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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Childminder says my 9.5 momnth old is too clingy

32 replies

Fourteeth · 20/03/2009 18:27

Hello there,

Our jolly sociable DS goes to a CM two days a week - he started in Jan. He is still very keen to be held or near the CM every moment of the day and she has basically said that she is finding it difficult. he cries every time I leave him there and cries when she tries to move away from him.

We are planing to move him to a nursery that we think is very good in April - partly hoping that a busy environment will suit him more. Also, wondering if a more dedicated service will be more appropriate as opposed to a CM who is fitting his needs around her own schedule. She is really lovely but I have always found it a bit tricky communicating with her - we are very different and there is always a nagging doubt about how engaged he is during the day.

It shocked me to hear he could be 'difficult' for someone. The CM has used words like clingy which trouble me. He is so young and I assume what he is experiencing is separation anxiety. He is also breastfed still.

I am feeling sooooo guilty about this all. Is it okay to leave him with the CM until late April when he starts at nursery? Am I kidding myself that a nursery could be better for him? Should I launch myself into 1) stopping breastfeeding to encourage him to be happier away from me 2) moving his cot from our room to another room 3)turning his pram around which now faces me.... in essence should I make moves to make him less bonded with me????

I sort of know there are no answers to thsi but it's nice to know that others have had similar experiences....

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Northernlurker · 20/03/2009 18:36

It's normal for a baby of that age to want close human contact. Your CM is being unrealistic about what a baby can do - but if she expects them to just exist in their own little world then it's no wonder she's finding it hard.

If you have 'nagging doubts' about her care then you should move him asap. As long as the staff at your nursery are prepared to engage with him and picke him up as needed I think he will be fine - and may well find a varied enviroment exciting - but babies want to be held because they feel secure like that and that isn't going to change overnight. Stopping breastfeeding etc won't make any odds either - you are his mum, you are always going to be his top favourite person - but that doesn't mean he can't be happy with other people.

He's not going to be happy with somebody who doesn't appreciate his needs though - and it sounds to me like that's what the childminder is doing atm - sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

Nabster · 20/03/2009 18:37

Only read the title and I just want to say your CM is talking crap.

Nabster · 20/03/2009 18:39

Have now read the full post and you sound like a fabulous mum who is being undermined by the CM

I don't know if a nursery will be better but I do think the CM is awful.

janx · 20/03/2009 19:04

Blimey - he has only been with the cm 2 months and she is labelling him clingy and difficult - she does not sound very understanding to me. My ds has been going to nursery for the same amount of time (he is 15 months) and he has separation anxiety - the workers are lovely with him - they hold him and cuddle him and are very soothing. Every chid is different and every childcare situation is different - what is important is that you have faith in their abilities to do their best for your child and his needs. Don't feel guilty - she is not helping you at all

Littlefish · 20/03/2009 19:32

We had this with dd's first childminder.

Dd hated sleeping at her house and as a result, ended up tired and clingy most of the time. After 3 months, we all agreed that it wasn't working.

However, I still think that a childminder is a better environment for a young child than a nursery, so we found another childminder who has been fabulous with dd. She has never had concerns about dd being clingy.

I think that her first childminder was just not very good with very young children!

Please don't stop breastfeeding him! It has nothing to do with him being clingy or not. In fact, don't do anything to try and change the bond you have with him. SHE is at fault!

I remember feeling terrible about dd, and convinced myself it was because she was a PFB who had lots of our attention. Once I'd moved her, I realised it was complete rubbish .

foxytocin · 20/03/2009 19:39

agree that you have to find new child care arrangement. 9mos is a typical time for babies to experience separation anxiety for very normal developmental reasons. if she hasn't sussed that herself and therefore devise ways to address it, then your baby needs a new arrangement.

good luck.

FattipuffsandThinnifers · 20/03/2009 19:41

The CM sounds really unreasonable to me too.

nickytwotimes · 20/03/2009 19:44

He is 9.5 mths. He is normal, not clingy! Don't worry about being too bonded. There is no such thing imho.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 20/03/2009 19:45

You shouldn't have to worry about making him more 'independent' by stopping bf or anything else. He is a baby and you are his mum, he's meant to be dependent on you! Bf is lovely way of reconnecting when you've been out at work too.

Agree with others, classic time for separation anxiety and CM should know this.

Chatkins · 20/03/2009 19:48

Agree he is normal for this age - it is a shame the cm isn't more understanding and patient - if she knows anything about child development she would know that it will pass eventually. I had a little girl once who was very similiar, she was practically welded onto me all day she was so clingy. But she changed, she grew more confident more independent etc, and then I actually quite missed her former clinginess !
Another, maybe more patient, more experienced cm would be worth looking into.
Also my own children were very clingy to me at this age, it is a phase, and nothing to worry about at all

Original poster

Fourteeth · 20/03/2009 19:58

You have all confirmed what I suppose I already know - the CM is demonstrating a lack of experience/understanding and I should move him to be with someone else! It is very reassuring to hear people say this is normal behaviour from DS. I want to carry on being as close to him as possible and I will do now! The closer we can be the more secure I hope he'll be in establishing new relationships with other people - yes? I have renewed confidence to tell the CM that he is behaving normally. Thanks for all of your comments.

OP posts:

noonki · 20/03/2009 20:02

I wouldn't put him in a nursery if he is like this, far better to get another cm.

My DS2 was clingy and it took us 2cm to get the one that really suits him.he now adores her and sings her name when ever I mention her.

he now is so unclingy I spend my days running after him!

Northernlurker · 20/03/2009 20:07

Noonki - I don't see why getting another childminder is better than a good nursery? Seperation anxiety is a normal developmental stage - all childcare settings should have strategies for dealing with it.

Original poster

Fourteeth · 20/03/2009 20:19

I am a little put off CM's right now - i know there are brilliant ones out there but i want an environment where his care is completely transparent to me every day - where I can be reassured he is getting stimulated and cuddled etc and the CM situation is full of so many unknowns because it is one adult responsible for all the care... As long as he has a dedicated key worker at the nursery I am hoping he will be okay.... but am still apprehensive about it all. how does anyone know what will work until you've tried it?

OP posts:

noonki · 20/03/2009 20:48

northernlurker - I guess it depends on the nursery, but I prefer cms because it's one person who looks after you child. Whereas ime nursery's have a higher turnover of staff, and though they have keyworkers in reality the baby is not always with that one person. Also i like the fact that my DS1 is now being picked up from his school nursery by his cm that he has had since he was 6 months and he will continue you stay with her

It's just a personal preference as I like the homely feel both my cms have. there are problems of course for both.

lalalonglegs · 20/03/2009 20:52

I prefer CMs for young children as well but I have to say that yours sounds pretty poor. It's her job to try to understand and empathise with your child, not just dismiss his (perfectly normal) behaviour as some sort of character flaw.

kalo12 · 20/03/2009 20:54

if he is experiencing separation anxiety then the worst thing you could do would be to separate more ie, giving up bf, turning pram round etc. all babies go through this stage and the way through sucessfully is to show that you are there as much as you can be. SA is worse between about 12 - 18 months. i wouldn't move him to nursery, but maybe find a new child minder if you feel you cannot communicate well with your current one.

this must be very difficult for you, as the relationship you have with your cm is impotant, for you to feel confident about leaving your child

pushkar · 20/03/2009 21:05

do you know a differnt child minder you need a loving sympathic kind unjudgemental one.. she does not sound quite the right one for you lovely child

fishie · 20/03/2009 21:11

i can quite see that you are feeling ambivalent about cms but it is at least worth finding out whether there is one who likes babies and has a vacancy near you.

Original poster

Fourteeth · 20/03/2009 21:50

Is there anyone out there who has had good experiences of nurseries and babies? This nursery is really good, part of a university, I have met many parents who say its fantastic, for what its worth it has an outstanding Ofsted although I know some people don't hold much by these reports... I'd love to hear that they can be good places for babies....

OP posts:

CMOTdibbler · 20/03/2009 21:57

yes, I've had a great experience with nursery. My DS started ft nursery at 4.5 months, and has adored it. In the two nurseries he has been at (we moved area when he was 14 months) they have had very low staff turnovers, keep the baby room staff very consistent, and are loving and cuddly to the babies and children.

Even though DS only spent a few months in the baby room at current nursery, he is still very fond of the staff in there, and they always greet him with a big hug.

I bf until DS was 23 months, use a sling, and co slept part time for a long time

Original poster

Fourteeth · 20/03/2009 22:15

CMOTdibbler do you think it's likely your DS settled well because he started before the separation anxiety period?

OP posts:

Dottoressa · 20/03/2009 22:22

I'd find another CM. I wouldn't put any baby in a nursery, and especially not one who's so strongly bonded to his mum/carer. It sounds as if he needs one-to-one care from someone kind and as much like you as possible. I've seen really good CMs in action, and they really are like quasi-mothers to the children. I'd ask around locally at playgroups and so on. Your DS sounds lovely just the way he is - I'd keep doing exactly as you've been doing with and for him, but with a nicer CM!

sb6699 · 20/03/2009 22:40

My dd started nursery at 6 months and loved it. I think you just have to choose the right one.

DD's didn't have any staff turnover during the 2 years she was there. The staff/child ratio was very low and so she was given plenty of love and attention. Had no concerns whatsoever.

DS's nursery was a different kettle of fish though!

Ask around - word of mouth is the best way to hear about nurseries and what they're like.

Northernlurker · 20/03/2009 22:51

I have had an excellent experience with nursery too. Dd3 started at 12 months ( so peak seperation anxiety age) and it's been fab. excllent staff in the baby room - very cuddly and engaged and enthusiastic about dd's development etc. No staff turnover in the year we've been using it.

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