Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

giving choice to a toddler - what's your view?

39 replies

deaconblue · 09/03/2009 19:33

I grew up in a very much "you get what you're given" and "mum knows best" kind of household but after reading "how to talk" I'm trying to give ds (nearly 3) more choice and responsibilty. I try to keep the choices on offer simple so eg "would you like water or milk with your breakfast?" but the contrary-ness that seems to follow is driving me nuts. typical course of events:
me "would you like milk or water, ds?"
him "water please" (he is, if nothing else, polite)
I give him water
him "I WANTED MILK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
apply same model to any choice given and you'll have a picture of my life. So, opinions please on toddlers and choice...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

choufleur · 09/03/2009 22:04

having choices means that they learn. DS didn't want to wear his coat the other day. It was cold. After a while he had the choice wear your coat and be warm or don't and be cold. he didn't, was cold. he put it on after about a minute outside as i had brought it with me. He'll understand next time when i tell him it's cold outside.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 09/03/2009 22:08

I give choices about somethings to DS2 (2.5years) but with alot of things his choice is eat it or not, wear it or not, etc. I never mind with these what his choice is but don't rush to offer other choices.

georgimama · 10/03/2009 09:20

I think offering DS choices helps with his language skills - he's 2 on Thursday. DH and I tried to make a list last night of all the words he can say, and we lost count and interest at 100.

If I offer him a choice between porridge and weetabix, he has to say one of the words in order to tell me which he wants.

ib · 10/03/2009 19:04

An approach of dh's that I've noticed works really well is to make a bit of a song and dance about the choice.

dh "would you like water or milk?"
ds indicates water
dh "are you sure you want water?'
ds says yes
dh "and not milk?"
ds says yes
dh "definitely water then"

Ds then takes the water in a very determined way and drinks it.

I think sometimes he needs to feel that he is asserting himself in something that matters. By sort of pretending he would rather he had milk than water, dh gives ds a bit more of an opportunity to do that, iyswim.

ib · 10/03/2009 19:06

Gm, ds is 2.2 ys, has less than two dozen words and is given choices several times a day. He just manages to communicate very effectively without words. So I'm not too convinced about the language skills argument.

piscesmoon · 10/03/2009 19:15

I would keep choice to the minimum-certainly not all the time.

bohemianbint · 10/03/2009 19:20

I often offer choices, but it's A or B, nothing more complex than that. And if he's being a PITA or I'm in a rush I just decide for him.

Sometimes it helps, sometimes not. But I like to offer simple choices where I can - I grew up under a dictatorship and I didn't like it.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 10/03/2009 19:43

ib, try giving your ds a choice of two things that are not in the same room. Then he will have to try to communicate the word to you rather than point or look.

Also, try being a bit 'forgetful/silly' and give him the wrong choice. Gives him a chance to say 'no, want x'. You may need to model it for him with each other.

Or sometimes pretend to not understand when he communicates to you non-verbally. This will encourage him to try to use words.

Hearing the choices you are offering will help him develop his vocabulary for whe he is ready to start saying some more words.

Shylily · 10/03/2009 21:32

Any difference today, shoppingbags?

ib · 11/03/2009 19:10

Thanks, DHtoo, but I'm not at all bothered by him not talking. He communicates just fine, I don't see why I would rush him. He'll do it when he's ready.

I'll bet when he does we'll be wishing we could have some silence again

wasabipeanut · 11/03/2009 19:17

I give closed choices as most seem to here (water or juice etc.) but thats it. And only over things where it doesn't really matter which he plumps for.

Anything else I think is way too confusing - he is only 18mo.

Lazycow · 11/03/2009 19:27

I think I gave ds too many choices at his age. They were always simple ones like "which top this one or this one?" type of thing. I did it because ds was guaranteed at that age to want the opposite of what I chose and getting him to co-operate much ay 2-3 years old was incredibly difficult. TBH it didn't really help much. Our conversations pretty much went the same way as the OP's. Other variations included

Silence and refusal to choose followed by ds's rejection of whatever I was eventually forced to choose.

As his speech got better he would say 'You choose mummy" and then promptly object to my choice in a hysterical manner. I would then say 'OK have this (the alternative) instead and he would promptly hysterically object to that too. !!

I think he just wanted to have the fight somehow, to feel the boundaries. Sometimes you just have to brave the storm of the tantrum and all attempts to avoid it fail

Original poster

deaconblue · 11/03/2009 19:52

shylily just typed huge reply about collecting ds today then realised this is my choices thread not my collection from nursery thread so will give the dull update on that thread instead

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 13/03/2009 08:51

I think that if there was something that you think your mother got badly wrong when you were a child you have to be very careful that you don't go too far the other way as a reaction.

Flip

1 2