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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3yrs daughter having terrible tantrums and attitude!

42 replies

madame · 03/02/2009 18:16

My daughter was 3 last September and she has really started to have lots of tantrums in the last two to three months. She really creates when she doesn't get her own way on anything. I give her so much praise when she is a good girl, reward charts, goals etc.

She has just developed a really annoyed attitude, become bossy and I hate to say it but very waring and not fun to be around. I am really beginning to get down about it as it's been happening for some time.

Help.....

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mersmam · 03/02/2009 18:44

Mine is exactly the same only she was 3 in October! Hopefully they'll just grow out of it...??
Will be watching this thread!!

RubyRioja · 03/02/2009 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

madame · 03/02/2009 19:49

nice to know I am not alone. I just don't quite know where the attitude comes from. I understand the whole wanting to be independent but the intolerance she has is so hard.

Dad just come home and asked for a kiss and she
even has attitude with that. I want to handle this behavouir the best way but I just don't know what way that is. When she has a tantrum I do tell her I am going to ignore her till she calms down which she does....but it's more the rudeness and flying off the handle at anything that is not what she wants.

Any mums out there that have been through this and come out the other end have advice....

Tonight I collected her from nursery and she went to one of the staff and said she didn't want to go home and wanted to stay and play....not a great morale booster for a mum....love my child more than anything but finding it hard to bond with this version at the moment

OP posts:

Original poster

madame · 03/02/2009 20:21

Just found a thread titled

"calling all mums of demanding kids"

I have found it very useful to read, perhaps you will.

OP posts:

RubyRioja · 03/02/2009 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sails · 03/02/2009 20:51

Am watching this thread as my ds1 was 3 last September and he has suddenly become a nightmare. If things are not going the way he wants he screams naughty mummy stop it you and hits me over and over. He pushes ds2 aged 14 months and hits him at every oppotunity. If ds2 is "talking" he screams over him the screams lasting ages. I could go on. Have no nanswers sorry so I'll stop this thread hijack. Am ashamed to say I have resorted to smacking but it just seems to make it worse soo I wouldn't advise it. Hope your dd (and my ds) grows out of it soon!

mrsmike · 03/02/2009 21:03

Oh gosh me too - thought we had escaped terrible 2s but now have terrible 3s instead ... hope its just a passing phase

debzmb62 · 03/02/2009 21:21

omg i could of written this myself my little girl has just turn 4 last month and she's the same !!
and the good thing is i can say yes they do grow out of it !! when they are about 18 lol my eldest daughter is now 25 nearly 26 and i can honestly say she.s a angel !! spoilt yes but on the all great to be with !!seriously once they start school they normally do change and for me i have 3 boys to eldest is 28 and yougest 8 and they to went throught this but turned out fantasic to

Original poster

madame · 05/02/2009 11:03

There are 2 books here that have been recommended that I thought maybe some of you would like to read. Anything is worth a try....

Raising Your Spirited Child
Parenting Your Defiant Child

both are on amazon

OP posts:

hairygodmother · 05/02/2009 11:39

Am in exactly same boat, my dd turned 3 last week, oh how I hoped the terrible twos were going to end. Ha. Debz - somewhat depressed to read your post, surely it will have stopped by 4??! The thing that always gets me is the hysteria and rage over the tiniest of things. I do tend to put her somewhere on floor where she can't hurt herself and let her get on with it but she just can't seem to stop herself. Have taken to picking her up and cuddling her after 5mins or so, not saying anything, and she calms down pretty quickly. Is this the wrong thing to do, do you think?
Am absolutely going to check out those books, madame, spirited and defiant pretty much cover it!

MKG · 05/02/2009 12:29

3 sucks!!! Can you tell I have a 3 yo?

christiana · 05/02/2009 12:47

Message withdrawn

HSMM · 05/02/2009 13:08

I went through terrible 2s, then throttle them 3s, 4 was rather pleasant and we've been going downhill ever since!

hairygodmother · 05/02/2009 14:15

Christiana, I totally agree with you, there is something very teenage about it all. In fact, I was a bit like that as a teenager myself I think, and when she first started the tantrums I remember thinking that I had been like that as a teenager (God help my mother, perhaps I should ask her what she did!?). Have you noticed btw that we're nearly all talking about daughters. Is that significant do you think? Apart from Sails' little boy. Hmmm.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 05/02/2009 14:33

My daughter will be 3 in April - she is a lovely sweet friendly little girl and an absolute nightmare as well. Like you Madame, Ruby, Christiana etc etc I have got to the end of my tether many times with her. We are having constant battles over potty training at the moment and a chart full of sad faces. I have a 4 yo boy and he was easier as soon as I could bribe him - he reacts well to rewards and if necesary time out in his room calms him down if in a rage.

DD is almost completely immune to incentives - stubborn to the point of insanity and can rage for what feels like hours. I tend to leave her to it if she is in a tantrum but she has a worrying habit of banging her head on her bed head and sides (metal bed frame). I am really hoping that I will be able to reason with her soon, at the moment she is unable to fully communicate to me whatever the issue is when she is angry without apparent reason (taht definately helped ds).

Until that day I am counting the grey hairs and trying not to lose my rag. But she has a nasty habit of straying into the road when walking with me and she often runs of in the shops etc. trying to find effective tools are hard but consistency and firmness plus simple choices 'hold my hand or the buggy' etc. are slowly paying off - but sometimes she is beyond all reason.

ruddynorah · 05/02/2009 14:39

what happens if you say nothing? i mean, just wait. sit there.

i dunno, that's what i do, then dd comes to me and does whatever it was. i do alfie kohn style stuff. then when i'm totally drained i just sit and wait. then dd comes to me.

Amanda104 · 05/02/2009 14:39

I know this sounds lame - but stand your ground, dont give in, firm but fair. I always used the naughty step/corner/stool (even bus shelter!!) whatever was handy.

My daughter is now 10 and still throws a tantrum or two (or is this pre teen stuff now) anyway she went through the same thing and is now a lovely girl (most of the time).

Stand firm - you can do it!!!!

cba · 05/02/2009 14:41

oh my, i have just got back from shopping with dd who is 3.6, never again. Because we couldnt find the right sparkly shoes in the first shop all hell broke loose.

I swear her brothers were never like this. It took five shops to find the correct pair. I am a nervous wreck, and dd is so tired from the shopping and crying that she has decided to lay down and go to sleep as it was too much for her!!

I could scream. I have told her I am not taking her shopping anymore until she learns to be patient.

cba · 05/02/2009 14:44

does seem to be a girl thing. I think my dd is a teenager already. I am dreading the teenage years.

Have just found out I am pregnant with number four, I am praying for a boy!! only joking, not bothered really

bigmouthstrikesagain · 05/02/2009 15:02

Depends on the circs Ruddy - I cannot sit and wait for dd to get back onto the pavement from the road, or for her to come back if she has run away when I am trying to get ds to school - I have to get her. If I want her to sit at the table to eat dinner ignoring her means she goes away, firm repitition means she will sit for a little while. She does cave if I remain calm and consistent - but I am not a saint and I have lost my temper recently.

I can certainly be patient but I also have a 4yo and a 3mo to care for so she doesn't always get patient treatment.

CJCregg · 05/02/2009 22:11

Oh God, I am so glad I've found this thread. I am practically in tears every night as putting DD (3 last August) to bed is such a nightmare.

She'll pick on anything she can to fight over and dig her heels in. Eg 'I want to get into bed on my own'. Ok, I say, go on then. She just stands there, doing nothing, so eventually I say I'll pick her up and put her in. She screams 'no, I want to do it' and whatever I do - leaver her or do it myself - we get nowhere. If I walk away, she follows me, screaming and crying, sometimes pulling me back into her room. If I leave her in there and tell her to stay, she screams the place down. I hate shutting her in as I think that's frightening but she won't stay anywhere - bedroom, naughty step, whatever - she just gets up and follows me around, screaming.

All this while DS is waiting to be tucked in, very patiently, and really sweetly trying to help.

I know this is classic attention seeking but I just don't know how to deal with it. Eventually she calms down (either through distraction or if she can find an excuse to give in and come for a cuddle, eg 'I've bumped my finger') but when I try to talk to her about it she just laughs.

Tonight she lay in bed saying 'I hate you, Mummy, I just hate you.' It really is like having a teenager. And I totally sympathise with the poster who said they're terrified of DD kicking off, what's going to trigger it.

I am shaking every night after putting her to bed. Usually she's a gorgeous, bright, funny girl and I love her to bits but when she turns into Chucky I just don't know how to handle it.

Please help! Any advice?

CJCregg · 06/02/2009 14:15

Anybody? Help?!

Iklboo · 06/02/2009 14:21

IMHO 'three-nagers' are far worse than the terrible twos! We had very littleproblem with DS until he turned 3 - now 'no' is his favourite word, he doesn't like certain clothes any more because they are 'rubbish', is trying to be bossy..

We do things the easy way or the hard way. And he gets the choice. Easy way is us dealing with him calmly, negotiating, praising & rewarding him when good etc. Hard way is unceremoniously picked up and put on naughty step, treats taken away, ignoring him, turning off the tv show he's allowed to watch
We have some very very good days where he's a star, some not so good days when frankly he's a brat

(mind you - haven't we all had days where we've wanted to come home,kick a wall, throw ourselves on the floor and scream and kick for a bit? No? Just me then? )

christiana · 06/02/2009 16:11

Message withdrawn

CJCregg · 07/02/2009 02:36

Ickyboo and Christiana - thanks so much for replying. I was so relieved to have found this thread, and then everyone seemed to disappear off it (confirming my suspicions that I am a threadkiller)

It's so comforting to hear that other DDs (it is mainly girls, from the sound of it) of similar age are behaving the same way. DS, now nearly 6, was completely different. Sulky, demanding, etc but nothing like so calculated! Will try the fairy idea, and perhaps dig the old stairgate out of the attic.

Christiana - bribery doesn't work for me, either. She just calls my bluff or, like yours, says 'don't want it anyway'. Your swimming experience sounds HIDEOUS.

Some small consolation. Last night, in throes of bedtime tantrum, DD tried to smash a toy on the table. I took it away from her, causing more yelling, and when she asked me for it this morning I told her she couldn't have it today because she had almost broken it and if she could be good, I'd let her have it later. (Like Blue Kangaroo!) My mum came in ten minutes later and DD asked her to give her the toy. BUT when she was given it she said 'actually Mummy said I couldn't have it because I tried to break it so I'd better give it back!' So maybe there's hope.

Glad to find another West Wing fan. Am on second time around, loving it even more this time.

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