DS has almost no school friends

[pickupthismess]

DS1 is in reception at our small village school - total class of 11 (5 boys). He has one 'best' friend, except his BF is really only a BF because they grew up together. They are VERY different and I can see they are growing apart already.

DS is little, quiet and not v physically able and he is getting left alone every break now. The other boys are physical, big and either pick on or exclude him. Now his BF is moving away from him, he's really alone and it's making him very sad (and me really miserable).

I love that the school is little and is easy to get to but for the first time I'm thinking I should have sent him to a bigger school with a bigger pool of kids. Really worried about whether to change him now or to sit it out and see if it improves. Also, I could send him somewhere new and he'd be v unhappy. Anyone made any similar decisions? or got advice on how to integrate him more?

OMG pickupthis you could be me this time last year....
I've got 2 boys 7 & 9 and they used to go to the tiny village school. ds1 was fine, he's a team player and would fit in with anyone.
ds2 on the other hand... well, he's what I call quirky. Dreamy, quiet, not sporty, into history and he just didn't click with the other boys in his year.
It didn't help that there were 5, so always one left out and typically it was ds2.
I umed and ahed for ages about what to do and eventually decided to move both boys to the much bigger junior school last September. I was petrified for ds2, but it was the best decision I ever made. He is soooo much happier, I didn't even really realise he was unhappy and he has a big group of friends and even has 2/3 that are just like him and he wants to see outside of school.
His work has improved, his confidence has grown and overall I'm thrilled!
If you'd like to know more, you are welcome to CAT me....
HTH's.

Agree wholeheartedly bobblehat.
DS1 (the not-so-sporty one) loves Cubs, and I am really glad none of his school friends go there, so he gets to play a different role there. There are good old-fashioned values there, too

pickup my dd goes to the 'big' school in the area (luckily it is our local school), round here that means 10-15 children per year group.
I know of at least 4 children that have moved to this school from the nearby smaller schools for exactly this reason, so its obviously a pretty common problem with very small schools, your ds is definitely not alone!

pickup - sorry, realized after I'd posted that you'd said only 5 boys. I was trying to think of practical and pro-active ways you could help the situation.

When he moves into Yr 1 will he be in a class with reception children too? Perhaps you could hang on and see if he finds a pal then, as he will be the 'bigger boy' - v. cool for younger kids!

I guess if you move him to a school with bigger classes, you may worry that he will get 'lost' in the class, especially as he is smaller and quieter - these children can be like rabbits in the headlights in a large class.

He sounds very sweet and lovely and all he needs is one pal - he doesn't need someone who is necessarily on his wavelength all the time, but someone who is connects with him on one level.

Are there any little clubs at school? (My friend's ds had this problem and started a Doctor Who club, encouraged by the teacher, - which consisted of staying in one lunch time and swapping stickers. He found one other like minded boy and the rest was history!)

pickup (only just got back to this) the drama class my DC goes to has a few children with SN in it. I think the knack is to find one that is about fun rather than making tomorrows stars.

I agree also with whoever said "dont rule out the girls" as potential friends, both of my children had girls as their first best friends.

Thanks. I have also put him on the list for Beavers so he can make some friends outside the village. The problem is doubled because there are so few girls as well and they are in a group of three and two with no interest in boys coming to join them.

If the school is not being supportive to helping your DC then I would seriously consider moving to another school. At my DS school in reception year (2 classes of 22) the children were of very different stages of development - some quite large boisterous children, some a lot smaller, slower or quieter and no child was left out or friendless - they had a scheme at playtime of children to be buddies to invite any child who was by themselves to play with them. Perhaps you could find out if there are places at any other local schools and have a chat with the head teachers there to see how they would deal with your child's needs.

It is hard enough for a child getting used to the structure etc of school days and the mental challenge of learning without being placed in an unhappy sitation where they are being left out of games and name called. I feel so cross with this school and unhappy for your child.

I hope you have a happy outcome.

How do you know he's left alone every break?

I would be really wary of taking this too far just now. Reception is preparation for school, not school proper and children need to learn experientially - they simply have to learn the social rules by doing, and they all have to find their way round playing and being together.

Huge amounts can change in the three infant years IME and all the children's social skills will improve exponentially in that time.

I do sympathise btw and my own ds is a very gentle boy who also has physical sn, and it is very very hard to watch them find their place. I think one important point is to remember that a reception child, no matter how insightful and articulate, will not be giving you an accurate reflection of their day when asked. A reflection of one part, or their over-riding feelings, perhaps and yes of course those are very important things but I do think you need to balance that out with being assertive in keeping on to the teachers about him (I know it takes alot of nerve) and listening to them as well as ds.

Thanks again everyone.

I do know he is tellign the truth because I go past the school frequently. I don't catch his eye but I have seen him standing alone (twirling) or wandering aimlessly in break whilst the crowd of boys including his BF haired around. Sometimes, I see him approach th egroup trying to break in and watch him rebuffed or outrun and I feel my heart clench. I so want to run in and scoop him up.

I absolutely do know that kids have to find their place however, with such a small group I can see the kids' natures already. I don't want to be reactive but I also don't think DS will change and I'd lay good money on the other boys staying boisterous kids. Nearly all their mothers are horsey, outdoor sorts and they are going to be the same. DS is bookish, unusually articulate, gentle etc They are just very very different. His little brother fits right in though! When we pick DS1 up DS2 runs straight off with all the boys.

I think I will give it another term and then make a decision. All your advice has been very useful in crystallising my thoughts.

pickupthismess.

Glad you came back to this tread, as I was wondering how you are. My heart goes out to you. It's very hard to see them being hurt. You know what I think, and I think giving it another term is a good idea.