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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I feel like the worst mother in the world - I have no control over 2.9 year old dd

45 replies

suiledonn · 06/02/2009 21:16

My dd1 will be 3 in May. I went through a difficult time after her birth with PND and anxiety. As part of it I couldn't bear her to be upset or unhappy in any way and so she has always had her own way in everything. On top of this she has had health problems with eczema, asthma and allergies and has never slept through the night. We now have a 12 week old dd2 and I am exhausted by dd1's behaviour. Everything is a huge battle - she looks like a neglected child because she hates having her hair brushed or washed, only wants to wear the same 2 tops even when they are filthy and generally screams and carries on like it is the end of the world when I want her to do anything she doesn't agree with. I realise it is all my fault for letting her get this way but I need some help on how to turn things around. I love her so much but I am starting to see that other people might find it hard to like her if we go on like this. DH tries to be tough with her but I feel like he is too aggressive with her (never physical but shouts a lot and makes threats) I have even heard him tell her that I don't love her anymore and it upsets me a lot. I need to establish my authority and agree a method of parenting with dh but I don't even know where to begin. I am in tears admitting this but I don't know where to turn.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

shrinetothomastank · 06/02/2009 22:11

sounds like you could do with dh's help on this too. Could you spend 2hrs/more with just DD2 whilst dh has DD1? My DH is the same - threatening, then not acting , then getting really nmad and over- reacting... but if you pklan together the battles most important that you want to fight ( 2/3 tops) then agree on what will happen when.... then get support from DH so that maybe tomorrow am he can be ' in charge' and make a start you can both build on .. hard bit i having to trust in dh...then you take over ame game plan. All children need conssistency and guidelines - though 2 yr olds are major tantrum years. And don't worry - she knows she's loved

AitchTwoOh · 06/02/2009 22:12

agree completely about validating their feelings, no 'oh shush, you're not really scared etc'. they are scared, their version of it. they're feeling 'stuff', she may just not know what your definition of scared is. plus i find i get better results (from my perspective, more obedience etc) if i really listen to what she's saying and respond to that on her level.

also agree COMPLETELY about giving her an idea of what the day will involve. break it down, so 'this morning we're goinig to toddlers and then coming home for lunch and then off to grandma's'. but in reality then break it down further to 'you can play for five minutes then mummy will come in and get you dressed and then we'll put on your coat and go out into the snow'.

clemette · 06/02/2009 22:13

I would sit down and ask yourself which things REALLY matter to you. And only fight the battles about the things that really matter.
Then try to turn it around and rather than tell her off for things, really over praise the things she does well. Sticker charts work well here - she gets a sticker everytime she talks nicely/sleeps in her bed/is kind to her brother and she loses one everytime she doesn't do it. When she gets a certain number she gets a treat.
If it helps, there is a weekly themed sticker chart in the cbeebies magazine.

As for the crying, I understand that you don't want her to be upset, but it will upset her when the world does not completely go her way. It upsets me that the world doesn't revolve around me. It is your job as a parent to teach her that sometimes she can't have it all her own way, but I would only tackle one issue at a time.

And just remember that they all go through it - it is not your fault, and the fact that you want to help her is a sign of your good parenting. BUT you have to tell your husband NEVER to withdraw yours or his love again unless he wants to do serious damage.

AitchTwoOh · 06/02/2009 22:15

i don't think your dh is getting a slating, don't worry. we totally get that he's just at the end of a tether for that moment and that it has no bearing on how he actually feels about her.

but saying that mummy doesn't love you, especially with a new baby in the house, is plain wrong and he mustn't do it again, truly.

Original poster

suiledonn · 06/02/2009 22:15

Can anyone recommend a good book - I know it won't give me all the answers but just an idea on where to start and for dh to look at too.

OP posts:

PinkyMinxy · 06/02/2009 22:16

Suiledonn I'm sure your DH is lovely I hope you didn't think I was judging him.

Original poster

suiledonn · 06/02/2009 22:19

Hi pinky, don't worry I didn't think so. I really must make time to get back to the November board. I miss the chat and humour and support there but it is rare I get time to mumsnet these days. Hope you are all well. Say hello to everyone for me til I get back there.

OP posts:

PinkyMinxy · 06/02/2009 22:19

I have found those 'how to talk'a books very useful source of positive parenting techniques.

AitchTwoOh · 06/02/2009 22:19

www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054

it's really excellent, imo. i think it's designed for slightly older children but i found it a good read and dd1 has only just turned 3.

PinkyMinxy · 06/02/2009 22:20

x-posts!
ahh will do, hope you'll come over to 'see' us soon.x

Original poster

suiledonn · 06/02/2009 22:28

Thanks for the advice and support. I am going to sit down and talk everything over with dh and make some decisions. I'm glad I took the plunge and posted now.

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 06/02/2009 22:32

good for you.

oregonianabroad · 06/02/2009 22:38

just wanted to recommend this book and wish you well -- it does get easier. patience!

Racingsnake · 06/02/2009 22:41

Try 'The No-Cry Discipline Solution'. Also remember that wanting something, not getting it, having a tantrum, recovering and being happy again is a VERY important lesson. It will only make her more resiliant and stronger.

shrinetothomastank · 06/02/2009 23:15

sorry about all the spelling errors - rushing!!

SilentTerror · 06/02/2009 23:23

Can completely sympathise,DD3 is 3 and very similar.
She is youngest of 4,with big age gaps and to be honest I just give in most of the time,I truly cannot be bothered to argue.
She goes to preschool with unbrushed hair,snotty face etc.
the only thing that keeps me sane is that no toddler is anywhere near as bad as a teenager

Racingsnake · 07/02/2009 18:58

Thank you so much for this thread! (Even though it wasn't me who started it.) I have used various tips and DD is being much easier to manage.

Not sure that I want to think what teenagers will be like! One thing at a time.

LadyBuzz · 07/02/2009 19:39

Suiledonn hugs to you girl, I too have been having toddler issues, as pinky said a few of us have.
I am currently reading Toddler Taming which is helping - If only to reassure me that it is not just my toddler that is ike this and it is in fact normal.
Hope things work out for you

lililolo · 09/02/2009 02:04

My DD is the same sometimes - she's 2.4. We had similar angst about getting dressed, and in the end the only thing that worked was leaving her in whatever room we were in and saying 'OK, let me know when you're ready to get dressed then' and then not engaging in anything else (fun or otherwise) until she was dressed. So if she came over with a toy, I just said 'yes, we can play with that when you're dressed' and put it down, and honestly within 5 minutes she was keen to get dressed and do more exciting things than sit on her own in the bedroom. I only actually needed to do it a few times and she stopped it - it literally only took less than a week. I've used similar techniques for other things but that was the main one that drove me nuts!

They are contrary I think at this age, which is why I tried to show her it was in her interests, and not mine, to get stuff done. I also started these activities with plenty of time because I realised I was getting more and more arsy the less time we had to get somewhere.

I'm sure it's just a phase - I had similar separation issues as I had a load of miscarriages and then a traumatic birth, and I hate her being unhappy

AitchTwoOh · 09/02/2009 09:49

agree, i think leaving them to it is often the best way. if you look at the getting dressed issue as a control issue, then just give them back the control. dd has never, ever let me get dressed and my coat on and dd2 ready without wanting to get dressed herself. she is still a pita about what clothes go with what, though. i wonder where she gets that from?

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