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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How did / do you teach p's & q's?

31 replies

ijustwant8hours · 12/03/2009 15:39

DS is 2.4. So far I have been demonstrating please and thankyou, using them a lot myself and telling him / showing him where he should use them. He probably says thankyou a bit less than 50% of the time and please about 25%, with usage of both increasing.

We still get a fair amount of "get more xx NOW" though.

I'm currently on maternity leave, we have a nanny 2 days a week (I am lucky I know), and a few times i have been caught in the middle of her not giving DS something unless he says please (his response is to come and ask me, I back her up btw). I've never really fancied this approach, especially not now when he is getting used to his new sister.

So how do / did you do it?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Seeline · 12/03/2009 15:48

Bit of both really. Certainly if the 'I want now' appraoach was used by the DCs then the 'Not without the magic word' approach was used by me! They are very small, and whilst that is no excuse, I think it does take time for them to get the hang of it. Lead by example has got to be a good start hasn't it?

Pheebe · 12/03/2009 16:09

Agree with seeline - setting a good example is the key but I always remind the dcs to say please before they get something and thanks afterwards.

He may be geeting used to his new sibling but its importnat not to 'go soft' on him - he'll have you round his little finger before you know it

Original poster

ijustwant8hours · 12/03/2009 16:17

Oh he already has me round his finger i'm afraid. His life is a lot tougher now . I am trying not to make too many allowances for him though.

OP posts:

Kathyis6incheshigh · 12/03/2009 16:20

I do the not-giving-it-until-he-says-please thing with my ds (2.3) but I don't feel that I'm being strict - it's like a game for him that he rather enjoys.
I love it when I say 'what do you say?' when he asks for something, and he hazards. 'Thank you?'

cariboo · 12/03/2009 16:22

Repetition, repetition, repetition. Until it becomes a reflex, drilled into the brain.

The one I have the most trouble with is "elbows off the table". It just doesn't seem to get through to the dc & I really hate seeing people slouch over their meal.

cariboo · 12/03/2009 16:22

Repetition, repetition, repetition. Until it becomes a reflex, drilled into the brain.

The one I have the most trouble with is "elbows off the table". It just doesn't seem to get through to the dc & I really hate seeing people slouch over their meal.

jellycat · 12/03/2009 16:25

Agree with the others, you have to insist they do it and it takes ages. You might have cracked it by the time he's 5 or 6 . I don't consider it as being tough though, and neither will he - honest! Just be consistent. IME leading by example doesn't work! (Although I still do it of course ).

jellycat · 12/03/2009 16:26

BTW, I meant leading by example on its own as a technique doesn't work.

ElenorRigby · 12/03/2009 16:29

As cariboo says its down to repetition and example I think too.
I always say please and thank you to DD 18 months even though she really hasnt a clue what it means atm.
With DSD a remember repeating please and thank yous from 3 to about 4 maybe 4 1/2.
She's generally very polite now aged 6.

Acinonyx · 12/03/2009 16:44

I have refused to co-operate with dd until I hear the magic words but I could be more consistent - I often just forget. I have definitley not found leading by example to be enough. Holding out for the magic word has produced a few tantrums but in the end it does work. Didn't really start getting tough until she was 3 though.

I bet our nanny can teach him these things much more easily - my CM has so much more authority with dd than I do!

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 12/03/2009 17:11

18 mth old knows the sign for please/ thankyou so have started from an early age ( as with dd1) she's now progressed to saying and signing (v cute) and as others says persistance and repetition dd1 still "forgets" frequently but gets a look (not nasty just waiting..) and remembers!!

Good luck

hairygodmother · 12/03/2009 17:44

Yes, stick with it. It will take ages. My dd cracked 'please' first and 'thankyou' a bit later. Just keep saying, 'What's the magic word?' and he'll get it in the end. My dd is now 3.3 and manages to get it right most of time (although am still prompting approx 75% of the time!) and I have friends with 8/9 year olds who say they still have to prompt them so I guess you have to see it as a work in progress ...

lou031205 · 12/03/2009 20:16

I just made sure that I consistently expected pleases and thank yous from a really early age.

So DD1 (3.3 with developmental delay) automatically says please, and if she doesn't, I put my hand to my ear and say "what do we say?" or "pardon?" and the same with thank you. When someone else gives her something, I always insist on a thank you, even if I have to remind her 6 or 7 times, gently of course, but I never just let her move on. I just keep saying "DD, what do we say?" or "DD, are you going to say thank you?" I always give praise when she does it, too. Now, if I pay her a compliment, she often says "ank you, Mummy!".

DD2 has been saying "ta" since about 15 months, it was one of her first words. She is now 19 months and has just mastered "please". Again, I insist on it, gently, and will simply repeat "what do we say?" etc, until I hear a please or ta.

Incidentally, I also did this with "sorry". DD1 started signing it from about 17 months, and then said "fray" as she did, and DD2 has started being able to say and sign sorry in the last month. I think it is a really important thing for a child to know that if we hurt someone or do something unacceptable, we say sorry.

Pitchounette · 12/03/2009 20:24

Message withdrawn

Hulababy · 12/03/2009 20:32

Lots of demonstrating good practise from day one, and ensuring grandparents, etc did too.

If DD said "get it now", etc. then I would simply not respond, or just say "pardon?"

deaconblue · 12/03/2009 21:48

ds (2.11) doesn't get anything whatsoever unless he uses please or thank you and we've done this since he was about 1. As a result he says "please may I have..." for everything, always says thank you and lots of people comment on his manners. He does it so naturally now that there's no big deal about it.

Pitchounette · 12/03/2009 21:56

Message withdrawn

Shylily · 12/03/2009 22:07

Mine is 2.4 also. He doesn't often say please although he asks nicely and says thankyou about 75% of the the time.
I don't insist on the words every time with myself but I tell him that it makes other people feel nice about doing things for him if he asks nicely and says 'please and thankyou'.
I agree with Pitchounette on one level but also agree that people often judge a child's 'manners' on those words alone.
I wouldn't worry too much at this stage, just keep reminding, reminding and saying why it's important. He'll get it.

mamadoc · 12/03/2009 22:30

I think that just showing a good example can work. DD is 2 next month and I've always tried to go with treating her as I would like her to treat me and she will say please, thank you and sorry spontaneously although not 100%.

She does also do 'fetch it mummy' and like Pitchounette I just repeat the sentence with please added in.

It does feel a lot more gratifying when they come out with it spontaneously: We visited DDs godfather last w/e and he'd made a real effort to do stuff she likes and as we left she said "thank you having me' with no prompt at all which was so much nicer than me poking her to say it.

Pitchounette · 13/03/2009 18:40

Message withdrawn

mybabywakesupsinging · 15/03/2009 01:16

With ds1 we did the thing of not giving him something if he didn't say please. But not till he was about 3ish. He is now 100% on please and 75% on thankyou, gets a lot of praise about how nice it is to have a polite boy and then looks really pleased with himself..

eleanorsmum · 15/03/2009 06:53

If I give something to dd I won't let go of it till she says thank you. It worked great and now she automatically does it!

seeker · 15/03/2009 07:52

Just make sure you ALWAYS say please and thank you to them and to dp and to anyone else when you're with them. I can't bear this constant "What do you say?" you hear. If a child takes something with a lovely smile, or asks in a really nice way but forgets the "please" I think that's OK. No snatching or demanding of course, but my mantra for those is "Try again!"
or "Think of a way of asking that will make me want to give it to you!"

I'd rather have a lovely smile than a prompted "thank you" if I give a child something!

yama · 15/03/2009 07:58

My prompting in public (if needed) is a gentle "Have you remembered your manners?".

At home, it is raised eyebrows.

milsna · 15/03/2009 08:08

I agree with most people! repetition lol

I am lucky dc mostly remember their manners most of the time! Its like if they don't say it please or thank you then I just gently remind them by saying it to them. to little dd who is 18 months the other dc remind her ... obv its not too important at that age but more fun!

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