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Original poster

I am so fed up with DS, he is the world's most disobedient child. Please heeeelp

32 replies

TinySocks · 05/02/2009 07:57

Please heeeeelp.
DS just turned 4. He has his good days and his bad days behaviour-wise. But for the last few months I have found him increasingly difficult to handle.
He is so disobedient, it is driving me crazy.
I have to repeat myself 10 times before he decides to comply.
If I ask him not to touch an appliance, he just continues, does it over and over again.
It is not lack of understanding or hearing. He is simply SO disobedient. I feel like I am negotiating with the united nations on a daily basis.
I don?t want to get angry with him, I don?t like shouting.
He doesn?t understand long term consequences (he has some special needs), so saying things like ?If you behave well today you can watch TV this evening? doesn?t work.

Can someone please give me ideas? Can this just be a phase? Are all 4 year olds like this or is this behaviour because of his developmental delay?

Thank you.

OP posts:
yawningmonster · 05/02/2009 08:01

Hi, my ds may be a bit different because we have recently found out he has Aspergers syndrome. However just wanted to reassure you that 4 year olds can be vile no matter what the underlying issues...before diagnosis I searched the archives and came up with so many threads about 4 year olds which really reassured me. We don't know how much of what ds does is 4 year old stuff and how much is Aspergers but I feel your frustration!!
BTW not for a minute suggesting your ds may have Aspergers.

Original poster
TinySocks · 05/02/2009 08:04

Hi yawn!
Thank you for your reply. Don't worry I know my DS does not have aspergers. He does have a general developmental delay though.

I don't know if he is over the top because of his delay or if this is common for 4 year olds.
I am so frustrated. He is still young and I am worried that if he continues like this he will get harder and harder to handle.

OP posts:
NAB09 · 05/02/2009 08:09

Just getting on thread as I know I will need some tips.

All mine have had something done to them and are in a total answering back and beiong disobedient phase. Unless they want tv and they will do anything almost .

yawningmonster · 05/02/2009 08:11

The vibe I got from the archives is that they do come out of it. I can completely relate to not knowing what causes what it can make your head spin. I think that general vileness is very common in 4 year olds but perhaps in our case Aspergers and in your case GDD may exacerbate this tendency iykwim however I do think that it will pass with consistency and determination.

Original poster
TinySocks · 05/02/2009 08:14

Oh really yawn? Honestly, if it is a phase and they grow out of it then I'll just take a deep breath and try to cope. I just don't know how to get him to things or stop doing things.
It is like talking to a brick wall.
aaggrrrrrrrr

OP posts:
RaspberryBlower · 05/02/2009 08:18

I know three 4 year old boys and they have all turned into little monsters, testing boundaries and their parent's patience. My DB (one of these boys is my nephew) said he read they get a shot of testosterone at this age which affects their behaviour. I don't know if this is true, but I just wanted to say I don't think you're alone in finding a 4 year old boy hard to handle.

ilove · 05/02/2009 08:20

I'm afraid that I SHOUT and that does do the trick. I've got 3 boys of various ages...deliberate insolence like you are describing was never tolerated.

Original poster
TinySocks · 05/02/2009 08:26

Oh, thanks you thank you thank you Raspberry.
So if this behaviour is not uncommon, how do people deal with it?

I don't want DS to get away with things. I do try to choose my battles, but any ideas on what I can do when he is being difficult?

I am worried about losing his respect. I don't want him to think he can do whatever he wants. I am so tired of repeating things over and over again.

He is ruling our home. If he gets into our bedroom, he will take all my DH's ties, get all the clothes out of the cupboards, and make a mess. So now we have to lock our bedroom door. I don't want to lock doors in my own home!

If I am on the computer, he will follow me, play with the printer (open it close it, push buttons), grab all the paper, over and over again. So now I have no choice but to use the computer only when he is not around.

The list goes on and on. I know it is good that he is exploring, etc, but how to put a limit to it? And make him respect boundries and home rules. What a nightmare.

OP posts:
CharleeheartsherChains · 05/02/2009 08:30

Little boys get a huge Testosterone boost at the age of 4, i think this it what causes it, my son is 4 and since turning 4 has become a real nightmare.

It will pass, just make sure punishments are instant and followed through.
We use 1,2,3 Magic and it works wonders, you can buy the book on Amazon for a couple of pound.

WinkyWinkola · 05/02/2009 08:31

The computer thing is very familiar to me. It means that he wants your attention and is wondering why the computer has it and not him. I gave up using the computers when the DCs are around. They're at nursery this AM and it so silent.

Pulling ties and shirts down and weeing inside duvet covers is another speciality of my DS who isn't quite 4 yet. So, I've more to look forward to?

I think it's simply a case of keeping on and on and on at them, letting them know it's not acceptable behaviour. Boring, wearing, tedious but true. The message will get home eventually. Or he'll get bored and find some other mischief to make.

If you feel the need, taking a toy away due to specific rule breaking.

Roll on school!

LightShinesInTheDarkness · 05/02/2009 08:35

TinySocks - sounds like you are losing heart and, believe me, he will know that and will be exploiting any chinks in your armour!

You just have to try and be firm, firm, firm.

Positive instructions can help - not 'don't touch the cooker' but 'stay at the table, please'. Choices - 'if you tidy your room, you can make a cake' against 'if you leave your room in a mess, you will be going to bed early'. He chooses. He takes the consequences. He is not too young to understand this, he is already making a cjoice to defy you.

Follow through - if there is a sanction, make sure you follow it through otherwise he will know he will win eventually.

Catching him being good can be such a boost - 'i noticed you ate your dinner without making any mess, well done'. 'you asked for that in a very polite way' etc

It all sounds so 'textbook' but I tried all of these tactics with my DCs and have found they work. Still do and DCs are 10 and 7.

Hang in there - your concern shows what a dedicated mum you are, trying to do the best for him. And I bet on good days you get lovely cuddles!!

Original poster
TinySocks · 05/02/2009 08:35

Thanks for your answers. It really helps knowing that I am not alone. I feel calmer now.
I will boy that 1,2,3 magic book.
Regarding punishments , that is my biggest problem. Because of his special needs, it is so difficult to punish (don't like the word) him (lack of understanding, severe language delay). Maybe I'll copy this on the special needs section to see if anyone has ideas on suitable "punishments".
Thank you again!

OP posts:
LightShinesInTheDarkness · 05/02/2009 08:38

Doh! Just re-read about long-term consequences, so that won't work. Sorry not to have read properly.

arcticlemming · 05/02/2009 08:50

Another vote for magic 123 for my wilful 3 year old, but god it's hard work, isn't it?

purplemonkeydishwasher · 05/02/2009 08:50

OMG. DS is 3 and is like this. you mean he's going to get WORSE????

i dont hitnk i'll be able to cope.

Original poster
TinySocks · 05/02/2009 08:51

thank you for your lovely post LightShinesInTheDarkness (x-posted with me).
Yes I do get wonderful cuddles, he is a sweetie. Love him to bits.
Will try to be firm firm firm.
It's just that after days and days of being firm and following through and "negotiating" I am tired!
I'll keep strong! All your posts have really helped, thank you. xx

OP posts:
yawningmonster · 05/02/2009 09:01

Hi again, re the long term consequences ds struggles with this too. Everything has to be instantaneous which is fine at home but really difficult out and about. I do use the carseat for time out if I have to as he cannot manage the buckle and will allow him to calm down safely. I then give ds the chance to do as I have asked or go home. TBH 1,2,3 doesn't work with my ds but time outs and tv loss does after several repetitions. It is tiring following through and often with ds any one behaviour gets worse before it gets better as though he has to push past the limits to see just how far he can go and if the rules will still stick...I have to have a stronger will than he does and that is no easy undertaking. Good luck Tinysocks.

KathrynAustin · 05/02/2009 09:04

DS is 4 in March and exactly the same. Constant pushing of boundaries and disagreeing with every thing I ask him to do. It seems that some days I have to chose my arguements as otherwise I would be telling him off all day.

I do shout sometimes, give him time out and give him until the count of three to calm down and listen to reason, and it works sometimes.

I see my friends with girls of the same age and the difference is huge - I used to wonder what I was doing so wrong, but now I've decided this is just the way some boys deal with growing up and we need to deal with it!

kalo12 · 05/02/2009 09:14

star charts / reward schemes.?

listing a daily routine / structure or dos and don'ts?

(i'm no expert on 4 year olds btw so this could be completely wrong, but am special needs teacher for ADD teenagers and they often act like obstreporous four year olds)

hoarsewhisperer · 05/02/2009 09:54

another vote for the 1,2, 3 magic book - has really helped us in the last 3 weeks since we started doing it.

RunningGirl · 05/02/2009 10:35

I have a DD who is 4 and has always been hard work, behaviourally. Until recently she also didn't really understand long term consequences.
Not sure if all of this would work for you but some of the things that work for us are:
zero tolerance - any unacceptable behaviour and she sits on the naughty / thinking step for 4 mins, sometimes over and over again if necessary. Also leaving peoples houses and the playground when she behaves badly (she knows what types of behaviour mean this happens) - this one is a bummer for you as the parent but it works!
sticker charts leading up to a prize - we pick the 3 or 4 big issues of the time and have a sticker for each one at the end of the day - during the day constant reminders of 'well if you don't do that / carry on doing that, you won't get your sticker for x'
I've also started ignoring tantrums and shouting / exessive whining or just tell her calmly to talk to me and tell me what she wants - she then only gets what she's asked for when she asks nicely.
Lastly - if I do need to do something like use the computer or see to the baby or sort food out etc then I tell her beforehand what I'm going to do and how long I'll be and tell her waht I will do with her after I've finished as long as she plays on her own in the meantime.
And the repeating yourself 20 times is common - all my friends have the same even with normally well behaved children. ONe friend of DDs went a bit deaf from an infection and her parents didnt'realise for ages because was no different to her routinely ignoring them anyway! We have an ongoing sticker chart type thing for this and I also now have her on limited chances - if she doesn't answer what she wants to drink or which fruit etc for snack then I choose, if she doesn't get ready then we don't go to park, if she doesn't get in bath then no story etc etc. Tiresome!
good luck!

alardi · 05/02/2009 10:44

Fiddling with appliances: best thing for this is to physically intervene as soon as he doesn't leave it. He will come to know that you are just ALWAYS suddenly there, if he doesn't desist.

Try to do bonding fun things with him (snowball fights, whatever play he likes), this will cause him to want to listen to you more.

There are some quite revealing terrible reviews of 123 Magic on Amazon; people love it or hate it, I guess.

hoarsewhisperer · 05/02/2009 11:38

hmmm - interesting reviews alardi. I think it depends on how far you take it to be hoinest, and whether you have the view that children should be treated as mini adults or not, which i don't. I think children need to know where the boundaries are, and the system helped our son to know where our boundaries are...

anyway, as you say - each to his own.

i had to laugh at the preson who said it was disrespectful to children....surely children have to earn respect. maybe i'm jsut old fashioned..who knows.

anyway - i wish tiny socks all the best, whichever method she chooses as best for her family

WinkyWinkola · 05/02/2009 11:46

Many adults need to know where the boundaries are too!

arcticlemming · 05/02/2009 17:06

Agree that depends to what degree you take it, and how you define bad behaviour. I find it useful when DD totally ignores me and carries on doing whatever I've asked her not to (usually pushing her sister around)- saying 1 - 2 -3 seems to focus her mind more than me constantly saying no and trying to get her attention. In my opinion it doesn't mean you can't also do negotiation / distraction etc. when this is more appropriate.