DS has started hitting me :(

[mindalina]

and I just don't know how to deal with it.

He did it for the first time yesterday. First I told him very calmly to stop, then I ignored him for a bit before telling him to stop again. Then I shouted, ignored him, shouted some more, smacked him, told him to go away Please don't jump on me for smacking him. I always said I'd never do it, and I meant it, and I plan to ensure it never happens again, but he'd be hitting me for more than ten minutes by this point and I'd run out of ideas and was very upset and stressed.

Today when he started I told him calmly to stop, then held his hands away from me while I told him off, as soon as I let go he was hitting me again, I started crying. Pathetic I know. I just can't handle this. I shut myself in the kitchen for a minute while I cried then went and put him in the bath - all seems calm now and he has said he loves me although I have at no point had an apology for the hitting - he thinks it's funny.

He turned two in January.

How do I deal with this effectively? I'm not stupid, I know losing my temper and smacking him won't help, but I couldn't help myself. I'm not a natural at parenting anyway but it's just getting harder and harder and I'm in a such mess about it, am worried I am getting it so so wrong. Any opinions gratefully received - except those who just want to give me a hard time about smacking him - believe you me I am gutted about it and ashamed enough as it is and if you lay into me I will cry lots.

I think most people have a breaking point and I don't know why anyone would feel the need to get self righteous with someone who reached theirs. Small children have no empathy - if you smack them they get so upset but can't link that to your upset which is why he laughs. Have you naughty stepped him? 2 mins and ask for an apology would be my route. Personally I don't agree with ignoring bad behaviour - I know it's the favoured route now but I think consequence is a lesson most children lack.

someone must have done it to him as most children copy cat, maybe there is a book about people hitting in the childrens book area of the library or waterstones.
Its best to remove a reward i.e. something he likes, a favourite outing tv, computer toy [don't know how old he is]
remove privledges always works as does a reward chart they love rewards stickers etc.,
the other option social workers like is time out on naughty step, i prefer to remove something, and to be calm and not react like a burning fire but turn round very slowly speak in a low voice and explain how its not nice to do this as he would not like this,,
good luck

Wash his hair every single time and instantly the minute he uses aggression - it worked for my DS at this age, who is no longer aggressive. Like Minxie, I think ignoring bad behaviour is a cop-out, particularly for boys. I don't think hitting teaches them not to hit, though I don't judge you at all, but I do think a short sharp shock of something unpleasant like this is actions speaking louder than words,. Be consistent though - he has to learn that every single time he hits, he has the bore of having his hair washed. Another friend of mine used cold showers, so there is that too. And for the bleating liberals who call any of this cruel, for me the crueller thing is letting a boy grow up in today's society thinking aggression is the answer to his problems. If you tackle a behaviour at 2, you have a far greater chance of changing it than if you leave it till 7.

Hmm I can't imagine where he's actually seen someone hitting someone - I do have a bit of a temper but that manifests as shouting rather than violence.

Agree ignoring him is failing completely - he just carried on bashing me on the head

Not sure how best to implement a naughty step - we are very strapped for space in a two bed flat and I thought it was a bad idea to send them to their room as punishment?

I currently confiscate toys if they are used to hit me, or thrown around the room. At 2 will he make the connection between hitting me and losing a toy?

Sickofsocalledexperts, I appreciate your suggestion but it won't work for me. Hair washing for DS is not a bore but a trauma - he hates it and I am trying very hard to make it stress-free for him so I think that your method would, in my case, probably be counter-productive. As I said, I appreciate your input anyway

Hair washing was also a trauma for my boy mindalina, that's why it worked so well as a deterrent. My in laws said I was creating a problem for the future (phobia re hairwashing) but I told them that when he is 16 and 6ft 5 tall aggression will get him put in prison (or worse), whereas not liking his hair washed is a minor issue in comparison, and can be dealt with when he is older and wiser. But I do take your point and you have to find whatever works best for your DS, as they are all so different!

Well I agree that a phobia of hair-washing as a child is probably better than a 16 year old violent enough to get put in prison for it!

But I dunno. Maybe cos I'm funny about water myself, can't stand to have water on my face for long, that I can't bring myself to push it with him. I don't think I could bear the noise of using hairwashing as a deterrent!!

I am worried though about his size as he grows actually. DP is 6'6 and I only 5', so DS will be bigger than me by the time he's about 9! So physical dominance will only get me so far.

Pfffft. God this parenting lark is hard! I just feel so very ineffective at the moment I am really not cut out for this I don't think.

When he hits you say,

'stop hitting me, it hurts',

if he carries on (which he prob will) you then say,

'i'm going to count to 3, if you don't stop by the time i get to three, i will take away your (cue frantic looking around for most popular toy of the moment) xyz'.

Count to three (reasonably slowly) and if he doesn't stop by 3, immediately take said toy away and put it on a high shelf, in view of him. it really doesn't take long for this method to work, before long you'll barely have got 'one' out before he stops.

or try simple distraction, it is possible he is hitting because he is bored, or tired, or hungry, or just frustrated. try taking yourself and him out of the situation.

Good Luck!.

Sorry if you put a 2 year old child in a cold shower as punishment that is cruel. And I am not a bleating liberal I am a normal mother who thinks very hard about things and my opinions should not be dismissed because they differ with yours.

A 2 year old child acts out of lack of control. They are not trying to be cruel and you do not punish them with a view to what they will be like at 16. You treat them as a 2 year old child.

I am not going to presume to tell you how to discipline your child. He could have a form of ASD. My son does and he hates water on him, and doesnt understand personal space as well as other children so sometimes hits. However this might not be the case with your son. Perhaps he is just hitting. Most toddlers do. Its a stage they go through and treating it with a form of physical abuse in return will not teach them empathy.

Let me reiterate, and flame me if you will but I am standing firm on this: a two year old child should not be put in a cold shower as a form of punishment. It would terrify them and make them think their mother was going to turn on them randomly. They are not old enough to fully understand hitting.

DS did this at exactly the same age.

We did explaining and then naughty step. We didn't use naughty step for anything else. He always had a warning. Within 2 weeks he had stopped. you could use naught spot maybe? It's amazing how they stay on it. Does he go to nursery/preschool? Have a chat with them and check you are being consistent. If he's only hitting you I don't think you really have much to worry about.

I know how you feel though. Those two weeks were really long and i found it difficult. Where is my little baby gone?

I also got DH involved. Even though DS didn't hit him, he 'stood up for me' IYSWIM.

I think it's quite sad now that small boys have very little in the way of male role models but that's a whole 'nother thread.

This too shall pass!

Cold shower????? 2 year old???
Joke, right???

I had the same outburst from my DD the other day. She is such a sweet little cretin normally. We were in Asda, and all of a sudden she went potty. Pulling my hair and screaming. No known trigger. I was trying to calm her down by asking her to stop hitting Mammy as it hurt. I couldn't put her down as in a public place. People were walking by, giving me the 'bad mother' stare. I adore my DD, and it absolutely broke my heart. Nothing I said got thru, until I started to cry uncontrollably!At that point she stopped and smiled thru her tears and said, 'Mammy, lets go and see the fish'. It took me about 1 hour to stop crying - pathetic I know. I don't know what I will do next time, apart from try and keep my cool. Not a lot of help to you, but just to let you know that you aren't the only one. keep strong - and remember, that little ones go thru phases and try things out (my Mum told me that!)
Good luck

We had this.

WE found a book called, 'Hands are not for hitting' (very American but helpful) which helped to reinforce the rule that it's ok to be angry/ sad etc but it's not ok to hit.

Thanks Earlyriser I will give it a go.

Hereidrawtheline - relax, it's ok - I have no intention of putting him in a cold shower - that was merely mentioned by someone else as it was a solution for someone she knew.

I sincerely doubt DS has any form of ASD or other learning difficulty. We saw the HV for his two year check just last week and she was happy with him and his progress - he was of course angelic while we there (he can be truly the loveliest boy in the world when he chooses to)

My concerns about him as a teenager, or even as an older child are more to do with the fact that I want to establish an effective system of discipline that doesn't require physical dominance on my part, as it simply won't be there in a few short years. Already at two his head is by my hip

I agree with hereidrawtheline on the shower idea. Wouldn't do this for my ds' either, they would become totally hysterical, it would be a nightmare to carry out and it seems a fairly extreme way of dealing with the problem without trying a gentler approach first.

I currently have a travel cot set up in the living room and if ds2 does something naughty, he is told no, then warned he will go in the naughty cot, and then deposited in there with no toys for up to 3 minutes.

For ds1, the mere threat of being sent upstairs is normally enough to calm him down. If he does do something after being warned he is carted upstairs and deposited in his room for a few minutes. He hates being confined, so the stairgate on the door is enough to get the message across.

I understand my son is very big for his age too. And he hits me sometimes. But he just doesnt understand. And that would apply to him whether or not he had SN. Try everything first, naughty step, TO, whatever you think would work.

It is very upsetting and I have had days where I have cried too so I feel where you are coming from.

Oops x-posted there with a few of you. Thank you for continued input, it is much appreciated.

I will check out that book, thanks for the link.

In all honesty, I am considering having "This too shall pass" tattooed down my arm, for the times when I am sitting with my head in my hands completely despairing of him! Thought I might "Worse things happen at sea" down the other arm for all round perspective!!!

You have cheered me up a bit as well as giving me some smashing advice. Thanks again

I did not use the cold shower, a friend of mine did. I also tried everything before trying hairwash - naughty step, confiscating toys, time outs etc etc. Nothing worked. It did not help that my DS (who is indeed autistic) was non verbal at the time, so I did not have the option of using words to reason with him or threaten/blackmail him ("no TV if you do that etc"). I'm not sure about cold showers, but I don't think washing a kid's hair is abuse by any means. When it got to the stage that my DS (at 2) had bitten his 70 year old grandpa so hard that it looked like he had been bitten by an animal, I needed to take action. He needed to learn that biting / kicking /hitting was not an appropriate response. I think that is particularly important given his autism, as he would not now be coping in mainstream if he still thought it acceptable to hit/bite his peers. That's all. I certinly don't dispute anyone's right to have a different opinion, but I wanted to set the record straight that I am not and would never be cruel. But I won't have my son grow up thinking it's ok to hit or bite, particuarly as I don't know how his autism will turn out and he will (like the OP's son) be bigger than me quite soon! Please don't get upset hereidrawtheline as I'm only expressing a viewpoint and so are you - no hard feelings!

DS started to hit me just after he turned two. I followed some advice on here by a poster called gagarin and it worked really well - he was doing it less within a day and stopped altogether after three days or so.

It was something like - as soon as he hits, say firmly "no, we don't hit" and leave the room immediately/ put him in a safe space for a few minutes (nb NOT the same as a naughty step - you wouldn't be timing it/insisting he stays there etc - you're just ignoring for a few minutes).

It doesn't matter if he laughs or doesn't seem bothered - after a bit he'll come to realise that it's a bore when he starts hitting, hoping for a reaction, and doesn't ever get one.

When you go back to him you could reiterate the reason why you left the room but it should be low key otherwise he will keep trying to provoke a reaction from you.

apologies to gagarin if I have got some of this wrong btw

The most important thing is to do EXACTLY the same every time and get anyone else looking after him to do the same too.

sickofsocalledexperts - I know you werent saying you personally did that. I just still say I cant see it as a viable form of discipline for a child of that age. I fully sympathise with you as another mother of ASD and to be honest dont really at this point have much of an opinion regarding hair washing - its certainly a novel approach and I am not the judge in these matters.

I objected to the suggestion of cold showers as a form of discipline, yes, and I wont be hypocritical and back down from that. I still dont mean it aggressively but it is how I feel.

I also didnt like the bleating liberal comment as I felt it was defensive before anyone even reacted, and also was just saying if you disagreed you were probably a bleating liberal (i.e. without logic, firm basis etc)

Thank you for saying no hard feelings though, I appreciate it, as I value MN as a place of comfort and humour for me and guidance on dealing with my son's SN and I really dont like a lot of tension etc so generally refrain from posting disagreeable statements. But in this case I did.

No hard feelings to you too.

mindalina, it's hard when you try to do it "by the book" but then crack.

Start by accepting that if you try to do it supernanny style you'll end up smacking, crying, shouting or all three. You need to find a technique suitable for lesser mortals!
I'd start thinking about what you do during the rest of the day. Switch your language from negative to positive (so say "gentle!!!" or "nice hands!" rather than "naughty boy!"). Think about the times when things go well between you - what is it that's happening then? How can you extend it? You might find that switching to positive instructions and positive invitations to do something together work.

Hope so.

Weird idea re cold showers and 24 month-old child by the way. Presumably the person suggesting this was thinking about someone much older.

Maybe I'm wrong but hitting is the one rule that we absolutely stick to and there are no 'warnings' and 'hitting isn't nice'. If ds hits (which really doesn't happen often, either me or his younger brother) he is told firmly that we DO NOT hit, it is not acceptable, and he goes streight in the corner for 3 minutes. I then explain to him that we 'kiss and kiddle' we 'do not hit, ever, nobody'. He has to apologise and kiss/make up. THat's the rule, no exception, no warning. Although I try to look at the cause of his frustration, and try to make sure it doesn't happen in the future, that's almost impossible... He can hit when he is tired, and hungry, but I know that he will be tired and hungry in the future it's not something that you can control, so he still gets the punishment. If (i don't shout at them often) he continues hitting I might sometimes say to him 'if you hit me I will shout at you' he stops immediatly he hates being shouted at. As I say, he doesn't hit often at all, he is quite a mild child, but I think that it happens to most children once in a while.

Oh wow - sorry for not responding all evening have been at work. But some brilliant suggestions here to get on with I am really very grateful to all of you. Hopefully tomorrow there will be no tears! (his or mine )

I've never understood why people force children to say sorry when they either don't understand or don't mean it. It is teaching them to lie bascially. I have 3 young children and I've always done the same with them all, tlak to them, explain things and depending on age, distraction. I agree with the likes of Alfie Kohn on parenting though and Dr Sears to an extent.

My children say sorry because they mean it, it may take 20 mins after doing something but they think and they say sorry because they mean it and because they understand why it needs to be said. The fact they say it of their own volition makes it meaningful and much more effective ime and imo.