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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help me - I keep losing my temper with my gorgeous kids

27 replies

Snoots · 02/03/2009 21:01

Help - I am a SAH mum of 3 (all under 4) and feel like I am losing my mind (esp recently). My kids are just gorgeous but I find myself losing my temper and just screaming at them, esp the eldest. Help me - I hate myself but just don't know how to maintain an even keel. I sound like a nutcase but I desperately love my kids and want to make our home a happy one. My DH works 12 hour days, 5 days a week and then plays golf on Saturday and sometimes on Sunday too. I resent his time away and feel like I need a break. Please tell me I am not alone????????

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Thankyouandgoodnight · 02/03/2009 21:04

Crikey no you're not alone but it does sound like you need some time to yourself!! Can you negotiate something weekly with your DH?? What a nightmare!

thisisyesterday · 02/03/2009 21:04

you are NOT alone.

it sounds like you need some "me time"
may I strongly advise a good heart-to-heart with your dh??? it doesn't sound like things are very equal in your household atm, I would be pretty pissed off if my dp was out every weekend and I had no help at all with the kids

Leslaki · 02/03/2009 21:07

Tell him you need a break and he has to give you some time at the weekends or fork out for an hour or so once /twice a week for a creche. Don't go down this road. I did n I'm getting divorced!!! Extreme case i know but it does breed resentment,arguments etc and then the childcare becomes a'chore' for both of you. tell him you need time to yourself/time together. get a babysitter and go out for a meal and talk about it. Hope it works out.

BTW I am not saying you will get divorced - this was just, in my case, how the breakdown in our realtionship started (plus he had an affair)

Original poster

Snoots · 02/03/2009 21:11

Thanks for the messages - I hate feeling like this - I remember my parents screaming at me when i was young and desperately want to avoid turning into my mother....I look in the mirror I and see it happening everyday. DH response is that he is earning the money and can't take time off. He loves his golf but I grudge him the time......grrrr

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thisisyesterday · 02/03/2009 21:14

yeah, but you can't take time off either.
he gets to come home and relax, go to bed, not do much,.
he gets weekends to bugger off and do whatever he wants.

your job is 24/7

god I hate men like this who think that because they're out earning money that means they have to play no part of family life.
does he not want to spend time with his children?

when having similar issues with dp I one day said to him "when the children are older and they look back on their childhood, how would you like them to remember you?"
and it really made him think (i think). cos, as I pointed out, all they were likely to remmeber was seeing him once or twice a week and getting ignored.

PinkyMinxy · 02/03/2009 21:15

Snoots you need a break, lovey.
I'm SAHM with 3 under four, too. It is vitak for everyone that you get a bit of time for yourself.
If he must play golf on saturday make sure you get a lie in and breakfast in bed first. Or something.
You are both working- you could try pointing out that you are supporting him by taking care of the children?

PinkyMinxy · 02/03/2009 21:15

Snoots you need a break, lovey.
I'm SAHM with 3 under four, too. It is vital for everyone that you get a bit of time for yourself.
If he must play golf on saturday make sure you get a lie in and breakfast in bed first. Or something.
You are both working- you could try pointing out that you are supporting him by taking care of the children?

PinkyMinxy · 02/03/2009 21:16

sorry for double post

womblingfree · 02/03/2009 21:18

You must get some space for yourself. If your DH wants to play golf all weekend, fine (well, probably not, but I have a sport mad hubby too and I know what they're like !), but perhaps he can try and get home early one night a week and deal with dinner and bedtime so you can have an evening out, even if it's just round a mates for a coffee.

If it makes you feel better I have just one 4.5 YO and she drives me to the point of screaming on a fairly regular basis , so I can't imagine how anyone copes with 3 pre-schoolers.

Original poster

Snoots · 02/03/2009 21:21

Pinky - a good point. I will remember that one the next time the argument (discussion that he always wins ) comes up.

I feel like a harpie moaning all the time. My heart sinks on a saturday morning cos I want to have fun with the kids but the routine is boring!! Isn't that awful to admit?

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thisisyesterday · 02/03/2009 21:24

not awful to admit at all/ doing the same things day in, day out does get boring, no matter how much you lvoe and enjoy your children.

I think your husband needs to realise just how much you do, and how stressful it is and how resentful you are feeling that he doesn't spend more time with you all.

perhaps you could arrange a regular sunday morning "family time"... even if it's just til lunch time where he promises to stay home and help with the kids.,

Original poster

Snoots · 02/03/2009 21:24

womblingfree - it is easier for DH to play golf, he grumps around the house if I stop him from playing - the sulks aren't worth it!!! Then I get his mother on the phone saying 'his golf is a stress relief....he works so hard' !!!

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honeybunmum · 02/03/2009 21:28

I'm not surprised you lose it! You sound like you are struggling (understandably so) with a young family and no help. What a pig!!! if my DH buggered off to play golf at the weekends he'd be coming home to divorce papers!!! Have you talked to your husband about the way you feel? I think (and my man included) that men will do what they want not really aware of what is going on in front of their noses until it all explodes, and then they say " why didn't you say anything". Do you ever get a break? Have you got any friends or family that could give you some regular help?You cannot continue the way you live at the moment, it will destroy you and have a damaging affect on your DC. I also have 3 (under 5) and I have had to fight to get ME time. My DH exercises, reads the papers etc whilst I work my arse off with the DC and the house. I have really resented him and have had a lot of problems feeling happy. Every so often, after bitchy indirect comments about being a martyr and never getting any time off, my DH would make an effort and offer to let me have a break everytime he was around, but it never lasts long. Things have only improved for me because I have been very strong and done things like handing our baby over to him and saying "I need a break, here you go" then he doesn't get much choice. I feel unfortunately that it does affect the children, if they see you unhappy, shouting and stressed and they see Daddy doing F all to help or to be a father to them, they will grow up with a strange impression of what the family unit should be like and how men treat women. Sorry, I'm rambling a bit... I think you need to tell him how you feel and explain that the pressure you are under is affecting your ability to be loving to yours and HIS DC and that you are at breaking point. Does he really want a desperately unhappy family? or a wife who has a breakdown? Don't let him say anything about the long hours he works, at least he can go to the loo on his own or have the occaisional break. I bet your working day is longer.
Don't beat yourself up about the shouting, I bet you find lots of people say they do it and they won't be in the situation you are in. Your kids will still love you, but you need to sort out the problem before it gets any worse ((((big hugs))))

Leslaki · 02/03/2009 21:28

Yeah and you also need stress relief!!! Let his mother look after heer DG for awhole Sunday/weekend then you and DH can discuss it over a loveley long weekend away!! Come back and see how stressed/knackered she is!!!

womblingfree · 02/03/2009 21:28

My DH is exactly the same with his cricket all summer, and my MIL's attitude is identical to yours. She even suggested that he played when I went in to be induced with DD and I could call him when things started moving!!! He didn't BTW.

That's why I was wondering if him getting home early 1 evening during the week would be an option. And I have to admit I would be kicking up about him doing on both days of the weekend. Perhaps he could take the kids for a round of crazy golf instead!

PinkyMinxy · 02/03/2009 21:34

I would ignore his mother's comments on this- let it wash over you, it's not her marriage.

I would try to negotiate a timetable- so you get a morning at the weekend either with support or time to yourself, and an evening to yourself. Try to keep it as a practical discussion, if you can?

I know it feels hard and draining- and I have a DH who is very actively involved with the children. I would also suggest that he is missing out, too, does he do much family time at all?

Original poster

Snoots · 02/03/2009 21:37

honeybunmum - you are an angel. I do need to step back and be strong. It is true what you say, some +ve changes happen and then slowly and surely things creep back to what they were before. For example, DH was emptying the dishwasher and dressing DS in the mornings. Now that has stopped after about a fortnight. He also comes back and first q is 'whats for dinner?' I swear a frying pan to the face may be on the menu next week

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Original poster

Snoots · 02/03/2009 21:42

Maybe I should demand that DH comes home from work at dinner time - I'm bf the littlie (4 mo) so I can't just bugger off. I can't remember the last time he made the kids dinner (in fact he never has). Is it the norm for Dads to do bugger all?

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helsbels4 · 02/03/2009 21:46

Do men in this century still exist???? I'm a sahm but my DH wouldn't dare to bugger off for the weekend after working all week! Do you not work all week too? I'm afraid I'd have a serious "chat" with him and if that didn't do the trick, I'd clear off for the weekend and let him and mil sort it all out

honeybunmum · 02/03/2009 21:54

Mmm don't know, my DH when here is good with the kids and plays alot with them. He doesn't really do the hard work side of things. It's me that suffers not the kids. I think I'd get more breaks if or kids weren't so young, he uses the baby as a bit of an excuse much like your DH will use the BF as his get out.
When my DH asks what's for dinner, I say " don't know, what are you making us?"
You sound a bit more +ve already... keep it up ( it's good to talk isn't it)
Take small steps in getting me time. Just because you can't leave the little one doesn't mean he couldn't have the other two. I think before you start making demands, it's only fair to talk to him calmly about the situation and try to resolve it together otherwise with all the resentment, it may turn a bit nasty. Do you think he is worried about having them on his own, given that he has no experience? You could always suggest a family outing to somewhere like a play centre so he could see how much fun his DC can be. You could sit and have a coffee with the little one while he gets to know his other two. xxx

sweetkitty · 02/03/2009 21:59

I feel the same, I'm a SAHM to 3 under 5. I feel like I have no patience with the DC especially the middle one who is difficult at the best of times. I have just been diagnosed with PND and have started ADs.

My DP would never bugger off all weekend, he is training for a marathon so does a big 2 hour run every weekend, then he has time off to go to church on a Sunday but thats about it, if he has the odd afternoon away from the house, I will have one as well. He works outside the house, I work inside and the work I do enables him to do his IYSWIM, the minute he is home it's 50/50 with childcare and the house.

ABetaDad · 02/03/2009 22:09

Snoots - it is perfectly understandable why you are at the end of your tether.

From what you say, you are on your own with 3 kids under 4 for 7 days a week.

Your husband must give up his golf on one day a week and you must get some help. If your husband works those hours he must earn a good wage and some of the income must be spent on a cleaner and some relief childcare or nursery care for them so you get some time to yourself.

You cannot go on this way and you must talk to your husband. The entire burden of childcare cannot be left on your shoulders.

Its as simple (and complex) as that.

Original poster

Snoots · 02/03/2009 22:17

Aahh - a cleaner - what a brilliant idea. Could I justify one if I am not working? MIL would sniff!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Snoots · 02/03/2009 22:18

honeybunmum - it is good to talk!! I don't feel so bad tonight - most days start like this - feel like 'right now rows today' - usually disintegrated by 10am!!

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helsbels4 · 02/03/2009 22:20

Stuff the mil!!!!! It's your life and you're the one doing everything. I'd make it quite clear to her that either her beloved son pulls his weight at home or you get some outside help.

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