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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

giving choice to a toddler - what's your view?

39 replies

deaconblue · 09/03/2009 19:33

I grew up in a very much "you get what you're given" and "mum knows best" kind of household but after reading "how to talk" I'm trying to give ds (nearly 3) more choice and responsibilty. I try to keep the choices on offer simple so eg "would you like water or milk with your breakfast?" but the contrary-ness that seems to follow is driving me nuts. typical course of events:
me "would you like milk or water, ds?"
him "water please" (he is, if nothing else, polite)
I give him water
him "I WANTED MILK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
apply same model to any choice given and you'll have a picture of my life. So, opinions please on toddlers and choice...

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MrsMattie · 09/03/2009 19:35

Way too young for choices over this sort of every day thing, imo. Take it from someone who learned the hard way!

Confuzzeled · 09/03/2009 19:37

This morning I offered my dd, boots, or shoes, she said boots and reached for the shoes.

I think as toddlers choice is overwhelming.

LilianGish · 09/03/2009 19:42

I don't think toddlers are capable of making a choice - and sticking to it. Much better to work on the basis that mummy is in charge.

choufleur · 09/03/2009 19:42

i think choice over little things is a good thing. DS (2.11) regularly is given choice, such as would you like cheese on toast or beans on toast for your tea? which top would you like to wear, the red one or the green one? etc. I make him stick to his choice but i find it saves arguments. It depends on whether i'm really bothered about what he chooses. TBH i couldn't care less if he wants to wear red tracksuit bottoms, with green socks, a patterned top with strippy cardigan and swimming goggles which he went out in and around the shops. I think he likes to 'power' to choose the little things and i then tend to win on the bigger, more important things.

MsSparkle · 09/03/2009 19:43

My dd is 2.5 and i have always given her the choice over alot of things. She doesn't do it often but if she did do what your ds does (i wanted milk not water after saying yes to water) she will get the water and no arguements. If she threw a tantrum i tell her i will take it away she will get nothing. If she starts throwing things she will be threatened with the naughty step. This usually works for me. You have to be quite firm.

Sometimes you can give them the choice and make it so it's win win. With food for instance, give the choice of two healthy things, this way they think they have the upper hand by choosing and you don't care which one they have chosen because they are both good.

But i would definatly give the choice, i find my dd is a happy, confident child mainly because of this.

MrsMattie · 09/03/2009 19:46

Choice over parts of your every day routine which are going to cause unnecessary wrangling - feeding, getting dressed etc - that's to be avoided. Save choice for relaxed times when it genuinely doesn't matter which they choose or if they arse around a bit.

Habbibu · 09/03/2009 19:47

Sometimes it speeds things up - if you give the choice between 2 options, say two pairs of socks, then the urge that a toddler can have to be independent and decisive is satisfied, otherwise often you're choosing socks, and they're choosing No Socks.

But for dinner generally she just gets what's on offer - can't be arsed giving choices over everything, but she chooses her bedtime stories, and what song we'll sing for toothbrushing, etc, and that keeps her happy.

ib · 09/03/2009 19:48

I always give ds a choice. He doesn't usually change his mind but if he does, I give him the other thing, unless it's a huge hassle (it isn't usually).

choufleur · 09/03/2009 19:48

as someone said to me: "pick your battles"

Wallace · 09/03/2009 19:49

I'm sure I read somwhere that kids will typically choose the last thing on a list of choices. Eg if the choice was "juice, water or milk" they would choose milk, even if actually they wanted juice. But "milk" was the last thing they heard, so "milk" is what they say, but when you try to give them milk nstead of the juice they really wanted, of course they get upset...

tiggerlovestobounce · 09/03/2009 19:50

I give choice, but only of choosing between 2 options eg milk or water, this top or that one, apple or carrot.
I think that doing this makes mt life easier, as while DD3 happily chooses what she is going to wear she doesnt try to make the choice of not getting dressed at all, or by letting her choose what she drinks she doesnt then decide not to have one, IYSWIM.

Tommy · 09/03/2009 19:51

agree with the others - DS3 doesn't get any choice about going in the pushchair on the school walk in the morning but he does in the afternoon. Gets a choice of 2 pairs of socks (otherwise he gets them all out an spends hours on it), choice of what's for breakfast, sometimes lunch, has what's offered for tea.

I think some choice is good - makes them think they have some power.....

noonki · 09/03/2009 20:05

I quite often give my two (3.5 and 22 months) the choice between. This or nothing.

DO you want milk or nothing?

DS1 gets into a right tizz about having a 'big bit' of things so I always say do you want a big or little bit,

he always says big bit and thus is given whatever he would have got anyway.

I also give a choice of books, toys, etc where it really doen't matter what the outcome is. (unless it's naffing Brown bear AGAIN)

I think too much choice at 'flash points' eg eating times/leaving the house/bedtime can cause upset.

And too many choices blows their minds.

But sopme choices can be a way of distracting from what you want them to do...

eg' 'do you want to read peter rabbit or fix it duck in bed?' rather than it's bedtime

or who wants the froggie towel...as otherwise they Never get out the bath.

georgimama · 09/03/2009 20:08

I usually give DS a choice about things - milk or pop (he calls it pop, it is actually fresh apple juice); Thomas or Ted; porridge or Cheerios; buggy or reins; story or song.

Never causes a problem that I have noticed.

alittleteapot · 09/03/2009 20:08

I'm surprised to hear some of you say don't give any choice. Isn't it good for them to have to learn to think about things and understand the process of deciding one thing over another?

I give my dd, just coming up to 2, choice about very simple things like dungerees or jeans, for example, and it actually helps with some tantrum issues because it gives her the illusion of choice and power (really I'm saying you're wearing trousers today end of story but she gets to feel she's deciding.)

I also use that trick if she's refusing to do something so for example cleaning her teeth I say do you want to do it or do you want Mummy to do it? Obviously it doesn't always work but generally she goes along with the idea that one of them is the right answer and gets to not feel she's lost the argument if at first she's been refusing teeth cleaning.

I don't give her choice about what she's going to eat (or very occasionally peas or beans type easy one)

I often say do you want x (not offering an alternative but offering her the choice of yes and no.)

I agree that too much choice is not helpful and actually leaves the toddler in confusion and the mother powerless.

I'm still a beginner with all this so not saying what I'm doing is right. Still working it all out and will be interested to follow this thread.

ramonaquimby · 09/03/2009 20:12

I think choice is a fine thing for kids that age - but not all day everyday. Pick and choose when it's good for you as well - we are rushed at bfast most mornings so they don't get a choice then for cereal/porrige/eggs etc - it's whatever I have time for, but getting dressed (chosen night before) I'll say what tights do you want with this skirt? Or - chose a top to go with these jeans - that sort of thing. It's pretty powerless to never be able to make a choice, even if you're only 2.

cat64 · 09/03/2009 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Gemzooks · 09/03/2009 20:19

I give DS 2.5 choices, but as others have said not the whole time. So say 4-5 choices a day. Especially things like which books they want. also do it for bedtime, e.g. do you want mummy to turn off the light or you?

So giving simple little choices which they have to stick to I think is a good way of starting to learn to make decisions in a safe-feeling way.. I also grew up in an authoritarian household and want to ensure my kids develop their autonomy a lot more than I did, but not turning into little monsters to do that...

LilianGish · 09/03/2009 20:21

I didn't mean to imply that I gave no choice at all - what I can't understand is mums who say things like "Would you like to put your coat on?" rather than "Let's put your coat on shall we?" and open negotiations at every opportunity.

NellyTheElephant · 09/03/2009 20:32

DD2 has just turned two and I definitely find giving her a choice over certain things can make life run much more smoothly - but you have to kind of learn which those things are for your child. E.g. for me if we are leaving the house and I want her to do a wee before we go as I know we'll be in the car for some time there is no point at all me saying 'we're going outin the car, please go and do a wee' She'll just say 'no, don't need a wee' and get cross. But if I say 'we're going out in the car now are you going to do a wee in the shower room or the bathroom?' She will choose one and do it. Similarly she can be a right pain over getting dressed some mornings but if I offer her a choice of clothes she's much more likely to get on with it than if I choose her outfit. Another standard one when she is getting cross or having a tantrum about something is 'do you want to do [x]' (i.e whatever it is I want her to do) or do you want to go up to your room?'. She's never yet chosen to go to her room, but if she does, so be it. I rarely give choices over food, but might offer her say an apple or a banana or something like that.

Basically I don't give her choices just for the sake of it, but try and use the choice thing to diffuse flashpoints in her behaviour (i.e. give her limited choices which satisfy her where I am happy with both outcomes).

alittleteapot · 09/03/2009 20:57

Isn't the thing to offer simple choices both of which you are happy with? That way you're in charge, but they're beginning to learn what being in charge feels like and how decisions are made.

Shylily · 09/03/2009 20:58

It's such a pain when they choose something then change their minds! Giving choices works for me most of the time but it really ticks me off when DS does that too!
I've read 'How to Talk...' also and really like the approach. Some days it takes all my willpower to parent in this way instead of yelling 'just bloody do it!' DS is a bit younger but if he chooses something then changes his mind and starts a wobbly I say something like 'it's so hard to make a choice sometimes. I'll put milk and water here and you can take the one you want.' (when really I'd like to tip the milk on his head).
In general I think choice is good. When my DS is absolutely refusing to do something (eg put on coat) I say 'It's not optional, it's cold outside and we're walking a long way. However, you can choose how you want to wear it.' (He has walked to nursery with his coat on backwards).
I'll stick with choice-giving even though it's not always easy. I don't think it's any harder than NOT giving choices. Good luck!

Original poster

deaconblue · 09/03/2009 20:58

am reading with interest mumsnetters, keep 'em coming. I agree in principle with the importance of learning to make choices and decisions, just find the changing of mind really annoying. But I guess as it doesn't matter whether he has water or milk, it doesn't matter if he changes his mind either so I should just go with the flow

OP posts:

Original poster

deaconblue · 09/03/2009 21:01

ooh Shylily that's good. HAd forgotten about recognising their dilemma. I shall say tomorrow "it is hard sometimes to choose between milk and water, I'll leave both here" FAB

OP posts:

MultiTaskingMum · 09/03/2009 21:20

I'm all for giving (limited) choices when possible, but it has to be ok for parents to sometimes also let children know that 'this time there is no choice'. With triplets and two older siblings, the choices I can give are sometimes limited/non existent
For a long time now we have had two jugs of juice/squash on the table and the flavours get rotated so everyone gets their favourite sometimes but I don't have to make 5cups of juice for every meal!

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