DS has almost no school friends

[pickupthismess]

DS1 is in reception at our small village school - total class of 11 (5 boys). He has one 'best' friend, except his BF is really only a BF because they grew up together. They are VERY different and I can see they are growing apart already.

DS is little, quiet and not v physically able and he is getting left alone every break now. The other boys are physical, big and either pick on or exclude him. Now his BF is moving away from him, he's really alone and it's making him very sad (and me really miserable).

I love that the school is little and is easy to get to but for the first time I'm thinking I should have sent him to a bigger school with a bigger pool of kids. Really worried about whether to change him now or to sit it out and see if it improves. Also, I could send him somewhere new and he'd be v unhappy. Anyone made any similar decisions? or got advice on how to integrate him more?

so sorry to hear your little boy is unhappy
my good friend's ds was in a very similar situation ,in a small class of 12 kids and didn't mesh with anyone and ended up hating it.
She moved him to the local state school with calss size of 30 and her ds is sooo much happier as he has made friends.
No idea if this is the right thing for your ds though.
Have you spoken to his teacher?

I've raised it a few times but don't want to appear like hyper mum. Particularly when some of the picking on from slightly older children had turned into a bit of bullying. To us it's silly stuff, like name calling or not letting him join their game but of course in playground politics it matters a lot to DS.

Teachers have said they are watched by dinner ladies etc (not true - they just gossip) and basically laid it as DS's door saying DS doesn't play like all the other boys who like chasing and play fighting, so what can you do? This is true, he doesn't. He can't keep up, he likes playing little games about super heroes. But there is a little gang of boys led by a particularly charismatic devil child and his BF is increasingly attracted to it. DS isn't. Feel at wits end, also with DS. I wish he would stop being shy and try to integrate. However, I know there must be similar boys out there but just not at this school.

just wanted to send you my sympathies - horrid for you and DS for this to be happening. of course you won't know until you try with somewhere else if it would work - but chances are in a bigger school there will be children similar to your DS who share the same interests and are happy to play in the way that he does.

please don't feel that your DS is the one that has to stop being shy - he's being himself and in fact very strong minded for not being attracted to the gang of boys in the way that the BF is. that's something to be proud of.

I am very that there can be bullying happening at such a small school. name calling in particular can be very cruel and is not silly when you are a child. You should take that part of it up with the school - in reception they are still young enough to be protected, helped out with making friends or being allowed to join in with others. not good enough for dinner ladies to stand and ignore them.

sorry this isn't massively helpful but wanted to add a supportive voice.

Thanks Bocci you're right. I ought to bring it up but I feel like I have mentioned it a few times and they keep saying they're on top of it and they're clearly not. It becomes a bit of them and us if I keep banging on about it, especially as it's such a small village and everyone knows everyone.

aww pickup, am in sympathy here as your ds sounds like my boy - quiet,not physical...he had a very small circle of friends at primary school but it didn't bother him too much,not being part of a crowd as he is very self sufficient and resourceful and quite honestly,enjoyed his own company (is also an only child) Now he is in yr 7 he is seeing the benefits of a circle of reliable friends but is finding it very hard to break into groups or integrate with individual boys because he isn't good at/interested in very physical games/things that most boys like.
I'm really not sure about changing school for your son - though with a bigger pool of children he might find more liker minded friends...ds gravitated towards very similar boys to himself. He is young enough in yr R to make that change probably fairly easily - am sorry the school doesn't appear to be more proactive. Good for your boy to not want to go along with the crowds though..that shows a strong,independent mind !

Really sad for your DS, school is bad enough for the little ones without this to contend with. We had something similar with my DD1 except the school is really big - 3 form entry. She used to sit on her own every playtime because she was scared of getting knocked over in the playground as all the other children were running around.

I spoke to her teacher as I was really worried that she would be a target for bullies. They set up a buddy system where a couple of older girls used to play with her at playtime. This seemed to do the trick as it built her confidence and after a couple of weeks she didn't need the older girls as she was confident enough to get involved in the playground games. I think it also helped her street cred to know older children.

oh, i feel your pain! My DD had very few friends at school and it broke my heart. You have to deal with it NOW. Dont just sit it out, but certainly don't be changing schools. Children are extremely fickle and they will drift in and out of friendships. You can foster friendships by inviting children around for tea etc (this is what i DIDN'T do and should have), they become absolute best friends when you do that, until they go to another childs house .

Mention it to the teacher so they can keep an eye on him at break and try and encourage the others to include him, but don't force it - that will backfire

Good luck.

Lucyellensmum mentioned the other thing I forgot to mention. I started having children round to tea every Friday, and used to arrange it on Monday, so for the week the child who was coming round would be best friends with DD and it would continue until they went to someone elses house!

My rationale behind this was on a one-to-one basis DD was really confident, especially in her own environment - so the children who came round got to see what she was really like. It is hard work entertaining every Friday, but in the long run I think its worth it.

Also going to other peoples houses for tea did build her confidence too.

This has seemed to work as she is year1 now and really popular with loads of friends.

Hi, pickupthismess, just to say, there are other boys out there like this, my DS1 being one of them.

My gut reaction to what you are saying is that moving him to a bigger school might be a good idea in these circumstances, particularly where there is one particularly dominant boy. My DS1 spent his first couple of years at school struggling to keep up with the more sporty and physical boys group, but now is developing other friendships with more like-minded boys. He can only do that, though because there are 2 classes of 30 in his year to choose from.

The school needs to tackle the fact he is being picked on. The onus should not be on your son to fit in.

FIRST, though, I'd ask him who he'd like to invite home to play. It might even be a good idea to invite the dominant boy (unless you really don't like him) . My DS1 developed a friendship with one of the boys in the dominant group that only really took place at home. I actually think that my more quiet son, brought out a side of that boy that he didn't really show at school.
What about the girls? - though I guess maybe in such a school it may become very divided along gender lines - which would be a shame.

Finally, in the meantime, maybe doing some after-school activity such as drama might help his self-esteem. DS2 goes to Beaver Scouts (they can't start that until 6, though).

Good luck!

Sorry pickup, just read what you said about the charismatic leader. Maybe it's not him you'd want to invite home, but one of the others.

Thanks all. It's funny you all mention tea invited. On Tuesday I had resolved to do something and invited a boy I don't much care for but I see as a potential weak link in the gang. He is coming next week. However, DS is very disinterested and doesn't really want him to come over at all. He just wants his BF back. I have invited him too but his mother doesn't care much for tea dates so I can see is not keen. Defo won't be inviting main boy - he's trouble.

I am so torn between changing school to give him a bigger pool and staying in the village one. The girls are a v small tight knit group. He does in fact like a girl in the older class very much but they don't allow that class to be in the same playground at lunch.

I would like to join more classes and have thought of Beavers. Currently all the boys are joining football club after school but DS is utterly hopeless, can't run or jump and I think if he joined he'll be exposed to ridicule.

I suppose this all about him having started with a BF and been so happy and now being more and more alone and hurt.

pickupthismess. Hope that it goes better than you fear with the "weak link".

Can I just say that you are obviously a really good mummy with good instincts.

I third/fourth the tea at home idea.

Why is your ds utterly hopeless/can't run jump?

If its simply lacking in co ordination (ie no SN) are there any other athletical (is that a word?) groups (outside school) he could join ?

A boy in ds's class sounds similar to your ds, he joined a Karate group and gained so much confidence. The other boys also think karate is "way cool"

I don't have any experience of beavers but that sounds like a good idea.

I saw the thread title and thought "I bet I know how old this child is"

My children were both the same at this age but into Yr1 were started to make friends, just give it a bit of time and im sure he will get there.

DC1 always told me he "had no friends" and "played alone" but I heard through the grapevine this wasnt particularly true.

I do think asking him which children he likes and inviting them either to tea or just to play for a couple of hours can help.

My children are not even vaguely into the whole sport/footballing thing but drama classes have helped to make one of my children super confident...he too spends his time pretending to be a super hero and isnt into rough games.

Also, whilst its nice for them to have a "best" friend, I encourage them having a group of friends to fall back on.

I do find the whole playdate thing a bit daunting but it really does help. Also try not to project your anxiety onto him...quite often they are quite happy pottering about on their own until we start fretting about it.

Hi poor you and your DS - my Ds has just moved from a large school to a small school as we have moved house- he is in YR3 but like your Ds doesn't like joining in the football etc that most of the boys in his class do. He had a few problems fitting in as he wanted to be friends with the 'charismatic' boys but felt foolish playing football as he isn't that good at it/ doesn't like it much. At his old school he has a lovely group of like minded boys with whom he used to play his imaginary superhero games and was very happy - at his new school he has finally found one friend who likes his imaginary games sometimes but who would also like to play football at playtime so often Ds is left to play on his own or with his sister in reception when she is in the playground.
The thing is that if like my DS your Ds isn't 'typical' ie liking football and therefore cool - its a lot harder in a small school - it might be easier for him in a larger one to find more like minded children like my DS did. If there is an option to move it might be worth looking into - schools BTW should take bullying seriously and if you aren't getting what you need from the school make a lot of fuss - IME it tends to be the bullied child who ends up leaving esp in small schools so you might be better to cut your losses and run now before it gets worse - I hope you work it out, I know how upsetting it is when your DCs aren't appry at school.

Sorry 'happy'

Saga, sadly he does have slight physical SN -hence can't run for toffee. Trips over all the time and wears special boots to help. Also has v slight build which may be related to premi birth.

I really try to make light of it. But DS is a very reflective, insightful boy and he amazes me with his understanding of the dynamics of what is going on. I know we aren't alone. I have a good friend with a DS just the same but he is also physically much more robust where I know even if DS changes his mind set he cannot do the whole chasing/fighting thing. For all that, I'm really glad that he isn't that unusual. It brings me back to my OP. I'm sure if he was in a class of 30 this wouldn't be an issue but of course his education might suffer.

I'm going to look into drama as it might help him get a bit of confidence.

As an aside, both of my kids are quite shy and self conscious but DH and I are really outgoing and find socialising pretty easy. Does anyone know the psychology of such things?

It doesnt sound to me like the school are taking your concerns seriously...I know if anyone raises a similar concern at our school the teacher goes out of her way to recommend a child she thinks would make a good friend for the child.

Usually my son as he's kind to everyone (except me)

Haven't read the whole thread through but have you thought about joining your DS into Beavers or something similar? Then perhaps he can make some friends outside of school, and hopefully gain a bit of confidence?
Just a thought...

Thanks cluttered. Hope all goes well for your DS. Shame he's not at my DS's school

ahh Pickup he sounds lovely

Drama classes sound great for confidence, BUT don't make too much of it.

I was shy as a child but have learned to be more outgoing IYKWIM.

Feel for you. People sight small clasess as A Good Thing for kids, but so often, for this very reason, they aren't.

Ds was in a class with only 3 other boys! Luckily 2 of them were on his wavelength and all 3 became best friends.

However it meant that the 4th child was always left out. As the parents of the 'popular' boys, (remember DS only had 2 friends!) us other mums were really aware of this and made every effort to invite this 4th child to tea, always included him in birthday parties etc.

But the problem was, he just wasn't into the same things as our boys, and although they tried to include him, it just didn't work - from his point of view as well. He wasn't particularly interested in my son and his friends!.

I think what I'm trying to say is that you can't force a friendship, however much you try.

The 4 boys are all now at high school and the 'left out' one has found a good group of like-minded boys as there are so many more to chose from.

Don't let the fact that your Ds isn't sporty be a red herring. My DS is super-sporty and outgoing, one of his friends was very shy and one was very arty. The point is, they clicked on some level and so embraced each other's differences.

You're right, your DS needs to find just one like minded soul - all you need is one friend! It sounds like his old BF is more outgoing then him and is exploring his options.

Since you only have 11 other boys to chose from you could actually be quite systematic about seeking them out, inviting to tea etc. Perhaps there are some obvious ones who you know wouldn't get along with your DS, but there may be one dark horse!

Eye up the mums - see if there are any like-minded souls or anyone you might chose as a friend - chances are if the mum is on the same wavelength, the kids might be too?

And don't discount the girls. They may seem tight knit but Ds 1's best friend in reception was a little girl. Perhaps invite one of them to tea?

I think you are right to be pro-active about it - and right to help your DS out.

Hi clutteredup, my DS1 is also in year 3, and sounds very much like your son.

I'm finding it so interesting that there's so much emphasis in little boys to fit in via sport/physical things. I see how much easier DS2 finds school because he is much more physically adept, and likes being in big groups

merry there aren't 11 boys, just 11 kids. There are five boys including DS, his BF and three others in a gang who link up with the 4 boys from next year (it's a small school).

Also v good point about sportiness and boys. Teachers seem to feel he should be sporty to get on.

My ds is in year 2 and is a bit like this. He started Beavers a couple of months ago and has really blossomed. The boys that go are more like him, and it's given him something else to talk about at school. He's just come back from an overnight stay and it's given him so much confidence, in fact he's just learnt to ride his bike which a month ago he wanted us to take to a cat boot sale because 'riding bikes is dangerous'.