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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Can someone advise me re my 3 and half year old daughter, im getting quite concerned....

32 replies

QueenofVenus · 05/03/2009 12:44

I have 2 older boys, and when i toilet trained them i waited until they showed signs of being ready and then i took it from there, usually them getting the hang of it (with a few accidents obviously) within a couple of weeks at most and they were both about 2 - 2 and a half. But my dd is over 3 and a half and she never showed ANY signs of being ready, so i instigated things gently and with lots of encouragement of course, and she never seems to have got the hang of it, she wets herself all the time, she refuses to wear nappies pull up pants because she says thats what babies wear, but she goes through 5/6 pairs of knickers/tights etc a day, i remind her alot, i try and encourage her to go every hour or so etc but she has never got the hang of it, its been nearly a year now and my washing machine is constantly washing wet piddle soaked knickers and tights!!! Is this normal or should i be worried at all????

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MamaG · 05/03/2009 12:47

If I were you I'd set aside a week of no plans and take her to the loo evry 15 mins. Reward reward reward any wee or poo

seriously, every 15 mins!

Spaceman · 05/03/2009 12:55

Sounds dreadful, but leave her in wet knickers for a while after she's done it and let her come to you to tell you she's had an accident. It could be that you're so fast off the mark to change her and clean her up that she hardly thinks it's worth learning. She has to think that it's for her benefit in the end.

stleger · 05/03/2009 12:59

My dh's cousin whom I childminded for a couple of months was difficult to potty train. She had a slight kidney problem, maybe take her to the gp?

DesperateHousewifeToo · 05/03/2009 13:06

Is she drinking enough?

Try getting her to drink more/lots so that she gets stronger messages about needing to go.

Like the idea of starting from scratch again with the 15min visits to the loo.

Start off with reward for sitting on the loo then, reward when she wees/poos on loo, then reward when she starts telling you she needs the loo.

Also consider an infection.

pagwatch · 05/03/2009 13:09

yes - get GP to check her out before you start trying to reward her for doing something that she can't

notnowbernard · 05/03/2009 13:10

I'd go to GP first, just to get checked over and rule out an UTI

DesperateHousewifeToo · 05/03/2009 13:12

Also, has she reached her other developmental milestones as expected?

Is her language development developped enough for her to be able to tell you that she needs to go.

Have worked with lots of dcs who were late toilet training because of this.

Original poster

QueenofVenus · 05/03/2009 13:19

Thanks everyone, im going to get her checked out, and then if all is well, im going to do as suggested and give her more to drink and do encourage her to try and go every 15 mins or so. Fingers crossed we get it sorted and soon!! thanks for all those suggestions, even when youve done these things with other children theres always something to flummax you!!

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 05/03/2009 13:19

Let us know how she gets on

Original poster

QueenofVenus · 05/03/2009 13:21

She has always reached other milestones on time, she actually a pretty forward child with most things - which i suppose is why its worried me so much

OP posts:

Smee · 05/03/2009 13:23

She might be like mine and just not bothered. DS was so wilful about it and defiant. He'd sit on the potty if I made him, then get up and wee on the floor. Totally became a control thing, but not about his bladder, but about me an him. I ended up bribing him with something he really wanted. If he tried for a week he got the toy - it was only something small but he really really wanted it. It broke the cycle and he was dry within a few days. I don't like bribery, but it was most definitely worth it that time.

notnowbernard · 05/03/2009 13:28

QoV, if she comes back from the Doc's with the all-clear, come back to this thread...

I'll be able to share A LOT of experiences relating to toilet-refusing 3.6 yr olds

stealthsquiggle · 05/03/2009 13:30

We couldn't work out why nursery were being more successful with DS than we were - until we discovered that they did, indeed, take them whether they wanted to go or not - every 15 mins.

notnowbernard · 05/03/2009 13:33

You see, I am always AMAZED when people talk of taking toddlers or pre-schoolers to the loo every 15mins to 'perform'

There was just NO WAY dd1 would do that. If I tried to badger her into going to the toilet when SHE didn't want to a major battle or meltdown would commence

I just couldn't do it, even with all the chocolate bribery in the world!

LeninGrad · 05/03/2009 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notnowbernard · 05/03/2009 13:34

(And believe me, I tried the every 15min thing!)

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 05/03/2009 13:38

Maybe leave off the tights and pants while at home for a while? Sorry if you've already tried this.

Smee · 05/03/2009 13:41

notnowbernard, I'm with you. Getting DS to the potty at all was a major battle, so to do it every 15 minutes was an improbable dream. I think some kids just don't like potties. DS always moaned how uncomfortable his was. I got another one, but I think he was genuine. Though who knows...

notnowbernard · 05/03/2009 13:43

I think dd1 just v wilfull

She'd happily wee on the potty/toilet/lawn/portaloo/trousers (you get the picture) but only when SHE wanted to

cockles · 05/03/2009 13:46

I'm with those who couldn't do the every 15 minutes. Does she mind being prompted to go? I would try the opposite. Tell her it is her job and she will figure it out herself. Then stop prompting at all (tell her you aren't going to remind her to go). You can insist before going out. And then I'm afraid I would say after a few days, if you can't manage pants, back to nappies & try again next week if you like. Not punitive, but imo it is not reasonable for you to be mopping up all day. I don't think going bare helps when training, it can be confusing.
If it's a potty issue, child seat that nestles within adult one helped here.
Stickers? Worth a try.

MarmadukeScarlet · 05/03/2009 13:46

The problem with taking them routinely, be it 15 mins or 1 hour, is that they then do not learn the 'trigger' of feeling like they need a wee.

I did this with my DD, she was dry from 2 within a few days daytime BUT only if you took her/reminded her at (very) regular intervals. Hence not learning the trigger thing and not ever getting a very full bladder so needing to go quite often.

We had to allow her to 'relearn' it herself when she was 4.

Sidge · 05/03/2009 13:50

I wouldn't recommend toileting every 15 minutes, as it doesn't give her bladder time to fill and for her to recognise the signs of needing a wee. The bladder is a muscly bag and needs regular filling and emptying to give it a workout and tone and strengthen it. So 6-8 drinks a day and 1-2 hour toileting should help.

Also being put on the loo every 15 minutes could be counter-productive in that she might get really cheesed off! It can also be counter-productive in that you are toilet timing not toilet training.

Rewarding for being dry may not be great as it could just be beyond her control - achieving continence in children is largely a physiological process and not related to other developmental milestones.

notnowbernard · 05/03/2009 13:52

DD1 trained well, 'got it' quickly

Then the novelty wore off and she is a child (like all, I suppose) who gets v distracted. Couldn't be bothered if she was doing something that she was enjoying

Sort of realised after a while that to 3yr old dd, she really DID NOT CARE if she'd wet herself... she knew all she had to do was go and get another pair of knickers and get changed... no big deal, IYSWIM (to her)

And I suppose, when you are 2 or 3, or even 4 WHY should it matter if you've peed your pants?! Looking back now, I'm sort of glad she didn't care. I have a friend whose dd used to get v distressed if she'd had an accident... that would have been hard to handle, I think

BTW, this is v easy for me to say in hindsight

Acinonyx · 05/03/2009 17:45

Notnowbernard - I think I have your dd's lost twin. She's now 3.7 and I have been driven demented with potty training. No question of getting her on the pot unless her highness decides to do it. And even then - she will hold it in.

Mostly wee-trained now but major poo issues - I despair of starting school in Sep

Bet that really cheered the op up! Had some success with sticker charts and succumbed to chocolate bribes. Has been a very, very, slow process and I am haunted by ghostly wee and poo aromas ....

Smee · 05/03/2009 18:25

Ditch the potty. Seriously, DS was much better when we did. I got one of those step seats that they can use to get onto a grown up loo. Made a huge difference.

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