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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I feel like the worst mother in the world - I have no control over 2.9 year old dd

45 replies

suiledonn · 06/02/2009 21:16

My dd1 will be 3 in May. I went through a difficult time after her birth with PND and anxiety. As part of it I couldn't bear her to be upset or unhappy in any way and so she has always had her own way in everything. On top of this she has had health problems with eczema, asthma and allergies and has never slept through the night. We now have a 12 week old dd2 and I am exhausted by dd1's behaviour. Everything is a huge battle - she looks like a neglected child because she hates having her hair brushed or washed, only wants to wear the same 2 tops even when they are filthy and generally screams and carries on like it is the end of the world when I want her to do anything she doesn't agree with. I realise it is all my fault for letting her get this way but I need some help on how to turn things around. I love her so much but I am starting to see that other people might find it hard to like her if we go on like this. DH tries to be tough with her but I feel like he is too aggressive with her (never physical but shouts a lot and makes threats) I have even heard him tell her that I don't love her anymore and it upsets me a lot. I need to establish my authority and agree a method of parenting with dh but I don't even know where to begin. I am in tears admitting this but I don't know where to turn.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MissisBoot · 06/02/2009 21:20

Oh dear

Don't cry - you can get this back on track.

You and your dh need to agree on how you are going to parent your dd - I'm quite shocked at him telling her that you don't love her anymore.

Has she been like this since your dd2 was born or before?

You need to take one step at a time. What is the biggest issue impacting on you all?

Onlyaphase · 06/02/2009 21:20

Goodness you do sound stressed. Can't offer much constructive help, but my DD is 2.4 and behaves much the same with lots of tears and flinging herself to the floor and shouting/crying if she doesn't get her own way immediately. She hates being dressed or having her nappy changed too.

To be honest, I've just put this behaviour down to her age, but you sound like you are looking for reasons for her behaviour beyond this. Is there any reason you don't just think it is her age?

MissisBoot · 06/02/2009 21:21

I've found the little princess books quite effective in dealing with hairbrushing/washing etc.

Original poster

suiledonn · 06/02/2009 21:26

She has always been like this so not connected to the new baby. I don't think it is just normal 2 year old behaviour. If I don't do what she wants she says ' you have have to, you have to' over and over again getting more and more upset. I cannot make her stand still for a minute to brush her hair, wash her, change her clothes and I hate the thought of trying to physically restrain her to do it. Maybe I am over sensitive but when she is screaming and crying I just want to comfort her and make her feel better even when I know I am right. Sometimes if we are supposed to go somewhere I just give up and don't bother because I can't deal with the stress of getting ready. I just feel powerless around her which is really stupid - she is 2 for god's sake.

OP posts:

Original poster

suiledonn · 06/02/2009 21:26

OP posts:

MissisBoot · 06/02/2009 21:26

Lets take one thing at a time.

If she won't have her hair brushed then have it cut shorter.

Allocate specific roles to yourself and your dh - ie bathtime and hairwashing to dh - done everyday. Then atleast in the morning you'll have a clean child.

This'll then give you time to spend getting your dd2 ready for bed.

Re: the tops.
Atm I'd just let her wear these to be honest. Just make sure they're clear. There is no point in battling over clothes at this age.

Re: sleeping through the night - what techniques have you tried so far? Is her eczema waking her up?

Does your dd spend time with you without dd2? Maybe you could put some time aside every day to do something together?

Onlyaphase · 06/02/2009 21:28

Do you have a decent health visitor you can talk to - they might be able to give you a better steer on what is normal 2 year old behaviour.

cory · 06/02/2009 21:32

"Your fault for letting her get this way"- well only if you mean for letting her live until she reached the age of 2 Because I hate to tell you, but IME this is what 2-year-olds are like. They just are. Dd could tantrum for England at this age. Not your fault, just a stage in their development.

I think you need to find a way of just making her do things without losing your own temper/making threats/shouting. She is still little; it should be possible to hold her firmly and wash her hair whether she wants to or not. Just ignore any struggles and let the screams wash over you so to speak. Same with the top, I would take it off her and put it on her, ignoring her reactions.

If you have recovered from your PND, you need to tell yourself firmly that she will come to no harm from having her will crossed. IME the parents who lose it and get shouty and aggressive are the ones who feel secretly guilty about imposing their will. There is no need for this. Your demands are perfectly reasonable, nothing to get upset over. Your dh needs to understand this too. Absolutely not worth emotional black-mail over.

hellymelly · 06/02/2009 21:33

Don't feel too terrible,this is all fairly typical of her age group to a greater or lesser degree,and so all of us with slightly older children than you (my eldest is 4) will have been through it.I find working out discipline that is effective and doesn't make me feel like a bully really hard,and still battle it a bit but it has got much easier over the last few months (she is only just four)The issues you are grappling with seem compounded by you feeling somewhat undermined as a mother,I think you have mainly lost confidence and yet from your post on some level you have more of a key into your dd than you think.I find just being really calm but firm and consistant,whilst also being kind,is what works ,(but it is hard to sustain and I do end up being horribly shouty when I am tired.)Cut yourself some slack,ask your dh to take his lead from you for a while,and find what works for you,trust your own heart and your mothering.it will get easier.

Original poster

suiledonn · 06/02/2009 21:34

I took her to the hairdresser last week. I had spoken to them first about her as her hair is in a big fuzzy mess at the back. I got her in the door and coat off before she went mental - screaming, crying, saying she was afraid. The girls there were totally taken aback. DD seemed so upset and terrified. We stayed there for a while and I tried to calm her down enough to do something but ended up leaving again.
Re: the sleep. We co-slept for a long time but moved her to her own bed before baby arrived. She goes down to bed easily and goes to sleep fine but she always wanders up looking for me after a couple of hours. We out her back to bed and she may or may not settle. If not then she comes into my bed and always ends up with me at some point. Some nights she sleeps ok once in with me. Other nights she is awake for hours with bug wide eyes, talking and wanting to play.

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 06/02/2009 21:37

aw, you poor thing, your confidence sounds wrecked. (your daughter sounds normal, if a little spirited. this will stand her in good stead later in life.) is there a surestart group near you that you AND dh can go to? (cos shouting and threatening and saying mummy doesn't love you etc, while not done with a violent tone, is really Not On, you know.)

AitchTwoOh · 06/02/2009 21:39

my dd is going through a BIG phase of being scared of things at the moment, she completely gets hysterical. i've presumed it's because she needs a bit of attention because we have a new baby in the house. so being scared makes her a baby as well, iykwim? so it is attention-seeking, but in a sincere way, because she needs the attention.

cheerycherry · 06/02/2009 21:45

Just general ideas....try role play for hair brushing...on you, your dp, dolls, cuddly toys, then herself, same with bathing and hair washing.
Also...bribery! Worked a treat for mine when they were little, doesn't have to be costly, just a trip to the park/woods/a friends house/ or tv or dvd time...some nice bobbles/hairband when her hair is nicely washed/or cut.
Take her shopping, even to charity shops, to see all the different clothes there are, let her choose a coupls of new things.
With perseverence you can do it, its just damned hard work sometimes!
Best of luck.

SazzlesA · 06/02/2009 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AitchTwoOh · 06/02/2009 21:48

oooh yes, that's true, bribery. when dd got lice (barf) the way i got her to sit still for the wet combing was by giving her a lollipop and sitting down in front of cbeebies.

also, get a tangle teazer. dd has very curly hair, it's the only thing that works.

AitchTwoOh · 06/02/2009 21:48

www.beautybay.com/accessories/tangleteezer/g/tangleteezer/ really, really, REALLY worth it.

SazzlesA · 06/02/2009 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FiveGoMadInDorset · 06/02/2009 21:59

Can I say that we were in that situation and now we are coming through the other side. DS is now 8 months, DD was 2.5 when he was born.

Let her wear the tops, just wash and dry if you can.

If you can spend some time with just her, for us it is bedtime, I do it she won't let DH but we talk read a story while he sorts out DS and supper. Her sleep has gone tits up aswell, she now goes to bed later and has a bunny clock.

It will get better, she is being a normal 2.9 year old but you have the added stress of a young baby.

Racingsnake · 06/02/2009 22:00

My dd, also 2, can be very similar. It's the age! Sometimes I blame myself too, but even if it is 'your fault', so what? They don't come with a manual, you do your best at any one moment. (But no-one should EVER tell them they are not loved, unconditionally, whatever they do.)

On the other hand, your dh is probably doing his best too. So easy to get caught up in their rage.

As the others say, cut her hair short - can't you do it? - use a detangle spray at the back, let her choose a couple of other cheap tops, remember crying won't hurt her and you probably remember it for longer than she does.

AitchTwoOh · 06/02/2009 22:01

well my dd's very similar too and i think i'm a great mum, lol. she's excellent and lively, that's all.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 06/02/2009 22:04

DD has now discovered what a washing machine is and that sometimes her clothes need o be washed

PinkyMinxy · 06/02/2009 22:05

Suiledonn sorry to hear you are having troubles.
I agree with others that she sounds quite normal I think you need to stop thinking it is your fault.

My DD1 is quite spirited, too. The way I deal with things she doesn't want to do, but needs to, is to sympathise - validate and recognise her feelings, but follow through with what I need to do. If you can gently persist whilst keeping calm it can work.
Nappy changes- I usually ignore her kicking me or shouting etc. and ask her if she can point to her nose, hair eyebrows etc. then if she needs her top off at the same time I say can she touch the sky and whip the top off at the same time.
Sometimes I do have to hold her quite firmly and put clothes on, but try to keep calm and discuss what we will be doing next.

This week, at Tumbletots, she didn't want to do any of it (unusual for her) and was being very shy and clingy. I asked her if she wanted to go home, she said yes, so we did.

Telling your little girl mummy doesn't love her is really not on.Making her feel bad about herself, or insecure about your relationship won't improve her behaviour, but neither should you take her behaviour to heart.

I hope any of this has been any use. Please come and chat to us again on the p.natal thread if you get chance- quite a few of us have been having struggles with toddler behaviour and new babies.
xx

PinkyMinxy · 06/02/2009 22:08

oh yes, I can only trim her nails if she is watching the hungry caterpillar dvd and I hold her very firmly, but we get it done- even if only one had/foot at a sitting!

rempy · 06/02/2009 22:09

Frizzease spray cracked the "no hair brush" phase here, DD has tangled ringlets, generally a riot. She thinks the spray is hilarious. You need to be quick still with the brush.

I think you have to try and view her being upset occasionally as a valuable life lesson for her. Decide yourself what really matters, bottom line, for you, and be clear with you DD - explain in a normal voice, and then the really hard bit, you have to keep on saying it, and on and on and on, until it gets in their head.

My DD is only just 2, so a bit younger, and she, and we, benefit from having a predictable routine at the beginning and end of the day. It helps us because we can say "you always have nappy and cream on before your milk", and in a way the routine gives you some authority, and her some reassurance - what she wants (her favorite toy and milk) will happen, very soon.

You say you dread physically restraining her to dress her etc - can you make it a sort of game? Im going to catch you! Or a cuddle? I wonder if you are attaching a label to something that could actually be many things. I am always grabbing my LO to dress her, but would never think I was "restraining" her, its still a kind of game really for her.

Original poster

suiledonn · 06/02/2009 22:10

Thanks everyone. Just getting off my chest without feeling judged is helping. I also feel I have been unfair in the way I explained about dh. He adores her and would never hurt her. Its just a few times he has seen me really struggling and tried to step in to help and ended up at too high a level iykwim. I know I have to pick my battles and some things are more important than others but I just can't seem to ever get through to her. A couple of times recently she has tried to bite us when she didn't get her own way and when I try to explain she must never bite she tries to turn it into a joke saying its funny and when I say it isn't she tries to convince me it's a bit funny.
I do make time for the two of us together. I put her to bed and tell her stories every night and I try to make sure I sit with her for cuddles during the day and not always dismiss her when she wants me so she isn't lacking in attention but I suppose it isn't the 100% she is used to before dd2 arrived.

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