I am so fed up with DS, he is the world's most disobedient child. Please heeeelp

[TinySocks]

Please heeeeelp.
DS just turned 4. He has his good days and his bad days behaviour-wise. But for the last few months I have found him increasingly difficult to handle.
He is so disobedient, it is driving me crazy.
I have to repeat myself 10 times before he decides to comply.
If I ask him not to touch an appliance, he just continues, does it over and over again.
It is not lack of understanding or hearing. He is simply SO disobedient. I feel like I am negotiating with the united nations on a daily basis.
I don?t want to get angry with him, I don?t like shouting.
He doesn?t understand long term consequences (he has some special needs), so saying things like ?If you behave well today you can watch TV this evening? doesn?t work.

Can someone please give me ideas? Can this just be a phase? Are all 4 year olds like this or is this behaviour because of his developmental delay?

Thank you.

Thank you everyone for your responses.
DS has been an angel today, I have no idea why, I am exactly the same parent, behaving the same way as usual. He decided that today he would behave wonderfully. Lets see what happens tomorrow.

yawingmonster: I like your carseat idea. DS?s misbehavior occurs mostly when we are at home. When we are at friend?s houses he can be a handful as well, opening closing doors, touching everything, it is difficult to converse calmly. Funnily enough, DS is behaving really well when we are out now, he used to have no fear of danger (because of his GDD) and it was impossible for me to go out with him and DS2 on my own to an open park. Going out of walks used to be a nightmare, running off! But now he is fantastic and will stay close to me and obey me.
I think I need to find a instantaneous consequence that can really have an effect on him. That is the difficult bit.

KathrynAustin: Thank you! Really good to know I?m not alone. Most of my friends have girls and they always seem so well behaved!

RunningGirl: Wow thank you for that long list of ideas. Sticker charts, I tried them for potty training and they didn?t work. Maybe I should give them a go again for behaviour. Zero tolerance, goodness, I find that really hard. I think for me zero tolerance would be applicable if he is aggressive towards someone (he is not aggressive at all, he can get frustrated but he never hits anyone).
Ignoring tantrums: Oh, I am the queen for ignoring tantrums, no problem there. It is not tantrums that are the problem with DS because he knows he will get nowhere.

alardi: yes I physically intervene and take him off, but he does it over and over again. I do plenty of bonding fun things, I have to, because of his special needs I do plenty of stimulatory activities with him I have no choice really. And actually I am starting to think that I need to do less with him because he is so used to doing stuff with me that he is constantly looking for me. That was an interesting review of 123 thanks.

hoarsewhisperer and arcticlemming: Yes I think it is about finding the right approach depending on the circumstance. However, based on what yawningmonster said I think maybe the 123 approach won?t work for DS because of his special needs.

Thank you everyone for helping!

tinysocks
how much of a delay does he have my ds islmost 4 but i have to remember in many ways hes stil only 2,

he has gd and non verbal

My DS1 was like this from age 2 till 5! Then I got S.T.R.I.C.T.

I wrote out a list of very simple rules and went over them with him, then pinned them up in his room. When he breaks one of these rules, he has 15 minutes' (ages I know) timeout in the bathroom. the first few days were quite bad - he lived in the bathroom on day one! - but now he is adorable.

I never shout anymore. I don't need to. The house is SO much calmer and friendlier, and DS1 seems a million times' more happy and settled.

I know your DS has a developmental delay, but might this work for him too? You can make the rules very, very simple. ours are:

1. You do what we say, straight away.
2. No running off.
3. We are polite.
4. No jumping on furniture.
5. You are good at school.
6. You do your jobs (he makes his bed and lays table for supper).

I'd tried everything and nothing else had ever worked. Oh, and don't repeat yourself: say it ONCE and if they don't reply/respond, either give them a timeout, or later on when they ask you for something (like a biscuit, or the trip to the park you'd promised them) say no and don't say why - they will work it out for themselves. The book "Get a New Kid by Friday" was brilliant for me.

Just remember that YOU ARE IN CHARGE and your children DO WHAT YOU SAY. Think of one punishment (like a timeout) and use it every time he breaks a rule.

I really think that only being strict works. Good luck!

Hi beautiful. Thank you for the tips.
Yes, I think the key is in finding the correct consequence. In your case timeout in the bathroom worked. (that would be heaven for DS, he loves playing with water).

I really cannot think of the right consequence. I think the only one that would probably work is not allow him to watch "something special", but I think he really learns from that program so I'd rather not deprive him from it.

I am starting to think that the problem is boredom. He is a little hyperactive, and if he is not active he just needs something to get his hands busy. I just cannot entertain him all the time! He can play on his own much more now, but he has limited play skills so I think that is why he reverts to playing with "real things".

My ds has aspergers and frequently cant be bothered to do as he is asked.
A wise person suggested to me, instead of saying ten times "Please put your shoes on", do this instead:

Ask once nicely
Ask again more firmly
If still no response carry out the task yourself

Obviously not appropriate in all cases but it does often work for us

HTH

As long as the consequence is boring, I think it doesn't matter what it is. So not the bathroom, but maybe a 4-minute sit-down in a corner of the dining room? I love the bathroom as there are bathrooms everywhere.

As long as you do it EVERY TIME, it'll work. I really like it too, as it stops me inventing arbitrary punishments for every annoying, daft or silly thing he does. it also stops the empty threats.

Think of somewhere VERY dull, and make that his timeout spot.

Hi TinySocks

You seemed a bit taken aback by the zero tolerance suggestion. My DS is 4 and generally he is well behaved...however now and again we have a total meltdown. If we are at home, he does the naughty step. If we are out and about and he is naughty, we do (if at a cetain level) have zero tolerance.

Not sure that makes much sense...eg. Recently we were out and the aim was to go to a cafe for a drink (DS loves this), but on the way he saw some crappy car he wanted to buy. We said no. He went nuts. We tried distraction, we tried "naughty corner". Nothing worked. We went home and didn't have a trip to the cafe. It is a punishment for him - but with him in that state, we wouln't have been allowed in the cafe!!