promised myself that if there were any issues I would have held her back until January (they allow that in our borough), and that's pre-school, not playgroup.

It's far more important he's ready in September, so I'd spend the rest of the time until then builidng on his confidence with you close by. I can't see how you'd regret it. Good luck

admylin · 23/03/2009 12:38

I'd take him out, poor thing, he sounds so unhappy.

I had this with dd when she was 3 I tried to get her to join the Kindergarden where her brother went. They put her in a different group though (their policy) and she was so unhappy and even seemed depressed, asking every night at bed time if she had to go back there in the morning. I took her out and 1 year later she joined aain and was very happy, got used to being left very quickly and even wanted to go back in the afternoon for the optional sessions.

Original poster

IamAlsoADreamer · 23/03/2009 12:44

Aahh thankyou I had not run away - I had to pick ds up from playgroup.
In answer do I leave him because of work-no it was as someone else suggested to get him 'used' to other people and a school environment.
I have just asked him if he has had a good time and his answer yes I like little bit but not blittle bit when you leave me.
also spoke to his keyworker and she said he is doing great yes he is upset first thing but that he has come on in leaps compared to the beginning.
I am quite torn.

OP posts:

cikecaka · 23/03/2009 12:55

Hi, I sent all my mine to playgroups etc, thinking that what I should be doing as everyone else was doing the same, in hindsight I wish I had not bothered, DD3 is 2 and I am going to hold onto her as long as I possibly can, she is learning just as much at home with me! plus money is tight so handing over money for child free time is a no no!!

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